Happiest Girl in the World....

I woke up this morning at 4am needing to use the washroom but I wanted to wait to test until DH went to work. 7am came and I headed into the bathroom, dug out a stick, did what needed to be done, and set the test down. Immediately I thought to myself “This is stupid... I’m only 9dpo, even if I am pregnant I’m not going to get a positive” and I crawled back in bed. An hour and a half later I went to throw the test away... But there was a line. An extremely faint, twist it that way... Is it pink? Is it real? line.... But a line. I’ve seen my fair share of evaps but this was different. It was so faint that it was very possibly an evap... But I thought I saw the slightest hint of pink. The question was if the line showed up in the 10 min window and that I didn’t know. I snapped a few pictures, stared and brought the test from room to room, and finally gave up.

Around noon a nurse from my doctor’s office called with my 7dpo progesterone result... “looks good she said” but I just wanted the number. 14.6... Nice... But indicative of anything? Not really.

Caden and I had lunch then decided to bike over to the park about 2 miles away while there was a break in the weather. We had our fun and headed home. I put Caden to bed and decided to take a quick shower.

I undressed and debated back and forth... Do I test again? It had been 2 hours since I last use the restroom. Surely it wouldn’t be positive but at least I could see if an evap appeared. Again I dug out my sticks, did my thing, and jumped in the shower, quickly to be sure to read this one in the 10 min window again.

I couldn’t believe what I saw... Plain as day, 2 pink lines. The test like was very light, obviously, but pink and perfectly visible. No twisting or turning or checking under different lights... It was positive. I called my friend (who had spent the morning debating the possible evap with me) and shouted it. I am pregnant.

I am pregnant - ah, just had to type those 3 perfect words one more time.... Well, maybe a few more. Part of me knew this was it - I bought a shirt to tell DH with (not telling him today has been so very hard, but surprising him with the news this time is something important to me - I‘m telling him tomorrow over lunch). I just knew... But as the 2nd half of this wait kicked it... I just didn’t want to set myself up for devastation.

An hour later I tested again - this time with a FRER.... And again, two beautiful pink lines. Faint, but not bad for mid afternoon at 9dpo. We really did it this time... I really AM pregnant.

I spent the next few hours in shock.. My hands we shaking. I’m trying to be cautious as it is so very early... But it is so very hard. I pray this baby sticks.... And as of tonight all I know is that I am pregnant and so extremely happy.

EDD: January 2, 2010

1 week to go

I’m not sure why I’ve been avoiding my blog... but I have been. I’m happy to say that I did end up ovulating this cycle after all... I assumed I’d ovulate the same day as last cycle (CD 25) or sooner but instead managed to ovulate a little bit later - CD 27. So, unless I’m pregnant, we’ll be increasing my dose to 100mg next cycle.


As for that pesky issue hanging in the air around us... Did we manage to pull this off? Is this our cycle? I have no clue. A week ago I thought for sure this was it... It had to be. But now that feeling has faded and I really have no idea. I do know that at this point... To actually see those 2 pink lines... Seems so far fetched it just doesn’t seem possible. I’d love to have been able to hang onto the optimism of last week but I feel that would have just set me up to be devastated in a few days. But I do still hold out hope and I find myself drifting to thought of “what if” quite often. And if I am, as I said before, I will truly be the happiest girl in the world.


My progesterone draw was taken care of yesterday - that was a clerical mess but its done and over with and I should know the results some time tomorrow. I’m a little nervous about the results - normally my breasts hurt a decent amount when I ovulate and this time not so much and they hurt on and off so I’m worried the number might be low... But there isn’t much I can do about that now.


Of course I’ve been looking for symptoms everywhere and for the most part there haven’t been any - until today, 8dpo. I was up early this morning with some nasty heartburn - my first symptom with Caden. I hope this is good but there is the very real possibility and probability that it was just heartburn. I’m going to try to hold out until 12dpo to test (April 23rd). I pray that then I’ll finally see those 2 pink lines again.


.........

In other family happenings we bought a new bike trailer for Caden and new bikes for us. Caden loves riding in the trailer and loves his new McQueen helmet even more. We rode for a few hours yesterday and with the exception of a rather sore backside, it was perfect. The bikes are nice, the trailer handles great, and I hope to use it a lot more. We have a few days of rain ahead of us but I can’t wait to get out again with my boys - hopefully my ass will have recovered fully by that point.

Broken

Hope for this cycle is slowly fading out. There isn’t much more to say other than that. DH assures me it will happen for us again one day. “It has to”. But I’m starting to not believe. I was going over Easter prep in my head the other night and for the life of me couldn’t figure out why we kept coming up 1 chair short... Finally it dawned on me that I had been counting us as a family of four... Something we very well may never be. It all hurts so very much.

I try to keep my mind off of everything but its so hard. I don’t think I’ve ever been less interested in a cycle than this one. More and more it seems like my original feelings that last cycle was a fluke are coming true. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and in 6 months I’ll ovulate again and maybe then have a shot at actually getting pregnant.

The hardest part is I don’t understand how I got here. How I went from ovulating normally every single freaking month..... To ovulating once in 6 months. And it happened over night. How? How is this possible? I can’t find anything like this... Something isn’t right. I never thought I’d ever find myself sitting at my kitchen table on a Monday morning... Regretting that I took my freaking period for granted.
I keep waiting to climb out of this little hole I dug myself into.. Instead I feel myself inching closer and closer to the bottom. I have to hit soon, right?

I try to distract myself but as soon as I stop moving my mind wanders back here. Saturday we took Caden to the Easter Egg hunt and to the mall to see the Easter Bunny - we’re hosting Easter at our house so I have a lot to do this week. Hopefully that will help but looks doubtful.

Recovery

Tuesday afternoon my stomach started to feel upset - enough that I couldn’t eat dinner. My inlaws were came over that evening and the visit was well - I made mention several times that I hoped I wasn’t coming down with the flu. Considering how touchy my stomach can be, I didn’t really think I was. Hell, outside of alcohol induced incidents (college wasn’t that long ago! ;)) Its probably been 10-15 years since I thrown up due to a stomach bug. Hell - I didn’t even throw up when I was pregnant... I spent the first trimester extremely nauseous, but I didn’t get
physically sick.

As it turns out, I did indeed have a rather nasty stomach bug and spent all Tuesday night throwing up or groaning as I tossed and turned with a terrible case of the chills and a nice fever of 102. Steve ended up staying home from work yesterday - Neither of us got any sleep and considering I spent most of yesterday dry heaving followed by throwing up my one attempted meal, I was down for the day and I really wanted to try to prevent Caden from catching this.

