Remembering

It took an hour but I finally gained access to my blog again. Of course in the process I have now all sorts of screwed up access to my email in addition to now having a google plus page (which I have diligently avoided as my current social media foot print is more than enough). And this is reporting to a long dead email address. Which apparently I cannot change. This is ridiculous.

Life has been busy to say the least. But now I have encountered some down time and in reading my previous blog posts I realized how much I missed this. And I want to attempt to come back to it, even if ever briefly.

The short of a very long story spanning the past few years is that the boys are doing wonderful. Parker will be 5 next month and Caden will be 8. They are in preschool and 2nd grade. No big moves, no big news, just lots of fun times with them, work, and life.

Most of all is the ever growing realization of just how fast these years pass. How quickly those boys grow. And while I might not be able to catalog it as I was tried, ever planed, and always hoped - even an update every several years would be nice.

Here is to trying - writing - and in the short term trying to untangle the massive mess I've made of my google accounts.

Update: Sorted out the email and google account mess, apparently I have a google profile complete with a circle. I suppose the time is now to figure out that.

Inception

Well its been a long time since I updated here. I used to love to write - one aspect that has been lost of the years.

I could fill a whole blog with what has happened since I last updated, but living in the past is one thing I'm not willing to do anymore. So here is the basic run down:
The boys are great. Parker turned 2 last month and Caden turned 5. They are both doing amazing. Parker gets into everything and I can honestly say I have never imagined to have my hands so full with something so small. He is adorable and sweet and so loving and is currently twirling in large circles with purple marker all over his hands and face. I have yet to located the purple marker. Caden is so funny and so fun and you never know what he might say next. Love it.
We moved. Its a long complicated story but we love the house we're in and the boys do, too, but the neighborhood is remote and wooded and the critters and coyotes annoy me to no end. But watching the bald eagles fly outside our window is amazing.
We've gone to Disney world, twice.
We've had tragedy and triumphs. Unfortunately facing a tragedy within my own family now. Maybe its an explanation for my recent behavior, withdrawal. Maybe I just really needed this.
I started my own legitimate, successful business last year. Its nothing big or grand and probably never will be, that wasn't the intention. But its mine - and the first thing I've done by myself for myself in a long time. And its doing better than I ever expected.

I've been thinking a lot lately. About so many things. About who I was, who I thought I was, who I am, who I thought I am, and who I want to be. In an old blog of mine somewhere, I do not believe I merged it with this one, I remember writing a post even before the wedding. About how I would never lose sight of myself in all of it it, in marriage, children, family. But I did. Oh did I. In a way I think its inevitable. And I don't regret making my children my life - until the day I die they always will be. But that doesn't mean I have to lose myself. That doesn't mean I don't have to be my own person. And realizing that? It is empowering.

If you believe the Ancient Mayans, 2012 is to be a year of change, new beginnings (or the end of days if you're into that sort of thing and never listed to what the calendar really is, but I'm not). I definitely feel change. I'm remembering who I am. And that doesn't mean I'm focusing any less on my children, just the opposite actually. But this is a new beginning for me.

I'm also coming to terms with something I was told over 5 years ago. Something I've ignored for 5 years. And its scary, but it helps. And I think I am finally ready to start going in for the testing on my kidneys that I've been supposed to be doing for years.

In true fashion this post is all over the map so I guess we'll just leave it at that. I've been meaning to update this blog for some time (Finally did, R!). So there it is.

And I'll end this with one more note - be careful what you put out there. I started this blog to work through emotions, feelings, to reach out and gain support from a community of women in similar places, and to update family. But at the end of the day, years later, you never know what little simple thing may lead someone here, someone you didn't intend. And adversely you never know what little, simple thing, may lead you somewhere you never thought you'd be. Maybe for the worse. Maybe for the better. Go with it.

5 beautiful months

Just as I had intended to journal my pregnancy I’ve failed at journaling the past five months. There are just not enough hours in the day it seems and while I do kick myself for not writing more, I’m also happy to say we’ve been living a full, busy life and these to boys of mine keep me on my toes.

Parker is over 5 months old now. Where has the time gone? I cannot believe in just a few short weeks we’ll hit the 6 month mark - half way through the first year. I’m so excited to watch him grow, to see who he becomes. But I’m sad at the thought that with that I'll be losing my baby. I look at photos of Caden from 3 years ago and its like a different person - Caden the sweet little happy, pudgy, always smiling baby is such a different person than Caden the always on the go, rambunctious, but still sweet and happy little boy. I can’t even really call Caden a toddler anymore - even looking at our family/maternity photos from October shock me to see how much he has grown. And I know that I’m going to blink and 3 year will have passed and Parker will be where Caden is and Caden will be 6 - I try so hard to remember it all, to get it all down, and maybe that’s why I love scrapping so much.


………..

Parker is amazing. He has been everything I’ve ever dreamed for all those months trying, for all those months pregnant. I hold him and still can’t get over the fact that he is here, that he is mine.
He is such a smiley baby. Parker first started smiling at us at just 2.5 weeks old. My first thought was that it was too early but there is truly no mistaking who his sweet, gummy grins are intended for. Every morning since has brought me those big, beautifully,grins and a bad morning can never be had when greeted by that. He is a very vocal baby, too - he has been talking to us since he was about a month and he loves to go on and on. I love when we go anywhere and he just sits in his car seat in the backseat and goes on and on stopping only to blow a raspberry or two.

I’ve loved breastfeeding Parker these past 5+ months. From the first moment I put him to my breast, Parker has had a text book perfect latch. I love watching him nurse and after having no photos of Caden nursing, we’ve made sure to take plenty of Parker. It’s a beautiful relationship. Parker has always been eager about eating, too, shaking his head and latching on with enthusiasm as a newborn, and he still has enthusiasm when it comes time to eat. He loves to hold my finger while he is eating and to pop off for the occasional glance up and big smile.

Parker is developing beautifully, he laughs, rolls, scoots… he started rolling when he was between 2 and 3 months and rolls both ways with ease. He is starting to sit up a little bit and can do so unsupported for a few seconds at a time - then something usually catches his eye and over he goes. He can sit up with his base supported for quite some time. He loves to jump in his jumperoo and play with the elephant the Easter bunny brought him. He isn’t crawling but he is definitely mobile and rolls and scoots to where he needs to go.

Parker is without a doubt a Momma’s boy. When Momma is around that’s usually all he wants though he does tolerate others for a short time. He even started reaching for me about a month ago. While it would be nice to give my arms a break sometimes, or eat with both hands… I love when those sweet little arms reach out to me. And I don’t like him being passed around large crowds, so its nice that within minutes he is usually back in my arms where he belongs. We baby wear and that has worked out beautifully for us as well. Parker loves snuggling in the sling and the beco.
As much as he loves his Momma, Parker is also over the moon about his Daddy and big brother, too. He is always interested in what his big brother is doing and is always looking to his Daddy with big gummy grins. Those grins make our world turn and Parker loves to share them with us.

He has grown so much in these 5 months, we have all grown as a family. He is just beautiful. Every month on the 11th I take a quick photo, and those can be found here.

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Caden is doing great! He loves his role as a big brother and truly loves Parker, and Parker loves him. I remember when we were in the hospital there were times that Parker was only happy if he was being snuggled by his big brother, and there were times when Caden was hurting or upset and just wanted to snuggle his little buddy. Caden is recovering nicely from the surgeries - the scars will always remain but he has fully recovered otherwise. It amazing watching him these days - he is learning and changing before our eyes but even as he gets bigger and becomes more independent he is still our sweet little boy who loves snuggles in the morning, kisses all day long, and really is all of our dreams realized. Both of our boys are. I am unbelievably blessed.

Life with two has been easier than I expected and we transitioned easily from the start. Challenges have still presented themselves, but I couldn’t have hoped for things to go better than they have. Even so there are times I feel guilty I don’t have all the time I once did for Caden, and there are times I feel guilty that Parker will never have the one on one time that Caden did for all those years. But there isn’t a whole lot anyone can do about that - its just the logistics beyond the first. But in trade off, Parker benefits from having a big brother who things the world of him, to learn from, to love and be loved by.
Caden hasn’t had much one on one time with Steve and I since the baby has been born so we’re taking him out for a night just him. My mother-in-law is watching Parker for a few hours so we can take Caden out to Dinner and to see Toy Story 3 - and possibly a surprise along the way.

