Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Merry Christmas! Only almost a week late...

I consider it a good thing that it has taken me so long to sit down and write out this post. I’ve been busy and we had a fantastic Christmas and hope any (and every) one else reading this did as well.

The days before Christmas were busy getting the house cleaned, presents finished and wrapped, cookies baked... Christmas eve we spent the evening at my Mom’s and that was really nice. Christmas morning we opened presents here at home and got to enjoy a relaxing time this year - no quick showers and out the door! Of course I thought the day would be a little more relaxing than it was but between getting the Christmas morning mess cleaned up and dinner cooked, it wasn’t so much. My in-laws came over for dinner and the food turned out yummy though the turkey did take longer to cook than I expected. Everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts we got them and everyone here, especially Caden, was quite spoiled.

The days following involved putting together lots of toys and I started to take down the Christmas decorations - everything but the tree and outside lights. Unfortunately everyone here ended up sick, Steve the worst of us, but it was still a nice weekend.

We had a really wonderful holiday and now I’m kind of sad its all over. No more Christmas music to dance around the living room with Caden, no more presents to wrap or cookies to decorate, and in a day or two our tree will come down and it will be time to hunker down for the next few months of cold, grey, and dark. As crazy as it sounds I’m already looking forward to next Christmas, I’m just hoping it will work out as this one did in terms of not having to drive all over, though we didn’t please everyone and I wish we could have.

The house is clean once again and toys and new goodies have found their place in our house. I have a two of my gifts I still need to assemble and put away but other than that, not too bad.
I can’t believe its already new year’s eve... The final hours of 2008 are ticking down, another year gone. 2008 most definitely didn’t turn out to be the year I expected it to be, but thats another entry sure to come in the next day or two.

On the fertility end of things, there may or may not be news to report but there is definitely a post obsessing soon to come....
For now I need to get the house tidied from the mornings play while Caden is still napping...

Friday, December 19, 2008


Thunder snow woke me up this morning - it was a huge crash resulting in one freaked out fat cat hauling ass through the house and under my bed, the 2nd cat soon following.. At least the 3rd kitty, the beagle, and the boy didn’t seem to care. But I sat straight up and got out of bed and looked out the window without temping, oops. I’m only on CD 6 so its not like it really matters anyway.

I’m up to my full dose on Met now and so far so good. I do feel a little queasy from time to time but I really can’t complain and am okay with how I feel on it. It really has killed my appetite though, especially in the afternoon. I’m not sure if its the meds or just how busy I’ve been the past few days, but I’ll get hungry mid morning and have a quick snack (I rarely eat breakfast) and then usually around 3pm I’ll realize I haven’t really ate and force myself to choke something down. Today it was half a bowl of cheerios. Evenings are much better though and I am eating, no worries there.

AF is all but gone, a day or so sooner than on a normal, non induced cycle. The crazy thing is I’m kind of upset to see her go. I mean, I can understand missing AF - When she doesn’t come around when she ought to, its frustrating. When she doesn’t come around because your body isn’t working properly, it just sucks. But even then I was always glad when it was over, new cycle, new hope, no period.. So what the hell is going on here? Why am I sad to see her go? After all, periods suck.

I definitely don’t want another two week long period like I have had once before, so its not the actual ending in 6 days that has me iffy.. Its what comes next. I’m afraid to go on and have another anovulatory cycle, which all things considered, is the most likely outcome for this cycle. Beyond that I’m afraid that my next cycle will be anovulatory and we’ll move onto clomid. And it isn’t the possibility of clomid that has me apprehensive, but the possibility that clomid won’t work either. Because thats our only hope at this point. These medications are our only shot.

We have no infertility coverage on our insurance so we can’t move onto injectables or IUIs or IVFs. They are not an option. We could actually probably cover some of those expenses out of pocket but with the economy and who knows what the hell might happen between now and then - I can’t jeopardize my family’s financial stability, my son’s... We’re not in a place I’d feel comfortable doing that at this point. But that is really a bridge to cross when we come to it - things could change, the economy could be fairing better, we could win the lottery.... Crazier things have happened, right? But to say that the knowledge that these meds are our only real hope at this current point and time is on my mind is an understatement.