Caden threw up last night but apparently he is weathering this much better than his Momma. Steve cleaned him up and changed his sheets while I rubbed his back and took care of him. He laughed and wanted to play. Today he has been running around the house, a little ball of energy, in a fantastic mood. Not that I’m complaining! I’m glad that in the very least he doesn’t seem to have it as bad.

Today I feel much better - I haven’t tried eating yet so hopefully once I do that will go over well. I miss food but really don’t want to feel like I’m going to, or actually commit the act of throwing up yet again. My abs already hurt enough. As for Caden - wow - I don’t think he has ever had this much energy.

The good news is we have seemed to survive our first bout of the “stomach flu” and did so relatively intact - although I’m not sure Steve is in the clear yet. And I must say - I have a pretty awesome husband, even if he did get a bit pissy about having to call in at first. He ran to the store for me multiple times, even gave me a foot rub, took care of Caden last night until he had to start laundry. I’m pretty lucky to have such a great husband.

.......

On the TTC front I’m on CD 18 and no signs of any eggies. Considering my recent illness has left me 5lbs lighter in less than 2 days I think its safe to assume it might have delayed anything going on anyway. As long as we get an egg... Please. I’m so ready to have our next baby. I’ve been doing what I can to keep my mind off things... But its hard.

Better Late Than Never

Thanks to a wonderful cold/flu/whatever, I’ve been down for the past week or so wallowing in a coughing, aching, snotty pit of despair. I’m starting to feel better finally but haven’t been online much as a result. Seeing as this happened for the start of ICLW, I have a lot of catching up to do!

To sum things up as the last post I made was actually a bit ago (silly blog layout doesn’t post dates!) AF did show that Monday at 16dpo. As much as I was (and am) sad not to be pregnant, I have tried to see the positive in this. This time last month I had given up on my first clomid cycle... And it ended up coming through. I ovulated late (CD 25) but I did ovulate on 50mg.

Of course now I worry that it was a fluke, that it won’t happen again. And then I worry that we didn’t conceive because something else is wrong, too. I wonder why I couldn’t be one of the lucky ones, well, as “lucky” as anyone in this situation can be. But I remind myself even healthy couples doing everything right don’t get pregnant the first time out (or in my case ovulating).

I’m currently on CD 11. Still on 1500mg of Met and 50mg clomid days 3-7. I started OPKs yesterday and my first was negative so that is good news. Now we’re just left to sit and wait and see what happens.

Prior to getting sick and missing the start of ICLW I had planned to do some sort of an intro as I’ve seen on so many blogs... But seeing as I’m already late and feeling a bit negative I don’t see much of a point so I’ll keep this short... I’m 26, I was fertile, I was one of the lucky ones to conceive the first time we had unprotected sex (on our honeymoon!), I had a complicated pregnancy due to pre-eclampsia, spent 4 months on bed rest and as far as I was concerned, paid my reproductive dues - welcomed my beautiful boy into the world by emergency c-section on January 24, 2007 - amazingly at 39 weeks... enjoyed life, got sick, had an appendectomy in feb 2008, stopped ovulating, Started TTC (if you can call it that) in August 2008, diagnosed with PCOS in November 2008, started Met in December, and am currently on round two of clomid.
.......
I’ve been feeling a little down this week which has probably led to my internet avoidance. The fact that I’m also trying to spend less time online probably factors in as well. I’ve been getting so exhausted and worn out in the afternoons again and I think that is the most likely cause of my crappy mood this week.

When I first started this blog I thought I’d have so much to say - and I do. I’m sure I could find something to write or post about daily. And I’m sure if I really wanted to I could work the time in, too. But I’ve learned certain things can only be said so many times. And while these thoughts are always with me, sometimes it helps just to leave them in the back recesses of my mind. Sometimes it helps to give into the distractions.

So that is my plan for the next little while - distractions. I have lots of cleaning to catch up on, Easter and Spring are coming, crafts I’ve wanted to get done... I have high hopes for this cycle even if I don’t feel them today. My breasts started hurting and I’m hoping that is the result of a little egg soon to release. I want to believe in this, I want this to work. I need this to work. But for now I need to be sane, I need to think of other things, and to do that I’ll find comfort in the distractions. So I’m off to comment away, work out, and get cleaning!


If you've read this far I apologize for this mess of random ramblings :D But I suppose that is what this portion of a cycle is like. Waiting, unknown, who the hell knows what will happen. But I do know that good things are yet to come.

Luckiest

When I woke up Friday morning I didn’t even want to test. I knew what the outcome would be and I didn’t have the urge. I wasn’t upset, I just didn’t care. But I tested anyway knowing that at 13dpo I should be able to trust the result without much question. I thought I caught the slightest hint of the line if you turned the test just right, but there wasn’t any line there. The test was negative - Not pregnant. I did at least discover the best thing about testing in a hotel... By the time the urge hits you to go HPT dumpster diving, housekeeping has already taken out the trash.

So now all that is left for this cycle is to wait for AF to show. I packed the necessary supplies just in case AF showed early - Tampons, Midol, even clomid.... But I didn’t expect her to be late. I’ve never charted an ovulatory cycle so I’m not quite sure what my LP is. In the past based off when I thought I might be ovulating my LP was 14 days but it is entirely possible I was off a day or two. I am 15dpo today so I expect the witch to show either later today or tomorrow. In the off chance that she isn’t here by Monday morning, I’ll test again. But I’m expecting that won’t be necessary.

.......

Our trip was nothing short of wonderful but entirely too short. While it was nice to sleep in my comfortable bet with soft, plush linens last night, I’m a bit sad to be back to normal life today. Tomorrow my husband will return to work, leaving before Caden or I (most likely) even step out of bed and not returning until dinner that night. We won’t hear his voice in the morning or see his face at the breakfast table with us for five days - and we surely won’t spend the day splashing around the pool with him or the early afternoon climbing through tree forts and racing down slides.

We were originally only staying two nights - Checking in on Wednesday and checking out on Friday. On the drive up we decided pretty quickly that two nights wasn’t going to be nearly enough and that another night was necessary. Lucky for us the hotel had the availability and even upgraded our suite. While I would love to lounge all day with my two boys with few cares in the world - Check out Saturday morning was perfect. Our entire stay the hotel wasn’t crowded at all... There were no lines for slides or crowds in the pools, lounge chairs were plentiful as was parking. Friday night you could notice an increase in activity and space was limited in both the water and the parking lot - and by Saturday the hotel was packed with weekend and spring break guests. Perfect time to make our exit.

The hotel was nice and clean and very cute. Our room was large with a separate sitting area and fireplace that came in handy during nap time. The linens could use an upgrade and the beds could have been more comfortable, but it wasn’t enough to dampen or moods or shadow our stay. There were 3 large indoor water park areas and each one had something geared for toddlers. Caden is such a little fish and loves the water - Every morning when we got our swimsuits on he would get so excited and literally skip down the hall “I love water!”. His favorite was the kiddie slides meant for guest 48” and under - he’d race down the slide into Mommy’s arms and then quickly run out of the pool to Daddy and go down again. He loved the splash parks and squirting water, and even went down some pretty big slides, too. He was happy to splash in the kiddie pools and loved to fight the waves and ride in the inner tubes of the wave pools.




