Luckiest

When I woke up Friday morning I didn’t even want to test. I knew what the outcome would be and I didn’t have the urge. I wasn’t upset, I just didn’t care. But I tested anyway knowing that at 13dpo I should be able to trust the result without much question. I thought I caught the slightest hint of the line if you turned the test just right, but there wasn’t any line there. The test was negative - Not pregnant. I did at least discover the best thing about testing in a hotel... By the time the urge hits you to go HPT dumpster diving, housekeeping has already taken out the trash.

So now all that is left for this cycle is to wait for AF to show. I packed the necessary supplies just in case AF showed early - Tampons, Midol, even clomid.... But I didn’t expect her to be late. I’ve never charted an ovulatory cycle so I’m not quite sure what my LP is. In the past based off when I thought I might be ovulating my LP was 14 days but it is entirely possible I was off a day or two. I am 15dpo today so I expect the witch to show either later today or tomorrow. In the off chance that she isn’t here by Monday morning, I’ll test again. But I’m expecting that won’t be necessary.

.......

Our trip was nothing short of wonderful but entirely too short. While it was nice to sleep in my comfortable bet with soft, plush linens last night, I’m a bit sad to be back to normal life today. Tomorrow my husband will return to work, leaving before Caden or I (most likely) even step out of bed and not returning until dinner that night. We won’t hear his voice in the morning or see his face at the breakfast table with us for five days - and we surely won’t spend the day splashing around the pool with him or the early afternoon climbing through tree forts and racing down slides.

We were originally only staying two nights - Checking in on Wednesday and checking out on Friday. On the drive up we decided pretty quickly that two nights wasn’t going to be nearly enough and that another night was necessary. Lucky for us the hotel had the availability and even upgraded our suite. While I would love to lounge all day with my two boys with few cares in the world - Check out Saturday morning was perfect. Our entire stay the hotel wasn’t crowded at all... There were no lines for slides or crowds in the pools, lounge chairs were plentiful as was parking. Friday night you could notice an increase in activity and space was limited in both the water and the parking lot - and by Saturday the hotel was packed with weekend and spring break guests. Perfect time to make our exit.

The hotel was nice and clean and very cute. Our room was large with a separate sitting area and fireplace that came in handy during nap time. The linens could use an upgrade and the beds could have been more comfortable, but it wasn’t enough to dampen or moods or shadow our stay. There were 3 large indoor water park areas and each one had something geared for toddlers. Caden is such a little fish and loves the water - Every morning when we got our swimsuits on he would get so excited and literally skip down the hall “I love water!”. His favorite was the kiddie slides meant for guest 48” and under - he’d race down the slide into Mommy’s arms and then quickly run out of the pool to Daddy and go down again. He loved the splash parks and squirting water, and even went down some pretty big slides, too. He was happy to splash in the kiddie pools and loved to fight the waves and ride in the inner tubes of the wave pools.




After nap time and before dinner when dry fun was required, he loved to play in the four story tree fort - A network of tubes and slides, nets and foam balls flying around. In the evenings there was a song and dance show at the clock tower and a bed time story and by the time we got back to our room Caden was out like a light and ready to do it all again in the morning.

Our little mini-vacation couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m not dwelling on the negative pregnancy tests and I don’t feel defeated. Instead we’ll just try again and I feel incredibly lucky for the beautiful boy that I have. Every single day of my life I feel lucky and am grateful for that boy -nothing, especially infertility, will ever change that. But this trip has reminded me of the silver lining (if there was one) to our delay in adding to our family and that is I get more time with just my little boy. Of course I feel sad with each month that passes and another month separates Caden from his future sibling, and of course I know that once we have our second child the love will multiply and not divide. And of course I know that while our attention will be split it will be worth it.... But for the time being it is nice to be able to lavish all of our attention on Caden. To spend this time with just him - learning all about just him. And spending time with this wonderful little person who makes us laugh in ways we didn’t know possible.