I still have hope, and I do believe we will be pregnant soon... But moving on, actually being back to the point of TTC brings back all those old familiar fears. And I worry that the bliss of waiting and hope will be gone completely in a few weeks when I haven’t ovulated yet again, even though I don’t really expect that I will ovulate this cycle.

The good in this at least is in the timing. I have so much going on that my mind is, for the most part, distracted from my ovaries and empty uterus. The next week is filled with prepping for Christmas, Steve is home the 3 days following so I’m excited to spend the time with my boys, the next week is another short week for new years and will be spent playing with Christmas presents, cleaning, putting together toys, taking down Christmas decorations, etc. Beyond that is planning Caden’s birthday party - though not as involved as Christmas, its something to do. By the time that is over we’ll either know how the Metformin is working or be starting clomid, so I’m hoping this all keeps the obsessive thoughts away.

I guess all I can do at this point is cross my fingers and see what happens. I suppose I should restock my opks.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


As I browse and post on message boards I see blinkies and banners declaring that Secondary Infertility hurts, too. And it does. It hurts a lot and no matter how many children you have, not being able to have another one when you and your partner so want it is going to hurt.

I can’t compare the pain of secondary to primary infertility because I’ve never walked in those shoes - Caden was conceived without issue, a surprise really. And I can’t say that one pain is worse than the other, though I do have my suspicious. I can say that secondary infertility is painful. Knowing my body doesn’t work the way it should, knowing that I might not be able to give my husband another child or make my little boy a big brother, the fact that I might not ever get to hold and nurse another baby, it all punches me in the stomach in a way I never imagined every time it pops into my head. I have hope that isn’t the case and I’m trying to be optimistic but even the hurdles we must overcome hurt. The row of prescription bottles lined up in my medicine cabinet, the medical bills, being up at 1am sick because of the medication (felling fine now though, woo!)... Its all a reminder and every single bit of it stabs at me. I try to find logic and reason as to why we’re faced with this while drug addicts, shitty neglectful parents, murders and the general ass holes of life can reproduce without blinking an eye, but there is no logic, no reason, no fairness.

That being said... I cannot even imagine, and I am so incredibly thankful that I don’t have to, going though this alone. And by alone I don’t refer to my husband - It doesn't really need to be said that I have his support and love and I am quite lucky to have the wonderful man that I do - who is even willing to climb out of bed at 1:30am and hunt down lotion for my dry feet because I feel too shitty to move.. But by alone I mean I don’t know how I would manage though this without my son.

Of course I don’t have someone to talk to or direct support through the 23 month old ball of energy spinning around my life... But when he runs down a hall, arms outstretched and thrilled to bits all over the prospect of a hug, a kiss, and a cuddle... Everything bad in the world simply melts away, if even only for a few minutes. His bright smile and personality never allow me to wallow for long, and looking into his big beautiful eyes, my eyes, never ceases to amaze me.

I get to tuck him in every night and check on him a hundred times more. He sits in the cart and we talk and laugh as we move about the grocery store. We get to celebrate Christmas with him and snuggle up with books, teach him new things and learn so much more from him. I have thousands of pictures and thousands more memories and I have tomorrow with him. I have a child. I have a beautiful little boy who is my world. And fertile or not, I don’t know what I’d do without him. I might not have the round belly I expected to have this Christmas and the next time I’m at my OB’s office might not be because I’m pregnant, but I have a perfect little boy, an amazing husband, and a wonderful family who never let me slip too far.

Caden will always know he is loved and he will always know just how much he means to Steve and I. We will always be grateful to be blessed with him in our lives. And one day soon he will sit with his little brother or sister and he will be oblivious to just how grounded he kept me through this. That he was my hope... That he was my reason everything would be okay, even if it is not.

To those still trying for their first, my heart goes out to you. I cannot pretend to understand where you are and I cannot pretend to understand how it feels to require more than just where I am now, or to try for years without success. But I can tell you that every obstacle, every hoop to jump though and shit storm to survive is worth it when you reach that goal, your child, and I pray you do.

