The hardest part

I’ve always wondered how they do it - the parents of sick and hurt kids, the guardians of tiny bodies undergoing big procedures, sitting by hospital beds and making huge decisions. I always wondered how they managed because I clearly couldn’t and was so grateful I didn’t know. And while it could have been much worse - now I do. The answer is you have no choice and try as you might to regain control, it all just spins wildly beyond your finger tips. And you just manage.
Its been a month since this all started, and tomorrow will mark 2 weeks since we were finally released after 3 hospitalizations and two surgeries and hopefully the end. When I first sat down to write this out, after we were released the very first time, I had so much to say. And I want to have everything down so I can explain to Caden when he gets older just how he got the scars that now litter his belly. Little did I know we were still facing a long road ahead of us and here is the short, but still very long version.

Friday March 12th started out like any other day. I smiled at the routine we had established around here and in the morning Caden and I decided to make necklaces out of froot loops. We played and he went down for his nap and everything was as normal as it could be. Caden woke up from his nap and everything was still normal - he ate a granola bar and played with his toys while I put dinner in the oven. Shortly before 5:30pm I took Caden into his room to get him dressed so we could run to the store and as I buttoned his jeans he whined “Mommy, my belly hurts”. My first thought was that his pants must be too tight and we’d be heading into 5T sooner than expected but I checked and they seemed okay. He did, too, and ran out to the living room to play. I sat down to nurse Parker and Caden grabbed his belly suddenly again, “Mom, my belly!” and then seemed fine. Steve came home a few minutes later and I told him that Caden seemed to have a belly ache and then Caden cried out again. Caden is a tough little guy - of all the tumbles and bumps and bruises, and there have been some nasty ones, he has never even been one to cry so I knew something was wrong. He said it again and I could tell he was in pain - I told him to lay down but he just jumped around.. And then he was fine again. Steve thought maybe he was just really hungry, and he hadn’t ate much for lunch, so he dished out food. I hoped Steve was right but at this point I knew something was very wrong. We sat down and Caden refused to eat and said his belly hurt once more. At that point it was enough and with dinner still sitting on the kitchen table we threw the kids in the car and headed to the hospital. It had only been an hour since the first “my belly hurts” and the decision to run out the door and I knew - I knew it was something serious and I was confident he was going to need surgery. I didn’t know for what but I could tell by his cries that this wasn’t something that was going to go away.

We checked into the ER and Caden was crying at this point saying over and over how his belly hurt and it was getting worse. I started shouting to get someone and do something as I tossed out his information and my ID - they had a nurse there right away and we were brought into a room. At that point Caden was screaming and rolling on the floor he was in so much pain and I just paced the room not being able to do anything for him - he didn’t want to be held, he didn’t want to sit down and there was nothing we could do. Each minute that passed I paced and panic welled up in my chest, begging for someone to realize that he wasn’t throwing a fit, that he was hurting. The minutes passed like hours until finally they got nurses and the doctor into our room. And then he started throwing up. At first I thought maybe the fact that he was crying so hard made him throw up… but then a few minutes later he started to throw up bile.

I told the doctor of the nights event as quickly as possible while trying to comfort my little boy as he wiggled and cried out in pain. The doctor made mention of a possible intussusception of the bowel and I just begged them to help him. Nurses came and phones rang and I just looked for support where ever I could find it. I’m not a deeply religious person but I called out for prayers for him. Parker sat in his car seat staring out at the flurry of activity around us, quiet and calm, as Steve and I draped ourselves over our little boy to help multiple nurses hold him down for the IV. He screamed in pain from the needles, in pain from his stomach, in fear of it all. I placed my cheek to his and whispered to him, terrified but calm. They finally got the IV in his arm and he was so tense that it blew and we had to do it all again. Finally they got the IV in his hand and he was given Zofran for the vomiting and morphine for the pain. He finally had relief and fell asleep from the pure exhaustion of the past two hours.

My mom came to help us after she had just got off a flight hours earlier from California. She came just as it was time to take Caden into ultrasound. She and I stayed by his side while Steve waited for us in the ER with Parker. I walked along side that big hospital bed carrying the exhausted body of my sweet little boy and I was numb. We went into a dark room and the tech would hardly even speak to me and I just wanted to know - please, please tell me if you see something, anything - a nod, wink, I won’t tell I promise. I could tell by her face she did, I could tell something was wrong. She left and got the radiologist who didn’t have the best bedside manner when dealing with distraught mothers but finally he spoke up. Caden did have intussusception of his bowel. There were xrays done and we were taken back to the ER room and I nursed Parker while we waited for the next step. Looking down at my sweet little baby as he nursed gave me peace if only for a few short moments.

The doctors came back and told me they were going to do a barium enema on Caden and that often this resolved the intussusception in most cases but first they did a regular enema to try to clear him out to give the procedure the best chance of success. They gave us a percentage - was it 85%? 70? In the end it wouldn’t matter. My mom had taken sleeping pills before this all happened and tried to throw them up as she left to come but couldn’t. It was late and we told her it was okay to go home and my mother in law was on her way.

People came back to the room, Steve stayed with Parker and I went with Caden again - I was alone now. First there were more xrays and then we were brought into another xray room for the procedure. Everything would be done under live xray so that the radiologist would see immediately if the procedure worked, or if there was a perforation of the bowel which was a risk. I maneuvered around the xray equipment and cradled his head the best I could and he was just so, so uncomfortable. I prayed, I begged and I pleaded to please, please let this work. But as the minutes passed and the conversations regarding what was happening went on I knew it didn’t.

The intussusception was in Caden’s small bowel and the enema usually worked when it was in the large bowel, where intussusception most commonly occurs. Intussusception in a child Caden’s age was already rare enough, to now see it where it took place was even more so. The procedure failed and there was only one option left.

Shortly after we were wheeled back into our ER room the surgeon arrived to talk to us. He took a detailed history of everything from Caden’s health (which wasn’t much, he has never even gone to the dr for anything other than well baby exams) to my pregnancy with him and aspects of my health history. And then in a blink of an eye we were winding our way back through the halls of the hospital and up to surgery.

The time was 1am and we were the only ones there so we were allowed to stay with Caden while he was prepped. Everyone was so kind to us. The nurse, an older woman who would cross our paths once more, let Caden call her Grandma. All too soon the time came to say goodbye to my son. Every kiss I gave him led to one more, I didn’t want to let go, I wasn’t sure if he knew enough how much I loved him, but then I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I do and that’s okay. When Caden was a baby every day I woke up I was always amazed that I loved him even more than the day before. And when I thought I couldn’t possibly love anyone or anything as much as I loved him, I’d wake up the next day.

We were led to the waiting room and given warm blankets - everyone was cold but I was sweating. I paced the halls a few short minutes and then grabbed my keys and ran to the car. We only live 5 minutes from the hospital so I ran home to grab the things we’d need - Some extra diapers for the baby and his detachable bassinet top, Caden’s blanket, clean clothes and toiletries for us. I made my way through the halls of the empty hospital, twisting and winding past locked doors as I tried to make my way back to the ER. I ran into a nurse in the hallway who offered to escort me through all the locked points - She asked if it had been a long night and I made mention of my three year old son. “Oh, you’re Caden’s mom!”… everyone was already beginning to know who we were.

The streets were empty and it was raining. I turned my stereo up as loud as I could manage in an attempt to try and drown out all the voices in my head. I raced around the house to gather what we needed, tossed everything in the car, and raced back. By the time I made it upstairs I had just missed the call saying surgery hard begun.

We waited.

The lights of the family waiting room had all been turned down, the large television hanging on the wall was off, rain fell quietly on the windows. No one walked by, no one was there. The ventilation system hummed and seemed to echo in the halls and we made small conversation. The phone rang again - they were just finishing up and someone would be out to talk to us soon.

Doors opened and the surgeon walked out and smiled at us. I stared at him… at the man who just finished cutting into my child’s small body and I wondered, did he know? What did he feel and think as he did it? Did he know just how much that little boy meant to me? How special he was? How loved he was? Of course he could never fully know, but I prayed those thoughts crossed his mind.

