Thursday, January 29, 2009

I can't do this anymore

I have a call into my Doctor’s office - she is out today but will call me back tomorrow. Either we’re starting clomid or I’m giving up... And honestly giving up sounds like the better option. I can’t do this anymore.

Two months... Its been two more long months and we aren’t any closer to having a baby. Two more months, a shit ton of pills, and nothing to show for it. No egg, no period, no pregnancy, just me sobbing in my living room asking why. I've tried to be positive - I've tried to distract myself, but really... whats the point?

I finished Provera on Monday and I still haven’t got AF. I know it can take a week blah blah blah..... But if the Metformin was doing anything to help at all then I think I’d have got it by now. Instead nothing - not a single cramp, not a single spot, nothing... So I doubt she is showing anytime soon.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this - I have no reason to expect clomid will work since nothing else has and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I have never hated my body more than I do right now. I think its time to accept the truth of my situation.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


I was tagged at Aramelle’s blog A New Wheeler for the world , to post 10 honest things. I won’t be tagging anyone back though. Not because I don’t want to, but because most of the people I would tag don’t know about this blog since I wanted to keep our current issues separate. Anyway, here is my list...

1. I’m way too nostalgic at times. Through all the hard times my life has been amazing and I feel so blessed, I just seriously wish I could press pause.

2. I have obsessive compulsive tendencies. I love to organize. I’m not OCD, but when stressed my lovely little quirks flare up. It has been under control for a long time now but was the worst in College. I was mainly a checker - it would take 30 min to leave the house so I could do a few full checks of every room, etc. Certain things had to be certain ways... I’ll still check the house more than necessary if I’m stressed but its no where near as bad.

3. I’m terrified of death.

4. I had a high risk pregnancy with my son - early onset pre-eclampsia, 4 months bed rest, fetal crash, emergency c-section. I secretly wonder if my infertility is my body’s way of telling me I won’t make it though another pregnancy with such a positive outcome.

5. I’m super emotional all the time - I cry at everything.

6. We have 3 cats and a beagle. The cats used to be my babies before the human baby came along - I feel guilty they don’t get the attention they once did.

7. I love to do all sorts of crafty things - especially scrapbook and paper craft. I wish I knew how to do more.

8. I’ve been eating like crap the past few days - I hate the way I look and need to work on that.

9. I’m a night owl - no matter how tired I am or even if I fall asleep - as soon as 9pm hits I’m wide awake.

10. Sometimes I miss working but I wouldn’t give up staying home with my son for the world. Seeing that he might be all I get, I’m eternally grateful that I had this opportunity.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Starting at the end again

This morning I started Provera again which means I got to bask in the glow of yet another negative pregnancy test. I found myself just sitting there staring at the test... Not at the results as I knew what they would be, but at the test itself... The result key just off to the side of that little window... Pregnant. I, of course, related more to the “Not Pregnant” printed on the line below, but I couldn’t take my eyes off that one little word and that little picture of two little lines. I wish I knew what I was feeling, but I don’t. I just stared.

After I had enough I went and crawled back into my warm bed and under the covers and stared a while longer out the window. It has been so cold lately, and today looks like no exception. I wished I could go back to sleep but within a few minutes I gave up and crawled back out of bed and here I sit. We gave up on this cycle and stopped actively trying to conceive a week ago, so this time I don’t even have that in these little pills. My hope at this point is that my period arrives quickly and we can just move on.

I wish I could say I had some grand hope about this next cycle but I don’t. I will say that I do think the Metformin has had some positive effects on me as I have noticed changes from previous cycles, but I’ve accepted at this point we’re going to need more than just this. I am okay with giving one more cycle before moving on - mainly due to the reduced risk of miscarriage in women with PCOS who were on Metformin prior to conceiving. And who knows, this could be the cycle everything changes, this could be the cycle we’ve been waiting so many months for... But I doubt it.
I try to remind myself that anything is possible - despite how expected a negative pregnancy test might be, those results always leave you feeling just a little bit down and this morning is no exception.

I cancelled my upcoming appointment on the 4th as the timing turned out to make that appointment irrelevant to my cycle. Instead I’ll be going in on the 24th - by that point I should be far enough in my cycle that we will know what is happening and be able to move on accordingly.