And I know that the same holds true for our next child. And I know that one day my husband I will sit and watch our children play. And even when the fun turns to tears and fighting and the moment is all but ruined... It is all worth it in the end.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Well, that was quick

Saturday was my last day of Provera - I was hoping AF would arrive quickly but was hesitant as I’ve read it can take up to 10 days after the last pill for her to show. Most of Friday, while still on the Provera, I felt very AFish, crampy, moody, something going on down there for sure. Then, as AF always does, a relative was sent to trumpet her arrival via a wonderfully placed pimple upon my cheek. Hmm, I thought. Sure enough I started spotting. The spotting was light and gone by morning so I took my last pill and spent the rest of the day cramping and spotting, knowing she was knocking on the door.

As I suspected, late this morning AF arrived and so begins a new cycle. CD 1. For so long I dreaded the first day, but considering AF doesn’t visit as much as she used to, and all things considered, I find myself excited. I’m not looking forward to the cramps tomorrow is sure to bring but I’m interested to see where this cycle takes us.

I’m afraid to say it for fear of the almighty jinx, but I have hope for this cycle. Mostly because I’ve never gone three consecutive cycles without ovulating, so I’m hoping that regardless of medications I might be up to release an egg anyway. And of course I’m hopeful that the provera and “fresh start” might have done something, or even the short time I’ve been on Metformin.
Of course I’m hesitant, too. I’ve never gone three consecutive cycles, but then I’ve only been having these crazy cycles for 10 months... Anything can happen. Furthermore, I’ve only been on met for a week and a half and am not even to my full dose. So the meds are, in my mind at least, unlikely to have much of an affect at this point.

And then, of course, I worry. What if I do ovulate this cycle, we don’t catch the egg, and ovulation was random and not a result of the metformin. I worry that might mask the effectiveness of the drug leading us not to begin clomid in February when it may really be needed. Of course if I do ovulate this cycle it should give enough time to show if the next cycle will (or will not be) ovulatory as well before my February appointment.

My biggest hope for this cycle, beyond ovulation and a resulting successful pregnancy of course, is that I don’t obsess as I have in the past. The wondering if I’m going to ovulate, what’s wrong, why is my body doing this, was terrible. Most days I couldn’t get it out of my mind and I don’t want to end up back in that place. I’m hoping that now that I have a diagnosis and we’re in the process of correcting these issues I’ll be able to have a more laid back approach. It also helps that I have a refill on my provera prescription in the event of another anovulatory cycle. A simple trip to the pharmacy is all it will take instead of waiting and obsessing and wondering when the hell AF might decide to show.

The next few weeks are quite eventful, and that should keep my mind off of things to a certain degree as well. I have lots to do in preparation for the holidays, meals to cook, cookies to bake, presents to wrap, a few to finish, gatherings to attend.... Following will be the assembling of toys, cleaning of messes, and putting away the decorations. I’ve also been scrapping/crafting more again and that has helped keep my mind off of things.

I’m happy that we’ve had this charting/opk/ttc break as I expect that to help as well. A fresh start and new hope for this cycle... And perhaps new life in the new year.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Waking Up

I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the Met or perhaps its just the season but I’ve been getting a lot done the past few days.

Every since having Caden I’ve been so exhausted in the afternoons. Every since my surgery this has been so much worse. My exhaustion wasn’t to the point of being crabby or a little sleepy but instead was to the point of being unable to function. I tried everything from exercising during that time to holding off on lunch until the afternoon hours... Nothing worked.

By 3pm I was always falling asleep, sitting up if such was the case, and then waking up 30 to 60 minutes later when Caden woke up, always feeing like I had just been hit by a truck. I then stumbled around for the next several hours until I finally woke up just in time for bed.
I tried not taking the nap, keeping myself busy and not sitting down... Instead I still just felt like I had hit by a truck and stumbled around in a haze for the afternoon and early evening.

