It’s A.... (and we have a name, too!)

I guess its probably a good think I don’t have any sort of formal commitment to this blog - yet I still feel absolutely terrible about being so slow when it comes to update. Its not that I have nothing to say - at any moment I have a million thoughts running through my head - rants to post, moments to remember, whatever... Its the execution of actually sitting down and getting it out that I lack.

I’m 21 weeks pregnant, over the halfway mark and the next 19ish weeks are going to be over in the blink of an eye. They’d pass quickly as is but with fall, the holidays, etc mixed in there this baby is going to be here before we know it.

On the 18th we had our “big” ultrasound. The best news of the day was that our baby is healthy and all looks well - measuring right on track and estimated to weigh 12oz. We were also able to confirm that we are in fact having another little boy!!! We were running a little late to the appointment and while he was super active in the car, by the time we made it he was all tuckered out so we didn’t get a ton of good pics. We were able to see him in 3D in an attempt to get some better pics of his face and profile and while the pics are nice for 20 weeks, 3D ultrasounds this early, when baby is lacking fat, are pretty creepy. Even in creepy mode though he is still adorable of course! The newest pics of our little man, Parker Andrew, can be found by clicking here!!

After the ultrasound Steve and I had a really nice day together. My mom had Caden and we knew he’d rather play there than go shopping so it was just us for the first time in a long while. We bought clothes for winter and fall for both of the boys - I loved buying itty bitty baby items again. Because both of my babies will be January boys, we already have lots of seasonally appropriate clothes, but I want Parker to have his own - plus, its fun ;)

As for me I’m doing well! My next appointment is on the 1st - this is the point that I got sick with Caden so of course we’re all holding our breath a little. The good news is any swelling (and there has been extremely little) has been isolated and explained by lots of activity and heat. My weight gain is stead and is at 5-6lbs total. I had a dentist appt yesterday and they took my BP and it was a little high (135/86) which scared the hell out of me - but of course I was at the dentist. I grabbed some batteries for my BP monitor at home and have started to monitor myself. At home my BP has been in the low 120s/70s - this mornings reading was 114/67 - so my BP actually looks to be doing well.

As it turns out I have an anterior placenta this time - its located on the right side of my belly. Lucky for me, Parker loves to hang out on my left so I still feel him wiggle and kick move quite often. I don’t think its quite the frequency it was with caden as I can’t feel him when he is turned into or behind my placenta, but I feel him all throughout the day and I love it :) I can even see his larger kicks!! Today he gave me several good ones to the belly button, one was strong enough to move my hand.

..................

We’ve been in baby mode around here quite often and I love it. My energy seems to come in spurts and after the productivity of the last two weeks, I find myself lazing it up quite a bit this week. We finished our shelving project in the garage, finally finished the hall closet door (trim and hardware), bought all of Caden’s new furniture, picked everything up (well, mattress set and bed was delivered - dresser is on backorder but should be shipping next week), cleared out my scrap room and moved most if it downstairs, ordered Parker’s bedding, set up the crib... I still have a ton I need to do though and should probably start formulating a list - they seem to keep me on track. Every room needs organizing, especially Caden’s. The closet of Parker’s room still needs cleared out and I’m hoping to get some work done in there over labor day weekend. The house needs a nice deep cleaning, shopping, scrapping, Halloween, Christmas, 3rd Birthday... Lots to do and minimal time to do it.

I’m also hoping to set up some sort of maternity/family portraits, probably for the end of October. We also went ahead and booked another trip to the Dells the first week in October. When we took Caden there in March, I knew I wanted to take him at least one more time before a new baby came (that cycle had failed, so timeline was unsure). We’ll be taking both our boys up many times I know, but I wanted one more with just him. So thats what we’re doing! We’re going to be staying at the Kalahari this time :)


As stated we did get Caden's "big boy" bed and that is all set up. Once the dresser gets here we'll probably move things around a bit but for now it works and I like it. Caden loves his bed but its taken a few days (and getting up rather early) to get used to it. Things have gone extremely well so I'm not complaining! Dragon and Dog love their new bed, too :). I still find myself amazed at just how quickly he is growing. Seeing his crib set up in the other room again (its been a toddler bed for almost a year now) is crazy... I can't believe he has moved on, and soon there will be another little man sleeping in there. It seems like just yesterday Steve was setting up that bed while we anticiapted the arrival of our first... not that 3 years have actually passed.

