Thinking out loud and making plans

I’ve been thinking a lot about what comes next. I’m actually eager to go ahead and start Provera, because at that point at least we’re working toward something instead of holding out hope that maybe... Just maybe... I could still ovulate. Plus once I start Provera I’ll be that little bit closer to going away with my boys, and all three of us are really excited about that.

I think one of the more difficult aspects in all of this is the aspect of the unknown. We have no idea what will work, if anything. Despite having a child, we’ve never faced any of this before so this is all new to us. People tell me “You got pregnant once, you’ll get pregnant again” but the truth is no one knows that. Yes, I got pregnant once but I also wasn’t dealing with PCOS and was releasing an egg every month.

And I think that the fact that my issues did basically appear over night makes it harder for me. I can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong, that I did something to cause this. And in my head I go over everything again and again looking for a way to fix whatever I did so wrong. Looking for a way to make it all go away. Looking for a way to regain some sort of control once more.

So what comes next? I’ll call my doctor either on Tuesday or Wednesday and get my new prescriptions called in. 10 days of provera, hopefully not another 9 day wait for AF but who knows, then we’ll start 100mg of clomid and hope that does the trick.

As for me I’m going to do everything I can, however little that may be. I’m going to work on being more calm (haha, I know) and I think getting away for those few days coming up will really help. I already eat pretty well, something I made sure of once Caden was born (though he doesn’t see eye to eye with me on this issue), but I want to make even more improvements there. I need to read the insulin resistant book I bought a while ago but never got to. I want to start tracking my food again, too. And related I want to cement my workout routine and make sure I do a minimum daily workout instead of 4 days a week. With the weather hopefully starting to warm up pretty soon and daylight savings in just 2 weeks I should be able to start getting out for more walks. I’d like to work at least one short daily walk with Caden and/or Ellie (our Beagle) into the mix.

For hope I have some tricks up my sleeve I’ll elaborate more on later, heh. I’ll have been on Met 3, going on 4 months when this next cycle starts which is a very good thing. I’ve also been searching the internet and message boards for success stories - Stories from women who failed to ovulate on 50mg of Clomid but were successful on 100mg (or even 150, for future reference). So if thats you, Please share!!!

And I’ve started to make plans to move on. If 100 fails, I assume we’ll try 150 but beyond that I’ll be referred to a RE. I know seeing a RE will be best, but once we move on from my Ob/gyn so ends any penny of insurance coverage - including for testing, diagnosis, and even basic appointments. So staying with my ob/gyn is best for my pocketbook right now and I really love my doctors. But, just incase, I’ve called around for prices with local doctors on initial consultations, poured over websites, and already found a doctor I think we’ll be comfortable with. We’ve started saving for an injects cycle, since thats most likely where we would be heading next, but hopefully it won’t come to that. In the mean time I want to bring up the possibility of trying Femara again with my current doctor.

So thats about it. Like so much of this time is spent for all of us.... We wait and plan and cross our fingers. For now I’ll continue doing my lovely OPKs and keeping an eye on things.. Ya know, just incase...

As for the rest of the time I’m not peeing on sticks or typing in temps, you know... That time called life.... I have lots to do with the little man, the bigger man, our trip, the animals, catching up on scrapbooks (which will never be done), planning out or summer (I need to sign Caden and I up for swim lessons), and I really need to start looking into and gathering ideas for the vegetable garden I’ve been planning to plant the past 2 years.

Saturday Morning

This morning we woke up to snow for the first time in a while. I’ve been excited about this and am thrilled to have a blanket of white outside once more. A reminder that winter is still here, that another season hasn’t passed without so much as an egg.

But, considering its CD18 and still no signs of ovulation... I need to accept that winter will have passed by the time we try again. By the time I start provera for 10 days, and who knows how long AF will take to show up after that... Most likely we’ll be looking at early April for ovulation. Which, as long as it happens, fine by me.

The truth is I never expected this - not even with the crazy cycles and knowing something was wrong. I never expected to make it though the end of summer, fall, winter, and now heading into spring without so much as a freaking egg. I never expected to feel so defeated.

After we had Caden I made mention on several occasions how I actually wanted to TTC next time - to actually really try. We did have unprotected sex and knew the possibility on our honeymoon, whatever happened, happened but we really weren’t expecting to get pregnant (I had just finished my period). So for our second we wanted that chance - I wanted to hope and anticipate and actually try. I always made sure to cover my bases, or so I thought, and add in the “well, I want to try but only for a month or two! I still want to get pregnant right away...” Oh how stupid I feel now.... how I regret those words.

