Inception

Well its been a long time since I updated here. I used to love to write - one aspect that has been lost of the years.

I could fill a whole blog with what has happened since I last updated, but living in the past is one thing I'm not willing to do anymore. So here is the basic run down:
The boys are great. Parker turned 2 last month and Caden turned 5. They are both doing amazing. Parker gets into everything and I can honestly say I have never imagined to have my hands so full with something so small. He is adorable and sweet and so loving and is currently twirling in large circles with purple marker all over his hands and face. I have yet to located the purple marker. Caden is so funny and so fun and you never know what he might say next. Love it.
We moved. Its a long complicated story but we love the house we're in and the boys do, too, but the neighborhood is remote and wooded and the critters and coyotes annoy me to no end. But watching the bald eagles fly outside our window is amazing.
We've gone to Disney world, twice.
We've had tragedy and triumphs. Unfortunately facing a tragedy within my own family now. Maybe its an explanation for my recent behavior, withdrawal. Maybe I just really needed this.
I started my own legitimate, successful business last year. Its nothing big or grand and probably never will be, that wasn't the intention. But its mine - and the first thing I've done by myself for myself in a long time. And its doing better than I ever expected.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About so many things. About who I was, who I thought I was, who I am, who I thought I am, and who I want to be. In an old blog of mine somewhere, I do not believe I merged it with this one, I remember writing a post even before the wedding. About how I would never lose sight of myself in all of it it, in marriage, children, family. But I did. Oh did I. In a way I think its inevitable. And I don't regret making my children my life - until the day I die they always will be. But that doesn't mean I have to lose myself. That doesn't mean I don't have to be my own person. And realizing that? It is empowering.

If you believe the Ancient Mayans, 2012 is to be a year of change, new beginnings (or the end of days if you're into that sort of thing and never listed to what the calendar really is, but I'm not). I definitely feel change. I'm remembering who I am. And that doesn't mean I'm focusing any less on my children, just the opposite actually. But this is a new beginning for me.

I'm also coming to terms with something I was told over 5 years ago. Something I've ignored for 5 years. And its scary, but it helps. And I think I am finally ready to start going in for the testing on my kidneys that I've been supposed to be doing for years.

In true fashion this post is all over the map so I guess we'll just leave it at that. I've been meaning to update this blog for some time (Finally did, R!). So there it is.

And I'll end this with one more note - be careful what you put out there. I started this blog to work through emotions, feelings, to reach out and gain support from a community of women in similar places, and to update family. But at the end of the day, years later, you never know what little simple thing may lead someone here, someone you didn't intend. And adversely you never know what little, simple thing, may lead you somewhere you never thought you'd be. Maybe for the worse. Maybe for the better. Go with it.