Well, another long rambling update that went a million places. I really wanted to document my thoughts and emotions better this pregnancy and while I jot notes regularly in my pregnancy planner, its not the same. So I’m going to get some things done around this house, and make it my goal to update this journal with at least a few of those thoughts wandering about my mind on a much more regular basis. And I suppose a few belly pics are needed!

2nd Tri, NT scan, Still the happiest

Today I am 15 weeks pregnant with a healthy little peep and securely in my second trimester. While I am well aware that nothing is guaranteed, I'm feeling much more secure and positive and all I want to do is enjoy the last 5.5 months of my pregnancy to the fullest - There isn’t a Momma on Earth more happy than me. (And wow - can we really only have 5.5 months until we welcome this little one?

I know as I approach my 22/23rd week and beyond there is sure to be a little hesitation, watching in the mirror more, checking hands and feet, watching for weight increases and keeping an even closer eye on my BP - 22/23 weeks is when I developed Preeclampsia with Caden and began my 4 month stint on the couch. But I'm feeling good about things - Despite the PCOS and the +ANA and my already sluggish kidneys... I refuse to anticipate the same path. I haven't gained any weight yet (down 2 lbs) and while I'm sure to start gaining now, with Caden I was already packing on the pounds. I remember with my previous pregnancy my feet and lower legs would tingle if I stood too long... I can't remember when it started but so far so good. I do remember that by this point last time I couldn't wear both my engagement ring and wedding band comfortably at the same time, and by the end of the day it was very hard to get any ring I was wearing off. Currently I can wear both rings without issue. I just feel good, very good, and I am hoping that is an indication of the months to come. I do not want to be on bed rest for any length of time - We have so much planned for this fall - Apple picking and the pumpkin patch, Halloween parties and mommy and me classes, and hopefully a trip with Caden up to the Dells. I want to go out in public and show off my big round belly, I want a reason to wear cute maternity clothes and have fun with my son, and most of all I want no reason to sit up at 4am worrying... crying over a tiny sleeper in a soon to be nursery.

::::::::::

Just about 2 weeks ago Steve and I found ourselves at the hospital in the office of our High Risk OBs for our NT scan. Despite the common reason of "I wouldn't abort so I don't get screenings"... We wouldn't abort so we DID get the screening - to prepare, to ensure our child the best possible outcome.... but thats a post for another day. Anyway...

Beyond the test it was nice to sit down and talk with one of my all time favorite Doctors, Dr. K. We saw him every month or so in addition to my regular doctors for the 2nd half of my pregnancy with Caden and he was awesome.

First up was the ultrasound portion and blood prick...
It was amazing to see our baby now, at 13 weeks... His/her tiny little arms and hands, swimming and kicking and flipping around. If it were up to me I would have laid there for hours watching him/her. At the end we did take a look between baby's legs and have an early guess, but it really is much too early to say for sure and we're trying not to get attached to the idea, though we kind of already have.
My risk for Downs Syndrome based on Age alone (I'm 26, 27 in August) was 1/898. After blood and ultrasound, that risk is now 1/2692. Age alone risk for Trisomy 13 & 18 was 1/1741. My risk is 1/34,801 - So, normal results - screen negative.