The truth of the matter is that I have a lot of regrets. I know the “cool” thing to say is that you have none, I mean really regrets are just pointless. But I do - I have so many and they hurt so much.

I regret the first thing I said when I got my BFP was “oh shit”. I was excited and thrilled but terrified.... After the honeymoon, since the timing was all wrong and we thought for sure I wasn’t pregnant... We decided to wait a year before TTC.

I regret not taking more belly pics. I have a few, and for those I am grateful. But I developed Pre-eclampsia at 23 weeks with Caden and my face swelled terribly. I didn’t even look like myself anymore so I tended to avoid the camera.

I regret not fully enjoying my pregnancy, even though that was really out of my hands. I never really complained a lot, not even through the complications. Sure I broke down over the worry, over the helplessness. I couldn’t wait to get him on the outside where I felt I could protect him more. And I had terrible sciatica and insomnia (don’t wish either on my worst enemy). And I guess this is less of a regret and more of a wish.... I spent the last 4 months of my pregnancy on bed rest. When I had my cute, round belly I was sitting on a couch waiting... I wish I could have been that beaming pregnant woman out and about, hands on her belly, smiling.

I regret not savoring those newborn moments more. I’ve taken almost (if not over) 10,000 photos of Caden in his 2 years. I remember every detail... I just wish I would have taken more time to just sit back and take in every single feeling and emotion. I wish I wasn’t so eager for him to sleep through the night or to get a little bigger. I miss my baby.


I realize that the truth is most of these are unavoidable. I couldn’t control my pre-eclampsia and I wasn’t about to jeopardize the health of my son (and myself) to go prance around and glow pregnancy goodness across the tri-cities. And some of those early days, with the 3 hour feeds and the postpartum hormones and the night sweats and leaking breasts.... Some of those days your goal really is just to survive. And I know that most likely those early days with our next baby will be spent longing for at least a few hours of sweat free sleep.

But I also know there are things I will do differently. Swelling or not I’m taking pictures and video.

Its easy to get lost in the sadness, to feel bad and regret. But I know that I did enjoy my pregnancy even from my couch and bed. Maybe not the way a normal, healthy pregnant woman would have, but I did. I say I don’t remember things but I do. I remember so well lying in bed at 3am with my hands in my belly feeling him kick and move and roll. I remember sitting on my couch and seeing my belly jump for the first time. I remember how it felt when he would push against my hand and I remember the sound of his heartbeat. It was all so amazing and I cannot wait to do it again.

.......

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like when I get that BFP again. Not enough to plan surprise announcements to friends and family or browse the newest maternity fashions, but I’ve been thinking about that day... About that feeling... That you’re on top of the world and nothing can bring you down. In a previous post I made mention on how I forgot how it felt to get a positive pregnancy test. I was wrong. Its hard to remember in this sea of hopelessness I’ve immersed myself in, but its still there. And for the first time in a while I can remember it and how wonderful it felt. And I feel like I might actually get to feel it again soon. I’m not sure why but I have hope... However fleeting it may be.

This cycle failed. I didn’t ovulate and I’m definitely not going to get pregnant. But next cycle might be the one that everything changes. I have a good feeling about the things to come for us. I have hope that 100mg might be just what we need. Now I just pray that I am right.

And I suppose this entry is a perfect example of how witting helps in all of this... To sort things out, to remember, to reflect. . To sit down on a Saturday morning not knowing what you wanted to say, to rant and ramble and bounce around, to sort though the negative and then to send it out and to find your way back to feeling at least a little bit normal.

So As the snow falls and winter still lingers, I’m going to close my laptop and enjoy a Saturday in with the funniest little man in the world....

Escape

Well here we are on CD 15 and no signs of O. Its still possible but for the sake of my sanity I’m throwing in the towel for this cycle. 50mg failed. Lets hope 100mg does the trick.
So now we’re back to waiting....

I’m going to give it until next week before I officially call this one and call my dr for a new round of prescriptions. Then we’ll wait for Provera to work, cross our fingers, and take a deep breath.
In the mean time we’re getting the hell out of here for a few days. In 3 weeks Steve and I are going to take Caden up to the Dells to one of the great big indoor water parks. Our room is booked, I ordered Caden some water shoes, Steve got new tires and an oil change on the car - so now I just need to pick up a few things, secure the animals and house, and count down.