Had I known that after February 2008 I would have stopped ovulating and been unable to conceive without medical assistance of course we would have tried sooner. If I knew a door was going to slam shut of course we would have been sure to slip our foot in the door before it locked. But we didn’t know so we went along with our plans and while I am angry and frustrated and sad that we are facing infertility, I am also happy we have had this time with our son. I read and talk to women facing infertility who already have plans laid to try for the 2nd, 3rd, whatever while still trying for the first. Plans laid to start trying again as soon as conception is possible - 6 weeks, 2 months... And while I understand that, I am grateful that I did not have to walk those shoes, though I wish I didn't have to walk this path at all. I am grateful that I have been able to fully enjoy my son as he is, my life as it is... And while so much of the past 7 months have involved infertility, it is not the main focus of our life - Caden is. And that is something I remind myself of daily. It is so easy to get lost here.

Steve and I originally wanted three children, the third being more spaced out than the first two. The third was never set in stone of course - nothing in life is. We still would love to have three one day and there are times I have thought that maybe we should start trying for that third as soon as we’re cleared after our second is born. But that thought is only fleeting - that thinking doesn’t work for me. I can’t wait for this part, the infertility part, to be over even if only temporarily. While I understand it will always be a part of my life now, I cannot wait to not think about it for a while. To enjoy my children and just be. To watch my baby grow and develop without the stress of tests and cycles and single pink lines. I can’t wait to learn the things about this next baby that I have with Caden - Will he love water? Will he laugh and giggle in delight at the sight of other small babies? Will he walk at 9 months too, or will he take his time? And I cannot wait to watch my little boy with our next child. I cannot wait to put this behind us even if only for a bit. To enjoy my family as I enjoy it now. To just be. And when the time comes if we decide to face these demons again, which I am sure we will, so be it. And if it doesn’t happen - At least I’ll be able to look back and know that I did not let this consume those months... Those hours.

I am the luckiest. And while I would have done things differently if I had known that infertility was in our future - I am glad I have been able to enjoy this time with just my son and my husband. I am grateful for our time as a family of three, and I am eager to enjoy our time as a family of four.
.......

We’ve already started planning our next trip back - If I was brave enough to face the crowds maybe we’d go back this summer. But after seeing the number of hotels and motels crammed into that little town.... I think summer is a time I’d avoid. We’re thinking of heading back this fall, winter at the latest. I loved the hotel we stayed at (Great Wolf) but with so many options available to us we’ll probably try another hotel and water park next time. The only downside is how expensive everything is in the Dells - I was a little shocked at how much we spent for such a short trip so close to home, but it was worth it.

And even in the cold we were able to spend time outside of the resort, too. While eating out so much did little for my stomach, it was still nice. We make it a point to have dinner at the table every night at home, but sometimes it is rushed - it was nice to slow down.
Outside of the water park we took Caden to an indoor amusement park and he even got to ride
his first ride. And since we had an hour to kill before checking in we even made a little fertility related field trip to rub some African fertility statutes - as Steve said we might as well exhaust all of our options.

But the best part of it all, for me at least, was simply spending the time with my husband and son. Uninterrupted, outside of the responsibilities of daily life, just the three of us. We really can’t wait to go back. I love spending time with my two favorite guys. I love my family of three.

Results

My doctor called with the results of my Progesterone labs yesterday and I did ovulate - result was 10.4. My doctor considered this to be strong enough that she’d prefer that I stay on 50mg next cycle instead of increasing to 100mg. Unless, of course, I’m pregnant.

I’ve obsessed over symptoms and crossed my fingers and hoped all hopes... But all we can do is wait and see. I did test today and it was negative but then it could still be too early (I’m only 10dpo, AF isn’t due until Saturday).

I’m having little to no symptoms... Of anything.. And before my breasts were at least a little tender at this point no matter what. But nothing. Sadly I do not think that this was our month.

