Trying for Two

5 beautiful months

2010-06-19T10:31:00.005-05:00

Just as I had intended to journal my pregnancy I’ve failed at journaling the past five months. There are just not enough hours in the day it seems and while I do kick myself for not writing more, I’m also happy to say we’ve been living a full, busy life and these to boys of mine keep me on my toes.

Parker is over 5 months old now. Where has the time gone? I cannot believe in just a few short weeks we’ll hit the 6 month mark - half way through the first year. I’m so excited to watch him grow, to see who he becomes. But I’m sad at the thought that with that I'll be losing my baby. I look at photos of Caden from 3 years ago and its like a different person - Caden the sweet little happy, pudgy, always smiling baby is such a different person than Caden the always on the go, rambunctious, but still sweet and happy little boy. I can’t even really call Caden a toddler anymore - even looking at our family/maternity photos from October shock me to see how much he has grown. And I know that I’m going to blink and 3 year will have passed and Parker will be where Caden is and Caden will be 6 - I try so hard to remember it all, to get it all down, and maybe that’s why I love scrapping so much.

I’m not usually into material objects, but this year for Mother’s day Steve and the boys got me something that I am still so excited about - a Nikon D5000 DSLR camera. I still need to really learn how to use it and would like to take a class or two, but this camera means everything to me. It takes beautiful photos, and its through photos I most often save our memories. We have a video camera but I’m just not a big video person. Thankfully both my digital cameras record movie as well, or we’d have nothing.

………..

Parker is amazing. He has been everything I’ve ever dreamed for all those months trying, for all those months pregnant. I hold him and still can’t get over the fact that he is here, that he is mine.
He is such a smiley baby. Parker first started smiling at us at just 2.5 weeks old. My first thought was that it was too early but there is truly no mistaking who his sweet, gummy grins are intended for. Every morning since has brought me those big, beautifully,grins and a bad morning can never be had when greeted by that. He is a very vocal baby, too - he has been talking to us since he was about a month and he loves to go on and on. I love when we go anywhere and he just sits in his car seat in the backseat and goes on and on stopping only to blow a raspberry or two.

I’ve loved breastfeeding Parker these past 5+ months. From the first moment I put him to my breast, Parker has had a text book perfect latch. I love watching him nurse and after having no photos of Caden nursing, we’ve made sure to take plenty of Parker. It’s a beautiful relationship. Parker has always been eager about eating, too, shaking his head and latching on with enthusiasm as a newborn, and he still has enthusiasm when it comes time to eat. He loves to hold my finger while he is eating and to pop off for the occasional glance up and big smile.

Parker is developing beautifully, he laughs, rolls, scoots… he started rolling when he was between 2 and 3 months and rolls both ways with ease. He is starting to sit up a little bit and can do so unsupported for a few seconds at a time - then something usually catches his eye and over he goes. He can sit up with his base supported for quite some time. He loves to jump in his jumperoo and play with the elephant the Easter bunny brought him. He isn’t crawling but he is definitely mobile and rolls and scoots to where he needs to go.

Parker is without a doubt a Momma’s boy. When Momma is around that’s usually all he wants though he does tolerate others for a short time. He even started reaching for me about a month ago. While it would be nice to give my arms a break sometimes, or eat with both hands… I love when those sweet little arms reach out to me. And I don’t like him being passed around large crowds, so its nice that within minutes he is usually back in my arms where he belongs. We baby wear and that has worked out beautifully for us as well. Parker loves snuggling in the sling and the beco.
As much as he loves his Momma, Parker is also over the moon about his Daddy and big brother, too. He is always interested in what his big brother is doing and is always looking to his Daddy with big gummy grins. Those grins make our world turn and Parker loves to share them with us.

He has grown so much in these 5 months, we have all grown as a family. He is just beautiful. Every month on the 11th I take a quick photo, and those can be found here.

…….

Caden is doing great! He loves his role as a big brother and truly loves Parker, and Parker loves him. I remember when we were in the hospital there were times that Parker was only happy if he was being snuggled by his big brother, and there were times when Caden was hurting or upset and just wanted to snuggle his little buddy. Caden is recovering nicely from the surgeries - the scars will always remain but he has fully recovered otherwise. It amazing watching him these days - he is learning and changing before our eyes but even as he gets bigger and becomes more independent he is still our sweet little boy who loves snuggles in the morning, kisses all day long, and really is all of our dreams realized. Both of our boys are. I am unbelievably blessed.

Life with two has been easier than I expected and we transitioned easily from the start. Challenges have still presented themselves, but I couldn’t have hoped for things to go better than they have. Even so there are times I feel guilty I don’t have all the time I once did for Caden, and there are times I feel guilty that Parker will never have the one on one time that Caden did for all those years. But there isn’t a whole lot anyone can do about that - its just the logistics beyond the first. But in trade off, Parker benefits from having a big brother who things the world of him, to learn from, to love and be loved by.
Caden hasn’t had much one on one time with Steve and I since the baby has been born so we’re taking him out for a night just him. My mother-in-law is watching Parker for a few hours so we can take Caden out to Dinner and to see Toy Story 3 - and possibly a surprise along the way.

………..

In other family happenings, we’ve decided to take the boys to Disney World in September and are so unbelievably excited about this. While we’re aware that obviously Parker isn’t going to remember or get much out of this, it will be fun for us, memories, and Caden will. And after the March we had, I think we all deserve a little Disney Magic. We were hoping to do a vacation around fall when Parker was first born - When Caden was 10mo we went on a cruise and it was so, so easy to travel with a baby. Those plans were put on hold when the medical bills started rolling in but eventually things fell into place and as I’ve learned tomorrow isn’t promised, my children will only be this little for so long, so go to Disney today. And yes, we will go back again when the kids are older so it isn’t like this is a once in a lifetime thing for them. This will be all my boys, Steve included, first trip to the world. This will be my 5th but its been over 10 years since I’ve last been - and I can’t wait.

I apologize this post is all over the place but between 2 boys and the dog getting a full thought out is an accomplisment in itself. Plus there is so much to say and such limited time to say it. As always I hope to start writing more as so many thing touched on here are topics in themselves, but for now I'll go snuggle my sweet little boys, and end with this.....

Watch Me Grow!

2010-06-19T10:20:00.009-05:00

Birth
Newborn portraits - 25 hours old

1 month

2 months

3 months

4 months

5 months

The hardest part

2010-04-12T13:12:00.005-05:00

I’ve always wondered how they do it - the parents of sick and hurt kids, the guardians of tiny bodies undergoing big procedures, sitting by hospital beds and making huge decisions. I always wondered how they managed because I clearly couldn’t and was so grateful I didn’t know. And while it could have been much worse - now I do. The answer is you have no choice and try as you might to regain control, it all just spins wildly beyond your finger tips. And you just manage.
Its been a month since this all started, and tomorrow will mark 2 weeks since we were finally released after 3 hospitalizations and two surgeries and hopefully the end. When I first sat down to write this out, after we were released the very first time, I had so much to say. And I want to have everything down so I can explain to Caden when he gets older just how he got the scars that now litter his belly. Little did I know we were still facing a long road ahead of us and here is the short, but still very long version.

Friday March 12th started out like any other day. I smiled at the routine we had established around here and in the morning Caden and I decided to make necklaces out of froot loops. We played and he went down for his nap and everything was as normal as it could be. Caden woke up from his nap and everything was still normal - he ate a granola bar and played with his toys while I put dinner in the oven. Shortly before 5:30pm I took Caden into his room to get him dressed so we could run to the store and as I buttoned his jeans he whined “Mommy, my belly hurts”. My first thought was that his pants must be too tight and we’d be heading into 5T sooner than expected but I checked and they seemed okay. He did, too, and ran out to the living room to play. I sat down to nurse Parker and Caden grabbed his belly suddenly again, “Mom, my belly!” and then seemed fine. Steve came home a few minutes later and I told him that Caden seemed to have a belly ache and then Caden cried out again. Caden is a tough little guy - of all the tumbles and bumps and bruises, and there have been some nasty ones, he has never even been one to cry so I knew something was wrong. He said it again and I could tell he was in pain - I told him to lay down but he just jumped around.. And then he was fine again. Steve thought maybe he was just really hungry, and he hadn’t ate much for lunch, so he dished out food. I hoped Steve was right but at this point I knew something was very wrong. We sat down and Caden refused to eat and said his belly hurt once more. At that point it was enough and with dinner still sitting on the kitchen table we threw the kids in the car and headed to the hospital. It had only been an hour since the first “my belly hurts” and the decision to run out the door and I knew - I knew it was something serious and I was confident he was going to need surgery. I didn’t know for what but I could tell by his cries that this wasn’t something that was going to go away.

We checked into the ER and Caden was crying at this point saying over and over how his belly hurt and it was getting worse. I started shouting to get someone and do something as I tossed out his information and my ID - they had a nurse there right away and we were brought into a room. At that point Caden was screaming and rolling on the floor he was in so much pain and I just paced the room not being able to do anything for him - he didn’t want to be held, he didn’t want to sit down and there was nothing we could do. Each minute that passed I paced and panic welled up in my chest, begging for someone to realize that he wasn’t throwing a fit, that he was hurting. The minutes passed like hours until finally they got nurses and the doctor into our room. And then he started throwing up. At first I thought maybe the fact that he was crying so hard made him throw up… but then a few minutes later he started to throw up bile.

I told the doctor of the nights event as quickly as possible while trying to comfort my little boy as he wiggled and cried out in pain. The doctor made mention of a possible intussusception of the bowel and I just begged them to help him. Nurses came and phones rang and I just looked for support where ever I could find it. I’m not a deeply religious person but I called out for prayers for him. Parker sat in his car seat staring out at the flurry of activity around us, quiet and calm, as Steve and I draped ourselves over our little boy to help multiple nurses hold him down for the IV. He screamed in pain from the needles, in pain from his stomach, in fear of it all. I placed my cheek to his and whispered to him, terrified but calm. They finally got the IV in his arm and he was so tense that it blew and we had to do it all again. Finally they got the IV in his hand and he was given Zofran for the vomiting and morphine for the pain. He finally had relief and fell asleep from the pure exhaustion of the past two hours.

My mom came to help us after she had just got off a flight hours earlier from California. She came just as it was time to take Caden into ultrasound. She and I stayed by his side while Steve waited for us in the ER with Parker. I walked along side that big hospital bed carrying the exhausted body of my sweet little boy and I was numb. We went into a dark room and the tech would hardly even speak to me and I just wanted to know - please, please tell me if you see something, anything - a nod, wink, I won’t tell I promise. I could tell by her face she did, I could tell something was wrong. She left and got the radiologist who didn’t have the best bedside manner when dealing with distraught mothers but finally he spoke up. Caden did have intussusception of his bowel. There were xrays done and we were taken back to the ER room and I nursed Parker while we waited for the next step. Looking down at my sweet little baby as he nursed gave me peace if only for a few short moments.

The doctors came back and told me they were going to do a barium enema on Caden and that often this resolved the intussusception in most cases but first they did a regular enema to try to clear him out to give the procedure the best chance of success. They gave us a percentage - was it 85%? 70? In the end it wouldn’t matter. My mom had taken sleeping pills before this all happened and tried to throw them up as she left to come but couldn’t. It was late and we told her it was okay to go home and my mother in law was on her way.

People came back to the room, Steve stayed with Parker and I went with Caden again - I was alone now. First there were more xrays and then we were brought into another xray room for the procedure. Everything would be done under live xray so that the radiologist would see immediately if the procedure worked, or if there was a perforation of the bowel which was a risk. I maneuvered around the xray equipment and cradled his head the best I could and he was just so, so uncomfortable. I prayed, I begged and I pleaded to please, please let this work. But as the minutes passed and the conversations regarding what was happening went on I knew it didn’t.

The intussusception was in Caden’s small bowel and the enema usually worked when it was in the large bowel, where intussusception most commonly occurs. Intussusception in a child Caden’s age was already rare enough, to now see it where it took place was even more so. The procedure failed and there was only one option left.

Shortly after we were wheeled back into our ER room the surgeon arrived to talk to us. He took a detailed history of everything from Caden’s health (which wasn’t much, he has never even gone to the dr for anything other than well baby exams) to my pregnancy with him and aspects of my health history. And then in a blink of an eye we were winding our way back through the halls of the hospital and up to surgery.

The time was 1am and we were the only ones there so we were allowed to stay with Caden while he was prepped. Everyone was so kind to us. The nurse, an older woman who would cross our paths once more, let Caden call her Grandma. All too soon the time came to say goodbye to my son. Every kiss I gave him led to one more, I didn’t want to let go, I wasn’t sure if he knew enough how much I loved him, but then I don’t think he’ll ever know just how much I do and that’s okay. When Caden was a baby every day I woke up I was always amazed that I loved him even more than the day before. And when I thought I couldn’t possibly love anyone or anything as much as I loved him, I’d wake up the next day.

We were led to the waiting room and given warm blankets - everyone was cold but I was sweating. I paced the halls a few short minutes and then grabbed my keys and ran to the car. We only live 5 minutes from the hospital so I ran home to grab the things we’d need - Some extra diapers for the baby and his detachable bassinet top, Caden’s blanket, clean clothes and toiletries for us. I made my way through the halls of the empty hospital, twisting and winding passed locked doors as I tried to make my way back to the ER. I ran into a nurse in the hallway who offered to escort me through all the locked points - She asked if it had been a long night and I made mention of my three year old son. “Oh, you’re Caden’s mom!”… everyone was already beginning to know who we were.

The streets were empty and it was raining. I turned my stereo up as loud as I could manage in an attempt to try and drown out all the voices in my head. I raced around the house to gather what we needed, tossed everything in the car, and raced back. By the time I made it upstairs I had just missed the call saying surgery hard begun.

We waited.

The lights of the family waiting room had all been turned down, the large television hanging on the wall was off, rain feel quietly on the windows. No one walked by, no one was there. The ventilation system hummed and seemed to echo in the halls and we made small conversation. The phone rang again - they were just finishing up and someone would be out to talk to us soon.

Doors opened and the surgeon walked out and smiled at us. I stared at him… at the man who just finished cutting into my child’s small body and I wondered, did he know? What did he feel and think as he did it? Did he know just how much that little boy meant to me? How special he was? How loved he was? Of course he could never fully know, but I prayed those thoughts crossed his mind.

Caden had something called a meckel's diverticulum. I could explain it but at this point it is easier to link, and that was the lead point that lead to the intussusception. The surgeon explained this to us down in the ER, that he had suspected it due to the location of the intussusception and Caden’s age and we were all relieved to find an answer, a reason… it was removed and thus the intussusception was less like to reoccur. They also removed Caden’s appendix since they were in the neighborhood I suppose is the best way of putting it.

