Saturday, February 21, 2009

Saturday Morning

This morning we woke up to snow for the first time in a while. I’ve been excited about this and am thrilled to have a blanket of white outside once more. A reminder that winter is still here, that another season hasn’t passed without so much as an egg.

But, considering its CD18 and still no signs of ovulation... I need to accept that winter will have passed by the time we try again. By the time I start provera for 10 days, and who knows how long AF will take to show up after that... Most likely we’ll be looking at early April for ovulation. Which, as long as it happens, fine by me.

The truth is I never expected this - not even with the crazy cycles and knowing something was wrong. I never expected to make it though the end of summer, fall, winter, and now heading into spring without so much as a freaking egg. I never expected to feel so defeated.

After we had Caden I made mention on several occasions how I actually wanted to TTC next time - to actually really try. We did have unprotected sex and knew the possibility on our honeymoon, whatever happened, happened but we really weren’t expecting to get pregnant (I had just finished my period). So for our second we wanted that chance - I wanted to hope and anticipate and actually try. I always made sure to cover my bases, or so I thought, and add in the “well, I want to try but only for a month or two! I still want to get pregnant right away...” Oh how stupid I feel now.... how I regret those words.

The truth of the matter is that I have a lot of regrets. I know the “cool” thing to say is that you have none, I mean really regrets are just pointless. But I do - I have so many and they hurt so much.

I regret the first thing I said when I got my BFP was “oh shit”. I was excited and thrilled but terrified.... After the honeymoon, since the timing was all wrong and we thought for sure I wasn’t pregnant... We decided to wait a year before TTC.

I regret not taking more belly pics. I have a few, and for those I am grateful. But I developed Pre-eclampsia at 23 weeks with Caden and my face swelled terribly. I didn’t even look like myself anymore so I tended to avoid the camera.

I regret not fully enjoying my pregnancy, even though that was really out of my hands. I never really complained a lot, not even through the complications. Sure I broke down over the worry, over the helplessness. I couldn’t wait to get him on the outside where I felt I could protect him more. And I had terrible sciatica and insomnia (don’t wish either on my worst enemy). And I guess this is less of a regret and more of a wish.... I spent the last 4 months of my pregnancy on bed rest. When I had my cute, round belly I was sitting on a couch waiting... I wish I could have been that beaming pregnant woman out and about, hands on her belly, smiling.

I regret not savoring those newborn moments more. I’ve taken almost (if not over) 10,000 photos of Caden in his 2 years. I remember every detail... I just wish I would have taken more time to just sit back and take in every single feeling and emotion. I wish I wasn’t so eager for him to sleep through the night or to get a little bigger. I miss my baby.

I realize that the truth is most of these are unavoidable. I couldn’t control my pre-eclampsia and I wasn’t about to jeopardize the health of my son (and myself) to go prance around and glow pregnancy goodness across the tri-cities. And some of those early days, with the 3 hour feeds and the postpartum hormones and the night sweats and leaking breasts.... Some of those days your goal really is just to survive. And I know that most likely those early days with our next baby will be spent longing for at least a few hours of sweat free sleep.

But I also know there are things I will do differently. Swelling or not I’m taking pictures and video.

Its easy to get lost in the sadness, to feel bad and regret. But I know that I did enjoy my pregnancy even from my couch and bed. Maybe not the way a normal, healthy pregnant woman would have, but I did. I say I don’t remember things but I do. I remember so well lying in bed at 3am with my hands in my belly feeling him kick and move and roll. I remember sitting on my couch and seeing my belly jump for the first time. I remember how it felt when he would push against my hand and I remember the sound of his heartbeat. It was all so amazing and I cannot wait to do it again.


I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like when I get that BFP again. Not enough to plan surprise announcements to friends and family or browse the newest maternity fashions, but I’ve been thinking about that day... About that feeling... That you’re on top of the world and nothing can bring you down. In a previous post I made mention on how I forgot how it felt to get a positive pregnancy test. I was wrong. Its hard to remember in this sea of hopelessness I’ve immersed myself in, but its still there. And for the first time in a while I can remember it and how wonderful it felt. And I feel like I might actually get to feel it again soon. I’m not sure why but I have hope... However fleeting it may be.

This cycle failed. I didn’t ovulate and I’m definitely not going to get pregnant. But next cycle might be the one that everything changes. I have a good feeling about the things to come for us. I have hope that 100mg might be just what we need. Now I just pray that I am right.

And I suppose this entry is a perfect example of how witting helps in all of this... To sort things out, to remember, to reflect. . To sit down on a Saturday morning not knowing what you wanted to say, to rant and ramble and bounce around, to sort though the negative and then to send it out and to find your way back to feeling at least a little bit normal.

So As the snow falls and winter still lingers, I’m going to close my laptop and enjoy a Saturday in with the funniest little man in the world....


dana said...

It's very brave of you to admit your pregnancy regrets.

- dana
Visiting from IComLeavWe.

Anonymous said...

[Visiting from ICLW]

First I want to complement your header. It's beautiful.

Second, you are indeed brave to share your regrets. I'm sorry that the second time around has been so bumpy and hope that you have a turnaround soon!

Seriously? - Erin said...

Here from ICLW. I am sorry that your wish for baby 2 hasn't happened as easily as with baby 1.

I guess knowing what you regret about your first pregnancy will make it that much easier to enjoy the next.

I have always said this might be my only one so I have tried to enjoy it as much as possible!


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