After nap time and before dinner when dry fun was required, he loved to play in the four story tree fort - A network of tubes and slides, nets and foam balls flying around. In the evenings there was a song and dance show at the clock tower and a bed time story and by the time we got back to our room Caden was out like a light and ready to do it all again in the morning.

Our little mini-vacation couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m not dwelling on the negative pregnancy tests and I don’t feel defeated. Instead we’ll just try again and I feel incredibly lucky for the beautiful boy that I have. Every single day of my life I feel lucky and am grateful for that boy -nothing, especially infertility, will ever change that. But this trip has reminded me of the silver lining (if there was one) to our delay in adding to our family and that is I get more time with just my little boy. Of course I feel sad with each month that passes and another month separates Caden from his future sibling, and of course I know that once we have our second child the love will multiply and not divide. And of course I know that while our attention will be split it will be worth it.... But for the time being it is nice to be able to lavish all of our attention on Caden. To spend this time with just him - learning all about just him. And spending time with this wonderful little person who makes us laugh in ways we didn’t know possible.

Had I known that after February 2008 I would have stopped ovulating and been unable to conceive without medical assistance of course we would have tried sooner. If I knew a door was going to slam shut of course we would have been sure to slip our foot in the door before it locked. But we didn’t know so we went along with our plans and while I am angry and frustrated and sad that we are facing infertility, I am also happy we have had this time with our son. I read and talk to women facing infertility who already have plans laid to try for the 2nd, 3rd, whatever while still trying for the first. Plans laid to start trying again as soon as conception is possible - 6 weeks, 2 months... And while I understand that, I am grateful that I did not have to walk those shoes, though I wish I didn't have to walk this path at all. I am grateful that I have been able to fully enjoy my son as he is, my life as it is... And while so much of the past 7 months have involved infertility, it is not the main focus of our life - Caden is. And that is something I remind myself of daily. It is so easy to get lost here.

Steve and I originally wanted three children, the third being more spaced out than the first two. The third was never set in stone of course - nothing in life is. We still would love to have three one day and there are times I have thought that maybe we should start trying for that third as soon as we’re cleared after our second is born. But that thought is only fleeting - that thinking doesn’t work for me. I can’t wait for this part, the infertility part, to be over even if only temporarily. While I understand it will always be a part of my life now, I cannot wait to not think about it for a while. To enjoy my children and just be. To watch my baby grow and develop without the stress of tests and cycles and single pink lines. I can’t wait to learn the things about this next baby that I have with Caden - Will he love water? Will he laugh and giggle in delight at the sight of other small babies? Will he walk at 9 months too, or will he take his time? And I cannot wait to watch my little boy with our next child. I cannot wait to put this behind us even if only for a bit. To enjoy my family as I enjoy it now. To just be. And when the time comes if we decide to face these demons again, which I am sure we will, so be it. And if it doesn’t happen - At least I’ll be able to look back and know that I did not let this consume those months... Those hours.

I am the luckiest. And while I would have done things differently if I had known that infertility was in our future - I am glad I have been able to enjoy this time with just my son and my husband. I am grateful for our time as a family of three, and I am eager to enjoy our time as a family of four.
.......

We’ve already started planning our next trip back - If I was brave enough to face the crowds maybe we’d go back this summer. But after seeing the number of hotels and motels crammed into that little town.... I think summer is a time I’d avoid. We’re thinking of heading back this fall, winter at the latest. I loved the hotel we stayed at (Great Wolf) but with so many options available to us we’ll probably try another hotel and water park next time. The only downside is how expensive everything is in the Dells - I was a little shocked at how much we spent for such a short trip so close to home, but it was worth it.

And even in the cold we were able to spend time outside of the resort, too. While eating out so much did little for my stomach, it was still nice. We make it a point to have dinner at the table every night at home, but sometimes it is rushed - it was nice to slow down.
Outside of the water park we took Caden to an indoor amusement park and he even got to ride
his first ride. And since we had an hour to kill before checking in we even made a little fertility related field trip to rub some African fertility statutes - as Steve said we might as well exhaust all of our options.

But the best part of it all, for me at least, was simply spending the time with my husband and son. Uninterrupted, outside of the responsibilities of daily life, just the three of us. We really can’t wait to go back. I love spending time with my two favorite guys. I love my family of three.

Results

My doctor called with the results of my Progesterone labs yesterday and I did ovulate - result was 10.4. My doctor considered this to be strong enough that she’d prefer that I stay on 50mg next cycle instead of increasing to 100mg. Unless, of course, I’m pregnant.

I’ve obsessed over symptoms and crossed my fingers and hoped all hopes... But all we can do is wait and see. I did test today and it was negative but then it could still be too early (I’m only 10dpo, AF isn’t due until Saturday).

I’m having little to no symptoms... Of anything.. And before my breasts were at least a little tender at this point no matter what. But nothing. Sadly I do not think that this was our month.

I knew it was too much to expect to be one of the lucky ones... To actually think that I’d get pregnant my first ovulatory cycle in 6 months... My first cycle on clomid.. But I did. So seeing that all too familiar single pink line this morning just hurt.

I’m not sure when I’ll test again. At one point I used to test non stop - but now the urge isn’t as strong. You’d think that after seeing so many, you’d get numb to the negative tests... That the pain might be dulled at least a little. Instead seeing them seems to hurt even more.

We’re leaving tomorrow - heading out of town for a few days and it probably couldn’t come at a better time. But I don’t want to hang a cloud over our trip so I’m going to try to hold out until Friday (13dpo) to test again. While my optimism is fading, I still have hope. We’re still holding our breaths and praying that I’m wrong, that come November we’ll be holding our second child.

Progesterone Draw

Today was my progesterone draw as I am now 7dpo. My temps and chart have been beautiful, rising steadily for the first 6 days. Of course this morning it dropped by 0.31 degrees and now I’m paranoid as all hell. I need to learn how to de-stress - so much for staying calm. The low temp is still well above cover line, and my cover line is a little high compared to my pre-o temps as is, but I’m still worried. I’m just crossing my fingers that my temp goes back up tomorrow - Of course the day I need the temp to be accurate is also the first day of day light savings so things are going to be a little screwy no matter what. Anyway...

