Thursday, March 26, 2009

Better Late Than Never

Thanks to a wonderful cold/flu/whatever, I’ve been down for the past week or so wallowing in a coughing, aching, snotty pit of despair. I’m starting to feel better finally but haven’t been online much as a result. Seeing as this happened for the start of ICLW, I have a lot of catching up to do!

To sum things up as the last post I made was actually a bit ago (silly blog layout doesn’t post dates!) AF did show that Monday at 16dpo. As much as I was (and am) sad not to be pregnant, I have tried to see the positive in this. This time last month I had given up on my first clomid cycle... And it ended up coming through. I ovulated late (CD 25) but I did ovulate on 50mg.

Of course now I worry that it was a fluke, that it won’t happen again. And then I worry that we didn’t conceive because something else is wrong, too. I wonder why I couldn’t be one of the lucky ones, well, as “lucky” as anyone in this situation can be. But I remind myself even healthy couples doing everything right don’t get pregnant the first time out (or in my case ovulating).

I’m currently on CD 11. Still on 1500mg of Met and 50mg clomid days 3-7. I started OPKs yesterday and my first was negative so that is good news. Now we’re just left to sit and wait and see what happens.

Prior to getting sick and missing the start of ICLW I had planned to do some sort of an intro as I’ve seen on so many blogs... But seeing as I’m already late and feeling a bit negative I don’t see much of a point so I’ll keep this short... I’m 26, I was fertile, I was one of the lucky ones to conceive the first time we had unprotected sex (on our honeymoon!), I had a complicated pregnancy due to pre-eclampsia, spent 4 months on bed rest and as far as I was concerned, paid my reproductive dues - welcomed my beautiful boy into the world by emergency c-section on January 24, 2007 - amazingly at 39 weeks... enjoyed life, got sick, had an appendectomy in feb 2008, stopped ovulating, Started TTC (if you can call it that) in August 2008, diagnosed with PCOS in November 2008, started Met in December, and am currently on round two of clomid.
I’ve been feeling a little down this week which has probably led to my internet avoidance. The fact that I’m also trying to spend less time online probably factors in as well. I’ve been getting so exhausted and worn out in the afternoons again and I think that is the most likely cause of my crappy mood this week.

When I first started this blog I thought I’d have so much to say - and I do. I’m sure I could find something to write or post about daily. And I’m sure if I really wanted to I could work the time in, too. But I’ve learned certain things can only be said so many times. And while these thoughts are always with me, sometimes it helps just to leave them in the back recesses of my mind. Sometimes it helps to give into the distractions.

So that is my plan for the next little while - distractions. I have lots of cleaning to catch up on, Easter and Spring are coming, crafts I’ve wanted to get done... I have high hopes for this cycle even if I don’t feel them today. My breasts started hurting and I’m hoping that is the result of a little egg soon to release. I want to believe in this, I want this to work. I need this to work. But for now I need to be sane, I need to think of other things, and to do that I’ll find comfort in the distractions. So I’m off to comment away, work out, and get cleaning!

If you've read this far I apologize for this mess of random ramblings :D But I suppose that is what this portion of a cycle is like. Waiting, unknown, who the hell knows what will happen. But I do know that good things are yet to come.

Sunday, March 15, 2009


When I woke up Friday morning I didn’t even want to test. I knew what the outcome would be and I didn’t have the urge. I wasn’t upset, I just didn’t care. But I tested anyway knowing that at 13dpo I should be able to trust the result without much question. I thought I caught the slightest hint of the line if you turned the test just right, but there wasn’t any line there. The test was negative - Not pregnant. I did at least discover the best thing about testing in a hotel... By the time the urge hits you to go HPT dumpster diving, housekeeping has already taken out the trash.

So now all that is left for this cycle is to wait for AF to show. I packed the necessary supplies just in case AF showed early - Tampons, Midol, even clomid.... But I didn’t expect her to be late. I’ve never charted an ovulatory cycle so I’m not quite sure what my LP is. In the past based off when I thought I might be ovulating my LP was 14 days but it is entirely possible I was off a day or two. I am 15dpo today so I expect the witch to show either later today or tomorrow. In the off chance that she isn’t here by Monday morning, I’ll test again. But I’m expecting that won’t be necessary.