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In other family happenings, we’ve decided to take the boys to Disney World in September and are so unbelievably excited about this. While we’re aware that obviously Parker isn’t going to remember or get much out of this, it will be fun for us, memories, and Caden will. And after the March we had, I think we all deserve a little Disney Magic. We were hoping to do a vacation around fall when Parker was first born - When Caden was 10mo we went on a cruise and it was so, so easy to travel with a baby. Those plans were put on hold when the medical bills started rolling in but eventually things fell into place and as I’ve learned tomorrow isn’t promised, my children will only be this little for so long, so go to Disney today. And yes, we will go back again when the kids are older so it isn’t like this is a once in a lifetime thing for them. This will be all my boys, Steve included, first trip to the world. This will be my 5th but its been over 10 years since I’ve last been - and I can’t wait.

I apologize this post is all over the place but between 2 boys and the dog getting a full thought out is an accomplishment in itself. Plus there is so much to say and such limited time to say it. As always I hope to start writing more as so many thing touched on here are topics in themselves, but for now I'll go snuggle my sweet little boys, and end with this.....

The hardest part

I’ve always wondered how they do it - the parents of sick and hurt kids, the guardians of tiny bodies undergoing big procedures, sitting by hospital beds and making huge decisions. I always wondered how they managed because I clearly couldn’t and was so grateful I didn’t know. And while it could have been much worse - now I do. The answer is you have no choice and try as you might to regain control, it all just spins wildly beyond your finger tips. And you just manage.
Its been a month since this all started, and tomorrow will mark 2 weeks since we were finally released after 3 hospitalizations and two surgeries and hopefully the end. When I first sat down to write this out, after we were released the very first time, I had so much to say. And I want to have everything down so I can explain to Caden when he gets older just how he got the scars that now litter his belly. Little did I know we were still facing a long road ahead of us and here is the short, but still very long version.

Friday March 12th started out like any other day. I smiled at the routine we had established around here and in the morning Caden and I decided to make necklaces out of froot loops. We played and he went down for his nap and everything was as normal as it could be. Caden woke up from his nap and everything was still normal - he ate a granola bar and played with his toys while I put dinner in the oven. Shortly before 5:30pm I took Caden into his room to get him dressed so we could run to the store and as I buttoned his jeans he whined “Mommy, my belly hurts”. My first thought was that his pants must be too tight and we’d be heading into 5T sooner than expected but I checked and they seemed okay. He did, too, and ran out to the living room to play. I sat down to nurse Parker and Caden grabbed his belly suddenly again, “Mom, my belly!” and then seemed fine. Steve came home a few minutes later and I told him that Caden seemed to have a belly ache and then Caden cried out again. Caden is a tough little guy - of all the tumbles and bumps and bruises, and there have been some nasty ones, he has never even been one to cry so I knew something was wrong. He said it again and I could tell he was in pain - I told him to lay down but he just jumped around.. And then he was fine again. Steve thought maybe he was just really hungry, and he hadn’t ate much for lunch, so he dished out food. I hoped Steve was right but at this point I knew something was very wrong. We sat down and Caden refused to eat and said his belly hurt once more. At that point it was enough and with dinner still sitting on the kitchen table we threw the kids in the car and headed to the hospital. It had only been an hour since the first “my belly hurts” and the decision to run out the door and I knew - I knew it was something serious and I was confident he was going to need surgery. I didn’t know for what but I could tell by his cries that this wasn’t something that was going to go away.

We checked into the ER and Caden was crying at this point saying over and over how his belly hurt and it was getting worse. I started shouting to get someone and do something as I tossed out his information and my ID - they had a nurse there right away and we were brought into a room. At that point Caden was screaming and rolling on the floor he was in so much pain and I just paced the room not being able to do anything for him - he didn’t want to be held, he didn’t want to sit down and there was nothing we could do. Each minute that passed I paced and panic welled up in my chest, begging for someone to realize that he wasn’t throwing a fit, that he was hurting. The minutes passed like hours until finally they got nurses and the doctor into our room. And then he started throwing up. At first I thought maybe the fact that he was crying so hard made him throw up… but then a few minutes later he started to throw up bile.

I told the doctor of the nights event as quickly as possible while trying to comfort my little boy as he wiggled and cried out in pain. The doctor made mention of a possible intussusception of the bowel and I just begged them to help him. Nurses came and phones rang and I just looked for support where ever I could find it. I’m not a deeply religious person but I called out for prayers for him. Parker sat in his car seat staring out at the flurry of activity around us, quiet and calm, as Steve and I draped ourselves over our little boy to help multiple nurses hold him down for the IV. He screamed in pain from the needles, in pain from his stomach, in fear of it all. I placed my cheek to his and whispered to him, terrified but calm. They finally got the IV in his arm and he was so tense that it blew and we had to do it all again. Finally they got the IV in his hand and he was given Zofran for the vomiting and morphine for the pain. He finally had relief and fell asleep from the pure exhaustion of the past two hours.

My mom came to help us after she had just got off a flight hours earlier from California. She came just as it was time to take Caden into ultrasound. She and I stayed by his side while Steve waited for us in the ER with Parker. I walked along side that big hospital bed carrying the exhausted body of my sweet little boy and I was numb. We went into a dark room and the tech would hardly even speak to me and I just wanted to know - please, please tell me if you see something, anything - a nod, wink, I won’t tell I promise. I could tell by her face she did, I could tell something was wrong. She left and got the radiologist who didn’t have the best bedside manner when dealing with distraught mothers but finally he spoke up. Caden did have intussusception of his bowel. There were xrays done and we were taken back to the ER room and I nursed Parker while we waited for the next step. Looking down at my sweet little baby as he nursed gave me peace if only for a few short moments.

The doctors came back and told me they were going to do a barium enema on Caden and that often this resolved the intussusception in most cases but first they did a regular enema to try to clear him out to give the procedure the best chance of success. They gave us a percentage - was it 85%? 70? In the end it wouldn’t matter. My mom had taken sleeping pills before this all happened and tried to throw them up as she left to come but couldn’t. It was late and we told her it was okay to go home and my mother in law was on her way.

People came back to the room, Steve stayed with Parker and I went with Caden again - I was alone now. First there were more xrays and then we were brought into another xray room for the procedure. Everything would be done under live xray so that the radiologist would see immediately if the procedure worked, or if there was a perforation of the bowel which was a risk. I maneuvered around the xray equipment and cradled his head the best I could and he was just so, so uncomfortable. I prayed, I begged and I pleaded to please, please let this work. But as the minutes passed and the conversations regarding what was happening went on I knew it didn’t.

The intussusception was in Caden’s small bowel and the enema usually worked when it was in the large bowel, where intussusception most commonly occurs. Intussusception in a child Caden’s age was already rare enough, to now see it where it took place was even more so. The procedure failed and there was only one option left.

Shortly after we were wheeled back into our ER room the surgeon arrived to talk to us. He took a detailed history of everything from Caden’s health (which wasn’t much, he has never even gone to the dr for anything other than well baby exams) to my pregnancy with him and aspects of my health history. And then in a blink of an eye we were winding our way back through the halls of the hospital and up to surgery.

The time was 1am and we were the only ones there so we were allowed to stay with Caden while he was prepped. Everyone was so kind to us. The nurse, an older woman who would cross our paths once more, let Caden call her Grandma. All too soon the time came to say goodbye to my son. Every kiss I gave him led to one more, I didn’t want to let go, I wasn’t sure if he knew enough how much I loved him, but then I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I do and that’s okay. When Caden was a baby every day I woke up I was always amazed that I loved him even more than the day before. And when I thought I couldn’t possibly love anyone or anything as much as I loved him, I’d wake up the next day.

We were led to the waiting room and given warm blankets - everyone was cold but I was sweating. I paced the halls a few short minutes and then grabbed my keys and ran to the car. We only live 5 minutes from the hospital so I ran home to grab the things we’d need - Some extra diapers for the baby and his detachable bassinet top, Caden’s blanket, clean clothes and toiletries for us. I made my way through the halls of the empty hospital, twisting and winding past locked doors as I tried to make my way back to the ER. I ran into a nurse in the hallway who offered to escort me through all the locked points - She asked if it had been a long night and I made mention of my three year old son. “Oh, you’re Caden’s mom!”… everyone was already beginning to know who we were.