Steve and Caden came with me this morning since we had a few errands to run afterwards. Caden got a little fussy as soon as Mommy left with out him and the woman drawing my blood smiled and made mention of how the little ones are always so happy to be with Daddy until Mommy left.
The woman was very nice - she seemed rushed and hurried at check-in, but seemed to slow down with me later. The actual process, from sitting down to leaving, took all of 90 seconds - Just long enough for her to ask me quietly “How long have you been trying?”. There was something about the tone in her voice and the way she asked... like she understood.... Like she was or had been in this position, too.

When I walked out Steve looked at me and said “already?!” And immediately my mind started to wander. 90 seconds to draw blood from me was damn quick. Impressively quick... Never done before. People normally have a hell of a time - The first nurse who drew labs for a CBCD when I had appendicitis was in tears after she couldn’t get blood from me. I told her not to worry, it was common, but I guess I ruined her 25 year streak. The only other time anyone has been able to get blood from me easily like that was when I was pregnant. Usually there is at least some checking around for veins. I forgot to drink anything but coffee so I thought for sure it would have been more difficult. Of course, there are several completely normal explanations...

1. Between my pregnancy, surgery, and infertility... I know which vein is the vein of choice - Off to the side of my right arm. Very rarely fails. Not the best vein and nurses always check for a better one, but its usually the best I have to offer. Last blood draw I guess that one was a little deflated as the nurse decided to give it a break but this time it was nice and plump and filled that little vial in record time.

2. That little vial! Usually there are several vials and today it was just the one.

3. If nothing else, maybe it was just that this woman was that good.

But even so my mind turned to maybe, just maybe, I have a bit more blood volume because, well... you know. Its too early for that so its not the case... But that doesn’t stop the obsessing.

In fact, right now I have no symptoms of anything. And I feel like expecting or even hoping to get pregnant on my first ovulatory cycle in so long is asking too much. But I do hope, I hope so very much.

But for now I’m just focusing on Monday, when the labs are in. Who knows, I could find out then this was all just a nasty cruel joke - but I’m hopeful for good news.

3 days past.... ovulation?!

Last week I noticed some minor changes in my normally void cycles. CM increased, my face broke out.... My cycle failed so I assumed AF was on her way. I though to myself that at least AF showing on her own and in a timely fashion would be a step in the right direction. I didn’t give much thought to it, nothing more than maybe an outcome that would spare me the 10 days of Provera and the following wait.

Around 2:45pm on Friday it occurred to me that it was that time again... OPK time. The time of day we all just love, no? I had given up hope on the cycle but had the left over strips so wth. I did my thing and put some things away. I glanced at the test and to my surprise it was positive. Very positive. No question about it.

Several months ago I got what we assumed to be two positive OPKs. The lines were very close, I was 99% sure they were positive, but hesitant. I didn’t ovulate. Add into that the fact that I have PCOS and screwy LH, well, my relationship with OPKs is definitely lacking in the trust department.

There is no question about Friday’s test - it was positive. But I still didn’t (and possibly don’t) trust it. Once bitten twice shy and all that. Steve came home from work that evening.
“hey, check this out” I called
“Huh... That one is definitely positive”
“I know....”

And then we just stood there. Is it possible that our failed cycle could yet come though with a little egg? We both smiled at the thought but neither of us fully trusted it. I had a small amount of fertile CM, but not much. It just didn’t feel right. Or possible.

Saturday’s OPK was positive, too. Not as dark, but positive. I had clearly negative OPKs all cycle long... Why they were all of the sudden positive actually angered me a little bit. I had given up on this cycle, come to terms with the fact that 50mg failed to make me ovulate. I’d be starting Provera soon enough.... And now this? I mean if I actually ovulated great but all this felt like was false hope.

Sunday’s OPK was negative. Close, but negative. My temp did jump though.

Monday’s temp climbed a bit more, but I still didn’t trust it. I’ve had false CH in the past. I’ve had 2 days of temp rises followed by a crash.

And then Today... Well today it appears that my 6 month wait turned into a two week one. My temp climbed again and I am 3dpo. My dr is out of the office but will call me tomorrow and I assume at that point we’ll set up the progesterone draw to confirm. It better confirm - I’m going to shit if this turns out to be nothing more than a series of well timed coincidences.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up... I’m still expecting to wake up to plummeting temps or for that progesterone draw to come back negative. But for now I have hope. For now all signs - BBT, OPKs, Dried up CM, aching breasts.. All indicate that I did indeed ovulate. To have this hope taken away at this point would just hurt so much.

And then.... Do I even dare to dream I could be pregnant? That all the waiting and praying could pay off? I think that would be too much. Just releasing an egg at this point is a huge success. And it gives me so much hope for next cycle. Of course we BDed and did what we could... But I worry that the little CM I had wasn’t enough. I worry that something funky was at work. So for now I’m just happy I ovulated.

And if in two weeks I see two pink lines again..... Well then I really will be the happiest girl in the world.

Thinking out loud and making plans

I’ve been thinking a lot about what comes next. I’m actually eager to go ahead and start Provera, because at that point at least we’re working toward something instead of holding out hope that maybe... Just maybe... I could still ovulate. Plus once I start Provera I’ll be that little bit closer to going away with my boys, and all three of us are really excited about that.

I think one of the more difficult aspects in all of this is the aspect of the unknown. We have no idea what will work, if anything. Despite having a child, we’ve never faced any of this before so this is all new to us. People tell me “You got pregnant once, you’ll get pregnant again” but the truth is no one knows that. Yes, I got pregnant once but I also wasn’t dealing with PCOS and was releasing an egg every month.

And I think that the fact that my issues did basically appear over night makes it harder for me. I can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong, that I did something to cause this. And in my head I go over everything again and again looking for a way to fix whatever I did so wrong. Looking for a way to make it all go away. Looking for a way to regain some sort of control once more.

So what comes next? I’ll call my doctor either on Tuesday or Wednesday and get my new prescriptions called in. 10 days of provera, hopefully not another 9 day wait for AF but who knows, then we’ll start 100mg of clomid and hope that does the trick.

As for me I’m going to do everything I can, however little that may be. I’m going to work on being more calm (haha, I know) and I think getting away for those few days coming up will really help. I already eat pretty well, something I made sure of once Caden was born (though he doesn’t see eye to eye with me on this issue), but I want to make even more improvements there. I need to read the insulin resistant book I bought a while ago but never got to. I want to start tracking my food again, too. And related I want to cement my workout routine and make sure I do a minimum daily workout instead of 4 days a week. With the weather hopefully starting to warm up pretty soon and daylight savings in just 2 weeks I should be able to start getting out for more walks. I’d like to work at least one short daily walk with Caden and/or Ellie (our Beagle) into the mix.

For hope I have some tricks up my sleeve I’ll elaborate more on later, heh. I’ll have been on Met 3, going on 4 months when this next cycle starts which is a very good thing. I’ve also been searching the internet and message boards for success stories - Stories from women who failed to ovulate on 50mg of Clomid but were successful on 100mg (or even 150, for future reference). So if thats you, Please share!!!