We’re really excited about this - its something we started to plan when we first began TTC. We assumed I’d be pregnant and wanted to have one last little trip just the three of us. But I’m not pregnant, who knows if or when I will be, so no time like the present. And it is helping me keep my mind off yet another failed cycle. Well, at least a little bit.

The resort we’re staying at has so much to do and I know Caden is going to have a blast - he loves the water. And the best part is that I get several uninterrupted days with my 2 favorite men!

And I’ll most likely be on Provera when we go so at least I don’t have to worry about AF ;)

Easy To Forget

On one of the boards I post on there is a variety of trying to conceive forums. I tend to hang out on the PCOS forum the most. It doesn’t move as fast as the others and we’re usually taking about random chitchat, doctors appointments, intros and vents.

Every so often I sneak over and lurk the regular trying to conceive forum... Just to see what its supposed to be like. I don’t know why I do it, it surely doesn’t make me feel better. Things move much faster over there - so many posts about the 2ww, DPO, symptoms... Posts about AF staying away whereas on the PCOS board we wish she’d finally show up. And of course all of the bfp posts - light lines, dark lines, darker lines, betas, symptoms, congratulations.

I try to imagine what they are feeling - those women with the two pink lines. The excitement, the nervousness, the tears. I remember everything about the day I got my BFP with Caden - everything except how it felt. That whole week as I drove into work I wondered if I was going to need to pull over and get sick - and it was only a 5 minute drive. I’d stand at my desk and debate if I should sit down or go throw up. I assumed my stomach was just acting up again. Wednesday I finally gave in and went home early, Thursday I woke up feeling terrible and stayed home. Friday I wasn’t feeling much better and just couldn’t pull myself out of bed.
Thursday night I had a dream - one of those really vivid ones that takes a few minutes after you wake up to separate reality from fiction. In my dream I hunted down a left over pregnancy test in the linen closet form a “scare” almost 2 years prior - it was positive.

Once I finally crawled out of bed I did my usual thing, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down at my computer. While I wasn’t really thinking about it, I just couldn’t shake that dream so at 10am I got up, hunted down that same pregnancy test from my dream, and took it.

I remember the bathroom window was open - the sky was overcast and the ground was wet but it wasn’t raining for once - it had been raining all month, including on our wedding day less than a month before. The date was May 26, 2006. It was cool, but nice, and there was a soft breeze blowing much like today. I remember how the air smelled.... And I remember those two pink lines appearing almost instantly. I remember that I was shocked and surprised, scared and excited. I remember running down the hall into the living room and stopping not sure what to do. I remember calling my friend and her telling me to go get another test since the one I took expired the next month. I remember throwing on my clothes and jumping in the car. I remember buying the tests and, in grand fashion, 2 cans of cat food because I didn’t want it to look like I came to the store for just a pregnancy test (haha). I remember drinking as much as I could as quick as I could and testing again.... I remember every detail so well.... Yet I don’t remember what any of it felt like.

I still have that first positive pregnancy test. I took about 7 of them and saved them all for a while, but finally just kept the first. A few months ago, after yet another anovulatory cycle, I sat on my bathroom floor with that test - staring at those two pink lines. Trying to remember what was too easy to forget.

Random Babbling....

For those who haven’t heard, there has been a recall on prescription prenatal vitamins. Not surprisingly, the one I’m taking is on that list so today I had fun going though the motions to get the new prescription. I’m being switched to one that is more expensive but not by much so not a big deal.
As for why the drugs are being recalled - it seems to be hard to get a clear answer. My doctor’s office says from their understanding the pills don’t have everything in them that they are supposed to, or they don’t have the necessary amounts in them.
.......

Our weekend was great - Yesterday we did get a day to relax but Saturday we spent the day running all over. We had a few errands to run and prescriptions to fill first and then we headed a few towns over to hit up Babies R Us to find Caden a new stroller. Afterwards we met up with my brother and his family and took the boys to Rainforest Cafe - Caden was scared of the alligator and didn’t know what to think of the first thunderstorm but other than that he loved it. He thought the gorillas were so funny. We finished up the day with a run to Ikea. It was just a nice day. And even better yet it kept my mind completely off of everything going on.