The streets were empty and it was raining. I turned my stereo up as loud as I could manage in an attempt to try and drown out all the voices in my head. I raced around the house to gather what we needed, tossed everything in the car, and raced back. By the time I made it upstairs I had just missed the call saying surgery hard begun.

We waited.

The lights of the family waiting room had all been turned down, the large television hanging on the wall was off, rain fell quietly on the windows. No one walked by, no one was there. The ventilation system hummed and seemed to echo in the halls and we made small conversation. The phone rang again - they were just finishing up and someone would be out to talk to us soon.

Doors opened and the surgeon walked out and smiled at us. I stared at him… at the man who just finished cutting into my child’s small body and I wondered, did he know? What did he feel and think as he did it? Did he know just how much that little boy meant to me? How special he was? How loved he was? Of course he could never fully know, but I prayed those thoughts crossed his mind.

Caden had something called a meckel's diverticulum. I could explain it but at this point it is easier to link, and that was the lead point that lead to the intussusception. The surgeon explained this to us down in the ER, that he had suspected it due to the location of the intussusception and Caden’s age and we were all relieved to find an answer, a reason… it was removed and thus the intussusception was less like to reoccur. They also removed Caden’s appendix since they were in the neighborhood I suppose is the best way of putting it.

Before long we were beside caden’s bed again, walking through the locked doors of the pediatric unit and into his room, one we would know too well. MIL had gone home as it was 3am and she had work in the morning. I sat and watched my little boy sleep, I held his hand, I kissed his face. I went over papers and intake with the nurse, Amy. We had made the decision earlier that evening that it made the most sense for Steve to spend the night at the hospital with Caden and for me to go home with Parker since he needed me to eat and his own bed, but oh did it hurt to walk away. And for the next several nights it was our routine - I’d tuck Caden in and wait for him to fall asleep, sneak down the elevator and out the front doors of the hospital, get home in time to try to clean up some of the damage from running out so quickly that Friday night, do a bit of laundry, and try to sleep a few hours before getting back before the doctors made their rounds.
That night I got home at 4am. Parker slept peacefully while I started into the darkness - every word from multiple doctors replaying in my head over and over until I finally drifted off.

Caden went into the ER Friday night and the surgery was around 1am Saturday morning. There was hope we could go home by Monday afternoon but there were set backs. When he was started on water he eventually threw it up. When he made it to soft foods, he eventually threw it up. There was a diaper filled with blood after his first bowel movement. We walked the halls a lot and played in the toy room. Caden had plenty of visitors and his room filled with toys and balloons. On Monday he was even able to go down to the lobby to see Raleigh, one of the therapy dogs. The routine continued and we made sure he was never alone. Steve was there all night and we were both there all day except the few times Steve ran to the office for a few hours. Our family helped us out, staying with Caden while we’d run down to the cafeteria to eat. Parker stayed with us and I know it helped Caden that he was there - he would ask to see Parker in the morning and snuggles with him all day long. People commented on how well we held it together and only once did I really break down. Saturday night after Caden started to throw up again - We turned on his Curious George movie and as the music started I flashed to images of him at home, where he should be, and excused myself to the bathroom and cried and cried. After a minute or two I composed myself and joined everyone else.



Sunday was rough - Caden woke up wiggling and crying out in pain. I demanded he have another ultrasound and just as I did the surgeon called to say he wanted testing just to be safe. I sat in the wheel chair and Caden crawled into my lap and placed his head on my chest and despite how big he has grown he fit perfectly in my arms, just as he did when he was a baby. We were wheeled into Xray and images started flooding my mind - him as a baby, with his big gummy grin smiling back at me from our front lawn. His chubby thighs and bright eyes, his bald little head. Image after image they kept coming and I silently cried.

Everything looked fine on the xray - in the end we believe the pain was from Caden holding his urine in and his bladder pressing on everything. The surgeon told us that after abdominal surgery sometimes kids did that - associated the pain with anything going on in that general area. He finally went to the bathroom and everything was okay.

Caden slowly got better, kept liquids then foods down. He was happy and loved to play and walk the halls, saying hello to everyone he met. Late in the afternoon on Wednesday, March 17th we were released. And for 5 days everything seemed back to normal. We played, we had fun. We moved to put this all behind us.

Monday, March 22nd
Once again the day started out completely normal. Morning turned into afternoon into evening into night and I tucked my boys into bed. Steve was out and my neighbor had come by and we chatted. She headed home and then around 11pm I heard a cry from down the hall. Please be the baby, please just be a hungry baby. Parker was fast asleep in his bassinet beside my bed.

I walked into Caden’s room and he was tossing and turning as he whimpered in his bed, “My belly hurts”. Three little words that will strike fear into all of us for a long, long time. I crawled into bed with him and scooped him into my arms and rubbed his head as he fell back asleep. But after a few minutes the wiggling would start again and he’d cry out once more. Again he’d settle down only for the pain to return and as it did I could hear his stomach gurgling and churning. I got up and stepped into the hall and paced nor sure what I should do and he threw up all over. My first thought was to take him to the ER so put Caden in the tub and called my neighbor. She heard Caden crying in the background and came running over.

Once Caden was cleaned and in new jammies he seemed to be doing better. I placed a call into the pediatrician and when the on call doctor called back he thought what I was hoping, a stomach bug, and suggested I watch Caden for 24 hours. Caden started to cry out in pain again, not as bad, but hurting. And then he threw up once more.

I buckled Caden into his car seat and showed my neighbor where my frozen milk was and how to thaw it so she could stay with Parker. Steve was on his way home and instead would just be meeting us at the ER. When we got there they were in the middle of a shift change so we waited. And Caden threw up more, and cried out more, and they brought a nurse to bring us in immediately.

Once again Steve and I found ourselves draped over our sons body as the placed another IV in his left hand this time. Once again he was given zofran and morphine and Caden perked right up! He laughed and played and was happy as could be. Steve and I even giggled at how silly he was being.

We were originally told they would be doing a CT but they later decided to use the CT as a last resort due to the increased radiation. We found ourselves back in an ultrasound room and for my xrays - if they showed anything then we’d continue with the CT. Everything looked okay on both exams but Caden was admitted anyway for observation. Seeing how great Caden was doing now and that those images were all clear I started to think it was just that, a stomach bug.

None of us slept that night. Steve went into work straight from the hospital, I went home, showered, grabbed Parker, and headed back. Caden woke up in a terrible mood after only a few hours of sleep. His white blood cell count was up so they wanted a urine analysis and had a collection bag on him. He refused to pee in it - he’d rather let his bladder explode before he was going to pee with that thing on him. He was in pain because his bladder was so full again and the surgeon was talking of the CT. I was scared of the radiation after what I’d been told and asked if they could promise me nothing bad would happen due to the radiation, “we would like to avoid a CT if at all possible” was the only response I was given, not reassuring in the least. He would also need to be sedated.

I told them to take the urine collection bag off and they did since they would just cath him while sedated. They took it off and caden emptied his bladder and all was right with the world. He was calm, pain free, and wanted to watch George and asked for a popsicle. Since he was doing so well I asked that we hold off on the CT and just observe him, see if the pain returned or if he threw up. Everyone agreed. In the end I wished we had done the CT right then, but hindsight is 20/20.

Caden did great - he ate Popsicles, he played, he bounced off the walls and ran around the floor. He drank and ate popsicles. Wednesday morning the surgeon rounded and laughed at how energetic Caden was as he jumped up and down excitedly and played with his monster trucks. “sometimes we never know why these things happen and they resolve themselves - he looks great and I see no reason he can’t go home as long as he eats and keeps it down”.

Caden asked for Mac and cheese and excitedly ate it all along with a banana at 11am and around 1:30am with him still completely normal, we were released. We thought it must have been the stomach flu and we walked out of the hospital.

As we walked out of the hospital into the beautiful spring day, Caden gripping the stroller happily and Parker smiling up at me, I was uneasy. I knew it wasn’t over, something wasn’t right even though Caden seemed perfectly fine. The drive home I went over everything in my head - how could it be the stomach flu? He had no other symptoms, nothing. I didn’t call anyone to tell them we were home, I didn’t update face book or another site I’m on. I said nothing because I just had a feeling.

