Holding Pattern

I haven’t felt like writing lately because I guess I don’t have much to say. As I already knew I didn’t ovulate so now we just wait. Assuming AF doesn’t show, and I doubt she will, I’m going to start Provera again at the end of this week - I’ll probably refill my prescription on Wednesday since we’re in for some pretty cold temps at the end of the week and I don’t want to drag Caden out in that weather. Knowing the end to this cycle is in sight has helped keep some of the negative feelings tucked into the back corners of my mind. They are never gone, but at least they aren’t dominate.

Saturday we watched my 3 year old nephew for most of the day. Watching him and Caden play was so sweet and I kept thinking what a great big brother Caden will be. I kept thinking how wonderful it will be to have our two children playing like that. Seeing my husband play with both of the boys hurt a little - he is such a great Daddy (or Dee as Caden calls him) and he deserves his second child. We both do. I only hope I can give it to him... To us.

Otherwise, I’ve been trying to keep my mind off things. We’ve been working on a few projects around the house, getting things in line for Caden’s birthday party (less than 2 weeks!), etc. I’ve also noticed that I tend to distract myself by spending money, particularly on craft and scrapbooking stuff, which I really shouldn’t do... I went a little overboard the past few weeks so I’m done for a while! Its not like I’m putting us in debt or anything, but I have so much stuff as is and lack the time to use it all, so I need to focus more on using what I have. I love to scrapbook and paper craft and the like - I just need more time!

Speaking of which, my scrap/craft room has been a bit of a debate within my mind. When I was pregnant with Caden we painted the room yellow and turned it into our office/craft room. As time has gone on, I really didn’t like the color and have wanted to paint it. However, knowing that soon enough the room would become a nursery and thus painted again we never did anything. We almost painted in July but then began TTC so we held off. Had I known what I do now, I would have just painted it.

I talked to DH about it and we (well, he) are going to go ahead and paint the room. I think we’re both secretly hoping Murphy’s law kicks in and I get pregnant right away after painting it, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. If we do end up needing to repaint that room and turn it into a nursery right away though, I doubt either of us will mind. And if months from now I’m still not pregnant, well then at least I won’t be looking at the yellow walls kicking myself for not going ahead and painting. So, either next weekend or sometime after Caden’s party, depending on when we have the time, we’re going to paint the room a pretty shade of green.

I’ve been able to distract myself with room plans and better ways to organize which has been helpful, and I am excited about my new room. At least it won’t be a reminder of the wait anymore. Once the time comes to turn that room into a nursery we plan to move my craft stuff to the basement and I have plans floating around in my head for that, too. I’ve debated just moving everything down now, instead of waiting, but I don’t think that the empty room would be good for me right now.

Otherwise I’ve just been hanging out with my boys, playing in the snow, playing with cars and trains, and just being. I’m just glad that for the most part I haven’t been dwelling on that which I cannot change and I hope to continue. Soon enough we’ll be onto a new cycle, new hope, and if not, a new plan.