Caden had something called a meckel's diverticulum. I could explain it but at this point it is easier to link, and that was the lead point that lead to the intussusception. The surgeon explained this to us down in the ER, that he had suspected it due to the location of the intussusception and Caden’s age and we were all relieved to find an answer, a reason… it was removed and thus the intussusception was less like to reoccur. They also removed Caden’s appendix since they were in the neighborhood I suppose is the best way of putting it.

Before long we were beside caden’s bed again, walking through the locked doors of the pediatric unit and into his room, one we would know too well. MIL had gone home as it was 3am and she had work in the morning. I sat and watched my little boy sleep, I held his hand, I kissed his face. I went over papers and intake with the nurse, Amy. We had made the decision earlier that evening that it made the most sense for Steve to spend the night at the hospital with Caden and for me to go home with Parker since he needed me to eat and his own bed, but oh did it hurt to walk away. And for the next several nights it was our routine - I’d tuck Caden in and wait for him to fall asleep, sneak down the elevator and out the front doors of the hospital, get home in time to try to clean up some of the damage from running out so quickly that Friday night, do a bit of laundry, and try to sleep a few hours before getting back before the doctors made their rounds.
That night I got home at 4am. Parker slept peacefully while I started into the darkness - every word from multiple doctors replaying in my head over and over until I finally drifted off.

Caden went into the ER Friday night and the surgery was around 1am Saturday morning. There was hope we could go home by Monday afternoon but there were set backs. When he was started on water he eventually threw it up. When he made it to soft foods, he eventually threw it up. There was a diaper filled with blood after his first bowel movement. We walked the halls a lot and played in the toy room. Caden had plenty of visitors and his room filled with toys and balloons. On Monday he was even able to go down to the lobby to see Raleigh, one of the therapy dogs. The routine continued and we made sure he was never alone. Steve was there all night and we were both there all day except the few times Steve ran to the office for a few hours. Our family helped us out, staying with Caden while we’d run down to the cafeteria to eat. Parker stayed with us and I know it helped Caden that he was there - he would ask to see Parker in the morning and snuggles with him all day long. People commented on how well we held it together and only once did I really break down. Saturday night after Caden started to throw up again - We turned on his Curious George movie and as the music started I flashed to images of him at home, where he should be, and excused myself to the bathroom and cried and cried. After a minute or two I composed myself and joined everyone else.



Sunday was rough - Caden woke up wiggling and crying out in pain. I demanded he have another ultrasound and just as I did the surgeon called to say he wanted testing just to be safe. I sat in the wheel chair and Caden crawled into my lap and placed his head on my chest and despite how big he has grown he fit perfectly in my arms, just as he did when he was a baby. We were wheeled into Xray and images started flooding my mind - him as a baby, with his big gummy grin smiling back at me from our front lawn. His chubby thighs and bright eyes, his bald little head. Image after image they kept coming and I silently cried.

Everything looked fine on the xray - in the end we believe the pain was from Caden holding his urine in and his bladder pressing on everything. The surgeon told us that after abdominal surgery sometimes kids did that - associated the pain with anything going on in that general area. He finally went to the bathroom and everything was okay.

Caden slowly got better, kept liquids then foods down. He was happy and loved to play and walk the halls, saying hello to everyone he met. Late in the afternoon on Wednesday, March 17th we were released. And for 5 days everything seemed back to normal. We played, we had fun. We moved to put this all behind us.

Monday, March 22nd
Once again the day started out completely normal. Morning turned into afternoon into evening into night and I tucked my boys into bed. Steve was out and my neighbor had come by and we chatted. She headed home and then around 11pm I heard a cry from down the hall. Please be the baby, please just be a hungry baby. Parker was fast asleep in his bassinet beside my bed.

I walked into Caden’s room and he was tossing and turning as he whimpered in his bed, “My belly hurts”. Three little words that will strike fear into all of us for a long, long time. I crawled into bed with him and scooped him into my arms and rubbed his head as he fell back asleep. But after a few minutes the wiggling would start again and he’d cry out once more. Again he’d settle down only for the pain to return and as it did I could hear his stomach gurgling and churning. I got up and stepped into the hall and paced nor sure what I should do and he threw up all over. My first thought was to take him to the ER so put Caden in the tub and called my neighbor. She heard Caden crying in the background and came running over.

Once Caden was cleaned and in new jammies he seemed to be doing better. I placed a call into the pediatrician and when the on call doctor called back he thought what I was hoping, a stomach bug, and suggested I watch Caden for 24 hours. Caden started to cry out in pain again, not as bad, but hurting. And then he threw up once more.

I buckled Caden into his car seat and showed my neighbor where my frozen milk was and how to thaw it so she could stay with Parker. Steve was on his way home and instead would just be meeting us at the ER. When we got there they were in the middle of a shift change so we waited. And Caden threw up more, and cried out more, and they brought a nurse to bring us in immediately.

Once again Steve and I found ourselves draped over our sons body as the placed another IV in his left hand this time. Once again he was given zofran and morphine and Caden perked right up! He laughed and played and was happy as could be. Steve and I even giggled at how silly he was being.

We were originally told they would be doing a CT but they later decided to use the CT as a last resort due to the increased radiation. We found ourselves back in an ultrasound room and for my xrays - if they showed anything then we’d continue with the CT. Everything looked okay on both exams but Caden was admitted anyway for observation. Seeing how great Caden was doing now and that those images were all clear I started to think it was just that, a stomach bug.

None of us slept that night. Steve went into work straight from the hospital, I went home, showered, grabbed Parker, and headed back. Caden woke up in a terrible mood after only a few hours of sleep. His white blood cell count was up so they wanted a urine analysis and had a collection bag on him. He refused to pee in it - he’d rather let his bladder explode before he was going to pee with that thing on him. He was in pain because his bladder was so full again and the surgeon was talking of the CT. I was scared of the radiation after what I’d been told and asked if they could promise me nothing bad would happen due to the radiation, “we would like to avoid a CT if at all possible” was the only response I was given, not reassuring in the least. He would also need to be sedated.

I told them to take the urine collection bag off and they did since they would just cath him while sedated. They took it off and caden emptied his bladder and all was right with the world. He was calm, pain free, and wanted to watch George and asked for a popsicle. Since he was doing so well I asked that we hold off on the CT and just observe him, see if the pain returned or if he threw up. Everyone agreed. In the end I wished we had done the CT right then, but hindsight is 20/20.

Caden did great - he ate Popsicles, he played, he bounced off the walls and ran around the floor. He drank and ate popsicles. Wednesday morning the surgeon rounded and laughed at how energetic Caden was as he jumped up and down excitedly and played with his monster trucks. “sometimes we never know why these things happen and they resolve themselves - he looks great and I see no reason he can’t go home as long as he eats and keeps it down”.

Caden asked for Mac and cheese and excitedly ate it all along with a banana at 11am and around 1:30am with him still completely normal, we were released. We thought it must have been the stomach flu and we walked out of the hospital.

As we walked out of the hospital into the beautiful spring day, Caden gripping the stroller happily and Parker smiling up at me, I was uneasy. I knew it wasn’t over, something wasn’t right even though Caden seemed perfectly fine. The drive home I went over everything in my head - how could it be the stomach flu? He had no other symptoms, nothing. I didn’t call anyone to tell them we were home, I didn’t update face book or another site I’m on. I said nothing because I just had a feeling.

We were home an hour and the phones were ringing and that is when I told people he was home. At around 3pm he said those three nasty little words… My belly hurts. He’d say it, then would be fine and play. He wanted to go outside, he wanted to watch George. And then he’d say it again.

I called the pediatrician and they suggested that I just bring Caden in with me in the morning since Parker’s 2 month well baby was then anyway, a rescheduled appt after the first surgery. I talked to our family about it - maybe its just gas, maybe its just attention. Maybe, maybe, maybe… I tried to believe but I knew. Us moms, we always know and should there be a lesson to be learned in all this I fully believe it is to trust your intuition.