We sat down with Dr. K afterwards and talked mainly about my previous pregnancy, current diagnosis, and where that leads us now. He started me on Baby Aspirin again and now we just wait and see. We also talked about my baseline 24hr urine being a little high and coupled with the ANA it is something we need to start keeping an eye on. Dr. K gave me the name of a doctor he likes and about 3-4 months after I have the baby I need to start getting regular checkups. He said its nothing to be alarmed about right now, maybe it will develop into something, maybe not... maybe 5 years from now, maybe 10.... but this way we'll catch anything that may develop early and have a plan in place.
We'll also be going back to Dr. K on September 3rd (22 weeks) for a heart study - Nothing to indicated anything wrong with the baby (heart looked great) but my little brother has a heart condition and while I do not believe it is genetic, Dr. K wants to be on the safe side.

::::::::::

Last week was another prenatal appointment with my main OBs. Again everything was normal - baby's HR in the 160s, down 2 lbs, urine and BP looked good, etc. We chatted a bit and set up my next round of appointments - Another routine OB appt on August 4th and the "big" ultrasound on August 18th.

We decided to go ahead and discontinue use of Metformin as we were now in the 2nd trimester. The benefit regarding miscarriage is no longer applicable and any further benefit to continue the drug is still unclear. My dr decided to further research continued use of the drug and I did my own - from the talk on boards I assumed I'd find undisputable evidence to continue the drug and I did not. I found many articles supporting continued use... but then I found many articles that showed no significant results. In the end we decided, and I agree, its best for me to go off the drug.

I'm excited about this... we're weaning off and now I'm down to my last week at 500mg (was at 1500). I'm excited not to have to remember pills, I'm excited at the prospect of being "normal" again, though I know that really isn't true. And I don't want to be putting drugs in my body if there is no reason to.

I was feeling calm and relaxed... Until I was told the story of so and so who stopped met and lost a baby in the 2nd tri which started the anxiety gears in motion. I know that is still a risk regardless, but there is no indication the metformin will prevent it. Even so I didn't want to risk another month of anxiety waiting for my next appt to know the baby is okay so Steve and I decided to rent a doppler. I have had my doppler 3 days now and outside of the urge to lay around listening to my baby all day, I love having it. I want to limit my use of the doppler and I plan on sending it back once I can feel the baby regularly (I figure a month or two)but its nice to know that if the anxiety starts to creep in, I can lay down and know things are okay. I love hearing that perfect sound.

::::::::::

I suppose I really should update more - I doubt anyone has actually read to this point, but then again I want to document as much as possible for my sake (probably should update my organizer!).

I'm feeling great - "morning" sickness is gone which has me pleased as can be. Still have heartburn and still a bit more sleepy than normal, but even my energy is starting to return. I've felt a few flutters, but nothing too strong yet and I'm still very much anticipating that first big kick. We've started doing a little more shopping for the baby and I find myself daydreaming of him/her on a regular basis.

Caden is doing well and is so much fun... the fits still come but even those are less frequent and not quite the same intensity. We start toddler swim lessons tomorrow and Caden is so excited. He is such an amazing little man.

Right Side Up

I’m 12 weeks 3 days pregnant today.... And I feel pretty damn good. I’m happy - I’ve always been happy with my life, minus the infertility aspect, but now all the pieces seem to fit and I am just happy. With everything. I’m blessed to have a beautiful little boy who is just so funny - who loves to shower you with kisses and hugs and charms everyone he meets (ask his new girlfriend at the maternity store) - though he can still throw an impressive fit. I’m bless to have a supportive, caring husband who is a terrific father, to have a wonderful family, a home, a baby on the way... I think a new blog background is needed... My life, or any aspect of it, doesn’t feel quite so upside down.

Two weeks ago we had our 2nd OB appointment and at 10 weeks we were able to hear the baby’s heartbeat by Doppler. S/he was snuggled up behind one of my blood vessels so we were hearing both the baby and me at the same time - HR was in the 160s.