Before long we were beside caden’s bed again, walking through the locked doors of the pediatric unit and into his room, one we would know too well. MIL had gone home as it was 3am and she had work in the morning. I sat and watched my little boy sleep, I held his hand, I kissed his face. I went over papers and intake with the nurse, Amy. We had made the decision earlier that evening that it made the most sense for Steve to spend the night at the hospital with Caden and for me to go home with Parker since he needed me to eat and his own bed, but oh did it hurt to walk away. And for the next several nights it was our routine - I’d tuck Caden in and wait for him to fall asleep, sneak down the elevator and out the front doors of the hospital, get home in time to try to clean up some of the damage from running out so quickly that Friday night, do a bit of laundry, and try to sleep a few hours before getting back before the doctors made their rounds.
That night I got home at 4am. Parker slept peacefully while I started into the darkness - every word from multiple doctors replaying in my head over and over until I finally drifted off.

Caden went into the ER Friday night and the surgery was around 1am Saturday morning. There was hope we could go home by Monday afternoon but there were set backs. When he was started on water he eventually threw it up. When he made it to soft foods, he eventually threw it up. There was a diaper filled with blood after his first bowel movement. We walked the halls a lot and played in the toy room. Caden had plenty of visitors and his room filled with toys and balloons. On Monday he was even able to go down to the lobby to see Raleigh, one of the therapy dogs. The routine continued and we made sure he was never alone. Steve was there all night and we were both there all day except the few times Steve ran to the office for a few hours. Our family helped us out, staying with Caden while we’d run down to the cafeteria to eat. Parker stayed with us and I know it helped Caden that he was there - he would ask to see Parker in the morning and snuggles with him all day long. People commented on how well we held it together and only once did I really break down. Saturday night after Caden started to throw up again - We turned on his Curious George movie and as the music started I flashed to images of him at home, where he should be, and excused myself to the bathroom and cried and cried. After a minute or two I composed myself and joined everyone else.

Sunday was rough - Caden woke up wiggling and crying out in pain. I demanded he have another ultrasound and just as I did the surgeon called to say he wanted testing just to be safe. I sat in the wheel chair and Caden crawled into my lap and placed his head on my chest and despite how big he has grown he fit perfectly in my arms, just as he did when he was a baby. We were wheeled into Xray and images started flooding my mind - him as a baby, with his big gummy grin smiling back at me from our front lawn. His chubby thighs and bright eyes, his bald little head. Image after image they kept coming and I silently cried.

Everything looked fine on the xray - in the end we believe the pain was from Caden holding his urine in and his bladder pressing on everything. The surgeon told us that after abdominal surgery sometimes kids did that - associated the pain with anything going on in that general area. He finally went to the bathroom and everything was okay.

Caden slowly got better, kept liquids then foods down. He was happy and loved to play and walk the halls, saying hello to everyone he met. Late in the afternoon on Wednesday, March 17th we were released. And for 5 days everything seemed back to normal. We played, we had fun. We moved to put this all behind us.

Monday, March 22nd
Once again the day started out completely normal. Morning turned into afternoon into evening into night and I tucked my boys into bed. Steve was out and my neighbor had come by and we chatted. She headed home and then around 11pm I heard a cry from down the hall. Please be the baby, please just be a hungry baby. Parker was fast asleep in his bassinet beside my bed.

I walked into Caden’s room and he was tossing and turning as he whimpered in his bed, “My belly hurts”. Three little words that will strike fear into all of us for a long, long time. I crawled into bed with him and scooped him into my arms and rubbed his head as he fell back asleep. But after a few minutes the wiggling would start again and he’d cry out once more. Again he’d settle down only for the pain to return and as it did I could hear his stomach gurgling and churning. I got up and stepped into the hall and paced nor sure what I should do and he threw up all over. My first thought was to take him to the ER so put Caden in the tub and called my neighbor. She heard Caden crying in the background and came running over.

Once Caden was cleaned and in new jammies he seemed to be doing better. I placed a call into the pediatrician and when the on call doctor called back he thought what I was hoping, a stomach bug, and suggested I watch Caden for 24 hours. Caden started to cry out in pain again, not as bad, but hurting. And then he threw up once more.

I buckled Caden into his car seat and showed my neighbor where my frozen milk was and how to thaw it so she could stay with Parker. Steve was on his way home and instead would just be meeting us at the ER. When we got there they were in the middle of a shift change so we waited. And Caden threw up more, and cried out more, and they brought a nurse to bring us in immediately.

Once again Steve and I found ourselves draped over our sons body as the placed another IV in his left hand this time. Once again he was given zofran and morphine and Caden perked right up! He laughed and played and was happy as could be. Steve and I even giggled at how silly he was being.

We were originally told they would be doing a CT but they later decided to use the CT as a last resort due to the increased radiation. We found ourselves back in an ultrasound room and for my xrays - if they showed anything then we’d continue with the CT. Everything looked okay on both exams but Caden was admitted anyway for observation. Seeing how great Caden was doing now and that those images were all clear I started to think it was just that, a stomach bug.

None of us slept that night. Steve went into work straight from the hospital, I went home, showered, grabbed Parker, and headed back. Caden woke up in a terrible mood after only a few hours of sleep. His white blood cell count was up so they wanted a urine analysis and had a collection bag on him. He refused to pee in it - he’d rather let his bladder explode before he was going to pee with that thing on him. He was in pain because his bladder was so full again and the surgeon was talking of the CT. I was scared of the radiation after what I’d been told and asked if they could promise me nothing bad would happen due to the radiation, “we would like to avoid a CT if at all possible” was the only response I was given, not reassuring in the least. He would also need to be sedated.

I told them to take the urine collection bag off and they did since they would just cath him while sedated. They took it off and caden emptied his bladder and all was right with the world. He was calm, pain free, and wanted to watch George and asked for a popsicle. Since he was doing so well I asked that we hold off on the CT and just observe him, see if the pain returned or if he threw up. Everyone agreed. In the end I wished we had done the CT right then, but hindsight is 20/20.

Caden did great - he ate Popsicles, he played, he bounced off the walls and ran around the floor. He drank and ate popsicles. Wednesday morning the surgeon rounded and laughed at how energetic Caden was as he jumped up and down excitedly and played with his monster trucks. “sometimes we never know why these things happen and they resolve themselves - he looks great and I see no reason he can’t go home as long as he eats and keeps it down”.

Caden asked for Mac and cheese and excitedly ate it all along with a banana at 11am and around 1:30am with him still completely normal, we were released. We thought it must have been the stomach flu and we walked out of the hospital.

As we walked out of the hospital into the beautiful spring day, Caden gripping the stroller happily and Parker smiling up at me, I was uneasy. I knew it wasn’t over, something wasn’t right even though Caden seemed perfectly fine. The drive home I went over everything in my head - how could it be the stomach flu? He had no other symptoms, nothing. I didn’t call anyone to tell them we were home, I didn’t update face book or another site I’m on. I said nothing because I just had a feeling.

We were home an hour and the phones were ringing and that is when I told people he was home. At around 3pm he said those three nasty little words… My belly hurts. He’d say it, then would be fine and play. He wanted to go outside, he wanted to watch George. And then he’d say it again.

I called the pediatrician and they suggested that I just bring Caden in with me in the morning since Parker’s 2 month well baby was then anyway, a rescheduled appt after the first surgery. I talked to our family about it - maybe its just gas, maybe its just attention. Maybe, maybe, maybe… I tried to believe but I knew. Us moms, we always know and should there be a lesson to be learned in all this I fully believe it is to trust your intuition.

Steve was at work and was about to head home when I told him. The tone in his voice dropped. When he got home Caden was still saying his tummy hurt, but it wasn’t like before, not as bad. Steve got home from work and made us a quick bite to eat. Caden crawled into my lap and fell asleep. Eventually he crawled to the other side of the couch and slept for an hour or so, I wish I could say this brought any of us relief but I could see his face wince even as he slept. I placed a call into the surgeon on call and he called me back at 7:30pm and we talked. While we were talking Caden woke up and he could hear Caden cry out in the background. At that point the surgeon suggested we bring Caden back to the ER for the CT scan - it was still early in the night and if nothing else we’d have some peace of mind.

Steve put Caden in the car and took him back to the hospital while I got my neighbor and settled her in with Parker. Steve called telling me to bring some clothes and something to clean up the car - Caden threw up all over.

I raced back to the hospital to meet them there in disbelief.

I was immediately led back into the ER to Caden and Steve - everyone there knew us. Even the doctor, who hadn’t been involved in Caden’s care, was aware of him due to the meckel's diverticulum - I guess word got around. At one point I paced the hall and saw a familiar face - I recognized her but couldn’t remember from where. Thinking about it we believe she was the woman who performed the 2nd ultrasound and was much more kind and helpful than the first. She smiled and said hello and then realized where we were and just walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me.

Once again Steve and I were draped over Caden as they placed another IV in him - this time in his arm as he still had the holes in his hands from the pervious IVs. He was given zofran again as he was continually throwing up bile and then they sedated him for the CT, expecting him to fall asleep. The nurses were all shocked when he never did. Steve and I held his hands and kept him calm during the procedure and we got the images that were needed. When we made it back to our room in the ER Caden was up and happy - he seemed fine and asked for drinks he couldn’t have.

I paced the hall as I talked on the phone, keeping concerned friends and family updated as to what was going on and the glances on the face of the ER staff grew more concerned. Our main nurse walked into the room and I asked if they had read the CT and she said yes. I knew she couldn’t tell me anything but I asked anyway. She knew we had been through the ringer and wasn’t going to make us wait and told us - Caden had a bowel obstruction and the surgeon was on his way.

The ER doctor came in and explained everything to us but of course his answers were limited. Before long the surgeon walked in and explained everything to us - he would try to do everything laparoscopically and his hope was that it was a simple adhesion that would just need to be snipped and that would be it. I signed the forms stating that but with notes and knowledge that he could have to be opened up this time and that there was the possibility of a bowel resection. And then we began to wind our way back up to the OR.

Caden’s 2nd Surgery
It was like a terrible nightmare replaying itself. The same nurse from the 1st surgery met us in the hallway and Caden remembered her and greeted her with a friendly “Hi Grandma!”. Again it was the early hours of the morning by now and the OR was empty so we were allowed to stay with Caden in pre-op. Despite being awake and alert this time Caden was calm, like he understood. The time came to say goodbye again and I found myself holding and kissing him, hoping, praying it was enough - for him and for me.

Instead of going to the waiting room this time we went to our cars - I was becoming engorged and needed to pump and Steve would move the other car to the accessible entrance from pediatrics. I raced home and checked on Parker and pumped. My neighbor assured me not to worry about her and to just get back to the hospital. I raced back on the empty streets, the music up once again but this time it didn’t work and my mind wandered to images of my child’s body on an operating table.

The elevator doors opened into that familiar waiting room - the lights once more turned down, the halls empty, the hum of the ventilation system… Steve had turned the TV on this time though. Steve told me I had just missed a nurse not even 30 seconds before giving an update… we had hoped the surgery could be performed by lap again but they had to open him up. I can’t remember if it was then or later we were told, but they also had to remove part of his small bowel. It was 2:30am.

Steve laid down on a chair and I paced the halls, changed the channel on the TV, sat in chair after chair. Finally I sat and rested my head against a window and peered out at the cars below as it started to rain. I then laid my head down on a chair and stared at the OR doors, begging them to open with news, only glancing away to look at the clock. Surely by 3:30am we’d have another update.

Every noise jolted me - a door opening, Steve coughing. 3:15am came and nothing. Then 3:30am. I sat up and shifted in my seat, the anxiety was building inside of me. Finally 3:45am approached and nothing - I frantically paced the halls, looking for someone, anyone, and nothing. I sat back in my chair and I under the weight of everything I just broke and started crying hysterically, gasping for breath. Steve raced over to me and wrapped his arms around me but I was inconsolable, I just needed to let it all out. I regained composure, caught my breath, and the doors finally swung open.

The surgeon sat down beside me, took my hand, and smiled as he spoke. “the first thing I want to tell you is that Caden is okay, he is fine and did great”. He explained to me what happened, that as the bowel healed from the first surgery a closed loop was formed. He was able to untangle it laparoscopically but did not feel comfortable leaving it - the bowel was so inflamed he was sure if he left it we would find ourselves back in for a 3rd surgery so he made the decision to open Caden’s abdomen and remove that section of bowel. He told me that Caden would be fine and would continue on with his life just as he did before surgery, nothing had to change. And he promised me that this was the end of it, this was the last surgery, and that we could see him soon.

A few minutes later the nurse from pre op, Grandma, came by on her way out to see us. She was so kind and we were so thankful for her - Caden felt safe because she was there. She told me I needed to sleep, I must have looked a mess. She told me to get home and get some sleep before Parker needed to eat but I couldn’t leave without seeing Caden. She smiled and said okay, lets go. She brought us through the locked doors and told the recovery nruse we were coming even though we weren’t supposed to be back there, and everyone was okay with it. We walked around the corner and there was Caden sleeping on that hospital bed, monitors beeping and a kind blond nurse standing watch at his side - I smiled in gratitude though I don’t know she realized how important she was to me. She stood by my baby’s side and watched over him when I could not.

I wanted to be strong and I didn’t want to cry even though Caden wasn’t awake. I laid my head down and rested my face on his warm, soft cheek and just breathed him in. He was okay and that was all that mattered but it was so hard to see him like that. I whispered to him over and over again how much I loved him, how proud I was of him, how he was everything to me. I lifted my head off his and wiped away the pool of warm tears I left on his cheek. Steve grabbed my hand and as we walked away I saw the recovery nurse wiping tears from her face. It helped to see that, to see that Caden was just as special and cared for by all the people around him. That he wasn’t just another body cut into. And that he was truly cared for when we were not allowed by his side.

Recovery
Overall recovery was easier the 2nd time around though slower. He never threw up, no blood soaked diapers. The first day was so much harder through. He was on Morphine and slept most of the day away and because he was on the morphine he was on extra monitors that he didn’t have before.
We went much slower this time with introducing food and liquids, giving his bowel plenty of time to rest. By the time Saturday rolled around he was a little beast and understandably so. The constant blood draws and poking and prodding and being tied down to IV poles - but really he was so hungry. One of the nurses felt so bad she allowed him to eat 5 cheerios and his attitude completely changed. Caden was the only patient on the pediatrics floor for a lot of our stay so he got all sorts of extra attention. The nurse offered to take him on a walk one day so I could grab a quick bite to eat and he went to the lobby and got to play the piano. All of the nurses were absolutely fantastic and we would have been lost without them. I only hope they know just how special they were to all of us and how much they all helped us get through this.

Monday he was finally allowed to eat regular food and got breakfast, lunch, and dinner and kept all of it down. By Tuesday morning his white blood cell count had returned to normal and we were discharged that morning.