Steve was at work and was about to head home when I told him. The tone in his voice dropped. When he got home Caden was still saying his tummy hurt, but it wasn’t like before, not as bad. Steve got home from work and made us a quick bite to eat. Caden crawled into my lap and fell asleep. Eventually he crawled to the other side of the couch and slept for an hour or so, I wish I could say this brought any of us relief but I could see his face wince even as he slept. I placed a call into the surgeon on call and he called me back at 7:30pm and we talked. While we were talking Caden woke up and he could hear Caden cry out in the background. At that point the surgeon suggested we bring Caden back to the ER for the CT scan - it was still early in the night and if nothing else we’d have some peace of mind.

Steve put Caden in the car and took him back to the hospital while I got my neighbor and settled her in with Parker. Steve called telling me to bring some clothes and something to clean up the car - Caden threw up all over.

I raced back to the hospital to meet them there in disbelief.

I was immediately led back into the ER to Caden and Steve - everyone there knew us. Even the doctor, who hadn’t been involved in Caden’s care, was aware of him due to the meckel's diverticulum - I guess word got around. At one point I paced the hall and saw a familiar face - I recognized her but couldn’t remember from where. Thinking about it we believe she was the woman who performed the 2nd ultrasound and was much more kind and helpful than the first. She smiled and said hello and then realized where we were and just walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me.

Once again Steve and I were draped over Caden as they placed another IV in him - this time in his arm as he still had the holes in his hands from the pervious IVs. He was given zofran again as he was continually throwing up bile and then they sedated him for the CT, expecting him to fall asleep. The nurses were all shocked when he never did. Steve and I held his hands and kept him calm during the procedure and we got the images that were needed. When we made it back to our room in the ER Caden was up and happy - he seemed fine and asked for drinks he couldn’t have.

I paced the hall as I talked on the phone, keeping concerned friends and family updated as to what was going on and the glances on the face of the ER staff grew more concerned. Our main nurse walked into the room and I asked if they had read the CT and she said yes. I knew she couldn’t tell me anything but I asked anyway. She knew we had been through the ringer and wasn’t going to make us wait and told us - Caden had a bowel obstruction and the surgeon was on his way.

The ER doctor came in and explained everything to us but of course his answers were limited. Before long the surgeon walked in and explained everything to us - he would try to do everything laparoscopically and his hope was that it was a simple adhesion that would just need to be snipped and that would be it. I signed the forms stating that but with notes and knowledge that he could have to be opened up this time and that there was the possibility of a bowel resection. And then we began to wind our way back up to the OR.

Caden’s 2nd Surgery
It was like a terrible nightmare replaying itself. The same nurse from the 1st surgery met us in the hallway and Caden remembered her and greeted her with a friendly “Hi Grandma!”. Again it was the early hours of the morning by now and the OR was empty so we were allowed to stay with Caden in pre-op. Despite being awake and alert this time Caden was calm, like he understood. The time came to say goodbye again and I found myself holding and kissing him, hoping, praying it was enough - for him and for me.

Instead of going to the waiting room this time we went to our cars - I was becoming engorged and needed to pump and Steve would move the other car to the accessible entrance from pediatrics. I raced home and checked on Parker and pumped. My neighbor assured me not to worry about her and to just get back to the hospital. I raced back on the empty streets, the music up once again but this time it didn’t work and my mind wandered to images of my child’s body on an operating table.

The elevator doors opened into that familiar waiting room - the lights once more turned down, the halls empty, the hum of the ventilation system… Steve had turned the TV on this time though. Steve told me I had just missed a nurse not even 30 seconds before giving an update… we had hoped the surgery could be performed by lap again but they had to open him up. I can’t remember if it was then or later we were told, but they also had to remove part of his small bowel. It was 2:30am.

Steve laid down on a chair and I paced the halls, changed the channel on the TV, sat in chair after chair. Finally I sat and rested my head against a window and peered out at the cars below as it started to rain. I then laid my head down on a chair and stared at the OR doors, begging them to open with news, only glancing away to look at the clock. Surely by 3:30am we’d have another update.

Every noise jolted me - a door opening, Steve coughing. 3:15am came and nothing. Then 3:30am. I sat up and shifted in my seat, the anxiety was building inside of me. Finally 3:45am approached and nothing - I frantically paced the halls, looking for someone, anyone, and nothing. I sat back in my chair and I under the weight of everything I just broke and started crying hysterically, gasping for breath. Steve raced over to me and wrapped his arms around me but I was inconsolable, I just needed to let it all out. I regained composure, caught my breath, and the doors finally swung open.

The surgeon sat down beside me, took my hand, and smiled as he spoke. “the first thing I want to tell you is that Caden is okay, he is fine and did great”. He explained to me what happened, that as the bowel healed from the first surgery a closed loop was formed. He was able to untangle it laparoscopically but did not feel comfortable leaving it - the bowel was so inflamed he was sure if he left it we would find ourselves back in for a 3rd surgery so he made the decision to open Caden’s abdomen and remove that section of bowel. He told me that Caden would be fine and would continue on with his life just as he did before surgery, nothing had to change. And he promised me that this was the end of it, this was the last surgery, and that we could see him soon.

A few minutes later the nurse from pre op, Grandma, came by on her way out to see us. She was so kind and we were so thankful for her - Caden felt safe because she was there. She told me I needed to sleep, I must have looked a mess. She told me to get home and get some sleep before Parker needed to eat but I couldn’t leave without seeing Caden. She smiled and said okay, lets go. She brought us through the locked doors and told the recovery nruse we were coming even though we weren’t supposed to be back there, and everyone was okay with it. We walked around the corner and there was Caden sleeping on that hospital bed, monitors beeping and a kind blond nurse standing watch at his side - I smiled in gratitude though I don’t know she realized how important she was to me. She stood by my baby’s side and watched over him when I could not.

I wanted to be strong and I didn’t want to cry even though Caden wasn’t awake. I laid my head down and rested my face on his warm, soft cheek and just breathed him in. He was okay and that was all that mattered but it was so hard to see him like that. I whispered to him over and over again how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how he was everything to me. I lifted my head off his and wiped away the pool of warm tears I left on his cheek. Steve grabbed my hand and as we walked away I saw the recovery nurse wiping tears from her face. It helped to see that, to see that Caden was just as special and cared for by all the people around him. That he wasn’t just another body cut into. And that he was truly cared for when we were not allowed by his side.

Recovery
Overall recovery was easier the 2nd time around though slower. He never threw up, no blood soaked diapers. The first day was so much harder through. He was on Morphine and slept most of the day away and because he was on the morphine he was on extra monitors that he didn’t have before.
We went much slower this time with introducing food and liquids, giving his bowel plenty of time to rest. By the time Saturday rolled around he was a little beast and understandably so. The constant blood draws and poking and prodding and being tied down to IV poles - but really he was so hungry. One of the nurses felt so bad she allowed him to eat 5 cheerios and his attitude completely changed. Caden was the only patient on the pediatrics floor for a lot of our stay so he got all sorts of extra attention. The nurse offered to take him on a walk one day so I could grab a quick bite to eat and he went to the lobby and got to play the piano. All of the nurses were absolutely fantastic and we would have been lost without them. I only hope they know just how special they were to all of us and how much they all helped us get through this.

Monday he was finally allowed to eat regular food and got breakfast, lunch, and dinner and kept all of it down. By Tuesday morning his white blood cell count had returned to normal and we were discharged that morning.


It has been almost two weeks now since Caden was released and he is currently climbing the couch and sliding into a pile of pillows he stacked up with a proud “tada!“ followed by skipping down the hall to play with his toys. He lost a lot of weight in the hospital but as started to gain that back. When we first got home you could feel his ribs through his shirt when you rubbed his back but already he has gained some weight back. Things are normal, but I know that doesn’t mean much. Leaving the hospital that last time, it did feel right though. Steve and I took the boys on a walk, Parker’s first finally, and just enjoyed being home, together. We’ve celebrated Easter and played with toys and are settling back into that sweet routine I smiled at in the morning hours a month ago.

The best part of all is that Caden is on his way to making a full recovery. That he is back to his energetic, playful self. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. And while we still are watching him with a close eye and late night whimpers and the words “my belly hurts” brings on anxiety like steve and I have never known, we are moving past this and I am, without question, forever grateful, thankful, and blessed.