I’m feeling a lot better - The exhaustion still hits and the super laziness is still around, but the “morning” sickness seems to be getting better - it still comes and goes but not nearly as bad. I can’t really remember what my sickness was like during Caden’s pregnancy but I do think it was much worse this time, including several occasions of getting physically sick (never threw up with Caden). But its passing, the first trimester is passing, and it could have been much worse. The heartburn I could most definitely live without though, ugh. Other then a day or two very early on, and maybe an occasion or two toward the end, I don’t remember having any heartburn with Caden. This time even water gives me heartburn. But overall its a small price to pay.

On the 30th we have the NT scan - I debated and stressed over this just as I did with the quad result with Caden. In the end, I decided to go ahead with the testing. We aren’t doing it so we have the option to terminate - but I don’t think most people go into these screens thinking such. We’re doing this so we can be prepared mentally and medically for a special needs child if that is what is in our future. And by medically I mean check for other defects that are common with some chromosomal abnormalities, such as heart defects, and prepare for them. But most of all I’m doing this for piece of mind - and I so hope that is what we are left with in a week.
I thought about skipping the test... Skipping the anxiety... But really all that would do is delay the anxiety. I worried that as my due date drew closer or during delivery or those moments after birth would be tarnished by the thought of “is my baby okay”. But to be perfectly honest I wish this test was a decision never placed in my hands to make.

The day after our NT scan ,a week from today, July 1, 2009... I’ll enter the 2nd trimester. In so many ways I cannot believe how quickly this pregnancy is progressing.... But in so many more I can’t wait to make it there.

I find myself allowing my mind to drift to our future as a family of 4 more often these days. We talk about the baby, or “baby peep” (given the baby’s conception being the night before/day of Easter), regularly. Kid has become kids, and I look at Caden’s baby pics and smile a second time knowing that soon we’ll have another chubby cheeked little one cooing and giggling in our arms. We browse baby aisles and talk about what is needed and what is not. I pat my belly which has started to round out and pop a bit and smile. We toss out names in passing and day dream about winter, about next summer, about forever.

I still find myself holding my breath as I wait for July 1st... But on occasion, and happening more and more these days, I allow myself to breath and it is all just so perfect.

Long time, no blog...

When I started this blog I thought for sure I’d keep up with it more than I had in the past... I had a goal, something to work toward, and a lot on my mind. When that didn’t happen I thought for sure when I got pregnant that would be it... Now I would really be able to keep up... Again, that hasn’t quite happened.

I suppose a lot of this has to do with the time of year - I just haven’t been online much in general and I haven’t had much desire to be. On days that morning sickness is at its worst, the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen... And with all the beautiful weather we’ve been having on the days morning sickness isn’t too bad, the last thing I want to do is be stuck inside and stare at a computer screen.

The good news is that we have got a lot done. For a while now we have wanted to start a real veggie garden with a raised bed.. We finally got around to that. Thanks to the help of my awesome mom we got the bed done yesterday. Steve and I filled it with dirt last night and bought our plants and in a few minutes here Caden and I will head outside to get things planted. Beyond that I still need to plant flowers in one of the beds out front and mulch the other two. I also want to plant some flowers in containers out back and I want to make another bed along the back of the house. In addition to cleaning out the pond and getting that going, I think these things will be our focus this weekend.

In addition to our yard, there is so much I want to get done around the house, too. We need to work on cleaning out and organizing the basement so that I can start moving and setting up my craft space down there. We need to start Caden’s “big boy” room, too. We’ve started collecting some things and hope to shop for the rest of the furniture and big items in a few weeks. I want to change the closet and interior door’s in the baby’s room (and the rest of the house, one down so far) and I still need to trim the door we have replaced. Then there is normal cleaning and upkeep around here....

Add into that my desire to at least catch up on Caden’s scrapbook and work on a few other crafts and well.... Makes for a very busy me.

............

