Saturday, January 17, 2009

Starting at the end again

This morning I started Provera again which means I got to bask in the glow of yet another negative pregnancy test. I found myself just sitting there staring at the test... Not at the results as I knew what they would be, but at the test itself... The result key just off to the side of that little window... Pregnant. I, of course, related more to the “Not Pregnant” printed on the line below, but I couldn’t take my eyes off that one little word and that little picture of two little lines. I wish I knew what I was feeling, but I don’t. I just stared.

After I had enough I went and crawled back into my warm bed and under the covers and stared a while longer out the window. It has been so cold lately, and today looks like no exception. I wished I could go back to sleep but within a few minutes I gave up and crawled back out of bed and here I sit. We gave up on this cycle and stopped actively trying to conceive a week ago, so this time I don’t even have that in these little pills. My hope at this point is that my period arrives quickly and we can just move on.

I wish I could say I had some grand hope about this next cycle but I don’t. I will say that I do think the Metformin has had some positive effects on me as I have noticed changes from previous cycles, but I’ve accepted at this point we’re going to need more than just this. I am okay with giving one more cycle before moving on - mainly due to the reduced risk of miscarriage in women with PCOS who were on Metformin prior to conceiving. And who knows, this could be the cycle everything changes, this could be the cycle we’ve been waiting so many months for... But I doubt it.
I try to remind myself that anything is possible - despite how expected a negative pregnancy test might be, those results always leave you feeling just a little bit down and this morning is no exception.

I cancelled my upcoming appointment on the 4th as the timing turned out to make that appointment irrelevant to my cycle. Instead I’ll be going in on the 24th - by that point I should be far enough in my cycle that we will know what is happening and be able to move on accordingly.

And in other somewhat good news the $1,000.00 bill denied by my insurance as it was coded as infertility has been re-coded and resubmitted. It is still showing as pending but at least a portion has been paid. That portion is low so I’m hoping the insurance company isn’t going to try to deny some of the tests as infertility, but we’ll see. If so I have every intention of appealing (and winning). The kicker - Two weeks ago my insurance company sent me a pamphlet on the importance of regular gynecological check ups and how fragile your reproductive health is... Of course they failed to include that little disclaimer that if something is wrong, you’re up the creek and don’t look to them for a paddle... And definitely not a payment.


Caden’s party is just a week away so my plan for today is to wrap this up, jump in the shower, and get his cake ordered. The cake has been quite the ordeal but I’m not even going to get started on that. I find it hard to believe just how quickly these two years have passed, and it breaks my heart how hard it is to remember what Caden was like as an itty bitty newborn at times. I remember moments so well, but at the same time I don’t remember and it is so hard to explain. I look at his baby photos and it is hard to believe he was ever that small. Now he is a constantly moving little ball of energy, our little man, who makes me smile and keeps me on my toes, he is, after all, what I live for, but it all just goes so fast. Caden is such a smart little boy - he knows most of his letters and can count to ten and so much more. And he is so funny - always good for a giggle and a smile.

Once again I stare but this time at nothing... I love listening to him laugh.


Aramelle said...

The end of a cycle is full of so many emotions that sometimes feel absolutely impossible to be put into words. Knowing that the test is going to be negative doesn't protect our hearts from hoping that it just might magically be positive, and it doesn't stop the heartache that comes when that hope is taken away from us.

I'm so sorry that you didn't get that positive this time around. I hope that it won't be long before you do!


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