Merry Christmas!

I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas even though this year found me exhausted, often crabby, unable to walk well or move at times, begging for the energy to even wrap presents, etc. Even so, I still find myself sitting here in the last hour of Christmas night, listening to the last carols play on the radio in an otherwise silent house, sad to see it go.

I love Christmas - it is my favorite time of year. I love fall so much as its leading to now. I love the snow, the cold, the hustle, wrapping presents, baking, our tree and lights. I love gathering with family and anticipation. I never imagined I’d be so extremely exhausted at the end of pregnancy though and didn’t do very much of that at all this year and I feel a little sad that I missed out on some things. Luckily I have a pretty fantastic husband who helped me clean the house and bake the last of the cookies last night and did quite a bit in regards to cooking dinner tonight and cleaning it all up so I could lay down and shut my eyes.

I assumed that since I didn’t have the energy to get as into the holidays this year as those past I wouldn’t be quite so sad to see them go.. But I was wrong. Even without the energy to do everything I normally love… this Christmas was the best ever. Caden was so into opening his presents and just so filled with excitement and happiness over everything and my second son, the one I wished so deeply for this time last year, rolled and bumped inside of me… cookies and pretty tags and bows just didn’t matter.

Last night we went to my mom’s to celebrate with her, my brothers, and their families. The boy’s were quite spoiled - Grandma really goes all out. Caden was so into opening those presents and just couldn’t wait to get his hands on the next - and it wasn‘t even about what was inside.
When we got home I let Caden open one of his presents - a pair of snowmen jammies (4T btw). He opened the present and exclaimed with all the excitement he had and ever so genuinely, “A BOX!!!!!”. After he opened the box and shouted with just as much enthusiasm “Snowmen!”, Steve helped him put on his new jammies - you’d have thought they were painted on. Poor kid, he looked hilarious! That was a big fail but even so he didn’t mind. Steve put him to bed (in a pair of properly fitting, though less festive, jammies) just in time for Santa to come and fill beneath our tree and Steve and I finished up some last minute prep for guests Christmas night. We took out our camcorder to charge the batteries, the video from last Christmas still inside (I tend to use my camera more than our camcorder even for video - a habit I wish to break) - he has grown so much in one short year. I try to take every bit of this time with him in and lock every detail away in memory but no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend just how quickly he has grown.

Christmas morning came and I loved hearing the excitement in Caden’s voice this morning as he stepped into the living room, looked at the tree and all the presents waiting and exclaimed “presents!!!” He happily sat and waited while Daddy made our traditional Christmas breakfast of cinnamon rolls and then he got to dive in. He was so genuinely excited about every thing he opened - the first being his little brother’s presents (just in case). Parker got a pretty new bouncer and when Caden tore off the paper he turned and looked at me with the happiest face and shouted “A baby!!!!!” He didn’t realize just how correct that statement was.. However Parker is the one deciding on when to make that arrival.

It was just a wonderful morning watching the joy in his little face over every little thing. Steve, I mean Santa, brought him a race track that shoots his disney cars around in loops and the look on his face when his Daddy started it up for the first time was priceless. “OH WOW!” he shouted as he laughed.
Mom and Dad were spoiled as well of course and I love everything I received… but it just doesn’t compare to how happy Caden and Parker have made me this year - and I know Steve would agree.

I am without a doubt the luckiest. I am without a doubt blessed.

…………………………

Obviously we’re still waiting on the biggest gift of all this year - I think its safe to say he finally dropped over the past few days and my pelvis is sure feeling it. Steve is sure this week coming up, week 39, is the week but then my Dad was sure Parker was making his arrival Christmas eve and my friend was sure Wednesday (2 days ago) was the day. Myself… I have absolutely no idea. Part of me agrees with Steve, part of me thinks he is holding on until the new year. Hopefully soon because I don’t want to fight the section fight.

While we count down the days we have plenty to keep us busy - the focus now can turn to baby and getting the house ready - big stuff is done at least! Since we hosted a small dinner tonight a lot of the cleaning is done but the decorations still need to come down… I think I’ll go ahead and wait until new years day as I normally do - entice Murphy’s law to take effect and make me kick myself for not taking the tree down sooner, of course now that I said that….

A Big Brother and Final Preparations

Saturday morning we all woke up bright and early (well, earlier than I’d like!) to take Caden to his Big Brother class at the hospital. One of the main reasons I signed him up for the class was that it included a tour of the maternity section and such and I thought it would be nice for Caden to be acquainted with the hospital before seeing his Momma there for the first time. However, h1n1 restrictions have banned my little guy even though he poses no risk so there was no tour, and he won’t be allowed to see us while in the hospital after Parker is born. It is a policy that I find pointless and feel is detrimental to the well being of new mothers and families, especially when L&D is one area of the hospital that could easily screen for sick people rather than just banning anyone under 18, but that is a rant for an entirely different day. Hopefully our stay in the hospital will be short and sweet since Caden really isn’t going to understand being pulled away from his Mom like that. Anyway…

The class was nice - Caden got a big brother t-shirt and coloring book to take home and colored a picture that I’ll save. We looked at a book and had a snack while waiting for class to begin and then the nurses read all the kids a story. They went over how to hold the baby using dolls and went through various baby items and feeding - Caden was happy to exclaim “Paci!!” when it was presented - he hasn’t had one in a long time but the fondness remains. There was a puppet show and a slide show to take place of the maternity tour… who knows, maybe the restrictions will be lifted in time for Parker’s arrival but its doubtful. Finally Caden had a blast at the end running around and playing with the other kids.

I’m not sure how much everything actually prepared him for just how much his world his about to be rocked, but then I also think he does understand more than I give him credit for. The fact that Momma’s big round belly contains a little human being is such an obscure concept to even me that I don’t believe he could grasp it… but maybe I’m wrong. We talk about Parker a lot and Caden exclaims “Parker!!” when he gets a glimpse of my belly. He is happy to give Parker kisses and rubs and to tell us that parker is in the belly…. But sometimes Parker is in his belly, too, and sometimes he likes to check in with the doppler as well. We tell Caden that Parker is a baby and Caden loves babies and Caden will talk to my belly as he would a person “Hello Parker, How are you doing, Parker?” So maybe he understands more than I know. Of course how much he understands that this little being is going to come live with us in a few short weeks and Caden will have to share his Momma from now on is something I think will be a bit more difficult to accept. I don’t except the transition from only to big brother is going to go perfect and I’m sure Caden will act out… but I also think it will go better than expected and I know he is going to be an amazing big brother.

We’re slowly but surely getting things done around the house in preparation for Parker’s arrival. Caden has been in his big boy bed and the crib in the nursery for months now and Caden had not a single issue with that transition nor has he wanted his crib back. The nursery is painted and all the big projects done. With the exception of a gallon ziplock of baby socks that has gone missing, most of the laundry is done and organized. I still need to wash the crib bedding but my plan is to old off as long as possible due to the cats enjoying a snooze here and there in the crib. I still have plenty of small projects to keep me busy and tons to do for Christmas, but as long as the aches and pains and sniffles stay away I think I just might be able to get a lot of it done.

Last night Steve put the bassinet together and we rearranged some of the furniture in the bedroom to accommodate it. I still have some basic cleaning and organizing to take care of but should Parker decide to arrive earlier than anticipated, at least we have the basics ready to go.
Caden was quite interested in the bassinet at first but is now aware that it is for the baby - “it’s the baby’s bed! He goes Ni-night there!”. We still have plenty to do but I feel great knowing progress on the little things is being made.