And in other somewhat good news the $1,000.00 bill denied by my insurance as it was coded as infertility has been re-coded and resubmitted. It is still showing as pending but at least a portion has been paid. That portion is low so I’m hoping the insurance company isn’t going to try to deny some of the tests as infertility, but we’ll see. If so I have every intention of appealing (and winning). The kicker - Two weeks ago my insurance company sent me a pamphlet on the importance of regular gynecological check ups and how fragile your reproductive health is... Of course they failed to include that little disclaimer that if something is wrong, you’re up the creek and don’t look to them for a paddle... And definitely not a payment.


Caden’s party is just a week away so my plan for today is to wrap this up, jump in the shower, and get his cake ordered. The cake has been quite the ordeal but I’m not even going to get started on that. I find it hard to believe just how quickly these two years have passed, and it breaks my heart how hard it is to remember what Caden was like as an itty bitty newborn at times. I remember moments so well, but at the same time I don’t remember and it is so hard to explain. I look at his baby photos and it is hard to believe he was ever that small. Now he is a constantly moving little ball of energy, our little man, who makes me smile and keeps me on my toes, he is, after all, what I live for, but it all just goes so fast. Caden is such a smart little boy - he knows most of his letters and can count to ten and so much more. And he is so funny - always good for a giggle and a smile.

Once again I stare but this time at nothing... I love listening to him laugh.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Holding Pattern

I haven’t felt like writing lately because I guess I don’t have much to say. As I already knew I didn’t ovulate so now we just wait. Assuming AF doesn’t show, and I doubt she will, I’m going to start Provera again at the end of this week - I’ll probably refill my prescription on Wednesday since we’re in for some pretty cold temps at the end of the week and I don’t want to drag Caden out in that weather. Knowing the end to this cycle is in sight has helped keep some of the negative feelings tucked into the back corners of my mind. They are never gone, but at least they aren’t dominate.

Saturday we watched my 3 year old nephew for most of the day. Watching him and Caden play was so sweet and I kept thinking what a great big brother Caden will be. I kept thinking how wonderful it will be to have our two children playing like that. Seeing my husband play with both of the boys hurt a little - he is such a great Daddy (or Dee as Caden calls him) and he deserves his second child. We both do. I only hope I can give it to him... To us.

Otherwise, I’ve been trying to keep my mind off things. We’ve been working on a few projects around the house, getting things in line for Caden’s birthday party (less than 2 weeks!), etc. I’ve also noticed that I tend to distract myself by spending money, particularly on craft and scrapbooking stuff, which I really shouldn’t do... I went a little overboard the past few weeks so I’m done for a while! Its not like I’m putting us in debt or anything, but I have so much stuff as is and lack the time to use it all, so I need to focus more on using what I have. I love to scrapbook and paper craft and the like - I just need more time!

Speaking of which, my scrap/craft room has been a bit of a debate within my mind. When I was pregnant with Caden we painted the room yellow and turned it into our office/craft room. As time has gone on, I really didn’t like the color and have wanted to paint it. However, knowing that soon enough the room would become a nursery and thus painted again we never did anything. We almost painted in July but then began TTC so we held off. Had I known what I do now, I would have just painted it.

I talked to DH about it and we (well, he) are going to go ahead and paint the room. I think we’re both secretly hoping Murphy’s law kicks in and I get pregnant right away after painting it, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. If we do end up needing to repaint that room and turn it into a nursery right away though, I doubt either of us will mind. And if months from now I’m still not pregnant, well then at least I won’t be looking at the yellow walls kicking myself for not going ahead and painting. So, either next weekend or sometime after Caden’s party, depending on when we have the time, we’re going to paint the room a pretty shade of green.

I’ve been able to distract myself with room plans and better ways to organize which has been helpful, and I am excited about my new room. At least it won’t be a reminder of the wait anymore. Once the time comes to turn that room into a nursery we plan to move my craft stuff to the basement and I have plans floating around in my head for that, too. I’ve debated just moving everything down now, instead of waiting, but I don’t think that the empty room would be good for me right now.