Tomorrow we are going to head out to the mall once Steve gets home to walk around and test out Caden’s new stroller. We’ve decided we’ll just go out to dinner then, too, since we were planning to go out for Valentine’s day anyway. Everyone we know to baby sit is coupled so we didn’t even try to find a sitter and I don’t mind my little man tagging along - after all, he is my valentine too. On Saturday I want to make a special treat for the boys - I just haven’t decided what. Then we’ll either make a yummy dinner or order in. So much eating out recently = bad, but we’ve made good choices so its okay.

So far I’ve had minimal side effects from clomid - Maybe a bit more bitchy... Or am I just using clomid as an excuse?? ;) Its nice but of course it makes me wonder if the drug is actually having an affect or not. I guess we’ll find out in a little over a week or so....

My Beautiful Boy

We took Caden for his 2 year pictures today - they turned out well all things considered. I gave up on trying to get a bruise free picture and I learned that taking professional portraits of an always on the go two year old is considerably more difficult than a baby. The boy just wouldn’t stay still. Even the photographer just kind of sat there and said “I’m shocked he doesn’t have more bruises”. But he was having fun playing with all the props and the big basket of toys so who could blame him? And we did get some cute pics so mission accomplished. The upside is that I also spent a lot less. During Caden’s first year we took him every 3 months for pictures and I must say - I grew a damn cute baby. The bad was I had to have all the poses and would always walk out spending hundreds. This time, while all of the photos were still adorable (My cute baby turned into a pretty adorable toddler if I do say so myself) it was much easier to narrow it down. The best part was that we walked out of there with $85 worth of photos (4 poses) for $35. How I’m still not sure. Well, I do know, but it was quite unexpected. I had my typical coupon for one free photo sheet and 20% off my order. My self imposed spending limit for this session was $80 so I was going to be fine with that. But then we got an extra $20 off even when I told her she didn’t have to for a promotion we joined when Caden was first born but never got to use. Either way I was expecting to spend at least $80, so it was a very welcome surprise.

While we waited for our photos to be ready and all that fun stuff we took care of a little shopping as well. I was most decidedly due for a new bra and figured now was as good a time as any - and let me just say I love Victoria Secret’s Ipex bras.
I look young for my age - I always have, and I really hope I always will (ha). Some people (but not all) treated us poorly while planning our wedding because they thought I was 16. The looks I got when I was pregnant with Caden? Fantastic. I’ve even been carded to buy scratch off lottery tickets.
Anyway... While hunting down the just right bra (they moved stuff around on me!) I mentioned to the sales associate that “they just aren’t the same after pregnancy and nursing”... And they aren’t. The 23 year old sales associate looked away and shuffled a bit. Finally she asked... “if you don’t mind.. How old are you?”. I’m 26. A sigh of relief and a little giggle “oh, because you mentioned you had a child and I thought you were 15 or 16”. Mmmm, I was happy. A new bra and I can still pass as 16 year old mother. Not bad.

Side note: I don’t think I still look that young. I get it from time to time, but not as much as I used to. Must depend on the day.... And how well Caden is behaving that week ;).

After all was said and done we took Caden on the carousel and headed home.

.......

My appointment this afternoon was fine. I wouldn’t say wonderful as there wasn’t much that happened and I honestly feel a little robbed of yet another $20 copay, but such is life. My lab results were fine - exactly what you’d want to see from someone about to start their period. We didn’t end up testing my LH after all, which is the one I was interested in, but everything else looked normal.

I’m starting Clomid again tomorrow (CD4-8) since AF didn’t fully come on until Wednesday night. Originally I was planning to take the pill at night as women on other boards suggested doing so that you sleep away any nasty side effects. When I told my mom this her eyes grew wide and she was quick to let me know that there was no way in hell I’d sleep though a hot flash. I know there are other side effects but I’ve decided to take my chances and I’m going to start in the morning. Perhaps I’ll regret that choice later, but for now we’ll see what happens. I just want to get started.

So now we sit and wait - cross our fingers and hope, and oh do I hope, that this works. I’m trying to be optimistic without getting my hopes up too high just to be dashed down again, but that is easier said than done. I am so very hopeful that if not a pregnancy, we’ll at least get one good egg. Please.

Tomorrow I have a few prescriptions to fill and errands to run, but otherwise it looks like a very relaxing weekend - something I need.