As for my pregnancy - so far things are going great! For the most part I feel pretty good - Morning sickness seems to come in waves and some days are definitely worse than others. Staying active and up and about seems to really help with how sick I feel. I threw up a few times a week or so ago but nothing since... Just lots of nausea but I’ve also been on the go just about constantly. Of course when I’m feeling good I’m worried that it means there is something wrong and then when the nausea hits again I wonder why I was crazy for wishing it back... Its a vicious cycle but well worth it. I seem to feel the worst around meals - Perhaps its the food or that I let myself get too hungry.. But so far I haven’t found a way around this one. I definitely have no complaints though - everything could be much worse and I am just feeling so blessed to be here.

Before I got pregnant I was a little worried about exhaustion but it isn’t nearly as bad as it was with Caden. With him I was early to bed, early to rise and now its just the opposite. I think dealing with the exhaustion of PCOS in addition to having a toddler keeping me on my toes has helped. I can usually force myself to stay up until 11:30 if I must, but have been going to bed around 10:30pm on average. This was unheard of with Caden but I think this is a change in lifestyle... Post bed time is mommy time and I’m not ready to give that up! Afternoon naps are pretty common but then there are days, such as yesterday, I skip those too. It all depends on what I have to do. Things are definitely different this time around... And I think that has more to do with being responsible for an adorable little man more than anything.

Other symptoms include the usual - my breasts aren’t tender but they never were with Caden either. However, they have increased in size. Pregnancy dreams are in full force and they are pretty crazy - and constant bathroom breaks are common. I don’t usually notice them unless we’re out or I’m trying to watch a movie or something, and in the middle of the night which gets annoying. A little bit of heartburn here and there and a lot of food aversions.. Fun mood swings and a bit more emotional..... And thats about it.

I wish I could say the anxiety has gone but I still worry.. A lot. It has improved greatly, but I still have yet to fully settle into things. I still don’t *feel* pregnant but then I never really did with Caden, either. I keep saying that after the next appt I’ll feel better, and it helps, but not completely. My next appt isn’t until June 9th - I’ll be 10 weeks and hopefully we’ll hear the heartbeat by Doppler. I can’t wait.

I have calmed down a lot from weeks prior at least... Ever since our ultrasound. I immediately update my various preg groups but am a bit ashamed I never posted here...

............

Our first ultrasound was last week on May 12th. I started this entry with a photo of our beautiful little baby because that was what was most important, even though I saved the best for last. Steve took the day off work since the appt was at 10:30am. We dropped Caden off at my Mom’s and headed in. I was so nervous - excited, but so very nervous.

Linda (the sonographer) greeted us with a big smile and mentioned how happy she was to see my name for an OB ultrasound. We went into the room and got situated and then she turned the machine on. I immediately asked if there was a baby and she said to just hold on and turned the screen to me...
“there is the gestational sac....” to which my mind flashed to there only being a gestational sac and I blurted out “is there no heartbeat?!” Linda was clearly interrupted and simply asked “Now didn’t you see that little flicker?” A flicker? There was a flicker? I knew what a flicker meant and immediately all was right in my world. Steve squeezed my hand and Linda zoomed in... And there it was, clear as day.. Our beautiful little baby’s heart beating strongly at 122 bpm. With the exception of method for viewing, I could have sat there watching that little heart beating away all day.

The baby measured right on track. I had a large-ish cyst on my left ovary which is suspected to be a corpus luteum cyst and the source of our little one. Before all was done we got to check in on him/her one more time. S/he might only have been a little blob on a computer screen, but I could help but fall in love.

After the ultrasound we sat down with my doctor. She went over my labs and everything looked great except my 24 hour urine collection... It was within normal range but a little higher (low 200s) than what is she wanted to see. She said it might be worth re-checking after I have the baby (it is not currently a pregnancy issue) and it might warrant a further look into my kidney function, but she doesn’t think there is really anything to be done right now since it is still in normal range.