For the past several days I still find myself getting drowsy in the afternoons, but not to the extent I was before. Instead of needing to sit or lay down I’m able to keep going and get things done. While I might be a little drowsy, I am able to function and in turn I feel so good. Being that tired was so hard, to feel that bad was terrible. I worry that it will come back and I’m sure it will, but for now I’m enjoying this chance to get things done.

So what have I done with these new found hours? Nothing terribly exciting, well, not to most.
Yesterday I managed to rearrange Caden’s room and get that cleaned up in an attempt to make way for the new round of goodies that will come on Santa’s sleigh in just a few weeks - I still need to go though toys and clothes do decide what needs to be donated and what needs to be packed away.

I’ve also been taking care of our Christmas preparations... Wednesday we took Caden to see Santa and I just need to pick up two more presents and then my shopping is done. Wrapping is almost done as well which just leaves stockings for Steve and Caden, Stockings for the kitties and Ellie, plan and bake cookies, plan Christmas dinner, and finish up the few homemade gifts we’re doing this year.

This weekend I hope to accomplish most on my Christmas to do list as well as hopefully get some scrapping in and possibly work on planning Caden’s 2nd birthday party. Tomorrow Daddy and Pook are heading out to finish up their Christmas shopping and then on Sunday afternoon Caden is going with Grandma to a Christmas party (and he’ll get to see Santa again!) So I’ll have some time to myself.

It definitely feels good to be getting things done, to have energy, to feel somewhat back to myself.

Speaking of Metformin, I increased my dose on Wednesday and so far have felt fine. I did get a bit queasy for a few minutes yesterday afternoon, but it was short lived and nothing terrible. So far, so good! Hopefully my cycles will respond as well as my lack of side effects has me feeling.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

And We Wait...

In a lot of ways I’m enjoying this little TTC break we’re on... But this morning I find myself eager to start trying again.

It has been nice not to have that little voice in my head constantly wondering if I might actually ovulate, analyzing every twitch, thinking that if I ovulate this week we might have a chance, there is still a chance at an ovulatory cycle... Then in the case where all signs pointed to ovulation, wondering if I really did when I knew I didn’t. Other than thinking to take all of my pills, I haven’t really thought about trying much at all. I’ve thought about our next baby and all the things to get done, what a great big brother Caden will be, what it will be like to get my positive hpt.
I’ve tried to imagine what it would be like to get that positive hpt for months... But I never quite felt that it was possible. I never really felt like I was going to see two lines on that test. I’m hoping that once we start trying again, I might be able to imagine it.

Despite having lived through nine months of pregnancy, its so hard to remember what that was like. I am so excited to do it all again, though I do worry about the possibility of complications as I had last time. Even so, I can’t wait. I remember lying in bed at night with my hands on my belly - I had terrible insomnia so I’d just sit and feel Caden move and wiggle. He was such an active baby - I felt him move early and he never really stopped. Kick counts say six movements per hour, but it never took more than 20 minutes to get to that number. There were a few points early on where he wouldn’t move quite so much, but those were few and far between. I can’t wait to do it all again. I can’t wait to give birth, to nurse our next baby, to experience all those firsts again, and with my first baby at my side experiencing them, too.

I wonder if I’ll be excited when my next cycle begins or if I’ll be obsessive. I hope not to the later. The truth is I already am considering my next cycle to be a bust - Depending on when AF starts after I finish the Provera I’ll have just started at my full dose of Metformin, or I might still be at 2/3. Of course I still have hope, but I have higher ones for my next cycle.

But for now it has just been nice to think about other things. I’ve thought more about Christmas and Caden’s party, I’ve finished a few projects around the house, and I got a few more pages done in Caden’s scrapbook. Of course everything going on still sits in a cozy spot toward the back of my mind, still in view but out of the way... But its been nice to have this break.

Four more pills, four more days of Provera and then hopefully quickly onto the next cycle. Tomorrow I increase my Met.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Passing Time, Thinking Too Much

As far as the Metformin goes, so far - so good! No super nasty side effects though I did get queasy two evenings. But really I can’t complain, it wasn’t too bad. I hope when I add the 2nd pill on Wednesday things continue on this way.