We were home an hour and the phones were ringing and that is when I told people he was home. At around 3pm he said those three nasty little words… My belly hurts. He’d say it, then would be fine and play. He wanted to go outside, he wanted to watch George. And then he’d say it again.

I called the pediatrician and they suggested that I just bring Caden in with me in the morning since Parker’s 2 month well baby was then anyway, a rescheduled appt after the first surgery. I talked to our family about it - maybe its just gas, maybe its just attention. Maybe, maybe, maybe… I tried to believe but I knew. Us moms, we always know and should there be a lesson to be learned in all this I fully believe it is to trust your intuition.

Steve was at work and was about to head home when I told him. The tone in his voice dropped. When he got home Caden was still saying his tummy hurt, but it wasn’t like before, not as bad. Steve got home from work and made us a quick bite to eat. Caden crawled into my lap and fell asleep. Eventually he crawled to the other side of the couch and slept for an hour or so, I wish I could say this brought any of us relief but I could see his face wince even as he slept. I placed a call into the surgeon on call and he called me back at 7:30pm and we talked. While we were talking Caden woke up and he could hear Caden cry out in the background. At that point the surgeon suggested we bring Caden back to the ER for the CT scan - it was still early in the night and if nothing else we’d have some peace of mind.

Steve put Caden in the car and took him back to the hospital while I got my neighbor and settled her in with Parker. Steve called telling me to bring some clothes and something to clean up the car - Caden threw up all over.

I raced back to the hospital to meet them there in disbelief.

I was immediately led back into the ER to Caden and Steve - everyone there knew us. Even the doctor, who hadn’t been involved in Caden’s care, was aware of him due to the meckel's diverticulum - I guess word got around. At one point I paced the hall and saw a familiar face - I recognized her but couldn’t remember from where. Thinking about it we believe she was the woman who performed the 2nd ultrasound and was much more kind and helpful than the first. She smiled and said hello and then realized where we were and just walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me.

Once again Steve and I were draped over Caden as they placed another IV in him - this time in his arm as he still had the holes in his hands from the pervious IVs. He was given zofran again as he was continually throwing up bile and then they sedated him for the CT, expecting him to fall asleep. The nurses were all shocked when he never did. Steve and I held his hands and kept him calm during the procedure and we got the images that were needed. When we made it back to our room in the ER Caden was up and happy - he seemed fine and asked for drinks he couldn’t have.

I paced the hall as I talked on the phone, keeping concerned friends and family updated as to what was going on and the glances on the face of the ER staff grew more concerned. Our main nurse walked into the room and I asked if they had read the CT and she said yes. I knew she couldn’t tell me anything but I asked anyway. She knew we had been through the ringer and wasn’t going to make us wait and told us - Caden had a bowel obstruction and the surgeon was on his way.

The ER doctor came in and explained everything to us but of course his answers were limited. Before long the surgeon walked in and explained everything to us - he would try to do everything laparoscopically and his hope was that it was a simple adhesion that would just need to be snipped and that would be it. I signed the forms stating that but with notes and knowledge that he could have to be opened up this time and that there was the possibility of a bowel resection. And then we began to wind our way back up to the OR.

Caden’s 2nd Surgery
It was like a terrible nightmare replaying itself. The same nurse from the 1st surgery met us in the hallway and Caden remembered her and greeted her with a friendly “Hi Grandma!”. Again it was the early hours of the morning by now and the OR was empty so we were allowed to stay with Caden in pre-op. Despite being awake and alert this time Caden was calm, like he understood. The time came to say goodbye again and I found myself holding and kissing him, hoping, praying it was enough - for him and for me.

Instead of going to the waiting room this time we went to our cars - I was becoming engorged and needed to pump and Steve would move the other car to the accessible entrance from pediatrics. I raced home and checked on Parker and pumped. My neighbor assured me not to worry about her and to just get back to the hospital. I raced back on the empty streets, the music up once again but this time it didn’t work and my mind wandered to images of my child’s body on an operating table.

The elevator doors opened into that familiar waiting room - the lights once more turned down, the halls empty, the hum of the ventilation system… Steve had turned the TV on this time though. Steve told me I had just missed a nurse not even 30 seconds before giving an update… we had hoped the surgery could be performed by lap again but they had to open him up. I can’t remember if it was then or later we were told, but they also had to remove part of his small bowel. It was 2:30am.

Steve laid down on a chair and I paced the halls, changed the channel on the TV, sat in chair after chair. Finally I sat and rested my head against a window and peered out at the cars below as it started to rain. I then laid my head down on a chair and stared at the OR doors, begging them to open with news, only glancing away to look at the clock. Surely by 3:30am we’d have another update.

Every noise jolted me - a door opening, Steve coughing. 3:15am came and nothing. Then 3:30am. I sat up and shifted in my seat, the anxiety was building inside of me. Finally 3:45am approached and nothing - I frantically paced the halls, looking for someone, anyone, and nothing. I sat back in my chair and I under the weight of everything I just broke and started crying hysterically, gasping for breath. Steve raced over to me and wrapped his arms around me but I was inconsolable, I just needed to let it all out. I regained composure, caught my breath, and the doors finally swung open.

The surgeon sat down beside me, took my hand, and smiled as he spoke. “the first thing I want to tell you is that Caden is okay, he is fine and did great”. He explained to me what happened, that as the bowel healed from the first surgery a closed loop was formed. He was able to untangle it laparoscopically but did not feel comfortable leaving it - the bowel was so inflamed he was sure if he left it we would find ourselves back in for a 3rd surgery so he made the decision to open Caden’s abdomen and remove that section of bowel. He told me that Caden would be fine and would continue on with his life just as he did before surgery, nothing had to change. And he promised me that this was the end of it, this was the last surgery, and that we could see him soon.

A few minutes later the nurse from pre op, Grandma, came by on her way out to see us. She was so kind and we were so thankful for her - Caden felt safe because she was there. She told me I needed to sleep, I must have looked a mess. She told me to get home and get some sleep before Parker needed to eat but I couldn’t leave without seeing Caden. She smiled and said okay, lets go. She brought us through the locked doors and told the recovery nruse we were coming even though we weren’t supposed to be back there, and everyone was okay with it. We walked around the corner and there was Caden sleeping on that hospital bed, monitors beeping and a kind blond nurse standing watch at his side - I smiled in gratitude though I don’t know she realized how important she was to me. She stood by my baby’s side and watched over him when I could not.

I wanted to be strong and I didn’t want to cry even though Caden wasn’t awake. I laid my head down and rested my face on his warm, soft cheek and just breathed him in. He was okay and that was all that mattered but it was so hard to see him like that. I whispered to him over and over again how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how he was everything to me. I lifted my head off his and wiped away the pool of warm tears I left on his cheek. Steve grabbed my hand and as we walked away I saw the recovery nurse wiping tears from her face. It helped to see that, to see that Caden was just as special and cared for by all the people around him. That he wasn’t just another body cut into. And that he was truly cared for when we were not allowed by his side.

Recovery
Overall recovery was easier the 2nd time around though slower. He never threw up, no blood soaked diapers. The first day was so much harder through. He was on Morphine and slept most of the day away and because he was on the morphine he was on extra monitors that he didn’t have before.
We went much slower this time with introducing food and liquids, giving his bowel plenty of time to rest. By the time Saturday rolled around he was a little beast and understandably so. The constant blood draws and poking and prodding and being tied down to IV poles - but really he was so hungry. One of the nurses felt so bad she allowed him to eat 5 cheerios and his attitude completely changed. Caden was the only patient on the pediatrics floor for a lot of our stay so he got all sorts of extra attention. The nurse offered to take him on a walk one day so I could grab a quick bite to eat and he went to the lobby and got to play the piano. All of the nurses were absolutely fantastic and we would have been lost without them. I only hope they know just how special they were to all of us and how much they all helped us get through this.

Monday he was finally allowed to eat regular food and got breakfast, lunch, and dinner and kept all of it down. By Tuesday morning his white blood cell count had returned to normal and we were discharged that morning.


