Monday, January 5, 2009

An Egg That Never Comes

According to fertility friend I’m 7dpo today, meaning I should be going in for the progesterone draw. However, I’m not. If I actually believed fertility friend I would, but I don’t. I had negative OPKs, cervix didn’t really suggest ovulation and other than a slight temp rise and a very small, very short lived patch of possibly fertile CM, nothing else correlates - FF didn’t even indicate ovulation until 5 or 6 dpo. It also doesn’t help that the past two days worth of temps were not entirely accurate as they were taken too early or too late. I really do not believe I ovulated but if for some reason my temp does go up tomorrow (and its accurate) I’ll go in. 8dpo is better than none I’m sure, plus - I don’t see there being that need.

Twice now Fertility friend has indicated ovulation that didn’t really happen, so you could see why I have a hard time believing. I’m also expecting some perfect temp rise and beautifully correlated chart when I finally do ovulate which I know is probably not going to happen and something I need to let go of. And now I’m wondering why I even chart when I don’t even trust what I see?

When I first started charting and ovulation was first indicated I fiddled and played with numbers and such (keeping exacts written and saved) just to keep those beautiful red crosshairs. Now I fiddle and play with numbers to see how easy it is to get rid of them.

I do need to call my doctor regarding my Metformin prescription (the pharmacy is dishing out based on the original prescription, which adds up to only 2 weeks of pills) and where to go next. Unless AF does show in the next week or two, that February 4th appt isn’t making much sense as it will put me at the beginning of a new cycle, assuming Provera works the same as before. It will be too late to start clomid that cycle and too early to know if I ovulated on my own or not so I need to see what the doctor thinks we should do... Move the appointment up to just go ahead and start clomid, or move the appt to the end of February to better correlate with the end of the cycle and start clomid the following. I can go either way.

On the one hand I can see the benefit of doing 2 full cycles on Met - I wasn’t expecting it to work right away anyway. On the other hand I am so incredibly tired of anovulatory cycles and the waiting and waiting and waiting for an egg that never comes. I hate the second guessing and everything that goes along with it - part of me wonders if I even have another anovulatory cycle in me. The biggest argument for waiting another cycle is the fear that clomid won’t work. That we’ll exhaust that option and it won’t work either, and thats a point I just don’t want to get to or I want to delay as long as possible.

I guess we'll just see what my doctor thinks because my current stance on the subject is who the hell cares. As much as I wish I could say that I’m out of that new year funk I posted about last, such isn’t the case. I so miss my blissful optimism that flew out the window with the passing of the holidays and yet another missing egg. At least I’m not feeling as shitty and obsessive as in months previous, and I’m not feeling this way all day, but I do need to pull myself up and get over it - well, as much as that can be done. Hopefully once I talk to my doctor and have a better laid plan for the weeks to come that can happen.

In closing let me just say that anovulation sucks. Big time. I haven’t been TTC the past several months, I’ve been TTO - Trying to ovulate. All of the preseed and sex and hip raising or magical conception pillows, instead cups or whatever won’t do a damn for me - There is no chance, no possibility I could be or even could get pregnant, no hope. There is nothing I can do but swallow down a few pills and cross my fingers that just maybe we’ll get an egg. There is no control, nothing I can do and it is so damn frustrating.



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