2nd Tri, NT scan, Still the happiest

Today I am 15 weeks pregnant with a healthy little peep and securely in my second trimester. While I am well aware that nothing is guaranteed, I'm feeling much more secure and positive and all I want to do is enjoy the last 5.5 months of my pregnancy to the fullest - There isn’t a Momma on Earth more happy than me. (And wow - can we really only have 5.5 months until we welcome this little one?

I know as I approach my 22/23rd week and beyond there is sure to be a little hesitation, watching in the mirror more, checking hands and feet, watching for weight increases and keeping an even closer eye on my BP - 22/23 weeks is when I developed Preeclampsia with Caden and began my 4 month stint on the couch. But I'm feeling good about things - Despite the PCOS and the +ANA and my already sluggish kidneys... I refuse to anticipate the same path. I haven't gained any weight yet (down 2 lbs) and while I'm sure to start gaining now, with Caden I was already packing on the pounds. I remember with my previous pregnancy my feet and lower legs would tingle if I stood too long... I can't remember when it started but so far so good. I do remember that by this point last time I couldn't wear both my engagement ring and wedding band comfortably at the same time, and by the end of the day it was very hard to get any ring I was wearing off. Currently I can wear both rings without issue. I just feel good, very good, and I am hoping that is an indication of the months to come. I do not want to be on bed rest for any length of time - We have so much planned for this fall - Apple picking and the pumpkin patch, Halloween parties and mommy and me classes, and hopefully a trip with Caden up to the Dells. I want to go out in public and show off my big round belly, I want a reason to wear cute maternity clothes and have fun with my son, and most of all I want no reason to sit up at 4am worrying... crying over a tiny sleeper in a soon to be nursery.

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Just about 2 weeks ago Steve and I found ourselves at the hospital in the office of our High Risk OBs for our NT scan. Despite the common reason of "I wouldn't abort so I don't get screenings"... We wouldn't abort so we DID get the screening - to prepare, to ensure our child the best possible outcome.... but thats a post for another day. Anyway...

Beyond the test it was nice to sit down and talk with one of my all time favorite Doctors, Dr. K. We saw him every month or so in addition to my regular doctors for the 2nd half of my pregnancy with Caden and he was awesome.

First up was the ultrasound portion and blood prick...
It was amazing to see our baby now, at 13 weeks... His/her tiny little arms and hands, swimming and kicking and flipping around. If it were up to me I would have laid there for hours watching him/her. At the end we did take a look between baby's legs and have an early guess, but it really is much too early to say for sure and we're trying not to get attached to the idea, though we kind of already have.
My risk for Downs Syndrome based on Age alone (I'm 26, 27 in August) was 1/898. After blood and ultrasound, that risk is now 1/2692. Age alone risk for Trisomy 13 & 18 was 1/1741. My risk is 1/34,801 - So, normal results - screen negative.

We sat down with Dr. K afterwards and talked mainly about my previous pregnancy, current diagnosis, and where that leads us now. He started me on Baby Aspirin again and now we just wait and see. We also talked about my baseline 24hr urine being a little high and coupled with the ANA it is something we need to start keeping an eye on. Dr. K gave me the name of a doctor he likes and about 3-4 months after I have the baby I need to start getting regular checkups. He said its nothing to be alarmed about right now, maybe it will develop into something, maybe not... maybe 5 years from now, maybe 10.... but this way we'll catch anything that may develop early and have a plan in place.
We'll also be going back to Dr. K on September 3rd (22 weeks) for a heart study - Nothing to indicated anything wrong with the baby (heart looked great) but my little brother has a heart condition and while I do not believe it is genetic, Dr. K wants to be on the safe side.

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Last week was another prenatal appointment with my main OBs. Again everything was normal - baby's HR in the 160s, down 2 lbs, urine and BP looked good, etc. We chatted a bit and set up my next round of appointments - Another routine OB appt on August 4th and the "big" ultrasound on August 18th.

We decided to go ahead and discontinue use of Metformin as we were now in the 2nd trimester. The benefit regarding miscarriage is no longer applicable and any further benefit to continue the drug is still unclear. My dr decided to further research continued use of the drug and I did my own - from the talk on boards I assumed I'd find undisputable evidence to continue the drug and I did not. I found many articles supporting continued use... but then I found many articles that showed no significant results. In the end we decided, and I agree, its best for me to go off the drug.