I knew it was too much to expect to be one of the lucky ones... To actually think that I’d get pregnant my first ovulatory cycle in 6 months... My first cycle on clomid.. But I did. So seeing that all too familiar single pink line this morning just hurt.

I’m not sure when I’ll test again. At one point I used to test non stop - but now the urge isn’t as strong. You’d think that after seeing so many, you’d get numb to the negative tests... That the pain might be dulled at least a little. Instead seeing them seems to hurt even more.

We’re leaving tomorrow - heading out of town for a few days and it probably couldn’t come at a better time. But I don’t want to hang a cloud over our trip so I’m going to try to hold out until Friday (13dpo) to test again. While my optimism is fading, I still have hope. We’re still holding our breaths and praying that I’m wrong, that come November we’ll be holding our second child.

Progesterone Draw

Today was my progesterone draw as I am now 7dpo. My temps and chart have been beautiful, rising steadily for the first 6 days. Of course this morning it dropped by 0.31 degrees and now I’m paranoid as all hell. I need to learn how to de-stress - so much for staying calm. The low temp is still well above cover line, and my cover line is a little high compared to my pre-o temps as is, but I’m still worried. I’m just crossing my fingers that my temp goes back up tomorrow - Of course the day I need the temp to be accurate is also the first day of day light savings so things are going to be a little screwy no matter what. Anyway...

Steve and Caden came with me this morning since we had a few errands to run afterwards. Caden got a little fussy as soon as Mommy left with out him and the woman drawing my blood smiled and made mention of how the little ones are always so happy to be with Daddy until Mommy left.
The woman was very nice - she seemed rushed and hurried at check-in, but seemed to slow down with me later. The actual process, from sitting down to leaving, took all of 90 seconds - Just long enough for her to ask me quietly “How long have you been trying?”. There was something about the tone in her voice and the way she asked... like she understood.... Like she was or had been in this position, too.

When I walked out Steve looked at me and said “already?!” And immediately my mind started to wander. 90 seconds to draw blood from me was damn quick. Impressively quick... Never done before. People normally have a hell of a time - The first nurse who drew labs for a CBCD when I had appendicitis was in tears after she couldn’t get blood from me. I told her not to worry, it was common, but I guess I ruined her 25 year streak. The only other time anyone has been able to get blood from me easily like that was when I was pregnant. Usually there is at least some checking around for veins. I forgot to drink anything but coffee so I thought for sure it would have been more difficult. Of course, there are several completely normal explanations...

1. Between my pregnancy, surgery, and infertility... I know which vein is the vein of choice - Off to the side of my right arm. Very rarely fails. Not the best vein and nurses always check for a better one, but its usually the best I have to offer. Last blood draw I guess that one was a little deflated as the nurse decided to give it a break but this time it was nice and plump and filled that little vial in record time.

2. That little vial! Usually there are several vials and today it was just the one.

3. If nothing else, maybe it was just that this woman was that good.

But even so my mind turned to maybe, just maybe, I have a bit more blood volume because, well... you know. Its too early for that so its not the case... But that doesn’t stop the obsessing.

In fact, right now I have no symptoms of anything. And I feel like expecting or even hoping to get pregnant on my first ovulatory cycle in so long is asking too much. But I do hope, I hope so very much.

But for now I’m just focusing on Monday, when the labs are in. Who knows, I could find out then this was all just a nasty cruel joke - but I’m hopeful for good news.

3 days past.... ovulation?!

Last week I noticed some minor changes in my normally void cycles. CM increased, my face broke out.... My cycle failed so I assumed AF was on her way. I though to myself that at least AF showing on her own and in a timely fashion would be a step in the right direction. I didn’t give much thought to it, nothing more than maybe an outcome that would spare me the 10 days of Provera and the following wait.

Around 2:45pm on Friday it occurred to me that it was that time again... OPK time. The time of day we all just love, no? I had given up hope on the cycle but had the left over strips so wth. I did my thing and put some things away. I glanced at the test and to my surprise it was positive. Very positive. No question about it.

