Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Easy To Forget

On one of the boards I post on there is a variety of trying to conceive forums. I tend to hang out on the PCOS forum the most. It doesn’t move as fast as the others and we’re usually taking about random chitchat, doctors appointments, intros and vents.

Every so often I sneak over and lurk the regular trying to conceive forum... Just to see what its supposed to be like. I don’t know why I do it, it surely doesn’t make me feel better. Things move much faster over there - so many posts about the 2ww, DPO, symptoms... Posts about AF staying away whereas on the PCOS board we wish she’d finally show up. And of course all of the bfp posts - light lines, dark lines, darker lines, betas, symptoms, congratulations.

I try to imagine what they are feeling - those women with the two pink lines. The excitement, the nervousness, the tears. I remember everything about the day I got my BFP with Caden - everything except how it felt. That whole week as I drove into work I wondered if I was going to need to pull over and get sick - and it was only a 5 minute drive. I’d stand at my desk and debate if I should sit down or go throw up. I assumed my stomach was just acting up again. Wednesday I finally gave in and went home early, Thursday I woke up feeling terrible and stayed home. Friday I wasn’t feeling much better and just couldn’t pull myself out of bed.
Thursday night I had a dream - one of those really vivid ones that takes a few minutes after you wake up to separate reality from fiction. In my dream I hunted down a left over pregnancy test in the linen closet form a “scare” almost 2 years prior - it was positive.

Once I finally crawled out of bed I did my usual thing, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down at my computer. While I wasn’t really thinking about it, I just couldn’t shake that dream so at 10am I got up, hunted down that same pregnancy test from my dream, and took it.

I remember the bathroom window was open - the sky was overcast and the ground was wet but it wasn’t raining for once - it had been raining all month, including on our wedding day less than a month before. The date was May 26, 2006. It was cool, but nice, and there was a soft breeze blowing much like today. I remember how the air smelled.... And I remember those two pink lines appearing almost instantly. I remember that I was shocked and surprised, scared and excited. I remember running down the hall into the living room and stopping not sure what to do. I remember calling my friend and her telling me to go get another test since the one I took expired the next month. I remember throwing on my clothes and jumping in the car. I remember buying the tests and, in grand fashion, 2 cans of cat food because I didn’t want it to look like I came to the store for just a pregnancy test (haha). I remember drinking as much as I could as quick as I could and testing again.... I remember every detail so well.... Yet I don’t remember what any of it felt like.

I still have that first positive pregnancy test. I took about 7 of them and saved them all for a while, but finally just kept the first. A few months ago, after yet another anovulatory cycle, I sat on my bathroom floor with that test - staring at those two pink lines. Trying to remember what was too easy to forget.


Aramelle said...

This is an interesting post for me. I think it's easy to *think* that we'll remember how it feels, but I also think that the sense of any emotion is such a fleeting thing that it's normal to forget. I really do believe that you're going to get another chance to feel that way again, though. :)


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