I'm excited about this... we're weaning off and now I'm down to my last week at 500mg (was at 1500). I'm excited not to have to remember pills, I'm excited at the prospect of being "normal" again, though I know that really isn't true. And I don't want to be putting drugs in my body if there is no reason to.

I was feeling calm and relaxed... Until I was told the story of so and so who stopped met and lost a baby in the 2nd tri which started the anxiety gears in motion. I know that is still a risk regardless, but there is no indication the metformin will prevent it. Even so I didn't want to risk another month of anxiety waiting for my next appt to know the baby is okay so Steve and I decided to rent a doppler. I have had my doppler 3 days now and outside of the urge to lay around listening to my baby all day, I love having it. I want to limit my use of the doppler and I plan on sending it back once I can feel the baby regularly (I figure a month or two)but its nice to know that if the anxiety starts to creep in, I can lay down and know things are okay. I love hearing that perfect sound.

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I suppose I really should update more - I doubt anyone has actually read to this point, but then again I want to document as much as possible for my sake (probably should update my organizer!).

I'm feeling great - "morning" sickness is gone which has me pleased as can be. Still have heartburn and still a bit more sleepy than normal, but even my energy is starting to return. I've felt a few flutters, but nothing too strong yet and I'm still very much anticipating that first big kick. We've started doing a little more shopping for the baby and I find myself daydreaming of him/her on a regular basis.

Caden is doing well and is so much fun... the fits still come but even those are less frequent and not quite the same intensity. We start toddler swim lessons tomorrow and Caden is so excited. He is such an amazing little man.

Unconventional Wisdom

I spoke with my doctor yesterday afternoon regarding the timing of my upcoming appointment and she said that she would like to see me do another cycle/month on Met before starting Clomid but if I was feeling anxious we could go ahead and begin next cycle. I agreed that it would be best to wait another cycle before starting Clomid - I know it can take some time for the drug to sort things out and seeing that time on Clomid is limited, I don’t want to rush anything and I want to give us the best chance possible of the meds working. It helps to know, too, that if something goes wonky and I do start getting anxious (well, more so than now) we can go ahead and start. So far I’m okay though, and I think that this will be best. Unless AF takes her sweet time showing up after the Provera - then I’ve decided we’re moving on.

So we wait. Wait to start Provera, Wait for AF, Waiting (and hoping) to ovulate or waiting for another cycle to end. Its the waiting that makes me so anxious, the waiting with no hope. At least if I was ovulating I’d be waiting for something but instead I wait for something that never comes. And if I was ovulating on the second half I’d have hope, a chance, a possibility of pregnancy... Instead my wait is empty with no hope, no possibility, and a bottle of pills in my hand instead of a pregnancy test. But at this point its all we can do, so we wait. While it doesn’t feel like it, I am doing what I can. Next cycle could be the cycle, the wait could finally pay off, and if not, we’ll move on.

Last night after I gave my son his bath and tucked him into bed I grabbed a book from the shelf and snuggled up next to him to read him is bedtime story. It was a book I’ve read so many times in the past and I grabbed it pretty much at random, not thinking or remembering much about it at all. I turned the pages and read the happy rhymes while Caden looked at the bright pictures and giggled and smiled... And then I found something I never quite expected to find... A little bit of wisdom in words and rhymes meant for my child, but that I needed to hear...

So I leave you with a few pages from the wise Dr. Seuss and his book, “Oh, the Places You’ll go!”

..........
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
Or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
That you’ll start in to race
Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

... For people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
Or the mail to come, or the rain to go,
Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
Or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
Or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
Or waiting around for Friday night
Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
Or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
Or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
Or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting...

NO! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
All that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
Where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping
Once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of guy!

.......................................

I’m afraid that some times
You’ll play lonely games too
Games you can’t win
‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
You’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
You’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
That can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
Though the weather be foul
On you will go
Though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
Through Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
A frightening creek,
Though your arms may get sore
And your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far
And face up to your problems
Whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
As you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
With many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s
A Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains.

So...
Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
Or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off to great places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... Get on your way.