Several months ago I got what we assumed to be two positive OPKs. The lines were very close, I was 99% sure they were positive, but hesitant. I didn’t ovulate. Add into that the fact that I have PCOS and screwy LH, well, my relationship with OPKs is definitely lacking in the trust department.

There is no question about Friday’s test - it was positive. But I still didn’t (and possibly don’t) trust it. Once bitten twice shy and all that. Steve came home from work that evening.
“hey, check this out” I called
“Huh... That one is definitely positive”
“I know....”

And then we just stood there. Is it possible that our failed cycle could yet come though with a little egg? We both smiled at the thought but neither of us fully trusted it. I had a small amount of fertile CM, but not much. It just didn’t feel right. Or possible.

Saturday’s OPK was positive, too. Not as dark, but positive. I had clearly negative OPKs all cycle long... Why they were all of the sudden positive actually angered me a little bit. I had given up on this cycle, come to terms with the fact that 50mg failed to make me ovulate. I’d be starting Provera soon enough.... And now this? I mean if I actually ovulated great but all this felt like was false hope.

Sunday’s OPK was negative. Close, but negative. My temp did jump though.

Monday’s temp climbed a bit more, but I still didn’t trust it. I’ve had false CH in the past. I’ve had 2 days of temp rises followed by a crash.

And then Today... Well today it appears that my 6 month wait turned into a two week one. My temp climbed again and I am 3dpo. My dr is out of the office but will call me tomorrow and I assume at that point we’ll set up the progesterone draw to confirm. It better confirm - I’m going to shit if this turns out to be nothing more than a series of well timed coincidences.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up... I’m still expecting to wake up to plummeting temps or for that progesterone draw to come back negative. But for now I have hope. For now all signs - BBT, OPKs, Dried up CM, aching breasts.. All indicate that I did indeed ovulate. To have this hope taken away at this point would just hurt so much.

And then.... Do I even dare to dream I could be pregnant? That all the waiting and praying could pay off? I think that would be too much. Just releasing an egg at this point is a huge success. And it gives me so much hope for next cycle. Of course we BDed and did what we could... But I worry that the little CM I had wasn’t enough. I worry that something funky was at work. So for now I’m just happy I ovulated.

And if in two weeks I see two pink lines again..... Well then I really will be the happiest girl in the world.

Thinking out loud and making plans

I’ve been thinking a lot about what comes next. I’m actually eager to go ahead and start Provera, because at that point at least we’re working toward something instead of holding out hope that maybe... Just maybe... I could still ovulate. Plus once I start Provera I’ll be that little bit closer to going away with my boys, and all three of us are really excited about that.

I think one of the more difficult aspects in all of this is the aspect of the unknown. We have no idea what will work, if anything. Despite having a child, we’ve never faced any of this before so this is all new to us. People tell me “You got pregnant once, you’ll get pregnant again” but the truth is no one knows that. Yes, I got pregnant once but I also wasn’t dealing with PCOS and was releasing an egg every month.

And I think that the fact that my issues did basically appear over night makes it harder for me. I can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong, that I did something to cause this. And in my head I go over everything again and again looking for a way to fix whatever I did so wrong. Looking for a way to make it all go away. Looking for a way to regain some sort of control once more.

So what comes next? I’ll call my doctor either on Tuesday or Wednesday and get my new prescriptions called in. 10 days of provera, hopefully not another 9 day wait for AF but who knows, then we’ll start 100mg of clomid and hope that does the trick.

As for me I’m going to do everything I can, however little that may be. I’m going to work on being more calm (haha, I know) and I think getting away for those few days coming up will really help. I already eat pretty well, something I made sure of once Caden was born (though he doesn’t see eye to eye with me on this issue), but I want to make even more improvements there. I need to read the insulin resistant book I bought a while ago but never got to. I want to start tracking my food again, too. And related I want to cement my workout routine and make sure I do a minimum daily workout instead of 4 days a week. With the weather hopefully starting to warm up pretty soon and daylight savings in just 2 weeks I should be able to start getting out for more walks. I’d like to work at least one short daily walk with Caden and/or Ellie (our Beagle) into the mix.