I haven’t had any side effects from the Provera, either. My CM changed, which I suspect is normal, though now I’m worried that what if I am pregnant? I still highly doubt that, I had no indications of ovulation let alone pregnancy but its still something I find myself wondering about. I know I’m not, but I guess thats just who I am... Needing to worry about something. I did test prior to starting and it was negative... Maybe I’ll use one of my cheapies and test again tomorrow just to put my mind at ease. I really don’t want to waste another one of my good tests but then I really don’t want to risk dealing with a sneaky evap that seem to always show up on the ICs. Really I should just let it rest but I know it would be better to put my mind at ease. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off.


Last night we had Steve’s company Christmas party downtown. Despite the 2 hours stuck sitting in traffic to get into the city, it was nice and we had a good time. Of course I wonder if I gave off the impression that I was pregnant after constantly refusing alcohol. Once or twice was fine, but they came around non stop offering wine during dinner (which made sense to the people drinking) until I finally just blurted out “I can’t”. At one point someone looked at me and smiled when I refused for the millionth time, but it was probably all just in my head. I’m not a big drinker anyway, so not drinking to most wouldn’t necessarily set of any red flags... But it seems anytime you see someone not drink the pregnancy question starts to float... Or at least such has been my experience in the past.

Either way it was a nice evening and it was fun to get out just the two of us, we really don’t do that as often as we should. And it was nice to head into the city (Chicago) since it has been a while since we’ve gone.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Ready, Set, Go

Last night as we sat down to dinner I took my first dose of Metformin. I’ve been a little concerned over the possible side effects but so far so good. I do feel a little different (to describe it shortly) but I don’t feel terrible, I don’t feel sick, and I’m not spending additional time in the bathroom. Of course its only been one pill, at a third of my dose, and only 15 hrs ago, so everything is subject to change but so far, not bad (knock on wood, of course ;)).

I also decided to go ahead and begin Provera today. I mulled it over and if I thought there was the slightest possible chance that I might have ovulated at some point this cycle I would have waited... But I didn’t. To air on the side of caution after I woke up this morning and headed into the bathroom, I dug around in my cabinet for my stash of pregnancy tests, tore open the package, and did what needed to be done. I even used one of my good tests (FRER) instead a cheapy or +/-. This time, however, wasn’t because I was hoping to detect a pregnancy at the earliest possible point, but instead because I had absolutely no desire to deal with any sort of a possible evap. One pink line, stark white background, no hint of another just as I suspected. So I collected the appropriate prescription bottles (Provera and my prenatal, Met will be with dinner), gathered the pills, opened my mouth, and swallowed them down.

I’m excited to move on, to end this cycle and start fresh. I didn’t see the point of continuing on an anovulatory cycle when I know I really did not ovulate.

I’m looking forward to giving my self a break from charting and opks and everything else while on Provera. None of it matters at this point, temps wouldn’t be accurate, and the break is welcome. To be honest I stopped with the opks and have only been temping every other day or so since my ultrasound last week. I’ve been so frustrated with negative after negative opk and of erratic temps and stupid charts. Its been nice not to think about everything... I don’t find myself obsessing and constantly looking at my chart or hunting for any sign I may ovulate. I was getting so frustrated and now I’m not. I’ll start charting again once I’m off Provera. Until then I’ll enjoy my uninterrupted sleep in the mornings.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Moving Forward

My doctor’s appointment was, for the most part, uneventful... And that’s a good thing. We went over the rest of my labs and discussed the ultrasound... Basically we just went over everything I already knew.

The main goal of this appointment was to establish where to go next and to start on that path. I was given a prescription for Provera. Its up to me when to begin - I really don’t think I’ve ovulated so I doubt I’m pregnant. I’ll test to be sure but my chart, CM, CP, etc all point to having not ovulated. I’ll be on Provera for 10 days and I’d like to just get this cycle over with, so I’m tempted to just start tomorrow but I may wait until Sunday after Steve’s company Christmas party.