Otherwise I’ve just been hanging out with my boys, playing in the snow, playing with cars and trains, and just being. I’m just glad that for the most part I haven’t been dwelling on that which I cannot change and I hope to continue. Soon enough we’ll be onto a new cycle, new hope, and if not, a new plan.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Unconventional Wisdom

I spoke with my doctor yesterday afternoon regarding the timing of my upcoming appointment and she said that she would like to see me do another cycle/month on Met before starting Clomid but if I was feeling anxious we could go ahead and begin next cycle. I agreed that it would be best to wait another cycle before starting Clomid - I know it can take some time for the drug to sort things out and seeing that time on Clomid is limited, I don’t want to rush anything and I want to give us the best chance possible of the meds working. It helps to know, too, that if something goes wonky and I do start getting anxious (well, more so than now) we can go ahead and start. So far I’m okay though, and I think that this will be best. Unless AF takes her sweet time showing up after the Provera - then I’ve decided we’re moving on.

So we wait. Wait to start Provera, Wait for AF, Waiting (and hoping) to ovulate or waiting for another cycle to end. Its the waiting that makes me so anxious, the waiting with no hope. At least if I was ovulating I’d be waiting for something but instead I wait for something that never comes. And if I was ovulating on the second half I’d have hope, a chance, a possibility of pregnancy... Instead my wait is empty with no hope, no possibility, and a bottle of pills in my hand instead of a pregnancy test. But at this point its all we can do, so we wait. While it doesn’t feel like it, I am doing what I can. Next cycle could be the cycle, the wait could finally pay off, and if not, we’ll move on.

Last night after I gave my son his bath and tucked him into bed I grabbed a book from the shelf and snuggled up next to him to read him is bedtime story. It was a book I’ve read so many times in the past and I grabbed it pretty much at random, not thinking or remembering much about it at all. I turned the pages and read the happy rhymes while Caden looked at the bright pictures and giggled and smiled... And then I found something I never quite expected to find... A little bit of wisdom in words and rhymes meant for my child, but that I needed to hear...

So I leave you with a few pages from the wise Dr. Seuss and his book, “Oh, the Places You’ll go!”

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
Or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
That you’ll start in to race
Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

... For people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
Or the mail to come, or the rain to go,
Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
Or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
Or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
Or waiting around for Friday night
Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
Or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
Or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
Or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting...

NO! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
All that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
Where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping
Once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of guy!


I’m afraid that some times
You’ll play lonely games too
Games you can’t win
‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
You’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
You’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
That can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
Though the weather be foul
On you will go
Though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
Through Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
A frightening creek,
Though your arms may get sore
And your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far
And face up to your problems
Whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
As you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
With many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s
A Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains.

Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
Or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off to great places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... Get on your way.

Monday, January 5, 2009

An Egg That Never Comes

According to fertility friend I’m 7dpo today, meaning I should be going in for the progesterone draw. However, I’m not. If I actually believed fertility friend I would, but I don’t. I had negative OPKs, cervix didn’t really suggest ovulation and other than a slight temp rise and a very small, very short lived patch of possibly fertile CM, nothing else correlates - FF didn’t even indicate ovulation until 5 or 6 dpo. It also doesn’t help that the past two days worth of temps were not entirely accurate as they were taken too early or too late. I really do not believe I ovulated but if for some reason my temp does go up tomorrow (and its accurate) I’ll go in. 8dpo is better than none I’m sure, plus - I don’t see there being that need.

Twice now Fertility friend has indicated ovulation that didn’t really happen, so you could see why I have a hard time believing. I’m also expecting some perfect temp rise and beautifully correlated chart when I finally do ovulate which I know is probably not going to happen and something I need to let go of. And now I’m wondering why I even chart when I don’t even trust what I see?

When I first started charting and ovulation was first indicated I fiddled and played with numbers and such (keeping exacts written and saved) just to keep those beautiful red crosshairs. Now I fiddle and play with numbers to see how easy it is to get rid of them.

I do need to call my doctor regarding my Metformin prescription (the pharmacy is dishing out based on the original prescription, which adds up to only 2 weeks of pills) and where to go next. Unless AF does show in the next week or two, that February 4th appt isn’t making much sense as it will put me at the beginning of a new cycle, assuming Provera works the same as before. It will be too late to start clomid that cycle and too early to know if I ovulated on my own or not so I need to see what the doctor thinks we should do... Move the appointment up to just go ahead and start clomid, or move the appt to the end of February to better correlate with the end of the cycle and start clomid the following. I can go either way.

On the one hand I can see the benefit of doing 2 full cycles on Met - I wasn’t expecting it to work right away anyway. On the other hand I am so incredibly tired of anovulatory cycles and the waiting and waiting and waiting for an egg that never comes. I hate the second guessing and everything that goes along with it - part of me wonders if I even have another anovulatory cycle in me. The biggest argument for waiting another cycle is the fear that clomid won’t work. That we’ll exhaust that option and it won’t work either, and thats a point I just don’t want to get to or I want to delay as long as possible.