Our trip was nothing short of wonderful but entirely too short. While it was nice to sleep in my comfortable bet with soft, plush linens last night, I’m a bit sad to be back to normal life today. Tomorrow my husband will return to work, leaving before Caden or I (most likely) even step out of bed and not returning until dinner that night. We won’t hear his voice in the morning or see his face at the breakfast table with us for five days - and we surely won’t spend the day splashing around the pool with him or the early afternoon climbing through tree forts and racing down slides.

We were originally only staying two nights - Checking in on Wednesday and checking out on Friday. On the drive up we decided pretty quickly that two nights wasn’t going to be nearly enough and that another night was necessary. Lucky for us the hotel had the availability and even upgraded our suite. While I would love to lounge all day with my two boys with few cares in the world - Check out Saturday morning was perfect. Our entire stay the hotel wasn’t crowded at all... There were no lines for slides or crowds in the pools, lounge chairs were plentiful as was parking. Friday night you could notice an increase in activity and space was limited in both the water and the parking lot - and by Saturday the hotel was packed with weekend and spring break guests. Perfect time to make our exit.

The hotel was nice and clean and very cute. Our room was large with a separate sitting area and fireplace that came in handy during nap time. The linens could use an upgrade and the beds could have been more comfortable, but it wasn’t enough to dampen or moods or shadow our stay. There were 3 large indoor water park areas and each one had something geared for toddlers. Caden is such a little fish and loves the water - Every morning when we got our swimsuits on he would get so excited and literally skip down the hall “I love water!”. His favorite was the kiddie slides meant for guest 48” and under - he’d race down the slide into Mommy’s arms and then quickly run out of the pool to Daddy and go down again. He loved the splash parks and squirting water, and even went down some pretty big slides, too. He was happy to splash in the kiddie pools and loved to fight the waves and ride in the inner tubes of the wave pools.

After nap time and before dinner when dry fun was required, he loved to play in the four story tree fort - A network of tubes and slides, nets and foam balls flying around. In the evenings there was a song and dance show at the clock tower and a bed time story and by the time we got back to our room Caden was out like a light and ready to do it all again in the morning.

Our little mini-vacation couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m not dwelling on the negative pregnancy tests and I don’t feel defeated. Instead we’ll just try again and I feel incredibly lucky for the beautiful boy that I have. Every single day of my life I feel lucky and am grateful for that boy -nothing, especially infertility, will ever change that. But this trip has reminded me of the silver lining (if there was one) to our delay in adding to our family and that is I get more time with just my little boy. Of course I feel sad with each month that passes and another month separates Caden from his future sibling, and of course I know that once we have our second child the love will multiply and not divide. And of course I know that while our attention will be split it will be worth it.... But for the time being it is nice to be able to lavish all of our attention on Caden. To spend this time with just him - learning all about just him. And spending time with this wonderful little person who makes us laugh in ways we didn’t know possible.

Had I known that after February 2008 I would have stopped ovulating and been unable to conceive without medical assistance of course we would have tried sooner. If I knew a door was going to slam shut of course we would have been sure to slip our foot in the door before it locked. But we didn’t know so we went along with our plans and while I am angry and frustrated and sad that we are facing infertility, I am also happy we have had this time with our son. I read and talk to women facing infertility who already have plans laid to try for the 2nd, 3rd, whatever while still trying for the first. Plans laid to start trying again as soon as conception is possible - 6 weeks, 2 months... And while I understand that, I am grateful that I did not have to walk those shoes, though I wish I didn't have to walk this path at all. I am grateful that I have been able to fully enjoy my son as he is, my life as it is... And while so much of the past 7 months have involved infertility, it is not the main focus of our life - Caden is. And that is something I remind myself of daily. It is so easy to get lost here.

Steve and I originally wanted three children, the third being more spaced out than the first two. The third was never set in stone of course - nothing in life is. We still would love to have three one day and there are times I have thought that maybe we should start trying for that third as soon as we’re cleared after our second is born. But that thought is only fleeting - that thinking doesn’t work for me. I can’t wait for this part, the infertility part, to be over even if only temporarily. While I understand it will always be a part of my life now, I cannot wait to not think about it for a while. To enjoy my children and just be. To watch my baby grow and develop without the stress of tests and cycles and single pink lines. I can’t wait to learn the things about this next baby that I have with Caden - Will he love water? Will he laugh and giggle in delight at the sight of other small babies? Will he walk at 9 months too, or will he take his time? And I cannot wait to watch my little boy with our next child. I cannot wait to put this behind us even if only for a bit. To enjoy my family as I enjoy it now. To just be. And when the time comes if we decide to face these demons again, which I am sure we will, so be it. And if it doesn’t happen - At least I’ll be able to look back and know that I did not let this consume those months... Those hours.