An Egg That Never Comes

According to fertility friend I’m 7dpo today, meaning I should be going in for the progesterone draw. However, I’m not. If I actually believed fertility friend I would, but I don’t. I had negative OPKs, cervix didn’t really suggest ovulation and other than a slight temp rise and a very small, very short lived patch of possibly fertile CM, nothing else correlates - FF didn’t even indicate ovulation until 5 or 6 dpo. It also doesn’t help that the past two days worth of temps were not entirely accurate as they were taken too early or too late. I really do not believe I ovulated but if for some reason my temp does go up tomorrow (and its accurate) I’ll go in. 8dpo is better than none I’m sure, plus - I don’t see there being that need.

Twice now Fertility friend has indicated ovulation that didn’t really happen, so you could see why I have a hard time believing. I’m also expecting some perfect temp rise and beautifully correlated chart when I finally do ovulate which I know is probably not going to happen and something I need to let go of. And now I’m wondering why I even chart when I don’t even trust what I see?

When I first started charting and ovulation was first indicated I fiddled and played with numbers and such (keeping exacts written and saved) just to keep those beautiful red crosshairs. Now I fiddle and play with numbers to see how easy it is to get rid of them.

Anyway....
I do need to call my doctor regarding my Metformin prescription (the pharmacy is dishing out based on the original prescription, which adds up to only 2 weeks of pills) and where to go next. Unless AF does show in the next week or two, that February 4th appt isn’t making much sense as it will put me at the beginning of a new cycle, assuming Provera works the same as before. It will be too late to start clomid that cycle and too early to know if I ovulated on my own or not so I need to see what the doctor thinks we should do... Move the appointment up to just go ahead and start clomid, or move the appt to the end of February to better correlate with the end of the cycle and start clomid the following. I can go either way.

On the one hand I can see the benefit of doing 2 full cycles on Met - I wasn’t expecting it to work right away anyway. On the other hand I am so incredibly tired of anovulatory cycles and the waiting and waiting and waiting for an egg that never comes. I hate the second guessing and everything that goes along with it - part of me wonders if I even have another anovulatory cycle in me. The biggest argument for waiting another cycle is the fear that clomid won’t work. That we’ll exhaust that option and it won’t work either, and thats a point I just don’t want to get to or I want to delay as long as possible.

I guess we'll just see what my doctor thinks because my current stance on the subject is who the hell cares. As much as I wish I could say that I’m out of that new year funk I posted about last, such isn’t the case. I so miss my blissful optimism that flew out the window with the passing of the holidays and yet another missing egg. At least I’m not feeling as shitty and obsessive as in months previous, and I’m not feeling this way all day, but I do need to pull myself up and get over it - well, as much as that can be done. Hopefully once I talk to my doctor and have a better laid plan for the weeks to come that can happen.

In closing let me just say that anovulation sucks. Big time. I haven’t been TTC the past several months, I’ve been TTO - Trying to ovulate. All of the preseed and sex and hip raising or magical conception pillows, instead cups or whatever won’t do a damn for me - There is no chance, no possibility I could be or even could get pregnant, no hope. There is nothing I can do but swallow down a few pills and cross my fingers that just maybe we’ll get an egg. There is no control, nothing I can do and it is so damn frustrating.

Apprehensive

Thunder snow woke me up this morning - it was a huge crash resulting in one freaked out fat cat hauling ass through the house and under my bed, the 2nd cat soon following.. At least the 3rd kitty, the beagle, and the boy didn’t seem to care. But I sat straight up and got out of bed and looked out the window without temping, oops. I’m only on CD 6 so its not like it really matters anyway.

I’m up to my full dose on Met now and so far so good. I do feel a little queasy from time to time but I really can’t complain and am okay with how I feel on it. It really has killed my appetite though, especially in the afternoon. I’m not sure if its the meds or just how busy I’ve been the past few days, but I’ll get hungry mid morning and have a quick snack (I rarely eat breakfast) and then usually around 3pm I’ll realize I haven’t really ate and force myself to choke something down. Today it was half a bowl of cheerios. Evenings are much better though and I am eating, no worries there.

