Wednesday, November 25, 2009


A year ago I laid on the table in a dark exam room for an ultrasound that confirmed my diagnosis of PCOS.. Even thought the labs already said it all. I remember being sad and being upset, but I don’t remember those emotions being overwhelming - At that point I already knew we weren’t getting pregnant on our own. I already knew something was wrong. When the first labs came back I cried knowing there really was something wrong, that it was something I had to deal with the rest of my life. That this wasn’t something that would just fix itself (though I still hold out hope). But by the time the ultrasound came, even though I had hope there would be nothing there, reality had started to settle in.

I remember starting Provera and Met and feeling hopeful, and perfect timing with the holidays and all. We had a great Christmas - I loved being on Provera that one time simply because it meant I didn’t have to think about infertility or ttc or temping or stress. I just had to focus on that step and the hope.

I remember standing at the island in the kitchen decorating Christmas cookies and humming along to the music in the background. I remember so clearly being able to see myself next Christmas, now this Christmas, doing the exact same thing with a big round pregnant belly. I remember smiling at the thought.

And here I sit, exactly one year after that ultrasound, with my big round 34 week pregnant belly realizing just how correct that mental image all those months ago was. My baby, my second little boy, is pushing around back and forth inside me. I’m talking to a friend, reminiscing about funny stories from those first few weeks after Caden was born and with each laugh Parker wiggles and pushes as if he thinks its funny, too… or maybe he just has even more grand plans in store for us.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for so very much. For my beautiful little boy Caden who is so funny and so sweet and gives the best hugs in all the world, for my husband, my family, a healthy pregnancy and my baby soon to join us. I am thankful that I am able to look back and see the good. That there was good - there always has been and always will be.

And on a side note, I actually had more to say but managed to burn my thumb with boiling water so thats all for now!

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