After the appointment Steve and I headed to Borders to buy a pregnancy journal (ended up with 2!) and then we stopped off to buy the baby a gift as we did after Caden’s first appointment. This time we bought him/her 2 cute little sleepers and we bought big brother Caden some jammies, too. We then had a nice lunch before picking up the little man. It was a perfect day and we now have our little one’s first picture proudly displayed - I can’t wait to see (and meet!) him/her again.

.........

I think this entry has ended up long enough... I suppose that is what happens when you don’t update for a while. I want to make it a point to write more often as this is probably the best way I have to chronicle all of this right now, but at the same time I’m enjoying time away from the computer with my favorite two guys.... So we’ll see... ;)For now I have some veggies to plant...

Firsts for the second time

From 571 to 1226, doubling time of 39.91 hours. Everything is fine.

I asked if I should be concerned about that 571 number and my doctor assured me that I did not have to be. She said that it could have simply been one slow day - since we hadn’t checked betas in 6 days, who knows what happened. She seems to think the beta that tripled was off. She explained how the labs were done and how an error could be made... That no test is 100% and based on my first beta the 571 number was perfect. She emphasized over and over that the one single beta doesn’t matter, there is nothing she has seen to suggest a miscarriage, and that even though that 571 beta was lower than what I was expecting.. It was still within normal range and everything is progressing nicely.

Thats not to say that something couldn’t still happen... It could. And I’m still very guarded over this pregnancy... But I’m going to focus on being happy. I’m going to focus on enjoying this pregnancy. Steve and I worked hard to get here and I need to believe that we will be holding out second child on our arms in 35 short weeks. I cannot focus on the bad “what ifs”, I will not focus on them. I am pregnant and so very happy to be.
..........

As of Wednesday, April 29th, Steve and I have been married three years. It feels like we have always been together - those months, years spent planning our wedding seem so far away now.... But at the same time its catches me a bit by surprise that 3 years have come and gone since that amazing, perfect day. Three years ago today we were soaking up the sun on a beautiful beach in the Mexican Rivera at an amazing hotel and the most beautiful suite on the perfect honeymoon. Three years ago this week we conceived our beautiful little boy. And now, three years later, we eagerly look forward to the birth of our second child and to all the future has in store for us.
..........

My first OB appointment was on Wednesday. It was so exciting and I had written all about it, but when I thought all this was being ripped away from me I deleted it and simply prayed for it all to be okay.

Sitting in the waiting room that morning, waiting for my name to be called, if only for those minutes the reality that I was finally pregnant began to set in. The woman at the front desk (my favorite in the office) greeted me with a huge smile and a congratulations when I first stepped up to check in. I love that three years later everyone in my doctor’s office is still there. Everyone is so sweet and after my last pregnancy, probably since I was there so much (weekly at 23 wks, twice a week at 33), I kind of missed them - not going to the doctor just felt weird.... Well, for all of a day.
I smiled when I saw my chart was blue (for obstetrics) again.... I sat in my char and browsed through the pregnancy magazines and articles instead of looking to the ground. I was just so very happy.

My name was called and the routine was still so familiar... Weight, sample, blood pressure. Every time I go to my Obgyn my blood pressure is always high... White coat effect or whatever. At home and at every other doctor it is always fine. But sitting in that chair, remembering all those bad numbers, the fear... My heart would start to race and my BP would shoot up. Not terribly high, but higher than normal. But that day? The racing heart was gone and my BP was a beautiful 108/70.

I sat down with the nurse in the exam room and went over history, medications, etc. She gave me a huge bag filled with goodies and information on tests, pregnancy in general, breastfeeding, etc. We briefly went over each item - some of it was the same as with Caden, some was new.

My doctor came in next, excited as well. We talked and she answered any questions I had. Discussed my previous complications and what it meant for this pregnancy. I was reacquainted with my good friends little brown jug and pee hat - I need to do a 24 hour urine collection in order to establish baseline. Hopefully it will be the only one I need to do this pregnancy.