It has been almost two weeks now since Caden was released and he is currently climbing the couch and sliding into a pile of pillows he stacked up with a proud “tada!“ followed by skipping down the hall to play with his toys. He lost a lot of weight in the hospital but as started to gain that back. When we first got home you could feel his ribs through his shirt when you rubbed his back but already he has gained some weight back. Things are normal, but I know that doesn’t mean much. Leaving the hospital that last time, it did feel right though. Steve and I took the boys on a walk, Parker’s first finally, and just enjoyed being home, together. We’ve celebrated Easter and played with toys and are settling back into that sweet routine I smiled at in the morning hours a month ago.

The best part of all is that Caden is on his way to making a full recovery. That he is back to his energetic, playful self. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. And while we still are watching him with a close eye and late night whimpers and the words “my belly hurts” brings on anxiety like steve and I have never known, we are moving past this and I am, without question, forever grateful, thankful, and blessed.

See it in a new sun rising

2010-03-09T11:54:00.019-06:00

Parker’s Birth Story
Since my first son, Caden, was born by emergency c-section I’ve known I wanted to try for a VBAC. I wasn’t angered by my c-section and I didn’t have grief - Caden’s birth was necessary for both of us and after the months of bed rest and preparing for a premature baby, ending with a full term, healthy, perfect little boy trumped incisions and everything else for me… but I knew that should my next pregnancy be free of complications and allow, I wanted a VBAC and I was determined. I assumed that preeclampsia or kidney issues or skyrocketing blood pressure might take that chance away, but I never imagined ended up on the operating room table at 41 weeks, 1 day with absolutely no progressing toward labor what so ever.

The months before Parker’s delivery were spent reading and preparing and the weeks before delivery were spent doing everything we could think of to encourage Parker to join us. Capsules, teas, pineapple, exercise balls, visualizations, stairs, walking, sex, a full moon, a blue moon, a snowstorm... I started to feel like I was living a birth inspired Dr. Seuss book - “full moons and blue moons and even letting Daddy do as he please, couldn’t and wouldn’t encourage Parker to leave!”. Eventually I began to bargain with the baby, beg the birthing gods, and even attempted to sway Muphy’s law “Maybe if I don’t shave my legs for a while…..” None of it did anything. At 39 weeks I ended up with one hell of a stomach virus and as I placed a call to my OB at 11:30pm sure I was on my death bed my OB joked “Hopefully this should send you into labor!” - It didn’t.. and I am sure I’d prefer a c-section to laboring through that hellish experience anyway.

At that point I was just miserable. I was angry and snappy that I wasn’t even progressing despite the daily onslaught of Braxton hicks contractions. I was upset. Finally, toward the end of my 39th week, I realized I was most upset that my perfect pregnancy - the one I beat all the odds with… no bed rest, no preeclampsia despite my multiple risk factors, no gestational diabetes despite my PCOS, no kidney issues.. Was now overshadowed by this. I loved every minute of my pregnancy - I got to do all the things I didn’t with Caden. I had adorable clothes and loved showing off my big round belly in public even if it did result in stares at the end. We took maternity photos and did a belly cast (haha) and went on vacation. We have photos of my belly with pumpkins at the pumpkin patch and I ached for days after a marathon Christmas shopping session. I got to do all that I missed out on when I was pregnant with my first. And now I was just a big crabby pregnant woman because my cervix wouldn’t budge and my baby was floating and nothing was happening - and no matter what I did I had no control over the situation. So I took control back. I decided that I wasn’t going to allow this to cast a shadow over the last few moments I had with my sweet little boy wiggling and bumping and pushing inside me. I was going to enjoy those last days with my first little boy as my only, I was going to sit back and soak in those last moments as a family of 3. I’d keep on doing what we had been in hopes that labor would come soon but I wasn’t going to focus on it and if it wasn’t meant to be, then it wasn’t. In the end as long as my baby and myself were healthy and happy that was most important. What I wanted was a non-traumatic birth with a happy ending. I didn’t want another induction (not that it was an option anyway with a completely unfavorable cervix and all). Finally I felt like I regained control, I was happy, and those last days of my pregnancy were spent in the same bliss that I found myself in the months before.

At my 40 week appt I had an NST and the normal routine. My blood pressure was high - it had been borderline for weeks but now it was over that line. Parker did okay on the NST and the AFI was at the low end (exactly) of normal. I was to come back that Friday, 3 days later, for another AFI and a blood pressure check. My c-section was scheduled for the next Monday, January 11th, in the event I didn’t go into labor on my own before then and now with my blood pressure even higher and other info received that date remained - going any further posed to many risks in my mind and my doctors, especially with my BP. I laid down for a few minutes and luckily my blood pressure went down enough that I was able to go home with instructions to continue monitoring.
I went to my final appointment a few days later - my fluid measurements remained the same at 8 so my doctors were okay letting me go the weekend. My BP was good enough to wait, too.

With Caden I was induced on a Monday and he was born just after midnight Wednesday morning. We were exhausted and worn out and I looked just terrible - the photos we have that include Steve and I from his birth are traumatic themselves. So I decided that if I was going to end up with a c-section this time I was going in prepared. Friday after my appointment I went in to have my hair done and the day before that was a Mani-pedi. Saturday we spent running errands and I bought another nursing gown to wear in the hospital since it was starting to look like we’d spend a few more days there than we had planned. We stocked up on groceries for Caden (MIL was staying at our house with him half the time, the other he was going to my Mom’s) and for when we got home. Sunday was reserved for cleaning - I never did get that nesting urge that I so longed for so there was a lot to do…. Instead we spent the day in our jammies sprawled out in the living room building block towers with Caden. Before we knew it evening had come and it was time to get to work. We let Caden stay up a little late and then I tucked him into bed and crawled in with him for a few minutes of simple snuggles, then Steve and I finished up around the house, packed the last few things we needed for the hospital. In-between all that I took a few long walks along our cold snowy streets with my neighbor in hopes that just maybe Parker would make his entrance on his own… he didn’t.

Monday, January 11, 2010.
We didn’t crawl into bed until well after midnight so morning came early. I still had hopes that just maybe I’d be woken by contractions but at 5:30am the alarm went off and I got in the shower. The morning was quiet - the news played in the background and Caden was still sleeping. I did my hair an makeup, got dressed, and admired my big round belly in the mirror one last time. MIL arrived around 7:15am and I woke Caden up for some last minute snuggles and Steve loaded the car - we needed to be to the hospital by 8am. A little after 7:30am we said our good byes and headed on our way.

When we got to the hospital my Mom was already waiting for us in the lobby. The intention was that she would be with us before surgery but as we checked in we learned that wasn’t possible. She sat with us as we checked in and then headed to take care of some errands and stop by to see Caden until she could come see us. After all the questions were answered and lines signed, bracelets were placed on mine and Steve’s wrists and we headed into the Maternity center.

The halls were quiet and empty as we made our way through. As we were led back toward the surgical section of the ward a nurse stopped and asked us our names
“Just who I was looking for!” she responded and instead led us to our suite where we would be doing pre-op and as long as everything went fine, post op as well. This was also the room we would spend out first days with our sweet little boy.

The rooms at our hospital are beautiful - large with stone bathrooms, toiletries laid on the counter, real furniture. There is a huge window and the morning light was pouring in over a blanket of soft white snow outside. It was kind of surreal standing there - after all these months, a year and a half.. I finally arrived.

I changed into my gown and climbed into bed and nurse put the IV into my arm. I texted my friend and chatted with Steve while we monitored the baby and myself. I was having all the Braxton hicks that I had been but still no progress. My only “regret” from the birth of my child came from now - I was so wrapped up in the c-section I didn’t see the joy that was that morning. I wish I had the smiling pics of us pre surgery, I wish I wasn’t so… not myself. Eventually I did let my guard down a little though and we laughed and joked with my nurse, who might I add was fantastic.

My OB, Dr. L1, came in a short time later and we chatted while she filled out some paper work and finally the time came to head to the OR. I asked if I had control of any musical choices and I did, but my other OB, Dr L2, had requested a specific OR that had the best layout for me to be able to see the warmer after the baby was born - I asked him to be able to see the warmer and he said he’d do his best, that it all depended on how far they could stretch the cord from the outlet. He proceeded to go in and choose the OR with the best option for this - but it was one without a CD player.

Finally we were ready and we began the walk down to the OR - Steve came with us half way but had to wait until the spinal was administered to come in.
I climbed onto the table and everyone said hello and was so friendly and kind. They placed warm blankets over me and the anesthesiologist explained everything again. I rolled onto my side and started to cry. My nurse came over and grabbed my hand and then my OB came over and held the other. There was a pinch that wasn’t pleasant as I was numbed and then I was warned there would be pressure and I braced myself for what I remembered after getting multiple lumbar punctures in the past… but I felt nothing. No pressure, no pain.. I was shocked when it was done.

What came next was the only downside to the whole experience really - when they were doing my catheter my knees were bent and as the spinal took hold it was the last feeling my brain remembered. I wanted them straight and had a minor freak out trying to straighten them and not being able to - the reality is that they were straight, my brain just didn’t register that and it was stressful not to be able to move my legs. Finally I calmed down and somewhere in-between surgery began. Steve sat at my head and held my hand.

The anesthesiologist would occasionally adjust the oxygen mask in front of my face (I didn’t have to wear it) and it would remind me to breath - as the minutes passed I realized I was holding my breath.

Welcome to the world, sweet baby
In all the months we tried to get pregnant I’d imagine that day I’d get my BFP and cry - I’d dream of every milestone a pregnancy would bring and the tears would roll off my face. But the afternoon I got that BFP my face was dry - I was excited and shaking and so incredibly happy, but the tears never came. I assumed once I saw that beautiful flicker on a black and white ultrasound screen I’d finally be able to cry in relief as I dreamed I would… but when the day came the tears still did not. I spent so many of those early weeks waiting - waiting to be able to sigh that breath of relief but instead I sat in quiet reservation, almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. The NT ultrasound, the 20 weeks, making it past where I got sick with Caden, blood tests, kicks and bumps and wiggles… I’d take a breath and move onto the next step.

The minutes passed and I heard a tiny voice for a split second - he hadn’t even been born and only his head was out, but I knew that sound - that amazing, beautiful sound. I knew who that was and I felt a few tears roll off my face. I took a breath and held it once more. I heard someone mention the cord around his neck and to hold on as they unwrapped it. There was commotion and then there was noise - a loud, strong, beautiful cry of a life that just entered this world - That seconds before existed only within me. He sounded different than Caden - deeper. 3 years later and I could still remember exactly how my first baby’s first cry sounded.

The curtain dropped and I saw my beautiful, messy, perfect baby crying with his face all scrunched up and it was everything I ever dreamed. I finally exhaled and I just sobbed. I cried and cried - for all of it. I finally allowed myself to release every tear that never came - for the positive pregnancy tests, the flicker of a 6 week old heart beat, a healthy baby, for my beautiful, perfect, sweet little boy. And in the bright lights of that sterile operating room on that cold winter morning, with my husband at my newborn baby’s side and my first little boy safely at home, I smiled and all was right with the world. My sweet Parker was finally here and healthy - born at 9:59am, 7lbs, 14oz, 19.5 inches with Apgars of 9 and 9.Parker was then brought over to me - I wrapped my arm around him and snuggled my face to him and reveled in that moment for what seemed like days.

Steve went to the nursery with Parker and the anesthesiologist said he was going to give me something to take a short nap until I got back to my room. He put something into my IV - a minute or so passed and I was still asking my OBs all about what they were up to down there and I simply heard him say “maybe not”.
My doctors made mention of how nicely I heal and that my ovaries and tubes looked fantastic so that was a definite perk to the c-section.

Before long I was done and it was time to head back to my room - everything went perfectly so I didn’t have to go to recovery and was able to be monitored in my suite. We got back to the room before Parker was done in the nursery so my nurse slid the phone over to me so I could make calls if I wanted. I called my Dad and then my Mom and let her know she could come up in a few - and I heard her tears through the phone.

It was mere minutes that passed but it felt like hours while I had my eyes glued on the door. Finally it swung open and there stood a nurse “is that my baby!?” I sat up a little disappointed to only see her. She stepped into the room and behind her walked Steve pushing a bassinet. He lifted up a tiny little body and smiled, “he is like a feather”. He then placed that tiny little life in my arms and I was finally home.

Those first hours
At one point Parker started to cry and I snuggled him close and whispered to him as I did with Caden and he instantly calmed down. In so many ways I couldn’t and still can’t remember Caden as a baby, so it was amazing how every thing came flooding back to me. I smelled Parker’s sweet smell, I stroked his chubby cheek, and I took every bit of him in. And then I put him to my breast and he latched on immediately and perfectly. I thought Caden was easy to nurse but Parker had it down from the start.

Before long my Mom was here and she got to snuggle her newest grandbaby. A nurse soon walked in with a beautiful bouquet of white roses, blue delphinium, and a balloon from Steve and my Mom came with roses, clothes, and lots of yummy snacks.
I had requested before the surgery to be present for Parker’s first bath so the nursery brought down a warmer and once his temp was up they cleaned him and placed his beautiful warm body back into my arms.

We took pictures and texted and her husband, Charlie, came by to meet the littlest man, too. They didn’t stay long but their visit was nice and I was so proud to show off my littlest man.

After my Mom and Charlie left, the monitors turned off and the nurses gone, it was just the three of us. I sat and snuggled Parker and Steve and I smiled down at our little boy. As we were getting out of the car that morning I hit eject on the CD player and grabbed the first CD that popped out. We put it in the CD player, pressed play, and just sat in complete awe of the day with the music playing softly in the background - just the three of us on that perfect afternoon. The CD was Coldplay, X & Y and to this day Parker still quiets down and listens contently when every they are played.

The rest of the day we requested no visitors. It was just us and it was just perfect. Watching my husband take care of our son and take care of me I fell in love with him all over again. As a 2nd time dad he was completely at peace and comfortable in his new role - changing diapers, snuggling Parker close. He kept calling Parker his little peanut and couldn’t get over how light he was after living with an almost 3 year old. I couldn’t get over how blessed I was, how perfect this all turned out, and how every step along this path, every tear and every joy, more than paid off in the end. And for those hours on that cold winter day the world seemed still outside or door and nothing bad or imperfect could ever make its way in.

The days to follow.
The remainder of our stay in the hospital was a blur. Tuesday was non stop visitors but luckily that slowed down on Wednesday. At only 25 hours old Parker had his very first picture session and we cried when we saw the photos. He was so alert when he was awake and you could see him taking in every bit of his new surroundings just as we were taking in every bit of him. We were floating and so in love with this little being and so blissfully happy - I found myself feeling guilty at times that it wasn’t like this with Caden. We were exhausted and overwhelmed and hadn’t slept in days during his birth and while we were still in complete and utter amazement and love with him, this was just.. Different. We were calm, relaxed, rested and every bit of our souls poured onto our brand new baby boy. And with every second that passed I thanked the lord for how incredibly blessed I am.