And I’ve started to make plans to move on. If 100 fails, I assume we’ll try 150 but beyond that I’ll be referred to a RE. I know seeing a RE will be best, but once we move on from my Ob/gyn so ends any penny of insurance coverage - including for testing, diagnosis, and even basic appointments. So staying with my ob/gyn is best for my pocketbook right now and I really love my doctors. But, just incase, I’ve called around for prices with local doctors on initial consultations, poured over websites, and already found a doctor I think we’ll be comfortable with. We’ve started saving for an injects cycle, since thats most likely where we would be heading next, but hopefully it won’t come to that. In the mean time I want to bring up the possibility of trying Femara again with my current doctor.

So thats about it. Like so much of this time is spent for all of us.... We wait and plan and cross our fingers. For now I’ll continue doing my lovely OPKs and keeping an eye on things.. Ya know, just incase...

As for the rest of the time I’m not peeing on sticks or typing in temps, you know... That time called life.... I have lots to do with the little man, the bigger man, our trip, the animals, catching up on scrapbooks (which will never be done), planning out or summer (I need to sign Caden and I up for swim lessons), and I really need to start looking into and gathering ideas for the vegetable garden I’ve been planning to plant the past 2 years.

Saturday Morning

This morning we woke up to snow for the first time in a while. I’ve been excited about this and am thrilled to have a blanket of white outside once more. A reminder that winter is still here, that another season hasn’t passed without so much as an egg.

But, considering its CD18 and still no signs of ovulation... I need to accept that winter will have passed by the time we try again. By the time I start provera for 10 days, and who knows how long AF will take to show up after that... Most likely we’ll be looking at early April for ovulation. Which, as long as it happens, fine by me.

The truth is I never expected this - not even with the crazy cycles and knowing something was wrong. I never expected to make it though the end of summer, fall, winter, and now heading into spring without so much as a freaking egg. I never expected to feel so defeated.

After we had Caden I made mention on several occasions how I actually wanted to TTC next time - to actually really try. We did have unprotected sex and knew the possibility on our honeymoon, whatever happened, happened but we really weren’t expecting to get pregnant (I had just finished my period). So for our second we wanted that chance - I wanted to hope and anticipate and actually try. I always made sure to cover my bases, or so I thought, and add in the “well, I want to try but only for a month or two! I still want to get pregnant right away...” Oh how stupid I feel now.... how I regret those words.

The truth of the matter is that I have a lot of regrets. I know the “cool” thing to say is that you have none, I mean really regrets are just pointless. But I do - I have so many and they hurt so much.

I regret the first thing I said when I got my BFP was “oh shit”. I was excited and thrilled but terrified.... After the honeymoon, since the timing was all wrong and we thought for sure I wasn’t pregnant... We decided to wait a year before TTC.

I regret not taking more belly pics. I have a few, and for those I am grateful. But I developed Pre-eclampsia at 23 weeks with Caden and my face swelled terribly. I didn’t even look like myself anymore so I tended to avoid the camera.

I regret not fully enjoying my pregnancy, even though that was really out of my hands. I never really complained a lot, not even through the complications. Sure I broke down over the worry, over the helplessness. I couldn’t wait to get him on the outside where I felt I could protect him more. And I had terrible sciatica and insomnia (don’t wish either on my worst enemy). And I guess this is less of a regret and more of a wish.... I spent the last 4 months of my pregnancy on bed rest. When I had my cute, round belly I was sitting on a couch waiting... I wish I could have been that beaming pregnant woman out and about, hands on her belly, smiling.

I regret not savoring those newborn moments more. I’ve taken almost (if not over) 10,000 photos of Caden in his 2 years. I remember every detail... I just wish I would have taken more time to just sit back and take in every single feeling and emotion. I wish I wasn’t so eager for him to sleep through the night or to get a little bigger. I miss my baby.


I realize that the truth is most of these are unavoidable. I couldn’t control my pre-eclampsia and I wasn’t about to jeopardize the health of my son (and myself) to go prance around and glow pregnancy goodness across the tri-cities. And some of those early days, with the 3 hour feeds and the postpartum hormones and the night sweats and leaking breasts.... Some of those days your goal really is just to survive. And I know that most likely those early days with our next baby will be spent longing for at least a few hours of sweat free sleep.

But I also know there are things I will do differently. Swelling or not I’m taking pictures and video.

Its easy to get lost in the sadness, to feel bad and regret. But I know that I did enjoy my pregnancy even from my couch and bed. Maybe not the way a normal, healthy pregnant woman would have, but I did. I say I don’t remember things but I do. I remember so well lying in bed at 3am with my hands in my belly feeling him kick and move and roll. I remember sitting on my couch and seeing my belly jump for the first time. I remember how it felt when he would push against my hand and I remember the sound of his heartbeat. It was all so amazing and I cannot wait to do it again.

.......

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like when I get that BFP again. Not enough to plan surprise announcements to friends and family or browse the newest maternity fashions, but I’ve been thinking about that day... About that feeling... That you’re on top of the world and nothing can bring you down. In a previous post I made mention on how I forgot how it felt to get a positive pregnancy test. I was wrong. Its hard to remember in this sea of hopelessness I’ve immersed myself in, but its still there. And for the first time in a while I can remember it and how wonderful it felt. And I feel like I might actually get to feel it again soon. I’m not sure why but I have hope... However fleeting it may be.

This cycle failed. I didn’t ovulate and I’m definitely not going to get pregnant. But next cycle might be the one that everything changes. I have a good feeling about the things to come for us. I have hope that 100mg might be just what we need. Now I just pray that I am right.

And I suppose this entry is a perfect example of how witting helps in all of this... To sort things out, to remember, to reflect. . To sit down on a Saturday morning not knowing what you wanted to say, to rant and ramble and bounce around, to sort though the negative and then to send it out and to find your way back to feeling at least a little bit normal.

So As the snow falls and winter still lingers, I’m going to close my laptop and enjoy a Saturday in with the funniest little man in the world....

Escape

Well here we are on CD 15 and no signs of O. Its still possible but for the sake of my sanity I’m throwing in the towel for this cycle. 50mg failed. Lets hope 100mg does the trick.
So now we’re back to waiting....

I’m going to give it until next week before I officially call this one and call my dr for a new round of prescriptions. Then we’ll wait for Provera to work, cross our fingers, and take a deep breath.
In the mean time we’re getting the hell out of here for a few days. In 3 weeks Steve and I are going to take Caden up to the Dells to one of the great big indoor water parks. Our room is booked, I ordered Caden some water shoes, Steve got new tires and an oil change on the car - so now I just need to pick up a few things, secure the animals and house, and count down.