I signed the release form for my VBAC.. I will say that document makes VBAC sound pretty scary even to someone who has researched it. My doctor agreed that the wording was pretty harsh but assuming that I have a normal, healthy pregnancy and we don’t face the problems we did with Caden... It will be fine. Obviously if something goes wrong and I need to deliver early they won’t induce like they did last time, but otherwise she said they will monitor me during labor and things will be fine.

After my appointment it was off to the hospital for labs.. Up to 9 vials for this pregnancy. The standard tests were run and then my OB also did an eclampsia panel just for baseline again and everything was normal.

Our next appointment is set for May 12th at 10:30am. Steve took the entire day off and we are so excited - praying to see our baby’s heartbeat.

Not good news.

My first appointment was yesterday and it seems like it will most likely have been the last for this pregnancy.

I asked for a beta - had the numbers since the 2nd doubled, the result should have been around 900. Instead it was only 571.

There is still a chance my doctor says... Maybe the 2nd beta was off since it tripled, we‘re still on track based on the first one. Maybe we lost a twin.. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I’m going to do another beta tomorrow morning and my doctor should have the results quickly. I’m begging that it will be okay... But it hurts so much.

Please don’t let me lose this baby. I know what is done is already done... I know. But I don’t think I can take it.

And so I sit...

My 2nd beta was in last Friday and the numbers looked great... From 33 @ 10dpo to 114 @ 12dpo, so it tripled. Today I’m 17dpo and officially late (clomid pushed my LP out a day or two) and I really thought I’d feel more excited about this pregnancy at this point, but I’m not. I have very few symptoms and the few that I have come and go. I try to remind myself that its just early... And it is. Morning sickness shouldn’t really set in for another week or two, or anything else really. I am getting sleepy more easily but nothing like what I remember with Caden. But again I remind myself that with Caden, I didn’t even think to test (and find out I was pregnant) until I was 4 weeks, 4 days. I’m 4 weeks, 3 days today.

I keep testing and I knew I should have stopped because today’s test was a hair shade lighter than yesterdays. Not much and the line was thicker than and still dark, but now that has me freaked out, too. I knew it was bound to happen when you’ve taken 15 stupid tests... But that doesn’t make me feel better. Last night was my first middle of the night bathroom break, too, so I try to tell myself that maybe that has something to do with it.... But that doesn’t help either. This was supposed to be my last one but I’m going to take my last test tomorrow morning before my appointment - if its lighter still then I’ll ask my doctor for another beta. I’ve googled and I know a single slightly lighter test is nothing to worry about - I’m not spotting and I’m not cramping, well, anything more than the occasional, normal, light cramps that are to be expected. I just wish I didn’t take that stupid test.

I guess in a lot of ways I’m just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve seen things go wrong for too many people - with PCOS and without. I don’t want to and I pray that I don’t have to experience that. I think the thing that annoys me most is that I wasn’t like this at all with Caden. I remember mentioning to Steve when we found out that “Its early, anything can happen” but that was it.. That was the last mention of it. Now I feel hesitant to really settle into this, to really enjoy it. I’m so afraid of losing this - I just want to sit back, enjoy my pregnancy, and welcome a beautiful little baby into this world come January.

I thought I’d feel better once I got those betas back, and I did.... A little. Then I thought I’d feel better when I was late... And yesterday I did - at least a bit. And now I’m back to freaking out and I know its because that stupid freaking test that is meaningless. I could just kick myself right now. I want symptoms, I want reassurance. I want to know that everything will be okay.

When I’m not sitting here silently freaking out Steve and I are so very happy. We smile about what the future has in store and cannot wait to meet this little baby. I just hate the anxiety, the unknown.

I promise, after tomorrow no more tests! (I won’t have anymore, anyway) and I’ll stop freaking out. I’m really hoping for a darker line because I do not want to have to go through the hell of waiting for the results of another beta.