Recovery for me went well and I was up and running as soon as they took that IV out of my arm. I did my hair and my makeup and changed my clothes. I sat and visited and was glowing and so very proud. I did have some pain issues late Tuesday night as the cocktail of meds and painkillers that were in my spinal fully wore off and I realized just how much I had been overdoing it, but an adjustment in pain meds and the promise to take it a little more easy and I was back to feeling alright. Around that time my blood pressure also started to skyrocket getting dangerously high at times on top of the previously HBP from the last weeks of my pregnancy. Luckily it came down enough and stabilized that while still high and still hypertension, I wouldn’t need to be put on meds at that point, and, after my eclampsia panel came back clear, I would be able to go home with some additional appointments and at home monitoring 3 times daily. By my 6 week check up my blood pressure had started to go back down and was out of hypertension and slowly returning to normal.

Steve and I would walk the halls of the maternity center with our baby boy in his bassinet. It was still so surreal to be back there. We walked past the suite we stayed in when Caden was born. We walked into the labor and delivery wing and past the room I had labored in almost 3 years prior. We walked and talked and smiled at all of our dreams for the future - for Caden, for us, and for this sweet new life sleeping soundly in the bassinet in front of us.

H1N1
Visitor restrictions due to H1N1 prevented Caden from visiting us in the hospital and it broke my heart and was something I was very stressed out over leading up to Parker’s birth. Originally we were under the assumption that he would be able to come to the lobby and I could go out and see him, but in the end that wasn’t a possibility anyway. Steve had said there were a bunch of clearly sick people sitting out there one evening anyway (they had been denied entrance due to symptoms) so he wouldn’t have wanted me to go anyway. I broke down sobbing once after talking to Caden on the phone but he was fine and having fun and Grandma made sure to send photos. In the end I am actually kind of glad it worked out this way - while I would have loved to have been able to see Caden in the hospital and missed him terribly, we were allowed some time for just Parker that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. It helped that in the end Caden wasn’t the least bit upset. He was very happy to come home and see his Mommy and Daddy and was so in love with his baby brother once he met him, but he wasn’t upset or angry.

Heading Home
Finally Thursday came and we were all clear to go home, though it didn’t happen until 6pm that evening. Packing our belongings, signing the forms… it was bittersweet. I couldn’t wait to take my baby home, to see my little boy, to finally begin our journey as a family of four… but at the same time I couldn’t believe it was time. That the BFP, the pregnancy, the delivery, had all come and gone. That my sweet baby was here and healthy and so perfect.. And that he was already old enough to go home. I was sad to already see the days passing so quickly. Life after Caden was born moved faster than I could imagine. My pregnancy had come and gone in the blink of an eye. I knew that these next moments would pass all too quickly.

We picked up dinner on the way home and called my mom to bring Caden home to us. We quickly ate while Parker slept. I nursed him and snuggled him into his bouncer just in time for Caden to arrive. Caden was so happy to see his mommy and Daddy and beyond thrilled when he saw his baby brother. He kneeled down in front of Parker’s bouncer and peered in at him, “Hi baby!” he chimed as he blew Parker a kiss. He was so interested in this little person, just as we were, and has been every since. The love he has for his baby brother melts my heart. We did have issues with a bit of jealousy, especially when I would nurse Parker, but as the weeks passed things improved daily and were never “bad” to begin with. I have been impressed at just how well Caden.. All of us… are adjusting overall.

Steve was home with us for 2.5 weeks total and it was wonderful to sit held up in our house just the four of us. I will always remember those days and just how perfect they were. No obligations, no phone calls, just us and our boys snuggled up in pure bliss. I had looked forward to those days just the four of us my entire pregnancy and they were wonderful.

The days since
Eventually Steve returned to work and life has settled into our new sense of normal and we’re learning how to do things all over again once more. We definitely lucked out and Parker is a ridiculously easy baby. He loves snuggles and being held, currently snuggled into my chest, and while this makes it difficult to accomplish a whole lot some days we are more than happy to oblige. I find it all too easy to get lost in his big, dark eyes and he is always smiling and cooing. I am so very proud of both of my boys and couldn’t imagine a happier ending to this chapter of our lives and I am so incredibly happy and excited to begin the next.

Looking back
While a repeat c-section clearly wasn’t what I had hoped for and definitely wasn’t what I had planned - I can honestly sit back and say I am happy with how everything played out in the end. There will always be a part of me that will wonder and wish my body would have gone into labor, but in the end I did everything I could. Had my blood pressure held out a bit longer, if my fluid levels had been a bit higher… I think I would have liked to wait it out at least a few more days. But after Caden and knowing the risks.. They weren’t ones I was willing to take and waiting longer wasn’t an option for even me.
My main wish regarding Parker’s birth was for us to be healthy and happy. I didn’t want a traumatic birth, I didn’t want days of exhaustion, I didn’t want any harm to him. After Caden’s birth I was still able to look back on that day and see it as the wonderful miracle it was. After all we had been through, he was safe and sound and that day was the best of my life. After hearing from other c-section moms who could only see grief and pain and disappointment, I was so happy that I could look back and see joy and beauty. My biggest fear with Parker’s birth was that I wouldn’t be able to look back on his birth and feel the same way. I loved being pregnant - every bit of it. I was so incredibly grateful to get to experience a normal, healthy pregnancy and for all the memories made in those 41 weeks. I was terrified my perfect pregnancy would end with trauma or disappointment. But it didn’t. The day Parker was born was more beautiful and perfect than I imagined.

We do want another child and have already talked among ourselves and my doctors about when, given our past and such. I’m undecided if when the time comes I’ll try for a VBA2C, or if its even an option. But if not I am okay with it. I’d actually prefer not to go through the stress of trying to put myself into labor again, to feel like I’m racing a clock, worrying about placentas and breech babies and everything else. Prior to Parker I didn’t see how birth without labor could feel right. I didn’t think I could be okay with it. But in the end I don’t see how his birth could have been anymore wonderful. In the end I am reminded that the manner in which a child is born is only one piece of the puzzle, that we all must play the hand that we are dealt, and that life is what you make of it.

Its taken me so long to finally allow myself the time to really sit down and write this out - I feel as though I should end it with some profound statement or quote - but everything to be said already has been. I suppose to anyone who made it this far I owe a thanks, but I feel I owe everyone who has supported us through this journey that and hope to have that support in the years to come.

I think back to this time a year ago - we were packing our bags and getting ready to head on our first trip to the dells. I was at the end of my first clomid cycle and in a week would start the cycle that would bring me to Parker, that would bring us all to today. I look back and smile though a little sad to realize at just how much Caden has grown in just one year - he was still such a baby then and now is so much a boy. I think to the future - to all the firsts that this new year has brought and will continue to bring. I think about our next trip to the dells and I dream of the day we do this all again. I pray that this pregnancy has worked more miracles than the one sleeping sweetly beside me, that perhaps I will be one of the lucky ones who had my cycles reset.

But most of all I look around me - at my two boys, my husband, so many sweet memories framed and hung proudly on our walls. I look around and am forever grateful for all that I have been given. And I am forever blessed.

Welcome to the world, Sweet baby

2010-01-26T20:36:00.007-06:00

On January 11, 2010 at 9:59am we welcomed our precious little boy, Parker Andrew, into this world. He and the days since have been everything I dreamed.

I have so much to say and so much I want to get down so I never forget - Like the way he stretches in the morning and gets his whole body into it, or how he sticks his bottom lip out if you brush is face with your finger while he is sleeping, how he smiles big gummy smiles while dreaming and the noises he makes while he is nursing. I never want to forget how perfectly he fits in our arms and how Steve and I have the hardest time putting him down. I always want to remember that first day, snuggled up with him in pure amazement of just how perfect he is, unable to take my eyes off him with the music playing softly on a cold winter day - and how for those hours the world seemed still outside our door and nothing bad or imperfect could ever make its way in.

I have so much to say… but for now I’ll enjoy the last hours and day I have held up in my perfect world with my husband and two amazing little boys as Steve has to return to work on Thursday. These past two and a half weeks have been nothing short of amazing and it makes me a little sad that the real world is already knocking on our door, that my sweet baby is already 2 weeks old, that my first blessing, Caden, already turned 3 this past Sunday. But seeing my first baby tuck his little brother in and lay on the floor talking to him, watching my newborn son sleep sweetly in his Daddy’s arms, and snuggling Caden while Parker nurses…. Life is so very good. And every step along this journey - every tear and every celebration, has more than paid off in the end.

I am forever thankful and forever blessed by all that I have been given.

Parker Andrew - 25 hours old

2010-01-12T09:55:00.022-06:00

Parker Andrew
Newborn Portraits
January 12, 2010 - 25 hours old

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T23:58:00.001-06:00

I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas even though this year found me exhausted, often crabby, unable to walk well or move at times, begging for the energy to even wrap presents, etc. Even so, I still find myself sitting here in the last hour of Christmas night, listening to the last carols play on the radio in an otherwise silent house, sad to see it go.

I love Christmas - it is my favorite time of year. I love fall so much as its leading to now. I love the snow, the cold, the hustle, wrapping presents, baking, our tree and lights. I love gathering with family and anticipation. I never imagined I’d be so extremely exhausted at the end of pregnancy though and didn’t do very much of that at all this year and I feel a little sad that I missed out on some things. Luckily I have a pretty fantastic husband who helped me clean the house and bake the last of the cookies last night and did quite a bit in regards to cooking dinner tonight and cleaning it all up so I could lay down and shut my eyes.

I assumed that since I didn’t have the energy to get as into the holidays this year as those past I wouldn’t be quite so sad to see them go.. But I was wrong. Even without the energy to do everything I normally love… this Christmas was the best ever. Caden was so into opening his presents and just so filled with excitement and happiness over everything and my second son, the one I wished so deeply for this time last year, rolled and bumped inside of me… cookies and pretty tags and bows just didn’t matter.

Last night we went to my mom’s to celebrate with her, my brothers, and their families. The boy’s were quite spoiled - Grandma really goes all out. Caden was so into opening those presents and just couldn’t wait to get his hands on the next - and it wasn‘t even about what was inside.
When we got home I let Caden open one of his presents - a pair of snowmen jammies (4T btw). He opened the present and exclaimed with all the excitement he had and ever so genuinely, “A BOX!!!!!”. After he opened the box and shouted with just as much enthusiasm “Snowmen!”, Steve helped him put on his new jammies - you’d have thought they were painted on. Poor kid, he looked hilarious! That was a big fail but even so he didn’t mind. Steve put him to bed (in a pair of properly fitting, though less festive, jammies) just in time for Santa to come and fill beneath our tree and Steve and I finished up some last minute prep for guests Christmas night. We took out our camcorder to charge the batteries, the video from last Christmas still inside (I tend to use my camera more than our camcorder even for video - a habit I wish to break) - he has grown so much in one short year. I try to take every bit of this time with him in and lock every detail away in memory but no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend just how quickly he has grown.

Christmas morning came and I loved hearing the excitement in Caden’s voice this morning as he stepped into the living room, looked at the tree and all the presents waiting and exclaimed “presents!!!” He happily sat and waited while Daddy made our traditional Christmas breakfast of cinnamon rolls and then he got to dive in. He was so genuinely excited about every thing he opened - the first being his little brother’s presents (just in case). Parker got a pretty new bouncer and when Caden tore off the paper he turned and looked at me with the happiest face and shouted “A baby!!!!!” He didn’t realize just how correct that statement was.. However Parker is the one deciding on when to make that arrival.

It was just a wonderful morning watching the joy in his little face over every little thing. Steve, I mean Santa, brought him a race track that shoots his disney cars around in loops and the look on his face when his Daddy started it up for the first time was priceless. “OH WOW!” he shouted as he laughed.
Mom and Dad were spoiled as well of course and I love everything I received… but it just doesn’t compare to how happy Caden and Parker have made me this year - and I know Steve would agree.

I am without a doubt the luckiest. I am without a doubt blessed.

…………………………

Obviously we’re still waiting on the biggest gift of all this year - I think its safe to say he finally dropped over the past few days and my pelvis is sure feeling it. Steve is sure this week coming up, week 39, is the week but then my Dad was sure Parker was making his arrival Christmas eve and my friend was sure Wednesday (2 days ago) was the day. Myself… I have absolutely no idea. Part of me agrees with Steve, part of me thinks he is holding on until the new year. Hopefully soon because I don’t want to fight the section fight.

While we count down the days we have plenty to keep us busy - the focus now can turn to baby and getting the house ready - big stuff is done at least! Since we hosted a small dinner tonight a lot of the cleaning is done but the decorations still need to come down… I think I’ll go ahead and wait until new years day as I normally do - entice Murphy’s law to take effect and make me kick myself for not taking the tree down sooner, of course now that I said that….

Snow storms and ultrasounds at 36 weeks

2009-12-08T17:15:00.002-06:00

Today Steve had the morning off of work and we all woke early for a final ultrasound - part for my peace of mind. I was high risk with Caden (preeclampsia at 22-23 weeks) and find the lack of monitoring this round strange but welcome - really enjoying the whole normal pregnancy thing. Caden was born by emergency c-section and we’re hoping and planning that Parker will be born by VBAC - at one point my placenta was over my scar slightly which worried me but I’m happy to say that while still right out front, its high and far from the scar.

Caden came with us to the appt and did great - he was supposed to go to my mom’s but due to snow the roads were a little messy and traffic filled so we just brought him with us rather than be late. He was happy to play with all the toys and everything went much more smoothly than I anticipated.

Parker looks great - we got a bunch of pics but you can’t see much in any of them due to how scrunched up he is. He spent most of the ultrasound with his hands tucked up by his little face playing with his toes and a peek around displayed what appears to be a good amount of hair on his little head, something I’ve been wondering about due to all the heartburn I’ve been experiencing this time (minimal to none with Caden and he was bald until 2!). Seeing his little hands and feet just made me ache to hold him. I’m still hoping he holds off until after Christmas and I know I’ll miss being pregnant… but I cannot wait to see him, to feel is tiny fingers wrap around mine, to kiss his soft skin and tickle his tiny feet.

We did get an estimate on his size and while I don’t put a lot of faith into ultrasounds and know they can be off, I think this is a pretty good estimate and is exactly what I was thinking it would be. Parker is estimated at 7lbs 1oz and I’m 36 weeks, so already a good sized baby. I was fully expecting him to be over 7lbs at this point even though Caden was born 7lbs 6oz at 39 weeks. I’m already much bigger than I ever was with Caden and when I run my hand along my belly feeling Parker’s back and poking at his tiny knees and feet he just feels big.. long. He isn’t measuring obscenely big or anything and its not a cause for concern - he is just going to be bigger than Caden. I’ll be surprised if he is less than 8lbs. In so many ways I’m expecting Caden again… my little bald adorable baby… its going to be crazy to see this completely different little guy come out.