To end this post on an adorable note... A few more of my baby’s 2 year portraits...

Bumps and Bruises

AF did show without doubt yesterday and I’m glad. I’m actually really glad as if I would have just spotted it would have left a cloud of doubt over this entire cycle... Well, a cloud that is darker than the one that is already here. And I am quite happy that she decided to show before I was scheduled to take my 2nd dose of clomid as that would have made an even bigger mess out of things, at least in my mind.

And the even more good news is that I did have a nice lining which means I’m not low in estrogen. The only “down” to all of this is the timing, that AF finally decided to show after the labs and after we decided to move on without her.

I’ll most likely start clomid again tomorrow (CD 3) or even Sunday (CD5), depending on what my doctor wants to do. My question is if I’ll just take the 4 I have left or get another prescription for one more. In all the talking I believe my doctor said one pill isn’t going to make a huge difference, but I’m not sure what exactly that was in reference too, and I’d personally prefer to take the full 5 - give us the best chance at this cycle as its already off to a funky start.

I still have an appointment tomorrow to sit down and go over the labs we ran and decide when to start clomid again. Right now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the labs are all the same as before, or even a little better. Just please, no unexpected bad results.

.......

In other non reproductive happenings tomorrow we also have an appointment after Steve gets home from work to have Caden’s 2 year pictures taken. We were supposed to get them done yesterday but Caden still has a small bruise on his forehead from last week. Its light and hard to notice, but I think it would show up in pics. Its getting better so I am really hoping it is gone tomorrow and we don’t have to reschedule yet again.
Caden is an extremely active little guy (and I mean extremely) so I’m well aware that bumps and bruises are part of the game - but he hasn’t had a mark on his face in months. But, with pictures coming, I knew one was sure to pop up.
........

My dog is driving me up the wall today. She is currently baying and going nuts at the mail man, which is fine. But every five minutes she wants to go out. Then she wants back in. Then she wants back out. Then she is sitting up on the back of the big arm chair where she knows she isn’t supposed to be. If she hears me get down... The fact that she knows is what drives me crazy. I guess thats just a beagle for you and she is pretty cute... Just in or out.

And finally, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been playing with layouts again. I like it! I am so ready for spring to come. I miss playing outside and going on walks... Once the heat of mid summer arrives I’m sure to be bitching once more, but for now.... I miss the flowers.

Where to begin....

The past two days have been interesting and exciting and once we thought we had things figured out, my body found a way to throw one last wrench into our plans. And at this point all we can do is laugh... and we did.

My appointment yesterday went okay - I sat down and spouted off all the things I researched and ruled out leaving only low estrogen as the culprit. The first thing my doctor said was “you had a nice thick lining at your ultrasound last cycle....”. I did, which is why I was so upset about all of this. I’ve always bled at least a little bit, on my own or with provera, so how my estrogen decided to tank all of the sudden had me freaked. And I was right that without estrogen, clomid isn’t going to work. So, we drew labs (E2, FSH, LH, TSH) and made an appointment to go over everything on Friday. In the mean time my doctor mentioned she was going to get a consult with a specialist outside her practice.

I got home at 1pm and was surprised when the phone rang at 2:30...
“I talked to Dr. So and so and wanted to let you know what he said......”

My original hesitation as to how my estrogen all of the sudden dropped wasn’t unfounded it seems. My dr (and the consult) agreed that they wouldn’t suspect estrogen just to drop like that and that it was elevated testosterone levels causing me not to bleed, not lack of a lining. In cases such as mine Dr. So and so (who got my neighbor pregnant (ivf) when everyone else told her it wouldn’t work, so I do trust him) said he has his patients start clomid on day 6-8 after provera (I was 8) since even though there was no bleed, everything did reset. It doesn’t make sense when I say it but it did when my doctor explained it to me. It could still be an estrogen issue... But in the end... It appears they were right, even without the labs.

So.... Last night I started Clomid.....

And this morning........

My period arrived.

Go freaking figure.
Right now its pretty light, maybe a tiny bit more than spotting. The current plan in hopes for best success at this point is to stay on clomid. If its just spotting my Dr doesn’t think its enough to compromise the quality of the lining. However, if I start to have a real flow the we’ll have to stop the clomid and start over in a few days.

I swear.... I’m really hoping she just comes full force today because this maybe sorta kinda AF is really messing things up! And if not with my body at least with my head ;)