We’re really excited about this - its something we started to plan when we first began TTC. We assumed I’d be pregnant and wanted to have one last little trip just the three of us. But I’m not pregnant, who knows if or when I will be, so no time like the present. And it is helping me keep my mind off yet another failed cycle. Well, at least a little bit.

The resort we’re staying at has so much to do and I know Caden is going to have a blast - he loves the water. And the best part is that I get several uninterrupted days with my 2 favorite men!

And I’ll most likely be on Provera when we go so at least I don’t have to worry about AF ;)

Easy To Forget

On one of the boards I post on there is a variety of trying to conceive forums. I tend to hang out on the PCOS forum the most. It doesn’t move as fast as the others and we’re usually taking about random chitchat, doctors appointments, intros and vents.

Every so often I sneak over and lurk the regular trying to conceive forum... Just to see what its supposed to be like. I don’t know why I do it, it surely doesn’t make me feel better. Things move much faster over there - so many posts about the 2ww, DPO, symptoms... Posts about AF staying away whereas on the PCOS board we wish she’d finally show up. And of course all of the bfp posts - light lines, dark lines, darker lines, betas, symptoms, congratulations.

I try to imagine what they are feeling - those women with the two pink lines. The excitement, the nervousness, the tears. I remember everything about the day I got my BFP with Caden - everything except how it felt. That whole week as I drove into work I wondered if I was going to need to pull over and get sick - and it was only a 5 minute drive. I’d stand at my desk and debate if I should sit down or go throw up. I assumed my stomach was just acting up again. Wednesday I finally gave in and went home early, Thursday I woke up feeling terrible and stayed home. Friday I wasn’t feeling much better and just couldn’t pull myself out of bed.
Thursday night I had a dream - one of those really vivid ones that takes a few minutes after you wake up to separate reality from fiction. In my dream I hunted down a left over pregnancy test in the linen closet form a “scare” almost 2 years prior - it was positive.

Once I finally crawled out of bed I did my usual thing, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down at my computer. While I wasn’t really thinking about it, I just couldn’t shake that dream so at 10am I got up, hunted down that same pregnancy test from my dream, and took it.

I remember the bathroom window was open - the sky was overcast and the ground was wet but it wasn’t raining for once - it had been raining all month, including on our wedding day less than a month before. The date was May 26, 2006. It was cool, but nice, and there was a soft breeze blowing much like today. I remember how the air smelled.... And I remember those two pink lines appearing almost instantly. I remember that I was shocked and surprised, scared and excited. I remember running down the hall into the living room and stopping not sure what to do. I remember calling my friend and her telling me to go get another test since the one I took expired the next month. I remember throwing on my clothes and jumping in the car. I remember buying the tests and, in grand fashion, 2 cans of cat food because I didn’t want it to look like I came to the store for just a pregnancy test (haha). I remember drinking as much as I could as quick as I could and testing again.... I remember every detail so well.... Yet I don’t remember what any of it felt like.

I still have that first positive pregnancy test. I took about 7 of them and saved them all for a while, but finally just kept the first. A few months ago, after yet another anovulatory cycle, I sat on my bathroom floor with that test - staring at those two pink lines. Trying to remember what was too easy to forget.

My Beautiful Boy

We took Caden for his 2 year pictures today - they turned out well all things considered. I gave up on trying to get a bruise free picture and I learned that taking professional portraits of an always on the go two year old is considerably more difficult than a baby. The boy just wouldn’t stay still. Even the photographer just kind of sat there and said “I’m shocked he doesn’t have more bruises”. But he was having fun playing with all the props and the big basket of toys so who could blame him? And we did get some cute pics so mission accomplished. The upside is that I also spent a lot less. During Caden’s first year we took him every 3 months for pictures and I must say - I grew a damn cute baby. The bad was I had to have all the poses and would always walk out spending hundreds. This time, while all of the photos were still adorable (My cute baby turned into a pretty adorable toddler if I do say so myself) it was much easier to narrow it down. The best part was that we walked out of there with $85 worth of photos (4 poses) for $35. How I’m still not sure. Well, I do know, but it was quite unexpected. I had my typical coupon for one free photo sheet and 20% off my order. My self imposed spending limit for this session was $80 so I was going to be fine with that. But then we got an extra $20 off even when I told her she didn’t have to for a promotion we joined when Caden was first born but never got to use. Either way I was expecting to spend at least $80, so it was a very welcome surprise.

While we waited for our photos to be ready and all that fun stuff we took care of a little shopping as well. I was most decidedly due for a new bra and figured now was as good a time as any - and let me just say I love Victoria Secret’s Ipex bras.
I look young for my age - I always have, and I really hope I always will (ha). Some people (but not all) treated us poorly while planning our wedding because they thought I was 16. The looks I got when I was pregnant with Caden? Fantastic. I’ve even been carded to buy scratch off lottery tickets.
Anyway... While hunting down the just right bra (they moved stuff around on me!) I mentioned to the sales associate that “they just aren’t the same after pregnancy and nursing”... And they aren’t. The 23 year old sales associate looked away and shuffled a bit. Finally she asked... “if you don’t mind.. How old are you?”. I’m 26. A sigh of relief and a little giggle “oh, because you mentioned you had a child and I thought you were 15 or 16”. Mmmm, I was happy. A new bra and I can still pass as 16 year old mother. Not bad.

Side note: I don’t think I still look that young. I get it from time to time, but not as much as I used to. Must depend on the day.... And how well Caden is behaving that week ;).

After all was said and done we took Caden on the carousel and headed home.

.......

My appointment this afternoon was fine. I wouldn’t say wonderful as there wasn’t much that happened and I honestly feel a little robbed of yet another $20 copay, but such is life. My lab results were fine - exactly what you’d want to see from someone about to start their period. We didn’t end up testing my LH after all, which is the one I was interested in, but everything else looked normal.

I’m starting Clomid again tomorrow (CD4-8) since AF didn’t fully come on until Wednesday night. Originally I was planning to take the pill at night as women on other boards suggested doing so that you sleep away any nasty side effects. When I told my mom this her eyes grew wide and she was quick to let me know that there was no way in hell I’d sleep though a hot flash. I know there are other side effects but I’ve decided to take my chances and I’m going to start in the morning. Perhaps I’ll regret that choice later, but for now we’ll see what happens. I just want to get started.

So now we sit and wait - cross our fingers and hope, and oh do I hope, that this works. I’m trying to be optimistic without getting my hopes up too high just to be dashed down again, but that is easier said than done. I am so very hopeful that if not a pregnancy, we’ll at least get one good egg. Please.

Tomorrow I have a few prescriptions to fill and errands to run, but otherwise it looks like a very relaxing weekend - something I need.

To end this post on an adorable note... A few more of my baby’s 2 year portraits...