The rest of my appointment was fine except for one pretty big detail - my freaking blood pressure. I knew it was creeping up from my readings at home and the appt today confirmed that (136/88). Low enough that I avoided bringing home a little brown jug but I left with the promise to continue to monitor at home so that I can come in for labs in the event my BP is regularly above 140/90. Its been up there a lot the past few days which honestly made no sense to me and now I think my machine needs new batteries. The past few readings have been higher but safe, the biggest difference is fiddling with the batteries first. So, next time I’m out I’ll pick up a new pack.

My urine strip was fine - no protein or sugar but even when my 24 hr urine came back above 500 with Caden it didn’t show much. For the entire 2nd half of my pregnancy with Caden I was spilling over 300 but the most I ever showed was a +1 once, so I don’t trust those a whole lot. I’m terrified of that little brown jug because I know if I get sent home with one its going to be above 300, preeclampsia or not. My baseline was already above 200 which is high for a female of my age (I also have tested positive for ANA so its something we need to start watching more closely and I’ll probably start seeing someone 4ish mo after Parker is born at request of my high risk obs). I feel a bit of swelling in my face but I get terrible “pregnancy face” and a big fat nose so its hard to tell the culprit. Hands and feet swell when I do too much or don’t drink enough - nothing to worry about. Weight was fine - I’m up about 24-25lbs this pregnancy. I no longer fit on the scale unless I stand sideways, hehe, so I haven’t paid too much attention to the numbers but I either gained nothing or lost a little from last week - so really things are looking good.

I worry about the high BP taking away even a chance to VBAC. My doctors haven’t even mentioned it so its not being held over my head - after one hissy I already had I think they know better (plus the dr I see most understand my need for control and issues not having any here, so she handles those issues better than others). But I also know that high BP is always one of those vbac no-no foot notes. I brought it up to my mom and she reminded me (in a sincere and helpful way) that a year ago at this very moment I wasn’t even sure I could get pregnant again… and here I am. In the end I will do what is best for my children. But for now I plan to lay off things that seem to trigger swelling, stick to actually taking it easy as I am supposed to, and lots of water. And definitely new batteries in my blood pressure monitor.

I also had my GBS swab and 1st internal - fantastic fun. I still remember just how much internals hurt but the first few are usually not too bad. Parker is -3 station, cervix is open on the outside but closed on the inside and I’m 50% effaced - all to be expected at 36 weeks.

After all was said and done we did the usual ultrasound routine as we’ve always done this pregnancy and headed out to breakfast - Oh was I hungry and I wanted it ALL! Sadly there wasn’t enough room to stuff it all in. My stomach has been squished up and now when I’m hungry… my left boob growls. Caden actually did fantastic at the restaurant, too, which is often hit or miss. When we got home Steve was able to shovel the drive from the inch or two of snow we got this morning before heading into the office and Caden had fun playing while he did. I need to buy him some snow pants.

Tonight the snow is falling yet again and we’re expecting several inches - reports vary. Hoping the worst holds off until Steve heads home and I haven’t got that call yet. Part of me wants to go shovel the drive for him but I know that probably isn’t the best idea. I love the snow and with the exception of my husband having to drive home in it, look forward to snow storms. I remember looking out the window of my L&D room the night of my induction with Caden over a perfect, soft blanket of snow - nothing better than on Christmas and the day you’re winter baby is born.

A Big Brother and Final Preparations

2009-12-07T09:38:00.003-06:00

Saturday morning we all woke up bright and early (well, earlier than I’d like!) to take Caden to his Big Brother class at the hospital. One of the main reasons I signed him up for the class was that it included a tour of the maternity section and such and I thought it would be nice for Caden to be acquainted with the hospital before seeing his Momma there for the first time. However, h1n1 restrictions have banned my little guy even though he poses no risk so there was no tour, and he won’t be allowed to see us while in the hospital after Parker is born. It is a policy that I find pointless and feel is detrimental to the well being of new mothers and families, especially when L&D is one area of the hospital that could easily screen for sick people rather than just banning anyone under 18, but that is a rant for an entirely different day. Hopefully our stay in the hospital will be short and sweet since Caden really isn’t going to understand being pulled away from his Mom like that. Anyway…

The class was nice - Caden got a big brother t-shirt and coloring book to take home and colored a picture that I’ll save. We looked at a book and had a snack while waiting for class to begin and then the nurses read all the kids a story. They went over how to hold the baby using dolls and went through various baby items and feeding - Caden was happy to exclaim “Paci!!” when it was presented - he hasn’t had one in a long time but the fondness remains. There was a puppet show and a slide show to take place of the maternity tour… who knows, maybe the restrictions will be lifted in time for Parker’s arrival but its doubtful. Finally Caden had a blast at the end running around and playing with the other kids.

I’m not sure how much everything actually prepared him for just how much his world his about to be rocked, but then I also think he does understand more than I give him credit for. The fact that Momma’s big round belly contains a little human being is such an obscure concept to even me that I don’t believe he could grasp it… but maybe I’m wrong. We talk about Parker a lot and Caden exclaims “Parker!!” when he gets a glimpse of my belly. He is happy to give Parker kisses and rubs and to tell us that parker is in the belly…. But sometimes Parker is in his belly, too, and sometimes he likes to check in with the doppler as well. We tell Caden that Parker is a baby and Caden loves babies and Caden will talk to my belly as he would a person “Hello Parker, How are you doing, Parker?” So maybe he understands more than I know. Of course how much he understands that this little being is going to come live with us in a few short weeks and Caden will have to share his Momma from now on is something I think will be a bit more difficult to accept. I don’t except the transition from only to big brother is going to go perfect and I’m sure Caden will act out… but I also think it will go better than expected and I know he is going to be an amazing big brother.

We’re slowly but surely getting things done around the house in preparation for Parker’s arrival. Caden has been in his big boy bed and the crib in the nursery for months now and Caden had not a single issue with that transition nor has he wanted his crib back. The nursery is painted and all the big projects done. With the exception of a gallon ziplock of baby socks that has gone missing, most of the laundry is done and organized. I still need to wash the crib bedding but my plan is to old off as long as possible due to the cats enjoying a snooze here and there in the crib. I still have plenty of small projects to keep me busy and tons to do for Christmas, but as long as the aches and pains and sniffles stay away I think I just might be able to get a lot of it done.

Last night Steve put the bassinet together and we rearranged some of the furniture in the bedroom to accommodate it. I still have some basic cleaning and organizing to take care of but should Parker decide to arrive earlier than anticipated, at least we have the basics ready to go.
Caden was quite interested in the bassinet at first but is now aware that it is for the baby - “it’s the baby’s bed! He goes Ni-night there!”. We still have plenty to do but I feel great knowing progress on the little things is being made.

Plans for this week include a nasty snow storm coming Tomorrow - I’m actually looking forward to it though I hate that Steve has to go out in in and I’m not quite sure how the driveway is going to be cleared - may have to wait for Steve to get home. Tomorrow morning we have our final ultrasound and a routine OB appt and I’m hoping to finally get in for my massage on Thursday. My mom is taking Caden overnight on Satruday and to a Christmas Party on Sunday - Steve and I are using this time to have a date night and to do my belly cast. And my general goals for this week include:

Finish sewing basket liners
Finish mini albums for Christmas
Hang photos in hall
Organize book case in nursery
Finish our bedroom and baby nook

I’m hoping this is the beginning of a renewed relationship with my blog. I made sure to take the photos, record the footnotes, and enjoy this pregnancy to the fullest extent, but I do regret that I didn’t record more of it here. The good news is that I did elsewhere so at least I have something. I’ve always had to much I wanted to say but didn’t give myself the time (or energy as it seems these days) to sit down and say it. I’m hoping that all changes. I have so many details recorded and saved from Caden’s birth and first days and plan to do the same for Parker. In an attempt to catch up I did spend a good chunk of yesterday morning updating our Maternity and belly pics and even included a handy dandy link on the left. Now to just keep up! As the snow blankets outside it feels like the perfect time to recommit myself ;)

Belly Pics

2009-12-06T11:30:00.004-06:00

41 weeks

40 weeks

37 weeks

36 weeks

35 weeks

32 weeks

31 weeks

30 weeks

28 weeks

27 weeks

26 weeks

24 weeks

23 weeks

22 weeks

20 weeks

18 weeks

16 weeks

14 weeks

12 weeks

4 weeks

Maternity/Family Photos

2009-12-06T11:11:00.008-06:00

On October 17, 2009 we had a maternity/family photography session at a beautiful park in Wheaton, Illinois. These are a few of our favorite images out of over 700+! I was 29 weeks pregnant.

Unedited

Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T16:19:00.002-06:00

A year ago I laid on the table in a dark exam room for an ultrasound that confirmed my diagnosis of PCOS.. Even thought the labs already said it all. I remember being sad and being upset, but I don’t remember those emotions being overwhelming - At that point I already knew we weren’t getting pregnant on our own. I already knew something was wrong. When the first labs came back I cried knowing there really was something wrong, that it was something I had to deal with the rest of my life. That this wasn’t something that would just fix itself (though I still hold out hope). But by the time the ultrasound came, even though I had hope there would be nothing there, reality had started to settle in.

I remember starting Provera and Met and feeling hopeful, and perfect timing with the holidays and all. We had a great Christmas - I loved being on Provera that one time simply because it meant I didn’t have to think about infertility or ttc or temping or stress. I just had to focus on that step and the hope.

I remember standing at the island in the kitchen decorating Christmas cookies and humming along to the music in the background. I remember so clearly being able to see myself next Christmas, now this Christmas, doing the exact same thing with a big round pregnant belly. I remember smiling at the thought.

And here I sit, exactly one year after that ultrasound, with my big round 34 week pregnant belly realizing just how correct that mental image all those months ago was. My baby, my second little boy, is pushing around back and forth inside me. I’m talking to a friend, reminiscing about funny stories from those first few weeks after Caden was born and with each laugh Parker wiggles and pushes as if he thinks its funny, too… or maybe he just has even more grand plans in store for us.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am thankful for so very much. For my beautiful little boy Caden who is so funny and so sweet and gives the best hugs in all the world, for my husband, my family, a healthy pregnancy and my baby soon to join us. I am thankful that I am able to look back and see the good. That there was good - there always has been and always will be.

And on a side note, I actually had more to say but managed to burn my thumb with boiling water so thats all for now!

It’s A.... (and we have a name, too!)

2009-08-26T12:27:00.004-05:00

I guess its probably a good think I don’t have any sort of formal commitment to this blog - yet I still feel absolutely terrible about being so slow when it comes to update. Its not that I have nothing to say - at any moment I have a million thoughts running through my head - rants to post, moments to remember, whatever... Its the execution of actually sitting down and getting it out that I lack.

I’m 21 weeks pregnant, over the halfway mark and the next 19ish weeks are going to be over in the blink of an eye. They’d pass quickly as is but with fall, the holidays, etc mixed in there this baby is going to be here before we know it.

On the 18th we had our “big” ultrasound. The best news of the day was that our baby is healthy and all looks well - measuring right on track and estimated to weigh 12oz. We were also able to confirm that we are in fact having another little boy!!! We were running a little late to the appointment and while he was super active in the car, by the time we made it he was all tuckered out so we didn’t get a ton of good pics. We were able to see him in 3D in an attempt to get some better pics of his face and profile and while the pics are nice for 20 weeks, 3D ultrasounds this early, when baby is lacking fat, are pretty creepy. Even in creepy mode though he is still adorable of course! The newest pics of our little man, Parker Andrew, can be found by clicking here!!

After the ultrasound Steve and I had a really nice day together. My mom had Caden and we knew he’d rather play there than go shopping so it was just us for the first time in a long while. We bought clothes for winter and fall for both of the boys - I loved buying itty bitty baby items again. Because both of my babies will be January boys, we already have lots of seasonally appropriate clothes, but I want Parker to have his own - plus, its fun ;)

As for me I’m doing well! My next appointment is on the 1st - this is the point that I got sick with Caden so of course we’re all holding our breath a little. The good news is any swelling (and there has been extremely little) has been isolated and explained by lots of activity and heat. My weight gain is stead and is at 5-6lbs total. I had a dentist appt yesterday and they took my BP and it was a little high (135/86) which scared the hell out of me - but of course I was at the dentist. I grabbed some batteries for my BP monitor at home and have started to monitor myself. At home my BP has been in the low 120s/70s - this mornings reading was 114/67 - so my BP actually looks to be doing well.

As it turns out I have an anterior placenta this time - its located on the right side of my belly. Lucky for me, Parker loves to hang out on my left so I still feel him wiggle and kick move quite often. I don’t think its quite the frequency it was with caden as I can’t feel him when he is turned into or behind my placenta, but I feel him all throughout the day and I love it :) I can even see his larger kicks!! Today he gave me several good ones to the belly button, one was strong enough to move my hand.

..................

We’ve been in baby mode around here quite often and I love it. My energy seems to come in spurts and after the productivity of the last two weeks, I find myself lazing it up quite a bit this week. We finished our shelving project in the garage, finally finished the hall closet door (trim and hardware), bought all of Caden’s new furniture, picked everything up (well, mattress set and bed was delivered - dresser is on backorder but should be shipping next week), cleared out my scrap room and moved most if it downstairs, ordered Parker’s bedding, set up the crib... I still have a ton I need to do though and should probably start formulating a list - they seem to keep me on track. Every room needs organizing, especially Caden’s. The closet of Parker’s room still needs cleared out and I’m hoping to get some work done in there over labor day weekend. The house needs a nice deep cleaning, shopping, scrapping, Halloween, Christmas, 3rd Birthday... Lots to do and minimal time to do it.

I’m also hoping to set up some sort of maternity/family portraits, probably for the end of October. We also went ahead and booked another trip to the Dells the first week in October. When we took Caden there in March, I knew I wanted to take him at least one more time before a new baby came (that cycle had failed, so timeline was unsure). We’ll be taking both our boys up many times I know, but I wanted one more with just him. So thats what we’re doing! We’re going to be staying at the Kalahari this time :)

As stated we did get Caden's "big boy" bed and that is all set up. Once the dresser gets here we'll probably move things around a bit but for now it works and I like it. Caden loves his bed but its taken a few days (and getting up rather early) to get used to it. Things have gone extremely well so I'm not complaining! Dragon and Dog love their new bed, too :). I still find myself amazed at just how quickly he is growing. Seeing his crib set up in the other room again (its been a toddler bed for almost a year now) is crazy... I can't believe he has moved on, and soon there will be another little man sleeping in there. It seems like just yesterday Steve was setting up that bed while we anticiapted the arrival of our first... not that 3 years have actually passed.

