Secondary

As I browse and post on message boards I see blinkies and banners declaring that Secondary Infertility hurts, too. And it does. It hurts a lot and no matter how many children you have, not being able to have another one when you and your partner so want it is going to hurt.

I can’t compare the pain of secondary to primary infertility because I’ve never walked in those shoes - Caden was conceived without issue, a surprise really. And I can’t say that one pain is worse than the other, though I do have my suspicious. I can say that secondary infertility is painful. Knowing my body doesn’t work the way it should, knowing that I might not be able to give my husband another child or make my little boy a big brother, the fact that I might not ever get to hold and nurse another baby, it all punches me in the stomach in a way I never imagined every time it pops into my head. I have hope that isn’t the case and I’m trying to be optimistic but even the hurdles we must overcome hurt. The row of prescription bottles lined up in my medicine cabinet, the medical bills, being up at 1am sick because of the medication (felling fine now though, woo!)... Its all a reminder and every single bit of it stabs at me. I try to find logic and reason as to why we’re faced with this while drug addicts, shitty neglectful parents, murders and the general ass holes of life can reproduce without blinking an eye, but there is no logic, no reason, no fairness.

That being said... I cannot even imagine, and I am so incredibly thankful that I don’t have to, going though this alone. And by alone I don’t refer to my husband - It doesn't really need to be said that I have his support and love and I am quite lucky to have the wonderful man that I do - who is even willing to climb out of bed at 1:30am and hunt down lotion for my dry feet because I feel too shitty to move.. But by alone I mean I don’t know how I would manage though this without my son.

Of course I don’t have someone to talk to or direct support through the 23 month old ball of energy spinning around my life... But when he runs down a hall, arms outstretched and thrilled to bits all over the prospect of a hug, a kiss, and a cuddle... Everything bad in the world simply melts away, if even only for a few minutes. His bright smile and personality never allow me to wallow for long, and looking into his big beautiful eyes, my eyes, never ceases to amaze me.

I get to tuck him in every night and check on him a hundred times more. He sits in the cart and we talk and laugh as we move about the grocery store. We get to celebrate Christmas with him and snuggle up with books, teach him new things and learn so much more from him. I have thousands of pictures and thousands more memories and I have tomorrow with him. I have a child. I have a beautiful little boy who is my world. And fertile or not, I don’t know what I’d do without him. I might not have the round belly I expected to have this Christmas and the next time I’m at my OB’s office might not be because I’m pregnant, but I have a perfect little boy, an amazing husband, and a wonderful family who never let me slip too far.

Caden will always know he is loved and he will always know just how much he means to Steve and I. We will always be grateful to be blessed with him in our lives. And one day soon he will sit with his little brother or sister and he will be oblivious to just how grounded he kept me through this. That he was my hope... That he was my reason everything would be okay, even if it is not.

To those still trying for their first, my heart goes out to you. I cannot pretend to understand where you are and I cannot pretend to understand how it feels to require more than just where I am now, or to try for years without success. But I can tell you that every obstacle, every hoop to jump though and shit storm to survive is worth it when you reach that goal, your child, and I pray you do.

And I know that the same holds true for our next child. And I know that one day my husband I will sit and watch our children play. And even when the fun turns to tears and fighting and the moment is all but ruined... It is all worth it in the end.