Not good news.

My first appointment was yesterday and it seems like it will most likely have been the last for this pregnancy.

I asked for a beta - had the numbers since the 2nd doubled, the result should have been around 900. Instead it was only 571.

There is still a chance my doctor says... Maybe the 2nd beta was off since it tripled, we‘re still on track based on the first one. Maybe we lost a twin.. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I’m going to do another beta tomorrow morning and my doctor should have the results quickly. I’m begging that it will be okay... But it hurts so much.

Please don’t let me lose this baby. I know what is done is already done... I know. But I don’t think I can take it.

And so I sit...

My 2nd beta was in last Friday and the numbers looked great... From 33 @ 10dpo to 114 @ 12dpo, so it tripled. Today I’m 17dpo and officially late (clomid pushed my LP out a day or two) and I really thought I’d feel more excited about this pregnancy at this point, but I’m not. I have very few symptoms and the few that I have come and go. I try to remind myself that its just early... And it is. Morning sickness shouldn’t really set in for another week or two, or anything else really. I am getting sleepy more easily but nothing like what I remember with Caden. But again I remind myself that with Caden, I didn’t even think to test (and find out I was pregnant) until I was 4 weeks, 4 days. I’m 4 weeks, 3 days today.

I keep testing and I knew I should have stopped because today’s test was a hair shade lighter than yesterdays. Not much and the line was thicker than and still dark, but now that has me freaked out, too. I knew it was bound to happen when you’ve taken 15 stupid tests... But that doesn’t make me feel better. Last night was my first middle of the night bathroom break, too, so I try to tell myself that maybe that has something to do with it.... But that doesn’t help either. This was supposed to be my last one but I’m going to take my last test tomorrow morning before my appointment - if its lighter still then I’ll ask my doctor for another beta. I’ve googled and I know a single slightly lighter test is nothing to worry about - I’m not spotting and I’m not cramping, well, anything more than the occasional, normal, light cramps that are to be expected. I just wish I didn’t take that stupid test.

I guess in a lot of ways I’m just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve seen things go wrong for too many people - with PCOS and without. I don’t want to and I pray that I don’t have to experience that. I think the thing that annoys me most is that I wasn’t like this at all with Caden. I remember mentioning to Steve when we found out that “Its early, anything can happen” but that was it.. That was the last mention of it. Now I feel hesitant to really settle into this, to really enjoy it. I’m so afraid of losing this - I just want to sit back, enjoy my pregnancy, and welcome a beautiful little baby into this world come January.

I thought I’d feel better once I got those betas back, and I did.... A little. Then I thought I’d feel better when I was late... And yesterday I did - at least a bit. And now I’m back to freaking out and I know its because that stupid freaking test that is meaningless. I could just kick myself right now. I want symptoms, I want reassurance. I want to know that everything will be okay.

When I’m not sitting here silently freaking out Steve and I are so very happy. We smile about what the future has in store and cannot wait to meet this little baby. I just hate the anxiety, the unknown.

I promise, after tomorrow no more tests! (I won’t have anymore, anyway) and I’ll stop freaking out. I’m really hoping for a darker line because I do not want to have to go through the hell of waiting for the results of another beta.

Betas, Tests, and Daddy x 2

Yesterday I woke up and took 3 more tests... 2 digitals and a FRER just incase the digitals weren’t sensitive enough. Waiting for that test to develop felt like forever... But in the end all three tests were positive. I tested again this morning and again, the test was positive and the line much darker than the previous days... Which has settled my nerves at least a little bit. I am so excited and so happy but at the same time I’m scared I’ll wake up and this will be all taken away. I know I’ll relax once the second beta comes back on Friday - if only a little. And I think I’ll feel even better once we see our baby by ultrasound.

Speaking of betas and such - Today my doctor called with the results from yesterday’s tests. My beta at 10 dpo was 33 - seemingly low but a solid number for so early. We also checked my progesterone and my doctor wanted to see it at or around 20 or else we’d supplement (at 7dpo it was 14.6). My progesterone was 20.6 so rising nicely and no need to supplement nor does my doctor feel the need to check it again. So, as I said, I go in for my 2nd beta tomorrow, results on Friday, 1st appt is 1 week from today on the 29th (our 3rd wedding anniversary!), and then we’ll schedule my first ultrasound for 6.5 weeks.

..............

Yesterday was sweet - I was able to hold of on telling Steve our amazingly wonderful news on Monday so I told him then over lunch. I was worried Caden and I were going to be late since we ran a little behind getting my blood drawn but we actually made it a few minutes early.. Good thing too since I had to pee so bad and I didn’t want Steve to wonder why I was taking Caden with me... Or risk leaving him behind to remove Caden’s jacket when I wasn’t there (revealing his “big brother“ t-shirt).