It has been almost two weeks now since Caden was released and he is currently climbing the couch and sliding into a pile of pillows he stacked up with a proud “tada!“ followed by skipping down the hall to play with his toys. He lost a lot of weight in the hospital but as started to gain that back. When we first got home you could feel his ribs through his shirt when you rubbed his back but already he has gained some weight back. Things are normal, but I know that doesn’t mean much. Leaving the hospital that last time, it did feel right though. Steve and I took the boys on a walk, Parker’s first finally, and just enjoyed being home, together. We’ve celebrated Easter and played with toys and are settling back into that sweet routine I smiled at in the morning hours a month ago.

The best part of all is that Caden is on his way to making a full recovery. That he is back to his energetic, playful self. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. And while we still are watching him with a close eye and late night whimpers and the words “my belly hurts” brings on anxiety like steve and I have never known, we are moving past this and I am, without question, forever grateful, thankful, and blessed.

Welcome to the world, Sweet baby

On January 11, 2010 at 9:59am we welcomed our precious little boy, Parker Andrew, into this world. He and the days since have been everything I dreamed.

I have so much to say and so much I want to get down so I never forget - Like the way he stretches in the morning and gets his whole body into it, or how he sticks his bottom lip out if you brush is face with your finger while he is sleeping, how he smiles big gummy smiles while dreaming and the noises he makes while he is nursing. I never want to forget how perfectly he fits in our arms and how Steve and I have the hardest time putting him down. I always want to remember that first day, snuggled up with him in pure amazement of just how perfect he is, unable to take my eyes off him with the music playing softly on a cold winter day - and how for those hours the world seemed still outside our door and nothing bad or imperfect could ever make its way in.

I have so much to say… but for now I’ll enjoy the last hours and day I have held up in my perfect world with my husband and two amazing little boys as Steve has to return to work on Thursday. These past two and a half weeks have been nothing short of amazing and it makes me a little sad that the real world is already knocking on our door, that my sweet baby is already 2 weeks old, that my first blessing, Caden, already turned 3 this past Sunday. But seeing my first baby tuck his little brother in and lay on the floor talking to him, watching my newborn son sleep sweetly in his Daddy’s arms, and snuggling Caden while Parker nurses…. Life is so very good. And every step along this journey - every tear and every celebration, has more than paid off in the end.

I am forever thankful and forever blessed by all that I have been given.

Parker Andrew - 25 hours old

Merry Christmas!

I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas even though this year found me exhausted, often crabby, unable to walk well or move at times, begging for the energy to even wrap presents, etc. Even so, I still find myself sitting here in the last hour of Christmas night, listening to the last carols play on the radio in an otherwise silent house, sad to see it go.

I love Christmas - it is my favorite time of year. I love fall so much as its leading to now. I love the snow, the cold, the hustle, wrapping presents, baking, our tree and lights. I love gathering with family and anticipation. I never imagined I’d be so extremely exhausted at the end of pregnancy though and didn’t do very much of that at all this year and I feel a little sad that I missed out on some things. Luckily I have a pretty fantastic husband who helped me clean the house and bake the last of the cookies last night and did quite a bit in regards to cooking dinner tonight and cleaning it all up so I could lay down and shut my eyes.

I assumed that since I didn’t have the energy to get as into the holidays this year as those past I wouldn’t be quite so sad to see them go.. But I was wrong. Even without the energy to do everything I normally love… this Christmas was the best ever. Caden was so into opening his presents and just so filled with excitement and happiness over everything and my second son, the one I wished so deeply for this time last year, rolled and bumped inside of me… cookies and pretty tags and bows just didn’t matter.

Last night we went to my mom’s to celebrate with her, my brothers, and their families. The boy’s were quite spoiled - Grandma really goes all out. Caden was so into opening those presents and just couldn’t wait to get his hands on the next - and it wasn‘t even about what was inside.
When we got home I let Caden open one of his presents - a pair of snowmen jammies (4T btw). He opened the present and exclaimed with all the excitement he had and ever so genuinely, “A BOX!!!!!”. After he opened the box and shouted with just as much enthusiasm “Snowmen!”, Steve helped him put on his new jammies - you’d have thought they were painted on. Poor kid, he looked hilarious! That was a big fail but even so he didn’t mind. Steve put him to bed (in a pair of properly fitting, though less festive, jammies) just in time for Santa to come and fill beneath our tree and Steve and I finished up some last minute prep for guests Christmas night. We took out our camcorder to charge the batteries, the video from last Christmas still inside (I tend to use my camera more than our camcorder even for video - a habit I wish to break) - he has grown so much in one short year. I try to take every bit of this time with him in and lock every detail away in memory but no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend just how quickly he has grown.

Christmas morning came and I loved hearing the excitement in Caden’s voice this morning as he stepped into the living room, looked at the tree and all the presents waiting and exclaimed “presents!!!” He happily sat and waited while Daddy made our traditional Christmas breakfast of cinnamon rolls and then he got to dive in. He was so genuinely excited about every thing he opened - the first being his little brother’s presents (just in case). Parker got a pretty new bouncer and when Caden tore off the paper he turned and looked at me with the happiest face and shouted “A baby!!!!!” He didn’t realize just how correct that statement was.. However Parker is the one deciding on when to make that arrival.

It was just a wonderful morning watching the joy in his little face over every little thing. Steve, I mean Santa, brought him a race track that shoots his disney cars around in loops and the look on his face when his Daddy started it up for the first time was priceless. “OH WOW!” he shouted as he laughed.
Mom and Dad were spoiled as well of course and I love everything I received… but it just doesn’t compare to how happy Caden and Parker have made me this year - and I know Steve would agree.

I am without a doubt the luckiest. I am without a doubt blessed.

…………………………

Obviously we’re still waiting on the biggest gift of all this year - I think its safe to say he finally dropped over the past few days and my pelvis is sure feeling it. Steve is sure this week coming up, week 39, is the week but then my Dad was sure Parker was making his arrival Christmas eve and my friend was sure Wednesday (2 days ago) was the day. Myself… I have absolutely no idea. Part of me agrees with Steve, part of me thinks he is holding on until the new year. Hopefully soon because I don’t want to fight the section fight.

While we count down the days we have plenty to keep us busy - the focus now can turn to baby and getting the house ready - big stuff is done at least! Since we hosted a small dinner tonight a lot of the cleaning is done but the decorations still need to come down… I think I’ll go ahead and wait until new years day as I normally do - entice Murphy’s law to take effect and make me kick myself for not taking the tree down sooner, of course now that I said that….

Maternity/Family Photos

On October 17, 2009 we had a maternity/family photography session at a beautiful park in Wheaton, Illinois. These are a few of our favorite images out of over 700+! I was 29 weeks pregnant.

Unedited

Thanksgiving

A year ago I laid on the table in a dark exam room for an ultrasound that confirmed my diagnosis of PCOS.. Even thought the labs already said it all. I remember being sad and being upset, but I don’t remember those emotions being overwhelming - At that point I already knew we weren’t getting pregnant on our own. I already knew something was wrong. When the first labs came back I cried knowing there really was something wrong, that it was something I had to deal with the rest of my life. That this wasn’t something that would just fix itself (though I still hold out hope). But by the time the ultrasound came, even though I had hope there would be nothing there, reality had started to settle in.

I remember starting Provera and Met and feeling hopeful, and perfect timing with the holidays and all. We had a great Christmas - I loved being on Provera that one time simply because it meant I didn’t have to think about infertility or ttc or temping or stress. I just had to focus on that step and the hope.

I remember standing at the island in the kitchen decorating Christmas cookies and humming along to the music in the background. I remember so clearly being able to see myself next Christmas, now this Christmas, doing the exact same thing with a big round pregnant belly. I remember smiling at the thought.

And here I sit, exactly one year after that ultrasound, with my big round 34 week pregnant belly realizing just how correct that mental image all those months ago was. My baby, my second little boy, is pushing around back and forth inside me. I’m talking to a friend, reminiscing about funny stories from those first few weeks after Caden was born and with each laugh Parker wiggles and pushes as if he thinks its funny, too… or maybe he just has even more grand plans in store for us.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for so very much. For my beautiful little boy Caden who is so funny and so sweet and gives the best hugs in all the world, for my husband, my family, a healthy pregnancy and my baby soon to join us. I am thankful that I am able to look back and see the good. That there was good - there always has been and always will be.