Plans for this week include a nasty snow storm coming Tomorrow - I’m actually looking forward to it though I hate that Steve has to go out in in and I’m not quite sure how the driveway is going to be cleared - may have to wait for Steve to get home. Tomorrow morning we have our final ultrasound and a routine OB appt and I’m hoping to finally get in for my massage on Thursday. My mom is taking Caden overnight on Satruday and to a Christmas Party on Sunday - Steve and I are using this time to have a date night and to do my belly cast. And my general goals for this week include:

Finish sewing basket liners
Finish mini albums for Christmas
Hang photos in hall
Organize book case in nursery
Finish our bedroom and baby nook

I’m hoping this is the beginning of a renewed relationship with my blog. I made sure to take the photos, record the footnotes, and enjoy this pregnancy to the fullest extent, but I do regret that I didn’t record more of it here. The good news is that I did elsewhere so at least I have something. I’ve always had to much I wanted to say but didn’t give myself the time (or energy as it seems these days) to sit down and say it. I’m hoping that all changes. I have so many details recorded and saved from Caden’s birth and first days and plan to do the same for Parker. In an attempt to catch up I did spend a good chunk of yesterday morning updating our Maternity and belly pics and even included a handy dandy link on the left. Now to just keep up! As the snow blankets outside it feels like the perfect time to recommit myself ;)

Padded Rooms

Its been chilly and cool the past few days - it is starting to feel like fall and I love it. The mornings are perfect to bring Caden into bed and snuggle up for a morning cuddle. Shorts and tshirts have become pants and sweaters - slippers and socks are a must in the morning. Its perfect. However, I’m fully aware that as past would dictate we’re in for at least one more hot stretch, but for now I’m enjoying the start of fall.

We’ve been going on a lot of walks lately. Caden and I during the day, and the whole family, beagle included, in the evening after dinner. We get hot chocolate and just walk and talk - Caden loves to ride in his wagon and jabber about everything he sees. Its nice :).

I’m still waiting for Caden to slow down - I assumed as he got older and more stable on his feet the bumps and bruises would start to subside, oh how I was wrong. He might be more stable, but he is also more into climbing everything, running, sliding, chasing, tripping, not looking where he is going. Some days I just don’t know what to do with him though the thought to built him a padded room has crossed my mind. A week and a half ago as we walked out of the house to run some errands he was excited and caught the corner of the pillar under his right eye leaving a lovely bruise. He followed that up the next day falling on his toys and giving himself a true black eye. Those bruises are starting to fade, though still noticeable.... Yesterday I go get him out of his crib in the morning and now his other eye is black. The worst is I don’t have any idea as to where he got that one, never mind the fact that he looks like he was in quite the toddler playground fight :(. I wonder how much a padded room would run.. Or maybe it would be more cost effective just to make him a bubble wrap suit since we’re really running out of options over here.

In other happenings my day today is pretty much shot as I sit and wait for the call to go pick up our car - finally. Two and a half weeks ago Steve was running to the store when he was rear ended at a stop light - Caden was in the car. Thankfully everyone was okay but the car was not. $4,000 worth of damage, a new car seat that has traveled the country (don’t get me started on UPS), and 2.5 weeks later the car should hopefully be ready to be picked up this afternoon with a pretty new back end and a bunch of work done to the front (the car was pushed into a trailer hitch of the car in front). I’m just happy the guy who hit us had decent insurance and took 100% liability (not that there was ever any question). The insurance even paid for the new car seat. We were given a rental car, too, but I’m looking forward to getting our car back and being done with this mess.

Steve and I have also started a new family project. Stemming from previous issues though I really have no idea where we stand on that project, but it doesn’t look good. But progress continues and we’ll see where we end up - hopefully we have at least some sort of an answer soon. I did have a dream last night though, it was nice. For now thats all it was though.
I’m all over the place this morning as this entry would suggest! But thats how I’ve been feeling most of the last week or so. I’ve been feeling exhausted and I can only assume because so many projects are being left unfinished at the end of the day. At least I have our evening walks to clear my mind.

Hopefully once we get our car back and I’m not left wondering each morning if I’m going to have to drop what I’m doing to return the rental and get the car (it was supposed to be done last week) things will feel less hmm ;)

Everywhere you go

Dear Caden,
You’re 18 months old now and boy have we been busy! So much that I haven’t had time to write you (or anything really!) in quite some time. But 18 months warrants some time set aside from our day to write to you and as always, I’m wondering where the time has gone.
We’ve been so busy this summer – Daddy and I took you to the zoo for the first time back in May and you had a blast. Your favorite animal to see was the otter. It was a really wonderful day. We also had Swim lessons! You love the water so we knew you’d love the big pool and you did. We’d splash and sing and play… you loved to play humpty dumpty and practice kicking your feet. You love to run and jump and play, and you love to toss things in the pond in the backyard. You love your swing and ball pit, and you love your wagons. You love to play with your puppy, and you love your Mommy and Daddy. I love it when you run up to me and wrap your arms around my legs. I love you so very much.

Yesterday you had your 18month doctor checkup. You weigh 30.4lbs and are over 34 inches tall!! You’re going to be tall just like your Daddy. Everything went normal at first and I fully expected a routine appointment. Unfortunately, this appointment wasn’t. The doctor noticed a difference in skin fold on your left leg, and your knee looked lower than the other but it was hard to tell because you were squirming. Because of the 2 symptoms, the doctor wanted xrays done to test you for something called DDH (Developmental Dysplasia of the Hip). In infants this problem can usually be corrected with a brace, but by 18months, DDH requires extensive hip surgery, months of recovery, a scary cast… a terrible ordeal for any child to go through. You are such a vibrant little boy, you love to run and jump and climb and you are always on the go. I just couldn’t imagine this. I was devastated and I freaked out. Waiting for those xrays and waiting for the call after they were read had to be the longest 3 hours of my life.

While 2 symptoms is alarming… the family of ours who read this blog (and are old enough to remember) know what really sent my terror over the edge. I was born with DDH (though not called that at the time). I had to wear the braces as a baby but it was caught early and that’s all I had to do. So the 2 symptoms and the history really had me scared.

Finally I got the call - Your x-rays were normal, you do not have DDH. You are perfectly fine and healthy and I am so relieved and so very thankful.

You amaze me every day. You amaze me with the things you do and you amaze me with the love you’ve brought into my life. I never in my life imagined how I could love anything the way I love you, and amazingly that love doubles every morning I wake up and see your smiling face. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love any more, that my heart couldn’t be more full, I wake up and I do. I love the funny things to do, I love to watch you play. I love you, my little boy. Even when you’re getting into everything, or climbing the book cases, or throwing my laptop to the floor. I love you every second of every day, and I am so thankful that you’re in my life - here, happy, healthy.

As always I so look forward to what the next months will bring. Play dates and parties, pumpkin patches and Santa, trick or treats and turkey dinners, bed time books and lots of giggles. Oh how I love those little giggles and how I love those big belly laughs – they are truly intoxicating. Your smile still brightens a room, your laugh never fails to warm my heart. And everywhere you go you still bring smiles to the faces of everyone you meet. People still stop to meet you , to take in your smiles. And as always, I am so proud and so very thankful that you are my little boy.

I love you always,
Mommy

Happy Birthday

Dear Caden,
A year ago you were but a few hours old and your Daddy and I were still in awe that we created something so absolutely perfect and so amazingly beautiful. A whole year has passed since I first held you, since I first looked into your beautiful eyes, since I first counted those 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes... yet it all feels like yesterday.

This past year has most definitely been the best of my life so far - we've done so much together, learned so much about you, and learned so much about ourselves.

In just 3 months since I last wrote to you, so much has changed. You took your first steps at a little over 9 months old and started walking a few weeks later. We went on our first family vacation and you flew on an airplane for the first time, we celebrated our first Christmas together, and we rang in the new year.
You spoke your first word - "What?!" and you also learned to say Juice, done, and your favorite - Good! We got a puppy.. sometimes you have so much fun playing with her but others she is still a bit too rough for you.

As you'll learn, one year really isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, but in just this one short year you've already accomplished so much. We've watched and celebrated as you hit every milestone - rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking, your first teeth, your first everything.
In just your first year you've already flown on an airplane, visited 2 other countries, swam in the ocean, and you've taught me so much and through you I've learned so much about myself. You are such an amazing little man and words could never properly describe just how much you mean to me.

The years will pass and you will grow - one day you will look back at all the pictures taken this past year. You won't remember any of this and the chubby, bright eyed baby smiling back in photographs will be a stranger to you. But I will carry these memories with me for the rest of my life.
This past year has been amazing and so wonderful. Every day I am so thankful that you came into my life and I am so grateful I get to wake up to your smiling face every day, and stroke your perfectly chubby cheek as you sleep every night. And I am so looking forward to the next year and all the years to come. I'm excited to see what they bring and what life has in store for all of us.