For hope I have some tricks up my sleeve I’ll elaborate more on later, heh. I’ll have been on Met 3, going on 4 months when this next cycle starts which is a very good thing. I’ve also been searching the internet and message boards for success stories - Stories from women who failed to ovulate on 50mg of Clomid but were successful on 100mg (or even 150, for future reference). So if thats you, Please share!!!

And I’ve started to make plans to move on. If 100 fails, I assume we’ll try 150 but beyond that I’ll be referred to a RE. I know seeing a RE will be best, but once we move on from my Ob/gyn so ends any penny of insurance coverage - including for testing, diagnosis, and even basic appointments. So staying with my ob/gyn is best for my pocketbook right now and I really love my doctors. But, just incase, I’ve called around for prices with local doctors on initial consultations, poured over websites, and already found a doctor I think we’ll be comfortable with. We’ve started saving for an injects cycle, since thats most likely where we would be heading next, but hopefully it won’t come to that. In the mean time I want to bring up the possibility of trying Femara again with my current doctor.

So thats about it. Like so much of this time is spent for all of us.... We wait and plan and cross our fingers. For now I’ll continue doing my lovely OPKs and keeping an eye on things.. Ya know, just incase...

As for the rest of the time I’m not peeing on sticks or typing in temps, you know... That time called life.... I have lots to do with the little man, the bigger man, our trip, the animals, catching up on scrapbooks (which will never be done), planning out or summer (I need to sign Caden and I up for swim lessons), and I really need to start looking into and gathering ideas for the vegetable garden I’ve been planning to plant the past 2 years.

Saturday Morning

This morning we woke up to snow for the first time in a while. I’ve been excited about this and am thrilled to have a blanket of white outside once more. A reminder that winter is still here, that another season hasn’t passed without so much as an egg.

But, considering its CD18 and still no signs of ovulation... I need to accept that winter will have passed by the time we try again. By the time I start provera for 10 days, and who knows how long AF will take to show up after that... Most likely we’ll be looking at early April for ovulation. Which, as long as it happens, fine by me.

The truth is I never expected this - not even with the crazy cycles and knowing something was wrong. I never expected to make it though the end of summer, fall, winter, and now heading into spring without so much as a freaking egg. I never expected to feel so defeated.

After we had Caden I made mention on several occasions how I actually wanted to TTC next time - to actually really try. We did have unprotected sex and knew the possibility on our honeymoon, whatever happened, happened but we really weren’t expecting to get pregnant (I had just finished my period). So for our second we wanted that chance - I wanted to hope and anticipate and actually try. I always made sure to cover my bases, or so I thought, and add in the “well, I want to try but only for a month or two! I still want to get pregnant right away...” Oh how stupid I feel now.... how I regret those words.

The truth of the matter is that I have a lot of regrets. I know the “cool” thing to say is that you have none, I mean really regrets are just pointless. But I do - I have so many and they hurt so much.

I regret the first thing I said when I got my BFP was “oh shit”. I was excited and thrilled but terrified.... After the honeymoon, since the timing was all wrong and we thought for sure I wasn’t pregnant... We decided to wait a year before TTC.

I regret not taking more belly pics. I have a few, and for those I am grateful. But I developed Pre-eclampsia at 23 weeks with Caden and my face swelled terribly. I didn’t even look like myself anymore so I tended to avoid the camera.

I regret not fully enjoying my pregnancy, even though that was really out of my hands. I never really complained a lot, not even through the complications. Sure I broke down over the worry, over the helplessness. I couldn’t wait to get him on the outside where I felt I could protect him more. And I had terrible sciatica and insomnia (don’t wish either on my worst enemy). And I guess this is less of a regret and more of a wish.... I spent the last 4 months of my pregnancy on bed rest. When I had my cute, round belly I was sitting on a couch waiting... I wish I could have been that beaming pregnant woman out and about, hands on her belly, smiling.