I am the luckiest. And while I would have done things differently if I had known that infertility was in our future - I am glad I have been able to enjoy this time with just my son and my husband. I am grateful for our time as a family of three, and I am eager to enjoy our time as a family of four.

We’ve already started planning our next trip back - If I was brave enough to face the crowds maybe we’d go back this summer. But after seeing the number of hotels and motels crammed into that little town.... I think summer is a time I’d avoid. We’re thinking of heading back this fall, winter at the latest. I loved the hotel we stayed at (Great Wolf) but with so many options available to us we’ll probably try another hotel and water park next time. The only downside is how expensive everything is in the Dells - I was a little shocked at how much we spent for such a short trip so close to home, but it was worth it.

And even in the cold we were able to spend time outside of the resort, too. While eating out so much did little for my stomach, it was still nice. We make it a point to have dinner at the table every night at home, but sometimes it is rushed - it was nice to slow down.
Outside of the water park we took Caden to an indoor amusement park and he even got to ride
his first ride. And since we had an hour to kill before checking in we even made a little fertility related field trip to rub some African fertility statutes - as Steve said we might as well exhaust all of our options.

But the best part of it all, for me at least, was simply spending the time with my husband and son. Uninterrupted, outside of the responsibilities of daily life, just the three of us. We really can’t wait to go back. I love spending time with my two favorite guys. I love my family of three.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


My doctor called with the results of my Progesterone labs yesterday and I did ovulate - result was 10.4. My doctor considered this to be strong enough that she’d prefer that I stay on 50mg next cycle instead of increasing to 100mg. Unless, of course, I’m pregnant.

I’ve obsessed over symptoms and crossed my fingers and hoped all hopes... But all we can do is wait and see. I did test today and it was negative but then it could still be too early (I’m only 10dpo, AF isn’t due until Saturday).

I’m having little to no symptoms... Of anything.. And before my breasts were at least a little tender at this point no matter what. But nothing. Sadly I do not think that this was our month.

I knew it was too much to expect to be one of the lucky ones... To actually think that I’d get pregnant my first ovulatory cycle in 6 months... My first cycle on clomid.. But I did. So seeing that all too familiar single pink line this morning just hurt.

I’m not sure when I’ll test again. At one point I used to test non stop - but now the urge isn’t as strong. You’d think that after seeing so many, you’d get numb to the negative tests... That the pain might be dulled at least a little. Instead seeing them seems to hurt even more.

We’re leaving tomorrow - heading out of town for a few days and it probably couldn’t come at a better time. But I don’t want to hang a cloud over our trip so I’m going to try to hold out until Friday (13dpo) to test again. While my optimism is fading, I still have hope. We’re still holding our breaths and praying that I’m wrong, that come November we’ll be holding our second child.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Progesterone Draw

Today was my progesterone draw as I am now 7dpo. My temps and chart have been beautiful, rising steadily for the first 6 days. Of course this morning it dropped by 0.31 degrees and now I’m paranoid as all hell. I need to learn how to de-stress - so much for staying calm. The low temp is still well above cover line, and my cover line is a little high compared to my pre-o temps as is, but I’m still worried. I’m just crossing my fingers that my temp goes back up tomorrow - Of course the day I need the temp to be accurate is also the first day of day light savings so things are going to be a little screwy no matter what. Anyway...

Steve and Caden came with me this morning since we had a few errands to run afterwards. Caden got a little fussy as soon as Mommy left with out him and the woman drawing my blood smiled and made mention of how the little ones are always so happy to be with Daddy until Mommy left.
The woman was very nice - she seemed rushed and hurried at check-in, but seemed to slow down with me later. The actual process, from sitting down to leaving, took all of 90 seconds - Just long enough for her to ask me quietly “How long have you been trying?”. There was something about the tone in her voice and the way she asked... like she understood.... Like she was or had been in this position, too.