I was starting to wonder if Steve kind of knew what was coming, but in the end he had no idea. The restaurant was a cute little diner and the kids, especially Caden, adored the trains. Steve had been mentioning he wanted to take Caden eventually so I used this, and telling him I’d be in the area to pick up an order, as an excuse. We sat down at the table and I suggested to Steve that he should take off Caden’s coat so we could order. He unzipped the jacket and immediately turned and asked me “Is there something you’re trying to tell me?!”. I replied yes and he turned back to me with a big smile and an excited “Really?!?”

Lunch was nice and we talked about the baby and Caden a lot. Steve was grinning ear to ear the entire time and we’re both so excited. Steve also mentioned how relieved he was - he was always the “strong” one in all of this.. But even so I know he was scared and worried, too. We were both worried there were going to be more obstacles for us to over come. He worried they were with him, I worried there were additional ones with me. But all that matters now is that here we sit.. And we’re having a baby!!!

After work Steve came home with a dozen pink roses and a card. All night long we made mention of the baby and he was constantly rubbing my belly and all smiles. We’re just so happy.

This pregnancy already feels so much different emotionally that Caden’s... Not that either was more wanted and I know I’m not explaining this right... But even though its so early its like we both feel more connected with this pregnancy. With the first the concept was so crazy and so new to us... We knew that a pregnancy meant we were having a baby... But the immense reality of that never really set in until that tiny little boy was placed in our arms. This time around we have a walking, talking, amazing little reminder of just what that tiny mass of rapidly dividing cells is becoming. And its all so amazing.

Happiest Girl in the World....

I woke up this morning at 4am needing to use the washroom but I wanted to wait to test until DH went to work. 7am came and I headed into the bathroom, dug out a stick, did what needed to be done, and set the test down. Immediately I thought to myself “This is stupid... I’m only 9dpo, even if I am pregnant I’m not going to get a positive” and I crawled back in bed. An hour and a half later I went to throw the test away... But there was a line. An extremely faint, twist it that way... Is it pink? Is it real? line.... But a line. I’ve seen my fair share of evaps but this was different. It was so faint that it was very possibly an evap... But I thought I saw the slightest hint of pink. The question was if the line showed up in the 10 min window and that I didn’t know. I snapped a few pictures, stared and brought the test from room to room, and finally gave up.

Around noon a nurse from my doctor’s office called with my 7dpo progesterone result... “looks good she said” but I just wanted the number. 14.6... Nice... But indicative of anything? Not really.

Caden and I had lunch then decided to bike over to the park about 2 miles away while there was a break in the weather. We had our fun and headed home. I put Caden to bed and decided to take a quick shower.

I undressed and debated back and forth... Do I test again? It had been 2 hours since I last use the restroom. Surely it wouldn’t be positive but at least I could see if an evap appeared. Again I dug out my sticks, did my thing, and jumped in the shower, quickly to be sure to read this one in the 10 min window again.

I couldn’t believe what I saw... Plain as day, 2 pink lines. The test like was very light, obviously, but pink and perfectly visible. No twisting or turning or checking under different lights... It was positive. I called my friend (who had spent the morning debating the possible evap with me) and shouted it. I am pregnant.

I am pregnant - ah, just had to type those 3 perfect words one more time.... Well, maybe a few more. Part of me knew this was it - I bought a shirt to tell DH with (not telling him today has been so very hard, but surprising him with the news this time is something important to me - I‘m telling him tomorrow over lunch). I just knew... But as the 2nd half of this wait kicked it... I just didn’t want to set myself up for devastation.

An hour later I tested again - this time with a FRER.... And again, two beautiful pink lines. Faint, but not bad for mid afternoon at 9dpo. We really did it this time... I really AM pregnant.

I spent the next few hours in shock.. My hands we shaking. I’m trying to be cautious as it is so very early... But it is so very hard. I pray this baby sticks.... And as of tonight all I know is that I am pregnant and so extremely happy.

EDD: January 2, 2010

1 week to go

I’m not sure why I’ve been avoiding my blog... but I have been. I’m happy to say that I did end up ovulating this cycle after all... I assumed I’d ovulate the same day as last cycle (CD 25) or sooner but instead managed to ovulate a little bit later - CD 27. So, unless I’m pregnant, we’ll be increasing my dose to 100mg next cycle.


As for that pesky issue hanging in the air around us... Did we manage to pull this off? Is this our cycle? I have no clue. A week ago I thought for sure this was it... It had to be. But now that feeling has faded and I really have no idea. I do know that at this point... To actually see those 2 pink lines... Seems so far fetched it just doesn’t seem possible. I’d love to have been able to hang onto the optimism of last week but I feel that would have just set me up to be devastated in a few days. But I do still hold out hope and I find myself drifting to thought of “what if” quite often. And if I am, as I said before, I will truly be the happiest girl in the world.