I regret not savoring those newborn moments more. I’ve taken almost (if not over) 10,000 photos of Caden in his 2 years. I remember every detail... I just wish I would have taken more time to just sit back and take in every single feeling and emotion. I wish I wasn’t so eager for him to sleep through the night or to get a little bigger. I miss my baby.


I realize that the truth is most of these are unavoidable. I couldn’t control my pre-eclampsia and I wasn’t about to jeopardize the health of my son (and myself) to go prance around and glow pregnancy goodness across the tri-cities. And some of those early days, with the 3 hour feeds and the postpartum hormones and the night sweats and leaking breasts.... Some of those days your goal really is just to survive. And I know that most likely those early days with our next baby will be spent longing for at least a few hours of sweat free sleep.

But I also know there are things I will do differently. Swelling or not I’m taking pictures and video.

Its easy to get lost in the sadness, to feel bad and regret. But I know that I did enjoy my pregnancy even from my couch and bed. Maybe not the way a normal, healthy pregnant woman would have, but I did. I say I don’t remember things but I do. I remember so well lying in bed at 3am with my hands in my belly feeling him kick and move and roll. I remember sitting on my couch and seeing my belly jump for the first time. I remember how it felt when he would push against my hand and I remember the sound of his heartbeat. It was all so amazing and I cannot wait to do it again.

.......

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like when I get that BFP again. Not enough to plan surprise announcements to friends and family or browse the newest maternity fashions, but I’ve been thinking about that day... About that feeling... That you’re on top of the world and nothing can bring you down. In a previous post I made mention on how I forgot how it felt to get a positive pregnancy test. I was wrong. Its hard to remember in this sea of hopelessness I’ve immersed myself in, but its still there. And for the first time in a while I can remember it and how wonderful it felt. And I feel like I might actually get to feel it again soon. I’m not sure why but I have hope... However fleeting it may be.

This cycle failed. I didn’t ovulate and I’m definitely not going to get pregnant. But next cycle might be the one that everything changes. I have a good feeling about the things to come for us. I have hope that 100mg might be just what we need. Now I just pray that I am right.

And I suppose this entry is a perfect example of how witting helps in all of this... To sort things out, to remember, to reflect. . To sit down on a Saturday morning not knowing what you wanted to say, to rant and ramble and bounce around, to sort though the negative and then to send it out and to find your way back to feeling at least a little bit normal.

So As the snow falls and winter still lingers, I’m going to close my laptop and enjoy a Saturday in with the funniest little man in the world....

Escape

Well here we are on CD 15 and no signs of O. Its still possible but for the sake of my sanity I’m throwing in the towel for this cycle. 50mg failed. Lets hope 100mg does the trick.
So now we’re back to waiting....

I’m going to give it until next week before I officially call this one and call my dr for a new round of prescriptions. Then we’ll wait for Provera to work, cross our fingers, and take a deep breath.
In the mean time we’re getting the hell out of here for a few days. In 3 weeks Steve and I are going to take Caden up to the Dells to one of the great big indoor water parks. Our room is booked, I ordered Caden some water shoes, Steve got new tires and an oil change on the car - so now I just need to pick up a few things, secure the animals and house, and count down.

We’re really excited about this - its something we started to plan when we first began TTC. We assumed I’d be pregnant and wanted to have one last little trip just the three of us. But I’m not pregnant, who knows if or when I will be, so no time like the present. And it is helping me keep my mind off yet another failed cycle. Well, at least a little bit.

The resort we’re staying at has so much to do and I know Caden is going to have a blast - he loves the water. And the best part is that I get several uninterrupted days with my 2 favorite men!