When I walked out Steve looked at me and said “already?!” And immediately my mind started to wander. 90 seconds to draw blood from me was damn quick. Impressively quick... Never done before. People normally have a hell of a time - The first nurse who drew labs for a CBCD when I had appendicitis was in tears after she couldn’t get blood from me. I told her not to worry, it was common, but I guess I ruined her 25 year streak. The only other time anyone has been able to get blood from me easily like that was when I was pregnant. Usually there is at least some checking around for veins. I forgot to drink anything but coffee so I thought for sure it would have been more difficult. Of course, there are several completely normal explanations...

1. Between my pregnancy, surgery, and infertility... I know which vein is the vein of choice - Off to the side of my right arm. Very rarely fails. Not the best vein and nurses always check for a better one, but its usually the best I have to offer. Last blood draw I guess that one was a little deflated as the nurse decided to give it a break but this time it was nice and plump and filled that little vial in record time.

2. That little vial! Usually there are several vials and today it was just the one.

3. If nothing else, maybe it was just that this woman was that good.

But even so my mind turned to maybe, just maybe, I have a bit more blood volume because, well... you know. Its too early for that so its not the case... But that doesn’t stop the obsessing.

In fact, right now I have no symptoms of anything. And I feel like expecting or even hoping to get pregnant on my first ovulatory cycle in so long is asking too much. But I do hope, I hope so very much.

But for now I’m just focusing on Monday, when the labs are in. Who knows, I could find out then this was all just a nasty cruel joke - but I’m hopeful for good news.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

3 days past.... ovulation?!

Last week I noticed some minor changes in my normally void cycles. CM increased, my face broke out.... My cycle failed so I assumed AF was on her way. I though to myself that at least AF showing on her own and in a timely fashion would be a step in the right direction. I didn’t give much thought to it, nothing more than maybe an outcome that would spare me the 10 days of Provera and the following wait.

Around 2:45pm on Friday it occurred to me that it was that time again... OPK time. The time of day we all just love, no? I had given up hope on the cycle but had the left over strips so wth. I did my thing and put some things away. I glanced at the test and to my surprise it was positive. Very positive. No question about it.

Several months ago I got what we assumed to be two positive OPKs. The lines were very close, I was 99% sure they were positive, but hesitant. I didn’t ovulate. Add into that the fact that I have PCOS and screwy LH, well, my relationship with OPKs is definitely lacking in the trust department.

There is no question about Friday’s test - it was positive. But I still didn’t (and possibly don’t) trust it. Once bitten twice shy and all that. Steve came home from work that evening.
“hey, check this out” I called
“Huh... That one is definitely positive”
“I know....”

And then we just stood there. Is it possible that our failed cycle could yet come though with a little egg? We both smiled at the thought but neither of us fully trusted it. I had a small amount of fertile CM, but not much. It just didn’t feel right. Or possible.

Saturday’s OPK was positive, too. Not as dark, but positive. I had clearly negative OPKs all cycle long... Why they were all of the sudden positive actually angered me a little bit. I had given up on this cycle, come to terms with the fact that 50mg failed to make me ovulate. I’d be starting Provera soon enough.... And now this? I mean if I actually ovulated great but all this felt like was false hope.

Sunday’s OPK was negative. Close, but negative. My temp did jump though.

Monday’s temp climbed a bit more, but I still didn’t trust it. I’ve had false CH in the past. I’ve had 2 days of temp rises followed by a crash.

And then Today... Well today it appears that my 6 month wait turned into a two week one. My temp climbed again and I am 3dpo. My dr is out of the office but will call me tomorrow and I assume at that point we’ll set up the progesterone draw to confirm. It better confirm - I’m going to shit if this turns out to be nothing more than a series of well timed coincidences.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up... I’m still expecting to wake up to plummeting temps or for that progesterone draw to come back negative. But for now I have hope. For now all signs - BBT, OPKs, Dried up CM, aching breasts.. All indicate that I did indeed ovulate. To have this hope taken away at this point would just hurt so much.

And then.... Do I even dare to dream I could be pregnant? That all the waiting and praying could pay off? I think that would be too much. Just releasing an egg at this point is a huge success. And it gives me so much hope for next cycle. Of course we BDed and did what we could... But I worry that the little CM I had wasn’t enough. I worry that something funky was at work. So for now I’m just happy I ovulated.

And if in two weeks I see two pink lines again..... Well then I really will be the happiest girl in the world.

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