And on a side note, I actually had more to say but managed to burn my thumb with boiling water so thats all for now!

Long time, no blog...

When I started this blog I thought for sure I’d keep up with it more than I had in the past... I had a goal, something to work toward, and a lot on my mind. When that didn’t happen I thought for sure when I got pregnant that would be it... Now I would really be able to keep up... Again, that hasn’t quite happened.

I suppose a lot of this has to do with the time of year - I just haven’t been online much in general and I haven’t had much desire to be. On days that morning sickness is at its worst, the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen... And with all the beautiful weather we’ve been having on the days morning sickness isn’t too bad, the last thing I want to do is be stuck inside and stare at a computer screen.

The good news is that we have got a lot done. For a while now we have wanted to start a real veggie garden with a raised bed.. We finally got around to that. Thanks to the help of my awesome mom we got the bed done yesterday. Steve and I filled it with dirt last night and bought our plants and in a few minutes here Caden and I will head outside to get things planted. Beyond that I still need to plant flowers in one of the beds out front and mulch the other two. I also want to plant some flowers in containers out back and I want to make another bed along the back of the house. In addition to cleaning out the pond and getting that going, I think these things will be our focus this weekend.

In addition to our yard, there is so much I want to get done around the house, too. We need to work on cleaning out and organizing the basement so that I can start moving and setting up my craft space down there. We need to start Caden’s “big boy” room, too. We’ve started collecting some things and hope to shop for the rest of the furniture and big items in a few weeks. I want to change the closet and interior door’s in the baby’s room (and the rest of the house, one down so far) and I still need to trim the door we have replaced. Then there is normal cleaning and upkeep around here....

Add into that my desire to at least catch up on Caden’s scrapbook and work on a few other crafts and well.... Makes for a very busy me.

............

As for my pregnancy - so far things are going great! For the most part I feel pretty good - Morning sickness seems to come in waves and some days are definitely worse than others. Staying active and up and about seems to really help with how sick I feel. I threw up a few times a week or so ago but nothing since... Just lots of nausea but I’ve also been on the go just about constantly. Of course when I’m feeling good I’m worried that it means there is something wrong and then when the nausea hits again I wonder why I was crazy for wishing it back... Its a vicious cycle but well worth it. I seem to feel the worst around meals - Perhaps its the food or that I let myself get too hungry.. But so far I haven’t found a way around this one. I definitely have no complaints though - everything could be much worse and I am just feeling so blessed to be here.

Before I got pregnant I was a little worried about exhaustion but it isn’t nearly as bad as it was with Caden. With him I was early to bed, early to rise and now its just the opposite. I think dealing with the exhaustion of PCOS in addition to having a toddler keeping me on my toes has helped. I can usually force myself to stay up until 11:30 if I must, but have been going to bed around 10:30pm on average. This was unheard of with Caden but I think this is a change in lifestyle... Post bed time is mommy time and I’m not ready to give that up! Afternoon naps are pretty common but then there are days, such as yesterday, I skip those too. It all depends on what I have to do. Things are definitely different this time around... And I think that has more to do with being responsible for an adorable little man more than anything.

Other symptoms include the usual - my breasts aren’t tender but they never were with Caden either. However, they have increased in size. Pregnancy dreams are in full force and they are pretty crazy - and constant bathroom breaks are common. I don’t usually notice them unless we’re out or I’m trying to watch a movie or something, and in the middle of the night which gets annoying. A little bit of heartburn here and there and a lot of food aversions.. Fun mood swings and a bit more emotional..... And thats about it.

I wish I could say the anxiety has gone but I still worry.. A lot. It has improved greatly, but I still have yet to fully settle into things. I still don’t *feel* pregnant but then I never really did with Caden, either. I keep saying that after the next appt I’ll feel better, and it helps, but not completely. My next appt isn’t until June 9th - I’ll be 10 weeks and hopefully we’ll hear the heartbeat by Doppler. I can’t wait.

I have calmed down a lot from weeks prior at least... Ever since our ultrasound. I immediately update my various preg groups but am a bit ashamed I never posted here...

............

Our first ultrasound was last week on May 12th. I started this entry with a photo of our beautiful little baby because that was what was most important, even though I saved the best for last. Steve took the day off work since the appt was at 10:30am. We dropped Caden off at my Mom’s and headed in. I was so nervous - excited, but so very nervous.

Linda (the sonographer) greeted us with a big smile and mentioned how happy she was to see my name for an OB ultrasound. We went into the room and got situated and then she turned the machine on. I immediately asked if there was a baby and she said to just hold on and turned the screen to me...
“there is the gestational sac....” to which my mind flashed to there only being a gestational sac and I blurted out “is there no heartbeat?!” Linda was clearly interrupted and simply asked “Now didn’t you see that little flicker?” A flicker? There was a flicker? I knew what a flicker meant and immediately all was right in my world. Steve squeezed my hand and Linda zoomed in... And there it was, clear as day.. Our beautiful little baby’s heart beating strongly at 122 bpm. With the exception of method for viewing, I could have sat there watching that little heart beating away all day.

The baby measured right on track. I had a large-ish cyst on my left ovary which is suspected to be a corpus luteum cyst and the source of our little one. Before all was done we got to check in on him/her one more time. S/he might only have been a little blob on a computer screen, but I could help but fall in love.

After the ultrasound we sat down with my doctor. She went over my labs and everything looked great except my 24 hour urine collection... It was within normal range but a little higher (low 200s) than what is she wanted to see. She said it might be worth re-checking after I have the baby (it is not currently a pregnancy issue) and it might warrant a further look into my kidney function, but she doesn’t think there is really anything to be done right now since it is still in normal range.

After the appointment Steve and I headed to Borders to buy a pregnancy journal (ended up with 2!) and then we stopped off to buy the baby a gift as we did after Caden’s first appointment. This time we bought him/her 2 cute little sleepers and we bought big brother Caden some jammies, too. We then had a nice lunch before picking up the little man. It was a perfect day and we now have our little one’s first picture proudly displayed - I can’t wait to see (and meet!) him/her again.

.........

I think this entry has ended up long enough... I suppose that is what happens when you don’t update for a while. I want to make it a point to write more often as this is probably the best way I have to chronicle all of this right now, but at the same time I’m enjoying time away from the computer with my favorite two guys.... So we’ll see... ;)For now I have some veggies to plant...

Recovery

Tuesday afternoon my stomach started to feel upset - enough that I couldn’t eat dinner. My inlaws were came over that evening and the visit was well - I made mention several times that I hoped I wasn’t coming down with the flu. Considering how touchy my stomach can be, I didn’t really think I was. Hell, outside of alcohol induced incidents (college wasn’t that long ago! ;)) Its probably been 10-15 years since I thrown up due to a stomach bug. Hell - I didn’t even throw up when I was pregnant... I spent the first trimester extremely nauseous, but I didn’t get
physically sick.

As it turns out, I did indeed have a rather nasty stomach bug and spent all Tuesday night throwing up or groaning as I tossed and turned with a terrible case of the chills and a nice fever of 102. Steve ended up staying home from work yesterday - Neither of us got any sleep and considering I spent most of yesterday dry heaving followed by throwing up my one attempted meal, I was down for the day and I really wanted to try to prevent Caden from catching this.

Caden threw up last night but apparently he is weathering this much better than his Momma. Steve cleaned him up and changed his sheets while I rubbed his back and took care of him. He laughed and wanted to play. Today he has been running around the house, a little ball of energy, in a fantastic mood. Not that I’m complaining! I’m glad that in the very least he doesn’t seem to have it as bad.

Today I feel much better - I haven’t tried eating yet so hopefully once I do that will go over well. I miss food but really don’t want to feel like I’m going to, or actually commit the act of throwing up yet again. My abs already hurt enough. As for Caden - wow - I don’t think he has ever had this much energy.

The good news is we have seemed to survive our first bout of the “stomach flu” and did so relatively intact - although I’m not sure Steve is in the clear yet. And I must say - I have a pretty awesome husband, even if he did get a bit pissy about having to call in at first. He ran to the store for me multiple times, even gave me a foot rub, took care of Caden last night until he had to start laundry. I’m pretty lucky to have such a great husband.

.......