My progesterone draw was taken care of yesterday - that was a clerical mess but its done and over with and I should know the results some time tomorrow. I’m a little nervous about the results - normally my breasts hurt a decent amount when I ovulate and this time not so much and they hurt on and off so I’m worried the number might be low... But there isn’t much I can do about that now.


Of course I’ve been looking for symptoms everywhere and for the most part there haven’t been any - until today, 8dpo. I was up early this morning with some nasty heartburn - my first symptom with Caden. I hope this is good but there is the very real possibility and probability that it was just heartburn. I’m going to try to hold out until 12dpo to test (April 23rd). I pray that then I’ll finally see those 2 pink lines again.


.........

In other family happenings we bought a new bike trailer for Caden and new bikes for us. Caden loves riding in the trailer and loves his new McQueen helmet even more. We rode for a few hours yesterday and with the exception of a rather sore backside, it was perfect. The bikes are nice, the trailer handles great, and I hope to use it a lot more. We have a few days of rain ahead of us but I can’t wait to get out again with my boys - hopefully my ass will have recovered fully by that point.

Broken

Hope for this cycle is slowly fading out. There isn’t much more to say other than that. DH assures me it will happen for us again one day. “It has to”. But I’m starting to not believe. I was going over Easter prep in my head the other night and for the life of me couldn’t figure out why we kept coming up 1 chair short... Finally it dawned on me that I had been counting us as a family of four... Something we very well may never be. It all hurts so very much.

I try to keep my mind off of everything but its so hard. I don’t think I’ve ever been less interested in a cycle than this one. More and more it seems like my original feelings that last cycle was a fluke are coming true. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and in 6 months I’ll ovulate again and maybe then have a shot at actually getting pregnant.

The hardest part is I don’t understand how I got here. How I went from ovulating normally every single freaking month..... To ovulating once in 6 months. And it happened over night. How? How is this possible? I can’t find anything like this... Something isn’t right. I never thought I’d ever find myself sitting at my kitchen table on a Monday morning... Regretting that I took my freaking period for granted.
I keep waiting to climb out of this little hole I dug myself into.. Instead I feel myself inching closer and closer to the bottom. I have to hit soon, right?

I try to distract myself but as soon as I stop moving my mind wanders back here. Saturday we took Caden to the Easter Egg hunt and to the mall to see the Easter Bunny - we’re hosting Easter at our house so I have a lot to do this week. Hopefully that will help but looks doubtful.

Recovery

Tuesday afternoon my stomach started to feel upset - enough that I couldn’t eat dinner. My inlaws were came over that evening and the visit was well - I made mention several times that I hoped I wasn’t coming down with the flu. Considering how touchy my stomach can be, I didn’t really think I was. Hell, outside of alcohol induced incidents (college wasn’t that long ago! ;)) Its probably been 10-15 years since I thrown up due to a stomach bug. Hell - I didn’t even throw up when I was pregnant... I spent the first trimester extremely nauseous, but I didn’t get
physically sick.

As it turns out, I did indeed have a rather nasty stomach bug and spent all Tuesday night throwing up or groaning as I tossed and turned with a terrible case of the chills and a nice fever of 102. Steve ended up staying home from work yesterday - Neither of us got any sleep and considering I spent most of yesterday dry heaving followed by throwing up my one attempted meal, I was down for the day and I really wanted to try to prevent Caden from catching this.

Caden threw up last night but apparently he is weathering this much better than his Momma. Steve cleaned him up and changed his sheets while I rubbed his back and took care of him. He laughed and wanted to play. Today he has been running around the house, a little ball of energy, in a fantastic mood. Not that I’m complaining! I’m glad that in the very least he doesn’t seem to have it as bad.

Today I feel much better - I haven’t tried eating yet so hopefully once I do that will go over well. I miss food but really don’t want to feel like I’m going to, or actually commit the act of throwing up yet again. My abs already hurt enough. As for Caden - wow - I don’t think he has ever had this much energy.

The good news is we have seemed to survive our first bout of the “stomach flu” and did so relatively intact - although I’m not sure Steve is in the clear yet. And I must say - I have a pretty awesome husband, even if he did get a bit pissy about having to call in at first. He ran to the store for me multiple times, even gave me a foot rub, took care of Caden last night until he had to start laundry. I’m pretty lucky to have such a great husband.

.......

On the TTC front I’m on CD 18 and no signs of any eggies. Considering my recent illness has left me 5lbs lighter in less than 2 days I think its safe to assume it might have delayed anything going on anyway. As long as we get an egg... Please. I’m so ready to have our next baby. I’ve been doing what I can to keep my mind off things... But its hard.