Well, another long rambling update that went a million places. I really wanted to document my thoughts and emotions better this pregnancy and while I jot notes regularly in my pregnancy planner, its not the same. So I’m going to get some things done around this house, and make it my goal to update this journal with at least a few of those thoughts wandering about my mind on a much more regular basis. And I suppose a few belly pics are needed!

2nd Tri, NT scan, Still the happiest

2009-07-12T10:43:00.003-05:00

Today I am 15 weeks pregnant with a healthy little peep and securely in my second trimester. While I am well aware that nothing is guaranteed, I'm feeling much more secure and positive and all I want to do is enjoy the last 5.5 months of my pregnancy to the fullest - There isn’t a Momma on Earth more happy than me. (And wow - can we really only have 5.5 months until we welcome this little one?

I know as I approach my 22/23rd week and beyond there is sure to be a little hesitation, watching in the mirror more, checking hands and feet, watching for weight increases and keeping an even closer eye on my BP - 22/23 weeks is when I developed Preeclampsia with Caden and began my 4 month stint on the couch. But I'm feeling good about things - Despite the PCOS and the +ANA and my already sluggish kidneys... I refuse to anticipate the same path. I haven't gained any weight yet (down 2 lbs) and while I'm sure to start gaining now, with Caden I was already packing on the pounds. I remember with my previous pregnancy my feet and lower legs would tingle if I stood too long... I can't remember when it started but so far so good. I do remember that by this point last time I couldn't wear both my engagement ring and wedding band comfortably at the same time, and by the end of the day it was very hard to get any ring I was wearing off. Currently I can wear both rings without issue. I just feel good, very good, and I am hoping that is an indication of the months to come. I do not want to be on bed rest for any length of time - We have so much planned for this fall - Apple picking and the pumpkin patch, Halloween parties and mommy and me classes, and hopefully a trip with Caden up to the Dells. I want to go out in public and show off my big round belly, I want a reason to wear cute maternity clothes and have fun with my son, and most of all I want no reason to sit up at 4am worrying... crying over a tiny sleeper in a soon to be nursery.

::::::::::

Just about 2 weeks ago Steve and I found ourselves at the hospital in the office of our High Risk OBs for our NT scan. Despite the common reason of "I wouldn't abort so I don't get screenings"... We wouldn't abort so we DID get the screening - to prepare, to ensure our child the best possible outcome.... but thats a post for another day. Anyway...

Beyond the test it was nice to sit down and talk with one of my all time favorite Doctors, Dr. K. We saw him every month or so in addition to my regular doctors for the 2nd half of my pregnancy with Caden and he was awesome.

First up was the ultrasound portion and blood prick...
It was amazing to see our baby now, at 13 weeks... His/her tiny little arms and hands, swimming and kicking and flipping around. If it were up to me I would have laid there for hours watching him/her. At the end we did take a look between baby's legs and have an early guess, but it really is much too early to say for sure and we're trying not to get attached to the idea, though we kind of already have.
My risk for Downs Syndrome based on Age alone (I'm 26, 27 in August) was 1/898. After blood and ultrasound, that risk is now 1/2692. Age alone risk for Trisomy 13 & 18 was 1/1741. My risk is 1/34,801 - So, normal results - screen negative.

We sat down with Dr. K afterwards and talked mainly about my previous pregnancy, current diagnosis, and where that leads us now. He started me on Baby Aspirin again and now we just wait and see. We also talked about my baseline 24hr urine being a little high and coupled with the ANA it is something we need to start keeping an eye on. Dr. K gave me the name of a doctor he likes and about 3-4 months after I have the baby I need to start getting regular checkups. He said its nothing to be alarmed about right now, maybe it will develop into something, maybe not... maybe 5 years from now, maybe 10.... but this way we'll catch anything that may develop early and have a plan in place.
We'll also be going back to Dr. K on September 3rd (22 weeks) for a heart study - Nothing to indicated anything wrong with the baby (heart looked great) but my little brother has a heart condition and while I do not believe it is genetic, Dr. K wants to be on the safe side.

::::::::::

Last week was another prenatal appointment with my main OBs. Again everything was normal - baby's HR in the 160s, down 2 lbs, urine and BP looked good, etc. We chatted a bit and set up my next round of appointments - Another routine OB appt on August 4th and the "big" ultrasound on August 18th.

We decided to go ahead and discontinue use of Metformin as we were now in the 2nd trimester. The benefit regarding miscarriage is no longer applicable and any further benefit to continue the drug is still unclear. My dr decided to further research continued use of the drug and I did my own - from the talk on boards I assumed I'd find undisputable evidence to continue the drug and I did not. I found many articles supporting continued use... but then I found many articles that showed no significant results. In the end we decided, and I agree, its best for me to go off the drug.

I'm excited about this... we're weaning off and now I'm down to my last week at 500mg (was at 1500). I'm excited not to have to remember pills, I'm excited at the prospect of being "normal" again, though I know that really isn't true. And I don't want to be putting drugs in my body if there is no reason to.

I was feeling calm and relaxed... Until I was told the story of so and so who stopped met and lost a baby in the 2nd tri which started the anxiety gears in motion. I know that is still a risk regardless, but there is no indication the metformin will prevent it. Even so I didn't want to risk another month of anxiety waiting for my next appt to know the baby is okay so Steve and I decided to rent a doppler. I have had my doppler 3 days now and outside of the urge to lay around listening to my baby all day, I love having it. I want to limit my use of the doppler and I plan on sending it back once I can feel the baby regularly (I figure a month or two)but its nice to know that if the anxiety starts to creep in, I can lay down and know things are okay. I love hearing that perfect sound.

::::::::::

I suppose I really should update more - I doubt anyone has actually read to this point, but then again I want to document as much as possible for my sake (probably should update my organizer!).

I'm feeling great - "morning" sickness is gone which has me pleased as can be. Still have heartburn and still a bit more sleepy than normal, but even my energy is starting to return. I've felt a few flutters, but nothing too strong yet and I'm still very much anticipating that first big kick. We've started doing a little more shopping for the baby and I find myself daydreaming of him/her on a regular basis.

Caden is doing well and is so much fun... the fits still come but even those are less frequent and not quite the same intensity. We start toddler swim lessons tomorrow and Caden is so excited. He is such an amazing little man.

Right Side Up

2009-06-24T15:22:00.000-05:00

I’m 12 weeks 3 days pregnant today.... And I feel pretty damn good. I’m happy - I’ve always been happy with my life, minus the infertility aspect, but now all the pieces seem to fit and I am just happy. With everything. I’m blessed to have a beautiful little boy who is just so funny - who loves to shower you with kisses and hugs and charms everyone he meets (ask his new girlfriend at the maternity store) - though he can still throw an impressive fit. I’m bless to have a supportive, caring husband who is a terrific father, to have a wonderful family, a home, a baby on the way... I think a new blog background is needed... My life, or any aspect of it, doesn’t feel quite so upside down.

Two weeks ago we had our 2nd OB appointment and at 10 weeks we were able to hear the baby’s heartbeat by Doppler. S/he was snuggled up behind one of my blood vessels so we were hearing both the baby and me at the same time - HR was in the 160s.

I’m feeling a lot better - The exhaustion still hits and the super laziness is still around, but the “morning” sickness seems to be getting better - it still comes and goes but not nearly as bad. I can’t really remember what my sickness was like during Caden’s pregnancy but I do think it was much worse this time, including several occasions of getting physically sick (never threw up with Caden). But its passing, the first trimester is passing, and it could have been much worse. The heartburn I could most definitely live without though, ugh. Other then a day or two very early on, and maybe an occasion or two toward the end, I don’t remember having any heartburn with Caden. This time even water gives me heartburn. But overall its a small price to pay.

On the 30th we have the NT scan - I debated and stressed over this just as I did with the quad result with Caden. In the end, I decided to go ahead with the testing. We aren’t doing it so we have the option to terminate - but I don’t think most people go into these screens thinking such. We’re doing this so we can be prepared mentally and medically for a special needs child if that is what is in our future. And by medically I mean check for other defects that are common with some chromosomal abnormalities, such as heart defects, and prepare for them. But most of all I’m doing this for piece of mind - and I so hope that is what we are left with in a week.
I thought about skipping the test... Skipping the anxiety... But really all that would do is delay the anxiety. I worried that as my due date drew closer or during delivery or those moments after birth would be tarnished by the thought of “is my baby okay”. But to be perfectly honest I wish this test was a decision never placed in my hands to make.

The day after our NT scan ,a week from today, July 1, 2009... I’ll enter the 2nd trimester. In so many ways I cannot believe how quickly this pregnancy is progressing.... But in so many more I can’t wait to make it there.

I find myself allowing my mind to drift to our future as a family of 4 more often these days. We talk about the baby, or “baby peep” (given the baby’s conception being the night before/day of Easter), regularly. Kid has become kids, and I look at Caden’s baby pics and smile a second time knowing that soon we’ll have another chubby cheeked little one cooing and giggling in our arms. We browse baby aisles and talk about what is needed and what is not. I pat my belly which has started to round out and pop a bit and smile. We toss out names in passing and day dream about winter, about next summer, about forever.

I still find myself holding my breath as I wait for July 1st... But on occasion, and happening more and more these days, I allow myself to breath and it is all just so perfect.

Long time, no blog...

2009-05-20T10:47:00.001-05:00

When I started this blog I thought for sure I’d keep up with it more than I had in the past... I had a goal, something to work toward, and a lot on my mind. When that didn’t happen I thought for sure when I got pregnant that would be it... Now I would really be able to keep up... Again, that hasn’t quite happened.

I suppose a lot of this has to do with the time of year - I just haven’t been online much in general and I haven’t had much desire to be. On days that morning sickness is at its worst, the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen... And with all the beautiful weather we’ve been having on the days morning sickness isn’t too bad, the last thing I want to do is be stuck inside and stare at a computer screen.

The good news is that we have got a lot done. For a while now we have wanted to start a real veggie garden with a raised bed.. We finally got around to that. Thanks to the help of my awesome mom we got the bed done yesterday. Steve and I filled it with dirt last night and bought our plants and in a few minutes here Caden and I will head outside to get things planted. Beyond that I still need to plant flowers in one of the beds out front and mulch the other two. I also want to plant some flowers in containers out back and I want to make another bed along the back of the house. In addition to cleaning out the pond and getting that going, I think these things will be our focus this weekend.

In addition to our yard, there is so much I want to get done around the house, too. We need to work on cleaning out and organizing the basement so that I can start moving and setting up my craft space down there. We need to start Caden’s “big boy” room, too. We’ve started collecting some things and hope to shop for the rest of the furniture and big items in a few weeks. I want to change the closet and interior door’s in the baby’s room (and the rest of the house, one down so far) and I still need to trim the door we have replaced. Then there is normal cleaning and upkeep around here....

Add into that my desire to at least catch up on Caden’s scrapbook and work on a few other crafts and well.... Makes for a very busy me.

............

As for my pregnancy - so far things are going great! For the most part I feel pretty good - Morning sickness seems to come in waves and some days are definitely worse than others. Staying active and up and about seems to really help with how sick I feel. I threw up a few times a week or so ago but nothing since... Just lots of nausea but I’ve also been on the go just about constantly. Of course when I’m feeling good I’m worried that it means there is something wrong and then when the nausea hits again I wonder why I was crazy for wishing it back... Its a vicious cycle but well worth it. I seem to feel the worst around meals - Perhaps its the food or that I let myself get too hungry.. But so far I haven’t found a way around this one. I definitely have no complaints though - everything could be much worse and I am just feeling so blessed to be here.

Before I got pregnant I was a little worried about exhaustion but it isn’t nearly as bad as it was with Caden. With him I was early to bed, early to rise and now its just the opposite. I think dealing with the exhaustion of PCOS in addition to having a toddler keeping me on my toes has helped. I can usually force myself to stay up until 11:30 if I must, but have been going to bed around 10:30pm on average. This was unheard of with Caden but I think this is a change in lifestyle... Post bed time is mommy time and I’m not ready to give that up! Afternoon naps are pretty common but then there are days, such as yesterday, I skip those too. It all depends on what I have to do. Things are definitely different this time around... And I think that has more to do with being responsible for an adorable little man more than anything.

Other symptoms include the usual - my breasts aren’t tender but they never were with Caden either. However, they have increased in size. Pregnancy dreams are in full force and they are pretty crazy - and constant bathroom breaks are common. I don’t usually notice them unless we’re out or I’m trying to watch a movie or something, and in the middle of the night which gets annoying. A little bit of heartburn here and there and a lot of food aversions.. Fun mood swings and a bit more emotional..... And thats about it.

I wish I could say the anxiety has gone but I still worry.. A lot. It has improved greatly, but I still have yet to fully settle into things. I still don’t *feel* pregnant but then I never really did with Caden, either. I keep saying that after the next appt I’ll feel better, and it helps, but not completely. My next appt isn’t until June 9th - I’ll be 10 weeks and hopefully we’ll hear the heartbeat by Doppler. I can’t wait.

I have calmed down a lot from weeks prior at least... Ever since our ultrasound. I immediately update my various preg groups but am a bit ashamed I never posted here...

............

Our first ultrasound was last week on May 12th. I started this entry with a photo of our beautiful little baby because that was what was most important, even though I saved the best for last. Steve took the day off work since the appt was at 10:30am. We dropped Caden off at my Mom’s and headed in. I was so nervous - excited, but so very nervous.

Linda (the sonographer) greeted us with a big smile and mentioned how happy she was to see my name for an OB ultrasound. We went into the room and got situated and then she turned the machine on. I immediately asked if there was a baby and she said to just hold on and turned the screen to me...
“there is the gestational sac....” to which my mind flashed to there only being a gestational sac and I blurted out “is there no heartbeat?!” Linda was clearly interrupted and simply asked “Now didn’t you see that little flicker?” A flicker? There was a flicker? I knew what a flicker meant and immediately all was right in my world. Steve squeezed my hand and Linda zoomed in... And there it was, clear as day.. Our beautiful little baby’s heart beating strongly at 122 bpm. With the exception of method for viewing, I could have sat there watching that little heart beating away all day.

The baby measured right on track. I had a large-ish cyst on my left ovary which is suspected to be a corpus luteum cyst and the source of our little one. Before all was done we got to check in on him/her one more time. S/he might only have been a little blob on a computer screen, but I could help but fall in love.

After the ultrasound we sat down with my doctor. She went over my labs and everything looked great except my 24 hour urine collection... It was within normal range but a little higher (low 200s) than what is she wanted to see. She said it might be worth re-checking after I have the baby (it is not currently a pregnancy issue) and it might warrant a further look into my kidney function, but she doesn’t think there is really anything to be done right now since it is still in normal range.

After the appointment Steve and I headed to Borders to buy a pregnancy journal (ended up with 2!) and then we stopped off to buy the baby a gift as we did after Caden’s first appointment. This time we bought him/her 2 cute little sleepers and we bought big brother Caden some jammies, too. We then had a nice lunch before picking up the little man. It was a perfect day and we now have our little one’s first picture proudly displayed - I can’t wait to see (and meet!) him/her again.