And I’ll most likely be on Provera when we go so at least I don’t have to worry about AF ;)

My Beautiful Boy

We took Caden for his 2 year pictures today - they turned out well all things considered. I gave up on trying to get a bruise free picture and I learned that taking professional portraits of an always on the go two year old is considerably more difficult than a baby. The boy just wouldn’t stay still. Even the photographer just kind of sat there and said “I’m shocked he doesn’t have more bruises”. But he was having fun playing with all the props and the big basket of toys so who could blame him? And we did get some cute pics so mission accomplished. The upside is that I also spent a lot less. During Caden’s first year we took him every 3 months for pictures and I must say - I grew a damn cute baby. The bad was I had to have all the poses and would always walk out spending hundreds. This time, while all of the photos were still adorable (My cute baby turned into a pretty adorable toddler if I do say so myself) it was much easier to narrow it down. The best part was that we walked out of there with $85 worth of photos (4 poses) for $35. How I’m still not sure. Well, I do know, but it was quite unexpected. I had my typical coupon for one free photo sheet and 20% off my order. My self imposed spending limit for this session was $80 so I was going to be fine with that. But then we got an extra $20 off even when I told her she didn’t have to for a promotion we joined when Caden was first born but never got to use. Either way I was expecting to spend at least $80, so it was a very welcome surprise.

While we waited for our photos to be ready and all that fun stuff we took care of a little shopping as well. I was most decidedly due for a new bra and figured now was as good a time as any - and let me just say I love Victoria Secret’s Ipex bras.
I look young for my age - I always have, and I really hope I always will (ha). Some people (but not all) treated us poorly while planning our wedding because they thought I was 16. The looks I got when I was pregnant with Caden? Fantastic. I’ve even been carded to buy scratch off lottery tickets.
Anyway... While hunting down the just right bra (they moved stuff around on me!) I mentioned to the sales associate that “they just aren’t the same after pregnancy and nursing”... And they aren’t. The 23 year old sales associate looked away and shuffled a bit. Finally she asked... “if you don’t mind.. How old are you?”. I’m 26. A sigh of relief and a little giggle “oh, because you mentioned you had a child and I thought you were 15 or 16”. Mmmm, I was happy. A new bra and I can still pass as 16 year old mother. Not bad.

Side note: I don’t think I still look that young. I get it from time to time, but not as much as I used to. Must depend on the day.... And how well Caden is behaving that week ;).

After all was said and done we took Caden on the carousel and headed home.

.......

My appointment this afternoon was fine. I wouldn’t say wonderful as there wasn’t much that happened and I honestly feel a little robbed of yet another $20 copay, but such is life. My lab results were fine - exactly what you’d want to see from someone about to start their period. We didn’t end up testing my LH after all, which is the one I was interested in, but everything else looked normal.

I’m starting Clomid again tomorrow (CD4-8) since AF didn’t fully come on until Wednesday night. Originally I was planning to take the pill at night as women on other boards suggested doing so that you sleep away any nasty side effects. When I told my mom this her eyes grew wide and she was quick to let me know that there was no way in hell I’d sleep though a hot flash. I know there are other side effects but I’ve decided to take my chances and I’m going to start in the morning. Perhaps I’ll regret that choice later, but for now we’ll see what happens. I just want to get started.

So now we sit and wait - cross our fingers and hope, and oh do I hope, that this works. I’m trying to be optimistic without getting my hopes up too high just to be dashed down again, but that is easier said than done. I am so very hopeful that if not a pregnancy, we’ll at least get one good egg. Please.

Tomorrow I have a few prescriptions to fill and errands to run, but otherwise it looks like a very relaxing weekend - something I need.

To end this post on an adorable note... A few more of my baby’s 2 year portraits...

Bumps and Bruises

AF did show without doubt yesterday and I’m glad. I’m actually really glad as if I would have just spotted it would have left a cloud of doubt over this entire cycle... Well, a cloud that is darker than the one that is already here. And I am quite happy that she decided to show before I was scheduled to take my 2nd dose of clomid as that would have made an even bigger mess out of things, at least in my mind.