AF is all but gone, a day or so sooner than on a normal, non induced cycle. The crazy thing is I’m kind of upset to see her go. I mean, I can understand missing AF - When she doesn’t come around when she ought to, its frustrating. When she doesn’t come around because your body isn’t working properly, it just sucks. But even then I was always glad when it was over, new cycle, new hope, no period.. So what the hell is going on here? Why am I sad to see her go? After all, periods suck.

I definitely don’t want another two week long period like I have had once before, so its not the actual ending in 6 days that has me iffy.. Its what comes next. I’m afraid to go on and have another anovulatory cycle, which all things considered, is the most likely outcome for this cycle. Beyond that I’m afraid that my next cycle will be anovulatory and we’ll move onto clomid. And it isn’t the possibility of clomid that has me apprehensive, but the possibility that clomid won’t work either. Because thats our only hope at this point. These medications are our only shot.

We have no infertility coverage on our insurance so we can’t move onto injectables or IUIs or IVFs. They are not an option. We could actually probably cover some of those expenses out of pocket but with the economy and who knows what the hell might happen between now and then - I can’t jeopardize my family’s financial stability, my son’s... We’re not in a place I’d feel comfortable doing that at this point. But that is really a bridge to cross when we come to it - things could change, the economy could be fairing better, we could win the lottery.... Crazier things have happened, right? But to say that the knowledge that these meds are our only real hope at this current point and time is on my mind is an understatement.

I still have hope, and I do believe we will be pregnant soon... But moving on, actually being back to the point of TTC brings back all those old familiar fears. And I worry that the bliss of waiting and hope will be gone completely in a few weeks when I haven’t ovulated yet again, even though I don’t really expect that I will ovulate this cycle.

The good in this at least is in the timing. I have so much going on that my mind is, for the most part, distracted from my ovaries and empty uterus. The next week is filled with prepping for Christmas, Steve is home the 3 days following so I’m excited to spend the time with my boys, the next week is another short week for new years and will be spent playing with Christmas presents, cleaning, putting together toys, taking down Christmas decorations, etc. Beyond that is planning Caden’s birthday party - though not as involved as Christmas, its something to do. By the time that is over we’ll either know how the Metformin is working or be starting clomid, so I’m hoping this all keeps the obsessive thoughts away.

I guess all I can do at this point is cross my fingers and see what happens. I suppose I should restock my opks.

Waking Up

I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the Met or perhaps its just the season but I’ve been getting a lot done the past few days.

Every since having Caden I’ve been so exhausted in the afternoons. Every since my surgery this has been so much worse. My exhaustion wasn’t to the point of being crabby or a little sleepy but instead was to the point of being unable to function. I tried everything from exercising during that time to holding off on lunch until the afternoon hours... Nothing worked.

By 3pm I was always falling asleep, sitting up if such was the case, and then waking up 30 to 60 minutes later when Caden woke up, always feeing like I had just been hit by a truck. I then stumbled around for the next several hours until I finally woke up just in time for bed.
I tried not taking the nap, keeping myself busy and not sitting down... Instead I still just felt like I had hit by a truck and stumbled around in a haze for the afternoon and early evening.

For the past several days I still find myself getting drowsy in the afternoons, but not to the extent I was before. Instead of needing to sit or lay down I’m able to keep going and get things done. While I might be a little drowsy, I am able to function and in turn I feel so good. Being that tired was so hard, to feel that bad was terrible. I worry that it will come back and I’m sure it will, but for now I’m enjoying this chance to get things done.

So what have I done with these new found hours? Nothing terribly exciting, well, not to most.
Yesterday I managed to rearrange Caden’s room and get that cleaned up in an attempt to make way for the new round of goodies that will come on Santa’s sleigh in just a few weeks - I still need to go though toys and clothes do decide what needs to be donated and what needs to be packed away.

I’ve also been taking care of our Christmas preparations... Wednesday we took Caden to see Santa and I just need to pick up two more presents and then my shopping is done. Wrapping is almost done as well which just leaves stockings for Steve and Caden, Stockings for the kitties and Ellie, plan and bake cookies, plan Christmas dinner, and finish up the few homemade gifts we’re doing this year.