.........

I think this entry has ended up long enough... I suppose that is what happens when you don’t update for a while. I want to make it a point to write more often as this is probably the best way I have to chronicle all of this right now, but at the same time I’m enjoying time away from the computer with my favorite two guys.... So we’ll see... ;)For now I have some veggies to plant...

Ultrasounds - Baby #2

2009-05-12T14:16:00.000-05:00

December 8, 2009
36 weeks, 2 days

3D - hand across face

hand playing with his little foot

Hair growing off the back of his head

Still a boy!

August 18, 2009

20 weeks, 2 days
hand - Middle of Screen
Head on left, body, spine on bottom

Hand in front of face

Feet

It's a boy!!!

And another shot to confirm...

3D profile, a little distored but still cute! love the adorabel hand

3D face - or smiling skeleton ;)

June 30, 2009
13 weeks, 2 days

May 12, 2009
6 weeks, 2 days

Firsts for the second time

2009-05-02T10:26:00.000-05:00

From 571 to 1226, doubling time of 39.91 hours. Everything is fine.

I asked if I should be concerned about that 571 number and my doctor assured me that I did not have to be. She said that it could have simply been one slow day - since we hadn’t checked betas in 6 days, who knows what happened. She seems to think the beta that tripled was off. She explained how the labs were done and how an error could be made... That no test is 100% and based on my first beta the 571 number was perfect. She emphasized over and over that the one single beta doesn’t matter, there is nothing she has seen to suggest a miscarriage, and that even though that 571 beta was lower than what I was expecting.. It was still within normal range and everything is progressing nicely.

Thats not to say that something couldn’t still happen... It could. And I’m still very guarded over this pregnancy... But I’m going to focus on being happy. I’m going to focus on enjoying this pregnancy. Steve and I worked hard to get here and I need to believe that we will be holding out second child on our arms in 35 short weeks. I cannot focus on the bad “what ifs”, I will not focus on them. I am pregnant and so very happy to be.
..........

As of Wednesday, April 29th, Steve and I have been married three years. It feels like we have always been together - those months, years spent planning our wedding seem so far away now.... But at the same time its catches me a bit by surprise that 3 years have come and gone since that amazing, perfect day. Three years ago today we were soaking up the sun on a beautiful beach in the Mexican Rivera at an amazing hotel and the most beautiful suite on the perfect honeymoon. Three years ago this week we conceived our beautiful little boy. And now, three years later, we eagerly look forward to the birth of our second child and to all the future has in store for us.
..........

My first OB appointment was on Wednesday. It was so exciting and I had written all about it, but when I thought all this was being ripped away from me I deleted it and simply prayed for it all to be okay.

Sitting in the waiting room that morning, waiting for my name to be called, if only for those minutes the reality that I was finally pregnant began to set in. The woman at the front desk (my favorite in the office) greeted me with a huge smile and a congratulations when I first stepped up to check in. I love that three years later everyone in my doctor’s office is still there. Everyone is so sweet and after my last pregnancy, probably since I was there so much (weekly at 23 wks, twice a week at 33), I kind of missed them - not going to the doctor just felt weird.... Well, for all of a day.
I smiled when I saw my chart was blue (for obstetrics) again.... I sat in my char and browsed through the pregnancy magazines and articles instead of looking to the ground. I was just so very happy.

My name was called and the routine was still so familiar... Weight, sample, blood pressure. Every time I go to my Obgyn my blood pressure is always high... White coat effect or whatever. At home and at every other doctor it is always fine. But sitting in that chair, remembering all those bad numbers, the fear... My heart would start to race and my BP would shoot up. Not terribly high, but higher than normal. But that day? The racing heart was gone and my BP was a beautiful 108/70.

I sat down with the nurse in the exam room and went over history, medications, etc. She gave me a huge bag filled with goodies and information on tests, pregnancy in general, breastfeeding, etc. We briefly went over each item - some of it was the same as with Caden, some was new.

My doctor came in next, excited as well. We talked and she answered any questions I had. Discussed my previous complications and what it meant for this pregnancy. I was reacquainted with my good friends little brown jug and pee hat - I need to do a 24 hour urine collection in order to establish baseline. Hopefully it will be the only one I need to do this pregnancy.

I signed the release form for my VBAC.. I will say that document makes VBAC sound pretty scary even to someone who has researched it. My doctor agreed that the wording was pretty harsh but assuming that I have a normal, healthy pregnancy and we don’t face the problems we did with Caden... It will be fine. Obviously if something goes wrong and I need to deliver early they won’t induce like they did last time, but otherwise she said they will monitor me during labor and things will be fine.

After my appointment it was off to the hospital for labs.. Up to 9 vials for this pregnancy. The standard tests were run and then my OB also did an eclampsia panel just for baseline again and everything was normal.

Our next appointment is set for May 12th at 10:30am. Steve took the entire day off and we are so excited - praying to see our baby’s heartbeat.

Not good news.

2009-04-30T10:59:00.000-05:00

My first appointment was yesterday and it seems like it will most likely have been the last for this pregnancy.

I asked for a beta - had the numbers since the 2nd doubled, the result should have been around 900. Instead it was only 571.

There is still a chance my doctor says... Maybe the 2nd beta was off since it tripled, we‘re still on track based on the first one. Maybe we lost a twin.. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I’m going to do another beta tomorrow morning and my doctor should have the results quickly. I’m begging that it will be okay... But it hurts so much.

Please don’t let me lose this baby. I know what is done is already done... I know. But I don’t think I can take it.

And so I sit...

2009-04-28T09:49:00.000-05:00

My 2nd beta was in last Friday and the numbers looked great... From 33 @ 10dpo to 114 @ 12dpo, so it tripled. Today I’m 17dpo and officially late (clomid pushed my LP out a day or two) and I really thought I’d feel more excited about this pregnancy at this point, but I’m not. I have very few symptoms and the few that I have come and go. I try to remind myself that its just early... And it is. Morning sickness shouldn’t really set in for another week or two, or anything else really. I am getting sleepy more easily but nothing like what I remember with Caden. But again I remind myself that with Caden, I didn’t even think to test (and find out I was pregnant) until I was 4 weeks, 4 days. I’m 4 weeks, 3 days today.

I keep testing and I knew I should have stopped because today’s test was a hair shade lighter than yesterdays. Not much and the line was thicker than and still dark, but now that has me freaked out, too. I knew it was bound to happen when you’ve taken 15 stupid tests... But that doesn’t make me feel better. Last night was my first middle of the night bathroom break, too, so I try to tell myself that maybe that has something to do with it.... But that doesn’t help either. This was supposed to be my last one but I’m going to take my last test tomorrow morning before my appointment - if its lighter still then I’ll ask my doctor for another beta. I’ve googled and I know a single slightly lighter test is nothing to worry about - I’m not spotting and I’m not cramping, well, anything more than the occasional, normal, light cramps that are to be expected. I just wish I didn’t take that stupid test.

I guess in a lot of ways I’m just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve seen things go wrong for too many people - with PCOS and without. I don’t want to and I pray that I don’t have to experience that. I think the thing that annoys me most is that I wasn’t like this at all with Caden. I remember mentioning to Steve when we found out that “Its early, anything can happen” but that was it.. That was the last mention of it. Now I feel hesitant to really settle into this, to really enjoy it. I’m so afraid of losing this - I just want to sit back, enjoy my pregnancy, and welcome a beautiful little baby into this world come January.

I thought I’d feel better once I got those betas back, and I did.... A little. Then I thought I’d feel better when I was late... And yesterday I did - at least a bit. And now I’m back to freaking out and I know its because that stupid freaking test that is meaningless. I could just kick myself right now. I want symptoms, I want reassurance. I want to know that everything will be okay.

When I’m not sitting here silently freaking out Steve and I are so very happy. We smile about what the future has in store and cannot wait to meet this little baby. I just hate the anxiety, the unknown.

I promise, after tomorrow no more tests! (I won’t have anymore, anyway) and I’ll stop freaking out. I’m really hoping for a darker line because I do not want to have to go through the hell of waiting for the results of another beta.

Betas, Tests, and Daddy x 2

2009-04-22T13:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I woke up and took 3 more tests... 2 digitals and a FRER just incase the digitals weren’t sensitive enough. Waiting for that test to develop felt like forever... But in the end all three tests were positive. I tested again this morning and again, the test was positive and the line much darker than the previous days... Which has settled my nerves at least a little bit. I am so excited and so happy but at the same time I’m scared I’ll wake up and this will be all taken away. I know I’ll relax once the second beta comes back on Friday - if only a little. And I think I’ll feel even better once we see our baby by ultrasound.

Speaking of betas and such - Today my doctor called with the results from yesterday’s tests. My beta at 10 dpo was 33 - seemingly low but a solid number for so early. We also checked my progesterone and my doctor wanted to see it at or around 20 or else we’d supplement (at 7dpo it was 14.6). My progesterone was 20.6 so rising nicely and no need to supplement nor does my doctor feel the need to check it again. So, as I said, I go in for my 2nd beta tomorrow, results on Friday, 1st appt is 1 week from today on the 29th (our 3rd wedding anniversary!), and then we’ll schedule my first ultrasound for 6.5 weeks.

..............

Yesterday was sweet - I was able to hold of on telling Steve our amazingly wonderful news on Monday so I told him then over lunch. I was worried Caden and I were going to be late since we ran a little behind getting my blood drawn but we actually made it a few minutes early.. Good thing too since I had to pee so bad and I didn’t want Steve to wonder why I was taking Caden with me... Or risk leaving him behind to remove Caden’s jacket when I wasn’t there (revealing his “big brother“ t-shirt).

I was starting to wonder if Steve kind of knew what was coming, but in the end he had no idea. The restaurant was a cute little diner and the kids, especially Caden, adored the trains. Steve had been mentioning he wanted to take Caden eventually so I used this, and telling him I’d be in the area to pick up an order, as an excuse. We sat down at the table and I suggested to Steve that he should take off Caden’s coat so we could order. He unzipped the jacket and immediately turned and asked me “Is there something you’re trying to tell me?!”. I replied yes and he turned back to me with a big smile and an excited “Really?!?”

Lunch was nice and we talked about the baby and Caden a lot. Steve was grinning ear to ear the entire time and we’re both so excited. Steve also mentioned how relieved he was - he was always the “strong” one in all of this.. But even so I know he was scared and worried, too. We were both worried there were going to be more obstacles for us to over come. He worried they were with him, I worried there were additional ones with me. But all that matters now is that here we sit.. And we’re having a baby!!!

After work Steve came home with a dozen pink roses and a card. All night long we made mention of the baby and he was constantly rubbing my belly and all smiles. We’re just so happy.

This pregnancy already feels so much different emotionally that Caden’s... Not that either was more wanted and I know I’m not explaining this right... But even though its so early its like we both feel more connected with this pregnancy. With the first the concept was so crazy and so new to us... We knew that a pregnancy meant we were having a baby... But the immense reality of that never really set in until that tiny little boy was placed in our arms. This time around we have a walking, talking, amazing little reminder of just what that tiny mass of rapidly dividing cells is becoming. And its all so amazing.

Happiest Girl in the World....

2009-04-20T21:53:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning at 4am needing to use the washroom but I wanted to wait to test until DH went to work. 7am came and I headed into the bathroom, dug out a stick, did what needed to be done, and set the test down. Immediately I thought to myself “This is stupid... I’m only 9dpo, even if I am pregnant I’m not going to get a positive” and I crawled back in bed. An hour and a half later I went to throw the test away... But there was a line. An extremely faint, twist it that way... Is it pink? Is it real? line.... But a line. I’ve seen my fair share of evaps but this was different. It was so faint that it was very possibly an evap... But I thought I saw the slightest hint of pink. The question was if the line showed up in the 10 min window and that I didn’t know. I snapped a few pictures, stared and brought the test from room to room, and finally gave up.

Around noon a nurse from my doctor’s office called with my 7dpo progesterone result... “looks good she said” but I just wanted the number. 14.6... Nice... But indicative of anything? Not really.

Caden and I had lunch then decided to bike over to the park about 2 miles away while there was a break in the weather. We had our fun and headed home. I put Caden to bed and decided to take a quick shower.

I undressed and debated back and forth... Do I test again? It had been 2 hours since I last use the restroom. Surely it wouldn’t be positive but at least I could see if an evap appeared. Again I dug out my sticks, did my thing, and jumped in the shower, quickly to be sure to read this one in the 10 min window again.

I couldn’t believe what I saw... Plain as day, 2 pink lines. The test like was very light, obviously, but pink and perfectly visible. No twisting or turning or checking under different lights... It was positive. I called my friend (who had spent the morning debating the possible evap with me) and shouted it. I am pregnant.

I am pregnant - ah, just had to type those 3 perfect words one more time.... Well, maybe a few more. Part of me knew this was it - I bought a shirt to tell DH with (not telling him today has been so very hard, but surprising him with the news this time is something important to me - I‘m telling him tomorrow over lunch). I just knew... But as the 2nd half of this wait kicked it... I just didn’t want to set myself up for devastation.

An hour later I tested again - this time with a FRER.... And again, two beautiful pink lines. Faint, but not bad for mid afternoon at 9dpo. We really did it this time... I really AM pregnant.

I spent the next few hours in shock.. My hands we shaking. I’m trying to be cautious as it is so very early... But it is so very hard. I pray this baby sticks.... And as of tonight all I know is that I am pregnant and so extremely happy.

EDD: January 2, 2010

1 week to go

2009-04-19T10:48:00.001-05:00

I’m not sure why I’ve been avoiding my blog... but I have been. I’m happy to say that I did end up ovulating this cycle after all... I assumed I’d ovulate the same day as last cycle (CD 25) or sooner but instead managed to ovulate a little bit later - CD 27. So, unless I’m pregnant, we’ll be increasing my dose to 100mg next cycle.

As for that pesky issue hanging in the air around us... Did we manage to pull this off? Is this our cycle? I have no clue. A week ago I thought for sure this was it... It had to be. But now that feeling has faded and I really have no idea. I do know that at this point... To actually see those 2 pink lines... Seems so far fetched it just doesn’t seem possible. I’d love to have been able to hang onto the optimism of last week but I feel that would have just set me up to be devastated in a few days. But I do still hold out hope and I find myself drifting to thought of “what if” quite often. And if I am, as I said before, I will truly be the happiest girl in the world.

My progesterone draw was taken care of yesterday - that was a clerical mess but its done and over with and I should know the results some time tomorrow. I’m a little nervous about the results - normally my breasts hurt a decent amount when I ovulate and this time not so much and they hurt on and off so I’m worried the number might be low... But there isn’t much I can do about that now.

