Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Another Point of View

This morning I woke up bright and early to make sure I had plenty of time to shower and get dressed before C woke up as I had my ultrasound at 9:30am. I realize now that I really was holding onto hope that those lab results were just errors... That I was soon to find out nothing was wrong with me.

My name was called and I met up with the sonographer.. She introduced herself to me to which I responded “Do you remember me?” “Of course” she replied “but sometimes people don’t remember me so I didn’t want to put you on the spot”.

It was almost two years ago, but after all the time we spent together it would be hard to forget Linda. She performed all of my ultrasounds (outside if the high risk ones) when I was pregnant with C - and in the last months I required weekly AFIs so there were lots of them. I love her - she is great and so sweet. Quite often my ultrasound was the last of the day so we’d spend a little extra time after the fluid measurements were done and just spy in on my little guy, watch him yawn and move around, and I always left with lots of pictures.

I thought going into that room would be difficult, seeing how these were the exact opposite circumstances that first found me there. But it wasn’t. I thought the ultrasound would be much more uncomfortable, but it wasn’t either. Definitely not on my list of favorite things to do on a Tuesday morning, but not as bad as I imagined it might be.

I was starting to regret setting up the appointment for then, since my doctor wasn’t in this week and I’d have to wait until next Wednesday for the results. Legally Linda couldn’t tell me anything... But I already knew I had PCOS. She showed me my right ovary... And she showed me the line of cysts on it. She said she didn’t count all of them but there were five that she took measurements on. My left ovary decided to be more difficult, but three cysts were measured.
It was when I first saw those black circles on the screen was when I realized that despite knowing that they were most likely there, I was still so hopeful that they weren’t. Even if they were not there the diagnosis would still stand due to my labs... But I guess I was secretly hoping that the labs were flawed, errors made by someone. Seeing them on that screen hurt more than I thought it would.

It was after the ultrasound was over and I sat up that I lost my composure a little bit. I saw the string of ultrasound photos hanging from the printer and my mind flashed back to when those images depicted little toes and a baby’s profile. I cried a little. I had always imagined being back in that room because I was having a baby... Not because I couldn’t.

I’m glad that it was Linda - we talked about holiday plans and family and I think that’s what kept me from being over emotional most of the time. She asked when my next appointment was and she isn’t in that day but I’m sure we’ll see her again.

I just hope the next time the image on that screen is a tiny beating heart.



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