On the TTC front I’m on CD 18 and no signs of any eggies. Considering my recent illness has left me 5lbs lighter in less than 2 days I think its safe to assume it might have delayed anything going on anyway. As long as we get an egg... Please. I’m so ready to have our next baby. I’ve been doing what I can to keep my mind off things... But its hard.

Luckiest

When I woke up Friday morning I didn’t even want to test. I knew what the outcome would be and I didn’t have the urge. I wasn’t upset, I just didn’t care. But I tested anyway knowing that at 13dpo I should be able to trust the result without much question. I thought I caught the slightest hint of the line if you turned the test just right, but there wasn’t any line there. The test was negative - Not pregnant. I did at least discover the best thing about testing in a hotel... By the time the urge hits you to go HPT dumpster diving, housekeeping has already taken out the trash.

So now all that is left for this cycle is to wait for AF to show. I packed the necessary supplies just in case AF showed early - Tampons, Midol, even clomid.... But I didn’t expect her to be late. I’ve never charted an ovulatory cycle so I’m not quite sure what my LP is. In the past based off when I thought I might be ovulating my LP was 14 days but it is entirely possible I was off a day or two. I am 15dpo today so I expect the witch to show either later today or tomorrow. In the off chance that she isn’t here by Monday morning, I’ll test again. But I’m expecting that won’t be necessary.

.......

Our trip was nothing short of wonderful but entirely too short. While it was nice to sleep in my comfortable bet with soft, plush linens last night, I’m a bit sad to be back to normal life today. Tomorrow my husband will return to work, leaving before Caden or I (most likely) even step out of bed and not returning until dinner that night. We won’t hear his voice in the morning or see his face at the breakfast table with us for five days - and we surely won’t spend the day splashing around the pool with him or the early afternoon climbing through tree forts and racing down slides.

We were originally only staying two nights - Checking in on Wednesday and checking out on Friday. On the drive up we decided pretty quickly that two nights wasn’t going to be nearly enough and that another night was necessary. Lucky for us the hotel had the availability and even upgraded our suite. While I would love to lounge all day with my two boys with few cares in the world - Check out Saturday morning was perfect. Our entire stay the hotel wasn’t crowded at all... There were no lines for slides or crowds in the pools, lounge chairs were plentiful as was parking. Friday night you could notice an increase in activity and space was limited in both the water and the parking lot - and by Saturday the hotel was packed with weekend and spring break guests. Perfect time to make our exit.

The hotel was nice and clean and very cute. Our room was large with a separate sitting area and fireplace that came in handy during nap time. The linens could use an upgrade and the beds could have been more comfortable, but it wasn’t enough to dampen or moods or shadow our stay. There were 3 large indoor water park areas and each one had something geared for toddlers. Caden is such a little fish and loves the water - Every morning when we got our swimsuits on he would get so excited and literally skip down the hall “I love water!”. His favorite was the kiddie slides meant for guest 48” and under - he’d race down the slide into Mommy’s arms and then quickly run out of the pool to Daddy and go down again. He loved the splash parks and squirting water, and even went down some pretty big slides, too. He was happy to splash in the kiddie pools and loved to fight the waves and ride in the inner tubes of the wave pools.




After nap time and before dinner when dry fun was required, he loved to play in the four story tree fort - A network of tubes and slides, nets and foam balls flying around. In the evenings there was a song and dance show at the clock tower and a bed time story and by the time we got back to our room Caden was out like a light and ready to do it all again in the morning.

Our little mini-vacation couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m not dwelling on the negative pregnancy tests and I don’t feel defeated. Instead we’ll just try again and I feel incredibly lucky for the beautiful boy that I have. Every single day of my life I feel lucky and am grateful for that boy -nothing, especially infertility, will ever change that. But this trip has reminded me of the silver lining (if there was one) to our delay in adding to our family and that is I get more time with just my little boy. Of course I feel sad with each month that passes and another month separates Caden from his future sibling, and of course I know that once we have our second child the love will multiply and not divide. And of course I know that while our attention will be split it will be worth it.... But for the time being it is nice to be able to lavish all of our attention on Caden. To spend this time with just him - learning all about just him. And spending time with this wonderful little person who makes us laugh in ways we didn’t know possible.

Had I known that after February 2008 I would have stopped ovulating and been unable to conceive without medical assistance of course we would have tried sooner. If I knew a door was going to slam shut of course we would have been sure to slip our foot in the door before it locked. But we didn’t know so we went along with our plans and while I am angry and frustrated and sad that we are facing infertility, I am also happy we have had this time with our son. I read and talk to women facing infertility who already have plans laid to try for the 2nd, 3rd, whatever while still trying for the first. Plans laid to start trying again as soon as conception is possible - 6 weeks, 2 months... And while I understand that, I am grateful that I did not have to walk those shoes, though I wish I didn't have to walk this path at all. I am grateful that I have been able to fully enjoy my son as he is, my life as it is... And while so much of the past 7 months have involved infertility, it is not the main focus of our life - Caden is. And that is something I remind myself of daily. It is so easy to get lost here.

Steve and I originally wanted three children, the third being more spaced out than the first two. The third was never set in stone of course - nothing in life is. We still would love to have three one day and there are times I have thought that maybe we should start trying for that third as soon as we’re cleared after our second is born. But that thought is only fleeting - that thinking doesn’t work for me. I can’t wait for this part, the infertility part, to be over even if only temporarily. While I understand it will always be a part of my life now, I cannot wait to not think about it for a while. To enjoy my children and just be. To watch my baby grow and develop without the stress of tests and cycles and single pink lines. I can’t wait to learn the things about this next baby that I have with Caden - Will he love water? Will he laugh and giggle in delight at the sight of other small babies? Will he walk at 9 months too, or will he take his time? And I cannot wait to watch my little boy with our next child. I cannot wait to put this behind us even if only for a bit. To enjoy my family as I enjoy it now. To just be. And when the time comes if we decide to face these demons again, which I am sure we will, so be it. And if it doesn’t happen - At least I’ll be able to look back and know that I did not let this consume those months... Those hours.

I am the luckiest. And while I would have done things differently if I had known that infertility was in our future - I am glad I have been able to enjoy this time with just my son and my husband. I am grateful for our time as a family of three, and I am eager to enjoy our time as a family of four.
.......

We’ve already started planning our next trip back - If I was brave enough to face the crowds maybe we’d go back this summer. But after seeing the number of hotels and motels crammed into that little town.... I think summer is a time I’d avoid. We’re thinking of heading back this fall, winter at the latest. I loved the hotel we stayed at (Great Wolf) but with so many options available to us we’ll probably try another hotel and water park next time. The only downside is how expensive everything is in the Dells - I was a little shocked at how much we spent for such a short trip so close to home, but it was worth it.

And even in the cold we were able to spend time outside of the resort, too. While eating out so much did little for my stomach, it was still nice. We make it a point to have dinner at the table every night at home, but sometimes it is rushed - it was nice to slow down.
Outside of the water park we took Caden to an indoor amusement park and he even got to ride
his first ride. And since we had an hour to kill before checking in we even made a little fertility related field trip to rub some African fertility statutes - as Steve said we might as well exhaust all of our options.

But the best part of it all, for me at least, was simply spending the time with my husband and son. Uninterrupted, outside of the responsibilities of daily life, just the three of us. We really can’t wait to go back. I love spending time with my two favorite guys. I love my family of three.

Random Babbling....

For those who haven’t heard, there has been a recall on prescription prenatal vitamins. Not surprisingly, the one I’m taking is on that list so today I had fun going though the motions to get the new prescription. I’m being switched to one that is more expensive but not by much so not a big deal.
As for why the drugs are being recalled - it seems to be hard to get a clear answer. My doctor’s office says from their understanding the pills don’t have everything in them that they are supposed to, or they don’t have the necessary amounts in them.
.......

Our weekend was great - Yesterday we did get a day to relax but Saturday we spent the day running all over. We had a few errands to run and prescriptions to fill first and then we headed a few towns over to hit up Babies R Us to find Caden a new stroller. Afterwards we met up with my brother and his family and took the boys to Rainforest Cafe - Caden was scared of the alligator and didn’t know what to think of the first thunderstorm but other than that he loved it. He thought the gorillas were so funny. We finished up the day with a run to Ikea. It was just a nice day. And even better yet it kept my mind completely off of everything going on.