Happy birthday my sweet boy. I love you always.

Mommy

365 Days (well, almost!)

We are getting things in line for Caden's 1st birthday party on Saturday and we're so excited! His party is going to have a blue/green theme with stars and polka dots. While Caden doesn't know what is going on, we know he is going to have a great time. He loves being around people and he loves being the center of attention so we're sure he is going to have a blast! Saturday also marks the big 30 for Uncle Neil!

Everyone always told me time would fly with Caden, but I never imagined just how quickly it would pass. Tomorrow marks 1 year since I went in to be induced, and 2 days later on the 24th (as most know!) we welcomed our little man into this world.
This first year has definitely been exciting, but I expect the 2nd year to be even more so. A year ago I thought this 2nd year would be familiar territory, but I am quickly learning it is almost as foreign as those first weeks almost a year ago.

Caden is mastering old skills and learning new ones every day. He is talking more and is quick with a "What?!" and knows Juice, Done, and his new favorite word... "Good". This morning when I went to get him from his crib I was greeted with "Good!! mom, mom Good!" as he ran around his crib and hugged his blanket.
Life with Caden is so much fun. I never imagined just how much fun it would be. He loves to play "Hide and Seek". He loves to chase Daddy around the house and he fills our home with laughter every day. We have always heard what a happy baby Caden was... and he is definitely quite the happy toddler!

Of course he is quite the active little one and loves to get into things... he is currently tearing up a piece of tissue so with that this entry comes to a close!

Steps...

Caden took his first steps about a month ago (9.5 months) but now he is walking all the time!! He has walked up to 10-15ft at a time so far and he is attempting to walk more than crawl now. The only problem is with the hardwood floors – he slips a lot but he is still doing so well! Steve and I are so proud of our little pook :) I’ve started working on his first birthday invitations. They turned out really cute but I need to decide how to go about printing them. I can’t believe my little baby boy is going to be one pretty soon.

The first 2 videos are from this morning…

And this video is from Friday...

And a new picture of our little pup...


She is getting SO big! You can’t really tell from the pictures but she is :) I feel so bad leaving her – she loves me and I know she is going to have a hard time with that. And I’m going to miss her – she is going to be huge when we come home
She is doing well with potty training still – She had 1 accident in the house yesterday and none the day before. She hasn’t had any accidents in her crate since the first night and she stays in there almost all night! I usually don’t go to bed until 11:30/12 so I’ll take her our before I go to bed, then the last few nights she has been sleeping until Steve gets up for work and lets her out (5:45-6am). If she wakes up and barks between then we’ll take her out, but lately she hasn’t been.
Yesterday while I was out running errands for our trip (I got 3 pairs of new cute shoes :) ) I also bought Ellie her Christmas stocking and a few little toys to put in it.
Ellie also went on her first walk Friday night! She is still learning to walk on a leash and I think she is more just staying with me than walking on the leash, but we went to the end out our street and back. Saturday Morning I took her on another walk and then I tried to take her last night but she didn’t want to go.
Things are getting in line for out trip – I’m nervous about leaving so close to Christmas and traveling with a baby but excited at the same time. I’m still nervous about flying for whatever reason, too. I’ve never been nervous about flying like this before – people keep telling me its because I have a child now. Today I am going to work on packing and getting things in line around the house.
I still need to run a few errands and I'm getting a manicure on Wednesday, but other than that I think most of my running around is done. I love the pair of shoes I bought to go with my pretty green dress but they KILL my feet. But after what I've gone through hunting for them, I'll deal. I don't think I've ever owned a more uncomfortable pair of shoes!

Tis the season

Well, the holiday season is almost upon us! With us leaving for that week before Christmas I've been rather busy trying to get things done in advance.

Christmas cards are ready to be sent out, shopping is done and presents are wrapped, our tree is already up (hehe), the lights are ready to be lit on the outside of the house... Exciting! Caden loves unwrapping presents and I have to re-wrap one. This actually makes me happy - now I'm even more excited for Christmas morning and watching our little boy open his presents!

Caden has SEVEN teeth now is number eight is ready to break through any day now - he has been a little more fussy than normal but I consider myself lucky - Caden teethes like a champ!

Caden also took his FIRST STEPS last week! He is 9.5 months old. He has been cruising along furniture for a while but these were official, not holding onto anything, first steps. He takes 1-3 steps at a time but his preferred method of transportation is still crawling.

We've been busy getting ready for our vacation, too. In less than a month we'll be on a beautiful beach in the Bahamas :D Followed by other beautiful beaches in the Western Caribbean. I bought a really pretty dress for the formal night and Caden got an adorable 3 piece suit. We've also started shopping and gathering all the necessary supplies. I'm nervous about everything, but excited, too.

Happy Halloween!

We had a fantastic Halloween! Originally we were just planning to take Caden to see friends and family in his costume since he was too young to trick or treat. In the end we decided to take him trick or treating anyway!
The weather was perfect - Cool but not too cold and the kids weren't too hot in their costumes. It didn't rain at all even thought the forecast called for the possibility of a few sprinkles here and there.
My Dad came by around 3pm to see Caden in his costume and we visited for a while. Shortly after my younger brother came over so that he could hand out candy while we were out. We get so many trick or treaters so I wanted to make sure someone was home. Around 4:30 pm trick or treating was in full force and our street was littered with all sorts of cute little ones in their costumes. Steve got home around 5pm and we fed Caden while we waited for my brother Neil, SIL Becky, and nephew Riley to arrive. They came over around 6pm and my Mom stopped by, too - she brought the kids a little toy and some candy. In the photo, Riley is the lion and Caden is the skunk ;).
We took the kids up and down our street... we were out for around an hour - Riley was on foot hence it took so long :) Everyone loved our little skunk and lion! By the time we got back to our house Caden was done and fell asleep in Daddy's arms.
We got home just before 7pm and ate dinner and just hung out for a little bit. By then Caden has woke up and he and Riley played for a while - Caden loves his big cousin and would follow him everywhere.

I'm glad we decided to take Caden tick or treating - I know he is too little to understand and all that but Steve and I had a lot of fun, too. It was fun to remember our own childhoods and make memories as a family.
This morning I took down a lot of our decorations... The larger things outside will Stay up until the weekend when Steve can help me. Then soon enough it will be time to put up our tree and all the holiday decorations and celebrate our first Christmas as a family of three... I can't wait!

9 months

Dear Caden,
On Wednesday you turned 9 months old. As with every day Daddy and I still are trying to figure out how time can pass so quickly. You are growing so big and so strong and we couldn't be more proud of you. You crawl, stand, cruise, laugh, play, dance, walk (holding our hands), "talk", chase kitties, bounce, and so much more. You have 5 teeth now - three on the bottom and 2 on the top.
You are such a funny baby. You make Mommy and Daddy laugh and smile a million different times every day. You announce the day by standing up in your crib, bouncing, and babbling. I walk into your room and greet you with a "good morning" and you squeal in delight as you smile, laugh, and bounce even more. Once you are changed and ready for the day you happily play on the living room floor while I prepare your breakfast and then we eat together - you love oatmeal. There is very little you don't like to eat... whenever Mommy and Daddy are eating you're are always eager to try a bite. You love cheerios and puffs and are eating more and more table food. Your doctor gave us the go ahead to start to increase all the different foods we give you and I know that will make you happy :).
Each day is different. If the weather is nice we will go outside play on the swing set Grandma gave you or we will go on a walk - you love to be outside. Some days we run errands and you are always such a good baby. You love going new places and everywhere we go you meet so many new people who love to play with you and see you smile. People always stop to say hello and say how cute you are - you love meeting new people as long as Mommy is near by.
Some days we go to Grandma's house and you visit with her and Riley... you always have so much fun and love to explore. Some days we just stay home and play just the two of us. When it is time for Mommy to clean or cook you always stay near by to lend a helping hand if needs be but usually you just play with all of your toys. You love your three kitties so very much and squeal and shout in excitement whenever they come into a room.
When Daddy comes home from work you always greet him with a big smile and crawl to him to say hello. We eat dinner together and you have such good baby table manners. After dinner Daddy gives you a bath and you have so much fun splashing in your tub - your favorite bath time toy is a purple tug boat. After your bath Daddy gets you dressed in your jammies and we all play for a while. You love to play "pookzilla", silly mommy, Ah-boo, patty cake, and you love it when we tickle you. Before long its time to go to bed and start our day again. You are such a happy baby and we hear that all the time from everyone we meet. A silly look on my face brings a smile to yours and a smile on your face never fails to melt my heart. I love you more than I ever imagined I could love anyone or anything in this world. Every day my love for you grows - you are my baby, my little boy, my life, and no matter how big you get or where life takes us you will always be my perfect little boy. You are perfect in every way and Mommy and Daddy, and everyone around you, loves you so very much. You will never be alone in this world, you will always be loved, you are so very special.