And the even more good news is that I did have a nice lining which means I’m not low in estrogen. The only “down” to all of this is the timing, that AF finally decided to show after the labs and after we decided to move on without her.

I’ll most likely start clomid again tomorrow (CD 3) or even Sunday (CD5), depending on what my doctor wants to do. My question is if I’ll just take the 4 I have left or get another prescription for one more. In all the talking I believe my doctor said one pill isn’t going to make a huge difference, but I’m not sure what exactly that was in reference too, and I’d personally prefer to take the full 5 - give us the best chance at this cycle as its already off to a funky start.

I still have an appointment tomorrow to sit down and go over the labs we ran and decide when to start clomid again. Right now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the labs are all the same as before, or even a little better. Just please, no unexpected bad results.

.......

In other non reproductive happenings tomorrow we also have an appointment after Steve gets home from work to have Caden’s 2 year pictures taken. We were supposed to get them done yesterday but Caden still has a small bruise on his forehead from last week. Its light and hard to notice, but I think it would show up in pics. Its getting better so I am really hoping it is gone tomorrow and we don’t have to reschedule yet again.
Caden is an extremely active little guy (and I mean extremely) so I’m well aware that bumps and bruises are part of the game - but he hasn’t had a mark on his face in months. But, with pictures coming, I knew one was sure to pop up.
........

My dog is driving me up the wall today. She is currently baying and going nuts at the mail man, which is fine. But every five minutes she wants to go out. Then she wants back in. Then she wants back out. Then she is sitting up on the back of the big arm chair where she knows she isn’t supposed to be. If she hears me get down... The fact that she knows is what drives me crazy. I guess thats just a beagle for you and she is pretty cute... Just in or out.

And finally, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been playing with layouts again. I like it! I am so ready for spring to come. I miss playing outside and going on walks... Once the heat of mid summer arrives I’m sure to be bitching once more, but for now.... I miss the flowers.

Where to begin....

The past two days have been interesting and exciting and once we thought we had things figured out, my body found a way to throw one last wrench into our plans. And at this point all we can do is laugh... and we did.

My appointment yesterday went okay - I sat down and spouted off all the things I researched and ruled out leaving only low estrogen as the culprit. The first thing my doctor said was “you had a nice thick lining at your ultrasound last cycle....”. I did, which is why I was so upset about all of this. I’ve always bled at least a little bit, on my own or with provera, so how my estrogen decided to tank all of the sudden had me freaked. And I was right that without estrogen, clomid isn’t going to work. So, we drew labs (E2, FSH, LH, TSH) and made an appointment to go over everything on Friday. In the mean time my doctor mentioned she was going to get a consult with a specialist outside her practice.

I got home at 1pm and was surprised when the phone rang at 2:30...
“I talked to Dr. So and so and wanted to let you know what he said......”

My original hesitation as to how my estrogen all of the sudden dropped wasn’t unfounded it seems. My dr (and the consult) agreed that they wouldn’t suspect estrogen just to drop like that and that it was elevated testosterone levels causing me not to bleed, not lack of a lining. In cases such as mine Dr. So and so (who got my neighbor pregnant (ivf) when everyone else told her it wouldn’t work, so I do trust him) said he has his patients start clomid on day 6-8 after provera (I was 8) since even though there was no bleed, everything did reset. It doesn’t make sense when I say it but it did when my doctor explained it to me. It could still be an estrogen issue... But in the end... It appears they were right, even without the labs.

So.... Last night I started Clomid.....

And this morning........

My period arrived.

Go freaking figure.
Right now its pretty light, maybe a tiny bit more than spotting. The current plan in hopes for best success at this point is to stay on clomid. If its just spotting my Dr doesn’t think its enough to compromise the quality of the lining. However, if I start to have a real flow the we’ll have to stop the clomid and start over in a few days.

I swear.... I’m really hoping she just comes full force today because this maybe sorta kinda AF is really messing things up! And if not with my body at least with my head ;)