Bumps and Bruises

AF did show without doubt yesterday and I’m glad. I’m actually really glad as if I would have just spotted it would have left a cloud of doubt over this entire cycle... Well, a cloud that is darker than the one that is already here. And I am quite happy that she decided to show before I was scheduled to take my 2nd dose of clomid as that would have made an even bigger mess out of things, at least in my mind.

And the even more good news is that I did have a nice lining which means I’m not low in estrogen. The only “down” to all of this is the timing, that AF finally decided to show after the labs and after we decided to move on without her.

I’ll most likely start clomid again tomorrow (CD 3) or even Sunday (CD5), depending on what my doctor wants to do. My question is if I’ll just take the 4 I have left or get another prescription for one more. In all the talking I believe my doctor said one pill isn’t going to make a huge difference, but I’m not sure what exactly that was in reference too, and I’d personally prefer to take the full 5 - give us the best chance at this cycle as its already off to a funky start.

I still have an appointment tomorrow to sit down and go over the labs we ran and decide when to start clomid again. Right now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the labs are all the same as before, or even a little better. Just please, no unexpected bad results.

.......

In other non reproductive happenings tomorrow we also have an appointment after Steve gets home from work to have Caden’s 2 year pictures taken. We were supposed to get them done yesterday but Caden still has a small bruise on his forehead from last week. Its light and hard to notice, but I think it would show up in pics. Its getting better so I am really hoping it is gone tomorrow and we don’t have to reschedule yet again.
Caden is an extremely active little guy (and I mean extremely) so I’m well aware that bumps and bruises are part of the game - but he hasn’t had a mark on his face in months. But, with pictures coming, I knew one was sure to pop up.
........

My dog is driving me up the wall today. She is currently baying and going nuts at the mail man, which is fine. But every five minutes she wants to go out. Then she wants back in. Then she wants back out. Then she is sitting up on the back of the big arm chair where she knows she isn’t supposed to be. If she hears me get down... The fact that she knows is what drives me crazy. I guess thats just a beagle for you and she is pretty cute... Just in or out.

And finally, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been playing with layouts again. I like it! I am so ready for spring to come. I miss playing outside and going on walks... Once the heat of mid summer arrives I’m sure to be bitching once more, but for now.... I miss the flowers.

Where to begin....

The past two days have been interesting and exciting and once we thought we had things figured out, my body found a way to throw one last wrench into our plans. And at this point all we can do is laugh... and we did.

My appointment yesterday went okay - I sat down and spouted off all the things I researched and ruled out leaving only low estrogen as the culprit. The first thing my doctor said was “you had a nice thick lining at your ultrasound last cycle....”. I did, which is why I was so upset about all of this. I’ve always bled at least a little bit, on my own or with provera, so how my estrogen decided to tank all of the sudden had me freaked. And I was right that without estrogen, clomid isn’t going to work. So, we drew labs (E2, FSH, LH, TSH) and made an appointment to go over everything on Friday. In the mean time my doctor mentioned she was going to get a consult with a specialist outside her practice.

I got home at 1pm and was surprised when the phone rang at 2:30...
“I talked to Dr. So and so and wanted to let you know what he said......”

My original hesitation as to how my estrogen all of the sudden dropped wasn’t unfounded it seems. My dr (and the consult) agreed that they wouldn’t suspect estrogen just to drop like that and that it was elevated testosterone levels causing me not to bleed, not lack of a lining. In cases such as mine Dr. So and so (who got my neighbor pregnant (ivf) when everyone else told her it wouldn’t work, so I do trust him) said he has his patients start clomid on day 6-8 after provera (I was 8) since even though there was no bleed, everything did reset. It doesn’t make sense when I say it but it did when my doctor explained it to me. It could still be an estrogen issue... But in the end... It appears they were right, even without the labs.

So.... Last night I started Clomid.....

And this morning........

My period arrived.

Go freaking figure.
Right now its pretty light, maybe a tiny bit more than spotting. The current plan in hopes for best success at this point is to stay on clomid. If its just spotting my Dr doesn’t think its enough to compromise the quality of the lining. However, if I start to have a real flow the we’ll have to stop the clomid and start over in a few days.

I swear.... I’m really hoping she just comes full force today because this maybe sorta kinda AF is really messing things up! And if not with my body at least with my head ;)

I can't do this anymore

I have a call into my Doctor’s office - she is out today but will call me back tomorrow. Either we’re starting clomid or I’m giving up... And honestly giving up sounds like the better option. I can’t do this anymore.

Two months... Its been two more long months and we aren’t any closer to having a baby. Two more months, a shit ton of pills, and nothing to show for it. No egg, no period, no pregnancy, just me sobbing in my living room asking why. I've tried to be positive - I've tried to distract myself, but really... whats the point?

I finished Provera on Monday and I still haven’t got AF. I know it can take a week blah blah blah..... But if the Metformin was doing anything to help at all then I think I’d have got it by now. Instead nothing - not a single cramp, not a single spot, nothing... So I doubt she is showing anytime soon.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this - I have no reason to expect clomid will work since nothing else has and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I have never hated my body more than I do right now. I think its time to accept the truth of my situation.

Starting at the end again

This morning I started Provera again which means I got to bask in the glow of yet another negative pregnancy test. I found myself just sitting there staring at the test... Not at the results as I knew what they would be, but at the test itself... The result key just off to the side of that little window... Pregnant. I, of course, related more to the “Not Pregnant” printed on the line below, but I couldn’t take my eyes off that one little word and that little picture of two little lines. I wish I knew what I was feeling, but I don’t. I just stared.

After I had enough I went and crawled back into my warm bed and under the covers and stared a while longer out the window. It has been so cold lately, and today looks like no exception. I wished I could go back to sleep but within a few minutes I gave up and crawled back out of bed and here I sit. We gave up on this cycle and stopped actively trying to conceive a week ago, so this time I don’t even have that in these little pills. My hope at this point is that my period arrives quickly and we can just move on.

I wish I could say I had some grand hope about this next cycle but I don’t. I will say that I do think the Metformin has had some positive effects on me as I have noticed changes from previous cycles, but I’ve accepted at this point we’re going to need more than just this. I am okay with giving one more cycle before moving on - mainly due to the reduced risk of miscarriage in women with PCOS who were on Metformin prior to conceiving. And who knows, this could be the cycle everything changes, this could be the cycle we’ve been waiting so many months for... But I doubt it.
I try to remind myself that anything is possible - despite how expected a negative pregnancy test might be, those results always leave you feeling just a little bit down and this morning is no exception.

I cancelled my upcoming appointment on the 4th as the timing turned out to make that appointment irrelevant to my cycle. Instead I’ll be going in on the 24th - by that point I should be far enough in my cycle that we will know what is happening and be able to move on accordingly.