Tomorrow we are going to head out to the mall once Steve gets home to walk around and test out Caden’s new stroller. We’ve decided we’ll just go out to dinner then, too, since we were planning to go out for Valentine’s day anyway. Everyone we know to baby sit is coupled so we didn’t even try to find a sitter and I don’t mind my little man tagging along - after all, he is my valentine too. On Saturday I want to make a special treat for the boys - I just haven’t decided what. Then we’ll either make a yummy dinner or order in. So much eating out recently = bad, but we’ve made good choices so its okay.

So far I’ve had minimal side effects from clomid - Maybe a bit more bitchy... Or am I just using clomid as an excuse?? ;) Its nice but of course it makes me wonder if the drug is actually having an affect or not. I guess we’ll find out in a little over a week or so....

My Beautiful Boy

We took Caden for his 2 year pictures today - they turned out well all things considered. I gave up on trying to get a bruise free picture and I learned that taking professional portraits of an always on the go two year old is considerably more difficult than a baby. The boy just wouldn’t stay still. Even the photographer just kind of sat there and said “I’m shocked he doesn’t have more bruises”. But he was having fun playing with all the props and the big basket of toys so who could blame him? And we did get some cute pics so mission accomplished. The upside is that I also spent a lot less. During Caden’s first year we took him every 3 months for pictures and I must say - I grew a damn cute baby. The bad was I had to have all the poses and would always walk out spending hundreds. This time, while all of the photos were still adorable (My cute baby turned into a pretty adorable toddler if I do say so myself) it was much easier to narrow it down. The best part was that we walked out of there with $85 worth of photos (4 poses) for $35. How I’m still not sure. Well, I do know, but it was quite unexpected. I had my typical coupon for one free photo sheet and 20% off my order. My self imposed spending limit for this session was $80 so I was going to be fine with that. But then we got an extra $20 off even when I told her she didn’t have to for a promotion we joined when Caden was first born but never got to use. Either way I was expecting to spend at least $80, so it was a very welcome surprise.

While we waited for our photos to be ready and all that fun stuff we took care of a little shopping as well. I was most decidedly due for a new bra and figured now was as good a time as any - and let me just say I love Victoria Secret’s Ipex bras.
I look young for my age - I always have, and I really hope I always will (ha). Some people (but not all) treated us poorly while planning our wedding because they thought I was 16. The looks I got when I was pregnant with Caden? Fantastic. I’ve even been carded to buy scratch off lottery tickets.
Anyway... While hunting down the just right bra (they moved stuff around on me!) I mentioned to the sales associate that “they just aren’t the same after pregnancy and nursing”... And they aren’t. The 23 year old sales associate looked away and shuffled a bit. Finally she asked... “if you don’t mind.. How old are you?”. I’m 26. A sigh of relief and a little giggle “oh, because you mentioned you had a child and I thought you were 15 or 16”. Mmmm, I was happy. A new bra and I can still pass as 16 year old mother. Not bad.

Side note: I don’t think I still look that young. I get it from time to time, but not as much as I used to. Must depend on the day.... And how well Caden is behaving that week ;).

After all was said and done we took Caden on the carousel and headed home.

.......

My appointment this afternoon was fine. I wouldn’t say wonderful as there wasn’t much that happened and I honestly feel a little robbed of yet another $20 copay, but such is life. My lab results were fine - exactly what you’d want to see from someone about to start their period. We didn’t end up testing my LH after all, which is the one I was interested in, but everything else looked normal.

I’m starting Clomid again tomorrow (CD4-8) since AF didn’t fully come on until Wednesday night. Originally I was planning to take the pill at night as women on other boards suggested doing so that you sleep away any nasty side effects. When I told my mom this her eyes grew wide and she was quick to let me know that there was no way in hell I’d sleep though a hot flash. I know there are other side effects but I’ve decided to take my chances and I’m going to start in the morning. Perhaps I’ll regret that choice later, but for now we’ll see what happens. I just want to get started.

So now we sit and wait - cross our fingers and hope, and oh do I hope, that this works. I’m trying to be optimistic without getting my hopes up too high just to be dashed down again, but that is easier said than done. I am so very hopeful that if not a pregnancy, we’ll at least get one good egg. Please.

Tomorrow I have a few prescriptions to fill and errands to run, but otherwise it looks like a very relaxing weekend - something I need.

To end this post on an adorable note... A few more of my baby’s 2 year portraits...

Bumps and Bruises

AF did show without doubt yesterday and I’m glad. I’m actually really glad as if I would have just spotted it would have left a cloud of doubt over this entire cycle... Well, a cloud that is darker than the one that is already here. And I am quite happy that she decided to show before I was scheduled to take my 2nd dose of clomid as that would have made an even bigger mess out of things, at least in my mind.

And the even more good news is that I did have a nice lining which means I’m not low in estrogen. The only “down” to all of this is the timing, that AF finally decided to show after the labs and after we decided to move on without her.

I’ll most likely start clomid again tomorrow (CD 3) or even Sunday (CD5), depending on what my doctor wants to do. My question is if I’ll just take the 4 I have left or get another prescription for one more. In all the talking I believe my doctor said one pill isn’t going to make a huge difference, but I’m not sure what exactly that was in reference too, and I’d personally prefer to take the full 5 - give us the best chance at this cycle as its already off to a funky start.

I still have an appointment tomorrow to sit down and go over the labs we ran and decide when to start clomid again. Right now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the labs are all the same as before, or even a little better. Just please, no unexpected bad results.

.......

In other non reproductive happenings tomorrow we also have an appointment after Steve gets home from work to have Caden’s 2 year pictures taken. We were supposed to get them done yesterday but Caden still has a small bruise on his forehead from last week. Its light and hard to notice, but I think it would show up in pics. Its getting better so I am really hoping it is gone tomorrow and we don’t have to reschedule yet again.
Caden is an extremely active little guy (and I mean extremely) so I’m well aware that bumps and bruises are part of the game - but he hasn’t had a mark on his face in months. But, with pictures coming, I knew one was sure to pop up.
........

My dog is driving me up the wall today. She is currently baying and going nuts at the mail man, which is fine. But every five minutes she wants to go out. Then she wants back in. Then she wants back out. Then she is sitting up on the back of the big arm chair where she knows she isn’t supposed to be. If she hears me get down... The fact that she knows is what drives me crazy. I guess thats just a beagle for you and she is pretty cute... Just in or out.

And finally, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been playing with layouts again. I like it! I am so ready for spring to come. I miss playing outside and going on walks... Once the heat of mid summer arrives I’m sure to be bitching once more, but for now.... I miss the flowers.

Tag

I was tagged at Aramelle’s blog A New Wheeler for the world , to post 10 honest things. I won’t be tagging anyone back though. Not because I don’t want to, but because most of the people I would tag don’t know about this blog since I wanted to keep our current issues separate. Anyway, here is my list...

1. I’m way too nostalgic at times. Through all the hard times my life has been amazing and I feel so blessed, I just seriously wish I could press pause.

2. I have obsessive compulsive tendencies. I love to organize. I’m not OCD, but when stressed my lovely little quirks flare up. It has been under control for a long time now but was the worst in College. I was mainly a checker - it would take 30 min to leave the house so I could do a few full checks of every room, etc. Certain things had to be certain ways... I’ll still check the house more than necessary if I’m stressed but its no where near as bad.

3. I’m terrified of death.

4. I had a high risk pregnancy with my son - early onset pre-eclampsia, 4 months bed rest, fetal crash, emergency c-section. I secretly wonder if my infertility is my body’s way of telling me I won’t make it though another pregnancy with such a positive outcome.

5. I’m super emotional all the time - I cry at everything.

6. We have 3 cats and a beagle. The cats used to be my babies before the human baby came along - I feel guilty they don’t get the attention they once did.

7. I love to do all sorts of crafty things - especially scrapbook and paper craft. I wish I knew how to do more.

8. I’ve been eating like crap the past few days - I hate the way I look and need to work on that.

9. I’m a night owl - no matter how tired I am or even if I fall asleep - as soon as 9pm hits I’m wide awake.

10. Sometimes I miss working but I wouldn’t give up staying home with my son for the world. Seeing that he might be all I get, I’m eternally grateful that I had this opportunity.