Beyond that I’ll be starting Metformin tonight. My dosage is set at 1500mg but I will work up to that over the course of the next 3 weeks, adding one pill each week. My doctor expects that we’ll see changes within the next two months and have scheduled my next appointment accordingly - February 4, 2009. If at that point my cycles haven’t regulated and I’m not ovulating then we’ll begin Clomid. In the mean time, I have a refill on my Provera prescription so that if my next cycle starts to hit the 40 day range I can end that. If/when I do ovulate prior to February 4th I need to go in at 7dpo to have my progesterone levels checked.

I left my doctor’s office feeling good... Better than I have in a while. The gears are in motion and we have a plan to move forward. I suppose it helps that my doctor looked at me, smiled, and said “I feel good about this”, too. And I think she’s right. If not, in 2 months we’ll reevaluate and begin Clomid.

After my appointment I headed to the pharmacy to fill my prescriptions. My insurance actually proved good for something in all of this and covered the Metformin 100%, so surprisingly that was free and the Provera was only $4.
While I waited for my prescription to be filled I browsed the aisles and found myself humming Christmas tunes... At one point embarrassingly loud but that’s okay - I felt great. I finally feel like we have hope, that we might actually be able to conceive our next child soon. That we actually have a chance at this.

I got into the car and about half way home I turned into the over emotional person that I tend to be and my eyes welled up with tears for a few seconds. Only this time it wasn’t because I was upset, hurt, or devastated... It was because I realized that I had a smile on my face for the first time in far too long, and it wasn’t going away. I know this will change from day to day, and I know I can’t expect the Metformin to work wonders right away and it very well might take months... But I honestly feel that I will be pregnant again soon, that we’re going to have another child. I’m excited, and most of all...I have hope.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Where We Stand

When I first realized I was most likely going to need fertility meds to get pregnant again, I didn’t want anyone to know. I’m not sure why but I just didn’t. I told my Mom, of course, but beyond that it was no one’s business... And it still isn’t. I guess that maybe at least some of that stems from not many people knowing we were TTC, either. I told a few close friends, My mom, etc... But beyond that I thought I’d be announcing my pregnancy within a few months so it didn’t matter.

After being diagnosed with PCOS, things became a little more complicated - I’ve debated who to say anything to, and who to leave in the dark. The truth is I am a little ashamed.. Not so much of PCOS but of my body, for screwing up yet again. This is no longer just a pregnancy thing, an issue that will disappear when I announce that I am pregnant. This is something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I still have no desire to make this all public knowledge at this point, hence I started a new blog. Our old blog links through our website which extended family, coworkers, etc have access to and have checked in on. While I do have intentions to combine the two blogs, I’m not sure when and I don’t expect it to be any time soon.

The truth is originally I just assumed I’d just need a few pills to kick my ovaries into action and things would be set, I’d get pregnant quickly, and that would be the end of it. I didn’t see the need to let anyone in on the pill part since it was only temporary. Now I need to come to terms with the fact that this likely is going to take some time. My doctor said within a year, and it could be sooner - I am hoping it will be very soon, but I’m trying to accept that later is more likely. We’re only starting with Metformin and it will take time to build up to my dose, to work... And if not we’ll need to add clomid and again, take the time to let that work.

At this point our immediate family knows whats going on, and that is as far as I intend the information to spread for now. I am lucky that I have an extremely close relationship with my mother, my father, and my brothers. I’m not as close with my inlaws, but that is something we’re working on and I’m glad they know, too. It helps to have all of their support, an extra ear, another perspective. And with the holidays fast approaching it helps that the people we’ll spend the most time with know what’s going on. I’m concerned about possible side effects on Metformin and at least I’ll be able to explain why I’m passing on that glass of wine at dinner instead of inspiring pregnancy rumors to spread.

I’m not sure when I’ll be comfortable letting others in on this... But they really don’t need to know anyway. I’m not a particularly private person, but for now I’m comfortable at where this stands.


Late tomorrow morning I have another doctor’s appointment. I expect to go over everything that we already know in more detail, ask my questions, and get prescriptions sorted out. I’m hoping that I don’t learn anything new, unless its good of course. I’m eager to get the ball rolling.

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