And in other somewhat good news the $1,000.00 bill denied by my insurance as it was coded as infertility has been re-coded and resubmitted. It is still showing as pending but at least a portion has been paid. That portion is low so I’m hoping the insurance company isn’t going to try to deny some of the tests as infertility, but we’ll see. If so I have every intention of appealing (and winning). The kicker - Two weeks ago my insurance company sent me a pamphlet on the importance of regular gynecological check ups and how fragile your reproductive health is... Of course they failed to include that little disclaimer that if something is wrong, you’re up the creek and don’t look to them for a paddle... And definitely not a payment.

.....

Caden’s party is just a week away so my plan for today is to wrap this up, jump in the shower, and get his cake ordered. The cake has been quite the ordeal but I’m not even going to get started on that. I find it hard to believe just how quickly these two years have passed, and it breaks my heart how hard it is to remember what Caden was like as an itty bitty newborn at times. I remember moments so well, but at the same time I don’t remember and it is so hard to explain. I look at his baby photos and it is hard to believe he was ever that small. Now he is a constantly moving little ball of energy, our little man, who makes me smile and keeps me on my toes, he is, after all, what I live for, but it all just goes so fast. Caden is such a smart little boy - he knows most of his letters and can count to ten and so much more. And he is so funny - always good for a giggle and a smile.

Once again I stare but this time at nothing... I love listening to him laugh.

Holding Pattern

I haven’t felt like writing lately because I guess I don’t have much to say. As I already knew I didn’t ovulate so now we just wait. Assuming AF doesn’t show, and I doubt she will, I’m going to start Provera again at the end of this week - I’ll probably refill my prescription on Wednesday since we’re in for some pretty cold temps at the end of the week and I don’t want to drag Caden out in that weather. Knowing the end to this cycle is in sight has helped keep some of the negative feelings tucked into the back corners of my mind. They are never gone, but at least they aren’t dominate.

Saturday we watched my 3 year old nephew for most of the day. Watching him and Caden play was so sweet and I kept thinking what a great big brother Caden will be. I kept thinking how wonderful it will be to have our two children playing like that. Seeing my husband play with both of the boys hurt a little - he is such a great Daddy (or Dee as Caden calls him) and he deserves his second child. We both do. I only hope I can give it to him... To us.

Otherwise, I’ve been trying to keep my mind off things. We’ve been working on a few projects around the house, getting things in line for Caden’s birthday party (less than 2 weeks!), etc. I’ve also noticed that I tend to distract myself by spending money, particularly on craft and scrapbooking stuff, which I really shouldn’t do... I went a little overboard the past few weeks so I’m done for a while! Its not like I’m putting us in debt or anything, but I have so much stuff as is and lack the time to use it all, so I need to focus more on using what I have. I love to scrapbook and paper craft and the like - I just need more time!

Speaking of which, my scrap/craft room has been a bit of a debate within my mind. When I was pregnant with Caden we painted the room yellow and turned it into our office/craft room. As time has gone on, I really didn’t like the color and have wanted to paint it. However, knowing that soon enough the room would become a nursery and thus painted again we never did anything. We almost painted in July but then began TTC so we held off. Had I known what I do now, I would have just painted it.

I talked to DH about it and we (well, he) are going to go ahead and paint the room. I think we’re both secretly hoping Murphy’s law kicks in and I get pregnant right away after painting it, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. If we do end up needing to repaint that room and turn it into a nursery right away though, I doubt either of us will mind. And if months from now I’m still not pregnant, well then at least I won’t be looking at the yellow walls kicking myself for not going ahead and painting. So, either next weekend or sometime after Caden’s party, depending on when we have the time, we’re going to paint the room a pretty shade of green.

I’ve been able to distract myself with room plans and better ways to organize which has been helpful, and I am excited about my new room. At least it won’t be a reminder of the wait anymore. Once the time comes to turn that room into a nursery we plan to move my craft stuff to the basement and I have plans floating around in my head for that, too. I’ve debated just moving everything down now, instead of waiting, but I don’t think that the empty room would be good for me right now.

Otherwise I’ve just been hanging out with my boys, playing in the snow, playing with cars and trains, and just being. I’m just glad that for the most part I haven’t been dwelling on that which I cannot change and I hope to continue. Soon enough we’ll be onto a new cycle, new hope, and if not, a new plan.

Unconventional Wisdom

I spoke with my doctor yesterday afternoon regarding the timing of my upcoming appointment and she said that she would like to see me do another cycle/month on Met before starting Clomid but if I was feeling anxious we could go ahead and begin next cycle. I agreed that it would be best to wait another cycle before starting Clomid - I know it can take some time for the drug to sort things out and seeing that time on Clomid is limited, I don’t want to rush anything and I want to give us the best chance possible of the meds working. It helps to know, too, that if something goes wonky and I do start getting anxious (well, more so than now) we can go ahead and start. So far I’m okay though, and I think that this will be best. Unless AF takes her sweet time showing up after the Provera - then I’ve decided we’re moving on.

So we wait. Wait to start Provera, Wait for AF, Waiting (and hoping) to ovulate or waiting for another cycle to end. Its the waiting that makes me so anxious, the waiting with no hope. At least if I was ovulating I’d be waiting for something but instead I wait for something that never comes. And if I was ovulating on the second half I’d have hope, a chance, a possibility of pregnancy... Instead my wait is empty with no hope, no possibility, and a bottle of pills in my hand instead of a pregnancy test. But at this point its all we can do, so we wait. While it doesn’t feel like it, I am doing what I can. Next cycle could be the cycle, the wait could finally pay off, and if not, we’ll move on.

Last night after I gave my son his bath and tucked him into bed I grabbed a book from the shelf and snuggled up next to him to read him is bedtime story. It was a book I’ve read so many times in the past and I grabbed it pretty much at random, not thinking or remembering much about it at all. I turned the pages and read the happy rhymes while Caden looked at the bright pictures and giggled and smiled... And then I found something I never quite expected to find... A little bit of wisdom in words and rhymes meant for my child, but that I needed to hear...

So I leave you with a few pages from the wise Dr. Seuss and his book, “Oh, the Places You’ll go!”

..........
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
Or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
That you’ll start in to race
Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

... For people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
Or the mail to come, or the rain to go,
Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
Or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
Or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
Or waiting around for Friday night
Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
Or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
Or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
Or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting...

NO! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
All that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
Where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping
Once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of guy!

.......................................

I’m afraid that some times
You’ll play lonely games too
Games you can’t win
‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
You’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
You’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
That can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
Though the weather be foul
On you will go
Though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
Through Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
A frightening creek,
Though your arms may get sore
And your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far
And face up to your problems
Whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
As you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
With many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s
A Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains.

So...
Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
Or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off to great places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... Get on your way.