Apprehensive

Thunder snow woke me up this morning - it was a huge crash resulting in one freaked out fat cat hauling ass through the house and under my bed, the 2nd cat soon following.. At least the 3rd kitty, the beagle, and the boy didn’t seem to care. But I sat straight up and got out of bed and looked out the window without temping, oops. I’m only on CD 6 so its not like it really matters anyway.

I’m up to my full dose on Met now and so far so good. I do feel a little queasy from time to time but I really can’t complain and am okay with how I feel on it. It really has killed my appetite though, especially in the afternoon. I’m not sure if its the meds or just how busy I’ve been the past few days, but I’ll get hungry mid morning and have a quick snack (I rarely eat breakfast) and then usually around 3pm I’ll realize I haven’t really ate and force myself to choke something down. Today it was half a bowl of cheerios. Evenings are much better though and I am eating, no worries there.

AF is all but gone, a day or so sooner than on a normal, non induced cycle. The crazy thing is I’m kind of upset to see her go. I mean, I can understand missing AF - When she doesn’t come around when she ought to, its frustrating. When she doesn’t come around because your body isn’t working properly, it just sucks. But even then I was always glad when it was over, new cycle, new hope, no period.. So what the hell is going on here? Why am I sad to see her go? After all, periods suck.

I definitely don’t want another two week long period like I have had once before, so its not the actual ending in 6 days that has me iffy.. Its what comes next. I’m afraid to go on and have another anovulatory cycle, which all things considered, is the most likely outcome for this cycle. Beyond that I’m afraid that my next cycle will be anovulatory and we’ll move onto clomid. And it isn’t the possibility of clomid that has me apprehensive, but the possibility that clomid won’t work either. Because thats our only hope at this point. These medications are our only shot.

We have no infertility coverage on our insurance so we can’t move onto injectables or IUIs or IVFs. They are not an option. We could actually probably cover some of those expenses out of pocket but with the economy and who knows what the hell might happen between now and then - I can’t jeopardize my family’s financial stability, my son’s... We’re not in a place I’d feel comfortable doing that at this point. But that is really a bridge to cross when we come to it - things could change, the economy could be fairing better, we could win the lottery.... Crazier things have happened, right? But to say that the knowledge that these meds are our only real hope at this current point and time is on my mind is an understatement.

I still have hope, and I do believe we will be pregnant soon... But moving on, actually being back to the point of TTC brings back all those old familiar fears. And I worry that the bliss of waiting and hope will be gone completely in a few weeks when I haven’t ovulated yet again, even though I don’t really expect that I will ovulate this cycle.

The good in this at least is in the timing. I have so much going on that my mind is, for the most part, distracted from my ovaries and empty uterus. The next week is filled with prepping for Christmas, Steve is home the 3 days following so I’m excited to spend the time with my boys, the next week is another short week for new years and will be spent playing with Christmas presents, cleaning, putting together toys, taking down Christmas decorations, etc. Beyond that is planning Caden’s birthday party - though not as involved as Christmas, its something to do. By the time that is over we’ll either know how the Metformin is working or be starting clomid, so I’m hoping this all keeps the obsessive thoughts away.

I guess all I can do at this point is cross my fingers and see what happens. I suppose I should restock my opks.