This weekend I hope to accomplish most on my Christmas to do list as well as hopefully get some scrapping in and possibly work on planning Caden’s 2nd birthday party. Tomorrow Daddy and Pook are heading out to finish up their Christmas shopping and then on Sunday afternoon Caden is going with Grandma to a Christmas party (and he’ll get to see Santa again!) So I’ll have some time to myself.

It definitely feels good to be getting things done, to have energy, to feel somewhat back to myself.
....

Speaking of Metformin, I increased my dose on Wednesday and so far have felt fine. I did get a bit queasy for a few minutes yesterday afternoon, but it was short lived and nothing terrible. So far, so good! Hopefully my cycles will respond as well as my lack of side effects has me feeling.

Passing Time, Thinking Too Much

As far as the Metformin goes, so far - so good! No super nasty side effects though I did get queasy two evenings. But really I can’t complain, it wasn’t too bad. I hope when I add the 2nd pill on Wednesday things continue on this way.

I haven’t had any side effects from the Provera, either. My CM changed, which I suspect is normal, though now I’m worried that what if I am pregnant? I still highly doubt that, I had no indications of ovulation let alone pregnancy but its still something I find myself wondering about. I know I’m not, but I guess thats just who I am... Needing to worry about something. I did test prior to starting and it was negative... Maybe I’ll use one of my cheapies and test again tomorrow just to put my mind at ease. I really don’t want to waste another one of my good tests but then I really don’t want to risk dealing with a sneaky evap that seem to always show up on the ICs. Really I should just let it rest but I know it would be better to put my mind at ease. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off.

...

Last night we had Steve’s company Christmas party downtown. Despite the 2 hours stuck sitting in traffic to get into the city, it was nice and we had a good time. Of course I wonder if I gave off the impression that I was pregnant after constantly refusing alcohol. Once or twice was fine, but they came around non stop offering wine during dinner (which made sense to the people drinking) until I finally just blurted out “I can’t”. At one point someone looked at me and smiled when I refused for the millionth time, but it was probably all just in my head. I’m not a big drinker anyway, so not drinking to most wouldn’t necessarily set of any red flags... But it seems anytime you see someone not drink the pregnancy question starts to float... Or at least such has been my experience in the past.

Either way it was a nice evening and it was fun to get out just the two of us, we really don’t do that as often as we should. And it was nice to head into the city (Chicago) since it has been a while since we’ve gone.

Ready, Set, Go

Last night as we sat down to dinner I took my first dose of Metformin. I’ve been a little concerned over the possible side effects but so far so good. I do feel a little different (to describe it shortly) but I don’t feel terrible, I don’t feel sick, and I’m not spending additional time in the bathroom. Of course its only been one pill, at a third of my dose, and only 15 hrs ago, so everything is subject to change but so far, not bad (knock on wood, of course ;)).

I also decided to go ahead and begin Provera today. I mulled it over and if I thought there was the slightest possible chance that I might have ovulated at some point this cycle I would have waited... But I didn’t. To air on the side of caution after I woke up this morning and headed into the bathroom, I dug around in my cabinet for my stash of pregnancy tests, tore open the package, and did what needed to be done. I even used one of my good tests (FRER) instead a cheapy or +/-. This time, however, wasn’t because I was hoping to detect a pregnancy at the earliest possible point, but instead because I had absolutely no desire to deal with any sort of a possible evap. One pink line, stark white background, no hint of another just as I suspected. So I collected the appropriate prescription bottles (Provera and my prenatal, Met will be with dinner), gathered the pills, opened my mouth, and swallowed them down.

I’m excited to move on, to end this cycle and start fresh. I didn’t see the point of continuing on an anovulatory cycle when I know I really did not ovulate.

I’m looking forward to giving my self a break from charting and opks and everything else while on Provera. None of it matters at this point, temps wouldn’t be accurate, and the break is welcome. To be honest I stopped with the opks and have only been temping every other day or so since my ultrasound last week. I’ve been so frustrated with negative after negative opk and of erratic temps and stupid charts. Its been nice not to think about everything... I don’t find myself obsessing and constantly looking at my chart or hunting for any sign I may ovulate. I was getting so frustrated and now I’m not. I’ll start charting again once I’m off Provera. Until then I’ll enjoy my uninterrupted sleep in the mornings.