I guess we'll just see what my doctor thinks because my current stance on the subject is who the hell cares. As much as I wish I could say that I’m out of that new year funk I posted about last, such isn’t the case. I so miss my blissful optimism that flew out the window with the passing of the holidays and yet another missing egg. At least I’m not feeling as shitty and obsessive as in months previous, and I’m not feeling this way all day, but I do need to pull myself up and get over it - well, as much as that can be done. Hopefully once I talk to my doctor and have a better laid plan for the weeks to come that can happen.

In closing let me just say that anovulation sucks. Big time. I haven’t been TTC the past several months, I’ve been TTO - Trying to ovulate. All of the preseed and sex and hip raising or magical conception pillows, instead cups or whatever won’t do a damn for me - There is no chance, no possibility I could be or even could get pregnant, no hope. There is nothing I can do but swallow down a few pills and cross my fingers that just maybe we’ll get an egg. There is no control, nothing I can do and it is so damn frustrating.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Welcome 2009

I remember the start of 2008 so well, it seems like only weeks have passed instead of a whole year. 2008 was to be our year of nothing. ‘03 we moved in together and Steve’s college graduation, ‘04 we got engaged and my college graduation, ‘05 we bought a house, ‘06 we were married and pregnant, ‘07 brought the birth of our first child... 2008 was to be just us. Originally we weren’t planning on TTC until now - January 2009 - so there wasn’t to be any pregnancies, births, marriages, etc. And I was so looking forward to that... A year to just be. I was fine having a year of no big announcements, no huge happenings... The past five years had so much going on I forgot what it was like to have just a regular year. I was excited about this. While I wasn’t expecting and was in fact counting on having nothing big and exciting to write in the “what great happened in 2008” box, I wasn’t expecting to have to much to write in the crapfest of ‘08 section.

Our crapfest, as previously and so eloquently stated, started out in February with the trigger of events that lead to the starting of this blog - Getting sick, emergency surgery, and for the first few months following, while unaware of what had been set off, the worst of it was just the medical bills (we still haven’t been billed on the big one, btw). Beyond the medical bills I saw the surgery as a great thing, and in one respect it was. For seven years I dealt with that terrible pain on and off and people thinking I was just over exaggerating or making things up. And since my surgery I have been completely free of that terrible pain.

Of course then the months passed and periods did not, we moved up TTC just to find out it wasn’t going to happen again for us on our own, PCOS, infertility, and then the icing on the cake - losing our infertility insurance coverage completely.

Then there were little things - house repairs, the economy, minor (but expensive) things that added up.

Beyond that, I did get my quiet year so I suppose I can’t complain too much. My son, my husband, my family were all healthy. I didn’t lose anyone close to me and I did have a great year with Caden. Swimming lessons, trips to the zoo, pumpkin patch, playing in the back yard... Those things were all great and beyond the infertility, bills, medications and doctor appointments, 2008 really is filled with many smiles and happy memories and for that I am truly grateful.

I suppose I’m just feeling a tad bit negative this morning. I’m on CD 19 and no sign of ovulation. While I’m aware it could still happen my original thoughts of this cycle being a bust seem to be holding true. It doesn’t help that yesterday I was on day two of a nice temp rise and my breasts hurt - At first I thought no way but then I did get my hopes up that I might have actually ovulated. I didn’t. I was so excited at the prospect of actually being able to decide when to test instead of deciding when to start Provera, but that isn’t the case. And I’m left to sit here thinking that the metformin isn’t going to work. The clomid isn’t going to work. We’re never going to have another child. I truly hope such isn’t the case and I hope to get out of this funk soon - I think I would have been fine had not been for the thoughts that I may have actually ovulated. My thinking right now is to give it another 2 weeks and start Provera. When I go in on February 4th it will still be early in my cycle so I won’t be starting clomid until March. I’ve debated just holding off on Provera so that I can start clomid next cycle, but 2 cycles on metformin would probably be best. I think I’ll put a call into my doctor in a week or two as I need to have her fix my met rx anyway.

So yes - Welcome 2009. I have many hopes for what you may bring. While I wished for quiet last year, I pray for big this year - for announcements, for a pregnancy, for our second child. Please...

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