Tuesday, December 9, 2008

And We Wait...

In a lot of ways I’m enjoying this little TTC break we’re on... But this morning I find myself eager to start trying again.

It has been nice not to have that little voice in my head constantly wondering if I might actually ovulate, analyzing every twitch, thinking that if I ovulate this week we might have a chance, there is still a chance at an ovulatory cycle... Then in the case where all signs pointed to ovulation, wondering if I really did when I knew I didn’t. Other than thinking to take all of my pills, I haven’t really thought about trying much at all. I’ve thought about our next baby and all the things to get done, what a great big brother Caden will be, what it will be like to get my positive hpt.
I’ve tried to imagine what it would be like to get that positive hpt for months... But I never quite felt that it was possible. I never really felt like I was going to see two lines on that test. I’m hoping that once we start trying again, I might be able to imagine it.

Despite having lived through nine months of pregnancy, its so hard to remember what that was like. I am so excited to do it all again, though I do worry about the possibility of complications as I had last time. Even so, I can’t wait. I remember lying in bed at night with my hands on my belly - I had terrible insomnia so I’d just sit and feel Caden move and wiggle. He was such an active baby - I felt him move early and he never really stopped. Kick counts say six movements per hour, but it never took more than 20 minutes to get to that number. There were a few points early on where he wouldn’t move quite so much, but those were few and far between. I can’t wait to do it all again. I can’t wait to give birth, to nurse our next baby, to experience all those firsts again, and with my first baby at my side experiencing them, too.

I wonder if I’ll be excited when my next cycle begins or if I’ll be obsessive. I hope not to the later. The truth is I already am considering my next cycle to be a bust - Depending on when AF starts after I finish the Provera I’ll have just started at my full dose of Metformin, or I might still be at 2/3. Of course I still have hope, but I have higher ones for my next cycle.

But for now it has just been nice to think about other things. I’ve thought more about Christmas and Caden’s party, I’ve finished a few projects around the house, and I got a few more pages done in Caden’s scrapbook. Of course everything going on still sits in a cozy spot toward the back of my mind, still in view but out of the way... But its been nice to have this break.

Four more pills, four more days of Provera and then hopefully quickly onto the next cycle. Tomorrow I increase my Met.



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