On Wednesday Mommy and Grandma took you to have your 9 month photos taken. Since we are going away for a week right before Christmas I had them take some holiday photos of you, too. And since Halloween is right around the corner we also took pictures in your costume. You did so well but you always do - you love the camera! You wore an adorable little sweater Mommy bought you and in some photos you wore nothing at all! I'm sure my collection of naked pictures will embarrass you when you are older but as of now you are quite the little nudist. You love running around and strutting your stuff - and your little baby butt is too cute for words. All of your pictures turned out so cute! Grandma also bought you an adorable winter teddy bear that you love to play with.On Thursday you went to the doctor for your 9 month check up. You weigh just under 22 lbs (21lbs, 15oz) and are 28-1/4 inches long. You are in perfect health and got your first dose of the flu shot and had your hemoglobin checked and you were tested for lead - both tests came back perfect.
Your first Halloween is coming up and we are excited about that - you are going to be a skunk and Auntie Becky, Uncle Neil, and cousin Riley are all coming over to go trick or treating with you. Grandpa wants to come see you in your costume, too. You look so cute in your costume. We are all looking forward to your first holiday season and have so many special days planned. We are also starting to gear up for your first big vacation! We are spending a week in the Caribbean in December and cannot wait to take you to the beach.
Well, I suppose I should wrap things up here. Happy 9 months baby boy - I love you more that words can describe.
Love,
Mommy

**The rest of Caden's 9 month photos will be uploaded to our website soon!!**

Adventures in the pumpkin patch

I love fall. Autumn is by far the best (and obviously my personal favorite) of all the seasons. To celebrate the change in seasons, on Saturday, October 13th, Steve, Caden and I went to the pumpkin patch! I knew we were going to have a great time but I never expected to have quite so much fun!

We went to a farm about 20 minutes west of town – there are two parts to the farm… an apple orchard and a pumpkin farm. They had already picked pumpkins available at the barn store but if you wanted to pick your own pumpkin from the patch you had to pay to get into “Scarecrow Acers”. We opted to pick our own pumpkins and we wanted to spend some time at the farm so we went into that section of the farm first.

They had so many activities! Caden isn’t quite old enough to enjoy most of them but he still had a great time… There were pony rides, hay bale mazes, peddle tractor derby, giant hay mountains to climb on, petting zoo, play grounds, giant sandboxes filled with corn kernels, rompin’ roundup where kids could practice with a lasso, hay wagon and tractor rides, Haunted forest, woodland walk, little corn mazes, and of course the pumpkin patch just to name a few.

First we took Caden to the playground where he got to play on a big wooden tractor. Next we took him to play in the giant corn filled sandbox – Caden loved it! Of course we had to cork him with his pacifier otherwise he would have had too much fun trying to eat the kernels, but he had a blast nonetheless. He loved digging his feet and hands into the kernels and was so fascinated by everything… we couldn’t even get him to look up for a photograph! Once Caden had had enough of the corn we headed over to the giant hay mountain… Caden loved playing in the hay even more than the corn! He laughed and giggled as he kicked around in the hay.

After all the hay kicking fun we decided to take Caden to the petting zoo and stopped at some of the many photo opportunities along the way. The petting zoo was really cute - They had little cows, goats, sheep, chickens, lambs, and even a fat pot belly pig. All of the animals were so friendly and the little goats were rather intrigued by the PookASaurus (aka Caden ;) ).
Once we had our fill of friendly little barnyard animals we washed up and headed into the Haunted woods – which were young child friendly of course! There were animated Halloween scenes set up and sounds so it was nothing too scary for Caden, though a cawing crow did startle me at one point. At the end of the haunted woods was the trail for the woodland walk that we would have gone on but there were steep inclines and strollers were not allowed. So, we had to pass that portion of the farm by.

After playing around the farm and getting a scare in the haunted forest we grabbed a little red wagon and finally made our way to the pumpkin patch. We wandered through the patch for quite some time trying to find just the right pumpkins. We selected two large pumpkins for our pillars out front and then a medium sized, perfect little pumpkin for Caden.

On our way back to pay for our pumpkins we stopped at the CornCrib Café for some hot apple cider while Caden snacked on some cheerios. We then headed to the barn store and Caden played with some of the already picked pumpkins – he loved touching them! Daddy saw these cute little stripped pumpkins and decided to buy one of those for Caden, too.
There was even a little station set up with water and brushes to scrub your freshly picked pumpkins clean… of course we forgot this part and at some point soon I need to give our pumpkins a little scrub ;)

At the barn store we also bought a half-peck of apples fresh from the orchard to bring home and then took our wagon to the scales to pay – our 3 pumpkins came to 70lbs! We had a coupon for a free small pumpkin so when we finished paying we got to select a little pumpkin from the big wagon outside the store. Steve picked out a perfectly round pumpkin with a long curvy stem.
We then headed to the car to drop off our pumpkin loot before heading over to the giant corn maze.

The corn maze was located on the other side of the farm and we had to walk past the orchard to reach it. As we worked our way through the farm and past all of the apple trees we saw at least 20 different varieties of apples – the majority of which we’d never heard off… (I didn’t know there were quite so many, hehe). We sipped our cider and decided we would definitely be making time for apple picking on our next trip but at least today we still got to bring home some fresh apples even if we didn’t pick them ourselves.
We headed over to the corn maze and were surprised yet again – we expected to walk around lost in the corn for a while but the farm incorporated many other activities into the maze, too. The theme for the maze was “Old McDonald’s Farm” and we were given a flag to carry that had our team name on it (we were the “Mad Mazers” with a red and green flag). The flag allowed us to signal and communicate with the people running the maze if we had a problem or we wanted to leave. Hidden throughout the maze were clues to a crossword we could complete and 9 mail boxes… in each mailbox was a puzzle piece. Once completed, the puzzle was the map to the maze. Once you completed the maze you exited by meeting Mrs. McDonald on victory bridge where you would have to sing “e-i-e-i-o” to leave. The maze had 2.5miles worth of trails and on average took 45 minutes to complete, and hour and a half-ish if you decided to find all the crossword clues and puzzle pieces.

We accidentally cheated and found Victory Bridge in only 5 minutes! There was a small path in the corn that wasn’t supposed to be there but we weren’t sure and took it anyway… it was a shortcut to the end. We were having fun so we decided to turn around, get lost again, and try to find our way out for real. We ended up getting quite lost among the corn stalks and before long my feet were killing me. 45 minutes later we didn’t find the true way out but I did manage to find the accidental cheating shortcut again so I decided that was good enough and took it, hehe.
Next year we are going to do the corn maze again but we’ll do that first next time. I have heel spurs and my feet were already hurting when we began the maze from all the time spent in the pumpkin patch! Even so we still had a lot of fun… Caden did too but he did seize the opportunity to take a short nap.

Once we winded our way out of the corn we made a quick stop at the orchard bakery and gift shop. They had such adorable crafts and decorations and the bakery smelled wonderful from all the fresh baked treats and pies. We decided to treat ourselves to some fresh homemade apple cider donuts… they were delicious! We decided to grab another cup of hot apple cider to sip on the way home and headed back to the car.

On the ride home we decided that we were definitely going to make this a yearly family tradition. I can’t wait to go back next year! We are going to make sure to go to the apple orchard, too, but we might make a separate trip for that. The maze and the pumpkin farm took the better part of a day and by the time we got home and ate dinner we were beat! We played with Caden for a bit, put him to bed, and ended up passing out on the living room floor for a little bit.

We have many more pictures posted on our website if you have the address!

Early

Caden decided to start his day a little earlier today- the joys of teething. I really cannot complain though. He goes to bed every night between 7:30 and 8pm and sleeps until anywhere between 6:30am (as the case today) to 9am. While the extra hour of sleep is nice, I actually enjoy getting up at 6:30... as long as I put myself to bed at a decent hour the night before.
The earlier start to our day gives us a chance to spend a little time with Steve and see him off for work - and despite being notorious for not being a morning person... I love the early hours of the day. I love the way the light hits the big oak in the front yard, the dew on the grass, the birds chirping, the calmness that only comes in the morning hours.
That calmness of course is a little different these days...

I used to love the Saturday and Sunday mornings I'd wake up earlier than expected. I sit and enjoy a cup of coffee, write, read, watch. Today I find my self in a similar routine as I sip my cup and write these words... but the silence and calm is something completely new. As any mommy surely knows, there really is no silence but the calm is still there. The light is bouncing off the oak, the birds are chirping, the grass is wet with dew, and my son happily sits next to me on the floor babbling, squawking, spinning toys, hugging his favorite dinosaur, and giggling in delight.

So much changes when you have a baby - Some things you expected, some things never crossed your mind, many things you never notice until the early morning one day. Your life just changes and you adapt and you wake up to realize that your life truly is not your own anymore.
Some of these changes, especially the expected ones, are easy... some are hard... but most are automatic.

I love being a mother, in every sense. I'd be lying if I said it was the easiest thing I've ever done but it is by far the most rewarding.

To my baby boy at 3 months

Dear Caden,

Its hard to believe that it has been over three months since I first held you in my arms, since I first heard your tiny little cry, since I first looked into your beautiful eyes. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and every day of the past 3 months have been nothing short of amazing. Every day is wonderful simply because you are in our life.
You are such an amazing little baby, our little miracle. You love to smile and coo, and Mommy and Daddy love when you do those things! Everyone does - your little smile has the ability to brighten every room and you have touched the lives of everyone around you. In your third month here there are so many things you are doing and enjoy now. You love to sit on Mommy and Daddy's lap and look around, you love when Daddy gives you little airplane rides and gives you your bath every night. We play a lot and you always squeal and coo in delight - it melts Mommy's heart every time. You love to snuggle up and take a nap or just look in our eyes. We love every thing about you.
Daddy is so proud of you, his little man. I don't think there is anyone on earth so in love and so proud as your Daddy is of you. Not a night has gone by that your Daddy hasn't looked down at you in his arms, smiled the biggest smile, and gone on and on about how cute and perfect and awesome you are.

Everyone is in love with you! Your grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins... Before you were even born Mommy had a great big shower and everyone brought you lots of presents and was already so excited to meet you. The other weekend you got to meet all of Daddy's relatives at your "Meet the Baby" shower. Again, you got lots and lots of presents but you stole the show. Everyone said what a good and beautiful baby you are (some even said you should be a girl you're so pretty, hehe). You had a lot of fun and so many snuggles. When it was time to go home everyone was already so excited to see you again and were talking about next time.
Over this past weekend we took you for a day out window shopping. You slept most of the time but everyone who passed smiled at you. Lots of people stopped and said hello, even other mommies stopped to say how cute you were. I love that about you - that not only do you bring joy to every day of our life, but you put a smile on the face of anyone and everyone you encounter.
Mommy and Daddy already bought you your 1st birthday present! Early, yes, but we know you are going to love it. You also came with us to pick out some flowers for our yard - We are going to plant a flower for you so we can watch it grow as you do.

I'm sorry I am a day late in this letter, I meant to write it to you on your exact 3 month birthday but we had a big day yesterday. You and I went to visit Grandma and play with your little cousin Riley. Riley came to visit you in the hospital with Uncle Neil and Auntie Becky but he didn't know what to think of you. In the months since he has still been a little weary of your presence but now he loves you just as much as the rest of our world. Riley is 20 months old and is looking forward to playing with you when you are older. He loves to give you lots of kisses - to him you are known as "baby!". When you would nap he would peer over to see you. Then the three of us (you, Mommy, and Riley) played outside in the grass for a little bit. You even got to cuddle and play with your Uncle Neil before we went home. You were all smiles all day and love when we go to Grandma’s, and she loves when you come to visit.

Mommy and Daddy still can't believe how fast the time has passed. We are so excited for all the days to come and the plans we have to do together. You are such a special, amazing little baby and I want you to always know how much you are loved. All those around you have loved you since the day you were conceived, and that will never change. Happy 3 month birthday my beautiful baby boy.

Love always (and then some!),

Mommy and Daddy

In the end

During the first trimester of my pregnancy I knew things could go wrong. I didn't let it inhibit my excitement over being pregnant and I didn't dwell on that but I knew nothing was promised. When I entered my second trimester I breathed a sigh of relief and when I hit 20 weeks I felt great. We had our ultrasound, baby was doing great, mom was doing great, things couldn't be better. Everything was perfect and I was so happy and so in love with my pregnancy (and my baby of course!). Not that I wasn't before but at this point everything was just wonderful - no more morning sickness, I felt great, and I was truly enjoying every aspect of my pregnancy.

Then 2 weeks later it all came crashing down.

When my blood pressure shot up I thought to myself "okay, I can deal with this". They had me do the 24 hour urine collection and I thought everything would be okay. I've always been healthy, I'm young, in shape, things will be fine. When the call came the next day that my kidneys were spilling a significant amount of protein (503) I felt like I was punched in the stomach. Then everything was just a whirlwind... bed rest, blood tests, extra appointments, at home blood pressure monitoring, etc. And every time a blood test or urine collection or whatever came back "bad" it was another slap in the face with how my body is failing me. How my body failed at this pregnancy.

I spent the last 4 months of my pregnancy on bed rest. Every extra appointment, test, collection, blood pressure reading - all of it was a reminder of how my body was failing me and my unborn son. When I was told to expect my baby premature it devastated me for about a day - then I was determined to make sure I did everything possible (not that I wasn't already), no matter the sacrifice, for the sake of my little boy. This is something I've kept up to this day and will continue to for the rest of my life, no matter what happens beyond my control.

The “bad” days were always brightened by a kick and a wiggle. I talked to my unborn son daily and marveled at how much I could love this little person who had not even been born. How he had the ability to turn a bad day good, to put a smile on my face, and to make all right with the world when he hadn't even taken his first breath. But even so the reminders of how my body failed us were still there in the background. Even though I was still carrying my son, he was doing well, and things could be so much worse, the thoughts were there.

When we made it to term those feelings let up slightly. Despite every obstacle placed before us, I - my body, still carried my beautiful little boy to 39 weeks. Then when Caden crashed during labor, I thought I was going to lose him and needed an emergency c-section the thoughts of failure came flooding back. When the quite of that sterile operation room was broken by the sound of my son crying nothing mattered. The stress, worry, tests, surgery, everything was worth it and has been ever since.

In the months since Caden's birth everything "bad" has melted away from daily life... but far back in my mind, hiding in a dark corner were the feelings of how my body failed me both during my pregnancy and the issues I face now. I regret that I wasn't able to enjoy my pregnancy 100%, that I failed at a vaginal delivery, that I failed at a healthy pregnancy.

Yesterday as I nursed my son I once again marveled at our love for each other, his ability to make me smile, to make the bad days good, and to make everything right with the world. His smile warms my heart in a way words cannot describe. I looked at his little hand as it grasped my finger and stared in his eyes. I can't believe how perfect he is and that he is mine. His 10 perfect fingers, his 10 perfect toes, his beautiful face, his amazing smile. I gazed at my healthy, happy baby boy and knew... my body didn't fail me and it didn't fail my son. Sure I might not have had the prefect pregnancy and I might not have had the perfect labor and delivery but here is my little boy, perfect as can be, and he is mine.