Of course I’ve been looking for symptoms everywhere and for the most part there haven’t been any - until today, 8dpo. I was up early this morning with some nasty heartburn - my first symptom with Caden. I hope this is good but there is the very real possibility and probability that it was just heartburn. I’m going to try to hold out until 12dpo to test (April 23rd). I pray that then I’ll finally see those 2 pink lines again.

.........

In other family happenings we bought a new bike trailer for Caden and new bikes for us. Caden loves riding in the trailer and loves his new McQueen helmet even more. We rode for a few hours yesterday and with the exception of a rather sore backside, it was perfect. The bikes are nice, the trailer handles great, and I hope to use it a lot more. We have a few days of rain ahead of us but I can’t wait to get out again with my boys - hopefully my ass will have recovered fully by that point.

Broken

2009-04-06T10:26:00.002-05:00

Hope for this cycle is slowly fading out. There isn’t much more to say other than that. DH assures me it will happen for us again one day. “It has to”. But I’m starting to not believe. I was going over Easter prep in my head the other night and for the life of me couldn’t figure out why we kept coming up 1 chair short... Finally it dawned on me that I had been counting us as a family of four... Something we very well may never be. It all hurts so very much.

I try to keep my mind off of everything but its so hard. I don’t think I’ve ever been less interested in a cycle than this one. More and more it seems like my original feelings that last cycle was a fluke are coming true. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and in 6 months I’ll ovulate again and maybe then have a shot at actually getting pregnant.

The hardest part is I don’t understand how I got here. How I went from ovulating normally every single freaking month..... To ovulating once in 6 months. And it happened over night. How? How is this possible? I can’t find anything like this... Something isn’t right. I never thought I’d ever find myself sitting at my kitchen table on a Monday morning... Regretting that I took my freaking period for granted.
I keep waiting to climb out of this little hole I dug myself into.. Instead I feel myself inching closer and closer to the bottom. I have to hit soon, right?

I try to distract myself but as soon as I stop moving my mind wanders back here. Saturday we took Caden to the Easter Egg hunt and to the mall to see the Easter Bunny - we’re hosting Easter at our house so I have a lot to do this week. Hopefully that will help but looks doubtful.

Recovery

2009-04-02T11:03:00.001-06:00

Tuesday afternoon my stomach started to feel upset - enough that I couldn’t eat dinner. My inlaws were came over that evening and the visit was well - I made mention several times that I hoped I wasn’t coming down with the flu. Considering how touchy my stomach can be, I didn’t really think I was. Hell, outside of alcohol induced incidents (college wasn’t that long ago! ;)) Its probably been 10-15 years since I thrown up due to a stomach bug. Hell - I didn’t even throw up when I was pregnant... I spent the first trimester extremely nauseous, but I didn’t get
physically sick.

As it turns out, I did indeed have a rather nasty stomach bug and spent all Tuesday night throwing up or groaning as I tossed and turned with a terrible case of the chills and a nice fever of 102. Steve ended up staying home from work yesterday - Neither of us got any sleep and considering I spent most of yesterday dry heaving followed by throwing up my one attempted meal, I was down for the day and I really wanted to try to prevent Caden from catching this.

Caden threw up last night but apparently he is weathering this much better than his Momma. Steve cleaned him up and changed his sheets while I rubbed his back and took care of him. He laughed and wanted to play. Today he has been running around the house, a little ball of energy, in a fantastic mood. Not that I’m complaining! I’m glad that in the very least he doesn’t seem to have it as bad.

Today I feel much better - I haven’t tried eating yet so hopefully once I do that will go over well. I miss food but really don’t want to feel like I’m going to, or actually commit the act of throwing up yet again. My abs already hurt enough. As for Caden - wow - I don’t think he has ever had this much energy.

The good news is we have seemed to survive our first bout of the “stomach flu” and did so relatively intact - although I’m not sure Steve is in the clear yet. And I must say - I have a pretty awesome husband, even if he did get a bit pissy about having to call in at first. He ran to the store for me multiple times, even gave me a foot rub, took care of Caden last night until he had to start laundry. I’m pretty lucky to have such a great husband.

.......

On the TTC front I’m on CD 18 and no signs of any eggies. Considering my recent illness has left me 5lbs lighter in less than 2 days I think its safe to assume it might have delayed anything going on anyway. As long as we get an egg... Please. I’m so ready to have our next baby. I’ve been doing what I can to keep my mind off things... But its hard.

Better Late Than Never

2009-03-26T09:07:00.001-06:00

Thanks to a wonderful cold/flu/whatever, I’ve been down for the past week or so wallowing in a coughing, aching, snotty pit of despair. I’m starting to feel better finally but haven’t been online much as a result. Seeing as this happened for the start of ICLW, I have a lot of catching up to do!

To sum things up as the last post I made was actually a bit ago (silly blog layout doesn’t post dates!) AF did show that Monday at 16dpo. As much as I was (and am) sad not to be pregnant, I have tried to see the positive in this. This time last month I had given up on my first clomid cycle... And it ended up coming through. I ovulated late (CD 25) but I did ovulate on 50mg.

Of course now I worry that it was a fluke, that it won’t happen again. And then I worry that we didn’t conceive because something else is wrong, too. I wonder why I couldn’t be one of the lucky ones, well, as “lucky” as anyone in this situation can be. But I remind myself even healthy couples doing everything right don’t get pregnant the first time out (or in my case ovulating).

I’m currently on CD 11. Still on 1500mg of Met and 50mg clomid days 3-7. I started OPKs yesterday and my first was negative so that is good news. Now we’re just left to sit and wait and see what happens.

Prior to getting sick and missing the start of ICLW I had planned to do some sort of an intro as I’ve seen on so many blogs... But seeing as I’m already late and feeling a bit negative I don’t see much of a point so I’ll keep this short... I’m 26, I was fertile, I was one of the lucky ones to conceive the first time we had unprotected sex (on our honeymoon!), I had a complicated pregnancy due to pre-eclampsia, spent 4 months on bed rest and as far as I was concerned, paid my reproductive dues - welcomed my beautiful boy into the world by emergency c-section on January 24, 2007 - amazingly at 39 weeks... enjoyed life, got sick, had an appendectomy in feb 2008, stopped ovulating, Started TTC (if you can call it that) in August 2008, diagnosed with PCOS in November 2008, started Met in December, and am currently on round two of clomid.
.......
I’ve been feeling a little down this week which has probably led to my internet avoidance. The fact that I’m also trying to spend less time online probably factors in as well. I’ve been getting so exhausted and worn out in the afternoons again and I think that is the most likely cause of my crappy mood this week.

When I first started this blog I thought I’d have so much to say - and I do. I’m sure I could find something to write or post about daily. And I’m sure if I really wanted to I could work the time in, too. But I’ve learned certain things can only be said so many times. And while these thoughts are always with me, sometimes it helps just to leave them in the back recesses of my mind. Sometimes it helps to give into the distractions.

So that is my plan for the next little while - distractions. I have lots of cleaning to catch up on, Easter and Spring are coming, crafts I’ve wanted to get done... I have high hopes for this cycle even if I don’t feel them today. My breasts started hurting and I’m hoping that is the result of a little egg soon to release. I want to believe in this, I want this to work. I need this to work. But for now I need to be sane, I need to think of other things, and to do that I’ll find comfort in the distractions. So I’m off to comment away, work out, and get cleaning!

If you've read this far I apologize for this mess of random ramblings :D But I suppose that is what this portion of a cycle is like. Waiting, unknown, who the hell knows what will happen. But I do know that good things are yet to come.

Luckiest

2009-03-15T09:43:00.001-06:00

When I woke up Friday morning I didn’t even want to test. I knew what the outcome would be and I didn’t have the urge. I wasn’t upset, I just didn’t care. But I tested anyway knowing that at 13dpo I should be able to trust the result without much question. I thought I caught the slightest hint of the line if you turned the test just right, but there wasn’t any line there. The test was negative - Not pregnant. I did at least discover the best thing about testing in a hotel... By the time the urge hits you to go HPT dumpster diving, housekeeping has already taken out the trash.

So now all that is left for this cycle is to wait for AF to show. I packed the necessary supplies just in case AF showed early - Tampons, Midol, even clomid.... But I didn’t expect her to be late. I’ve never charted an ovulatory cycle so I’m not quite sure what my LP is. In the past based off when I thought I might be ovulating my LP was 14 days but it is entirely possible I was off a day or two. I am 15dpo today so I expect the witch to show either later today or tomorrow. In the off chance that she isn’t here by Monday morning, I’ll test again. But I’m expecting that won’t be necessary.

.......

Our trip was nothing short of wonderful but entirely too short. While it was nice to sleep in my comfortable bet with soft, plush linens last night, I’m a bit sad to be back to normal life today. Tomorrow my husband will return to work, leaving before Caden or I (most likely) even step out of bed and not returning until dinner that night. We won’t hear his voice in the morning or see his face at the breakfast table with us for five days - and we surely won’t spend the day splashing around the pool with him or the early afternoon climbing through tree forts and racing down slides.

We were originally only staying two nights - Checking in on Wednesday and checking out on Friday. On the drive up we decided pretty quickly that two nights wasn’t going to be nearly enough and that another night was necessary. Lucky for us the hotel had the availability and even upgraded our suite. While I would love to lounge all day with my two boys with few cares in the world - Check out Saturday morning was perfect. Our entire stay the hotel wasn’t crowded at all... There were no lines for slides or crowds in the pools, lounge chairs were plentiful as was parking. Friday night you could notice an increase in activity and space was limited in both the water and the parking lot - and by Saturday the hotel was packed with weekend and spring break guests. Perfect time to make our exit.

The hotel was nice and clean and very cute. Our room was large with a separate sitting area and fireplace that came in handy during nap time. The linens could use an upgrade and the beds could have been more comfortable, but it wasn’t enough to dampen or moods or shadow our stay. There were 3 large indoor water park areas and each one had something geared for toddlers. Caden is such a little fish and loves the water - Every morning when we got our swimsuits on he would get so excited and literally skip down the hall “I love water!”. His favorite was the kiddie slides meant for guest 48” and under - he’d race down the slide into Mommy’s arms and then quickly run out of the pool to Daddy and go down again. He loved the splash parks and squirting water, and even went down some pretty big slides, too. He was happy to splash in the kiddie pools and loved to fight the waves and ride in the inner tubes of the wave pools.

After nap time and before dinner when dry fun was required, he loved to play in the four story tree fort - A network of tubes and slides, nets and foam balls flying around. In the evenings there was a song and dance show at the clock tower and a bed time story and by the time we got back to our room Caden was out like a light and ready to do it all again in the morning.

Our little mini-vacation couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m not dwelling on the negative pregnancy tests and I don’t feel defeated. Instead we’ll just try again and I feel incredibly lucky for the beautiful boy that I have. Every single day of my life I feel lucky and am grateful for that boy -nothing, especially infertility, will ever change that. But this trip has reminded me of the silver lining (if there was one) to our delay in adding to our family and that is I get more time with just my little boy. Of course I feel sad with each month that passes and another month separates Caden from his future sibling, and of course I know that once we have our second child the love will multiply and not divide. And of course I know that while our attention will be split it will be worth it.... But for the time being it is nice to be able to lavish all of our attention on Caden. To spend this time with just him - learning all about just him. And spending time with this wonderful little person who makes us laugh in ways we didn’t know possible.

Had I known that after February 2008 I would have stopped ovulating and been unable to conceive without medical assistance of course we would have tried sooner. If I knew a door was going to slam shut of course we would have been sure to slip our foot in the door before it locked. But we didn’t know so we went along with our plans and while I am angry and frustrated and sad that we are facing infertility, I am also happy we have had this time with our son. I read and talk to women facing infertility who already have plans laid to try for the 2nd, 3rd, whatever while still trying for the first. Plans laid to start trying again as soon as conception is possible - 6 weeks, 2 months... And while I understand that, I am grateful that I did not have to walk those shoes, though I wish I didn't have to walk this path at all. I am grateful that I have been able to fully enjoy my son as he is, my life as it is... And while so much of the past 7 months have involved infertility, it is not the main focus of our life - Caden is. And that is something I remind myself of daily. It is so easy to get lost here.

Steve and I originally wanted three children, the third being more spaced out than the first two. The third was never set in stone of course - nothing in life is. We still would love to have three one day and there are times I have thought that maybe we should start trying for that third as soon as we’re cleared after our second is born. But that thought is only fleeting - that thinking doesn’t work for me. I can’t wait for this part, the infertility part, to be over even if only temporarily. While I understand it will always be a part of my life now, I cannot wait to not think about it for a while. To enjoy my children and just be. To watch my baby grow and develop without the stress of tests and cycles and single pink lines. I can’t wait to learn the things about this next baby that I have with Caden - Will he love water? Will he laugh and giggle in delight at the sight of other small babies? Will he walk at 9 months too, or will he take his time? And I cannot wait to watch my little boy with our next child. I cannot wait to put this behind us even if only for a bit. To enjoy my family as I enjoy it now. To just be. And when the time comes if we decide to face these demons again, which I am sure we will, so be it. And if it doesn’t happen - At least I’ll be able to look back and know that I did not let this consume those months... Those hours.

I am the luckiest. And while I would have done things differently if I had known that infertility was in our future - I am glad I have been able to enjoy this time with just my son and my husband. I am grateful for our time as a family of three, and I am eager to enjoy our time as a family of four.
.......

We’ve already started planning our next trip back - If I was brave enough to face the crowds maybe we’d go back this summer. But after seeing the number of hotels and motels crammed into that little town.... I think summer is a time I’d avoid. We’re thinking of heading back this fall, winter at the latest. I loved the hotel we stayed at (Great Wolf) but with so many options available to us we’ll probably try another hotel and water park next time. The only downside is how expensive everything is in the Dells - I was a little shocked at how much we spent for such a short trip so close to home, but it was worth it.

And even in the cold we were able to spend time outside of the resort, too. While eating out so much did little for my stomach, it was still nice. We make it a point to have dinner at the table every night at home, but sometimes it is rushed - it was nice to slow down.
Outside of the water park we took Caden to an indoor amusement park and he even got to ride
his first ride. And since we had an hour to kill before checking in we even made a little fertility related field trip to rub some African fertility statutes - as Steve said we might as well exhaust all of our options.

But the best part of it all, for me at least, was simply spending the time with my husband and son. Uninterrupted, outside of the responsibilities of daily life, just the three of us. We really can’t wait to go back. I love spending time with my two favorite guys. I love my family of three.

Results

2009-03-10T17:47:00.002-06:00

My doctor called with the results of my Progesterone labs yesterday and I did ovulate - result was 10.4. My doctor considered this to be strong enough that she’d prefer that I stay on 50mg next cycle instead of increasing to 100mg. Unless, of course, I’m pregnant.

I’ve obsessed over symptoms and crossed my fingers and hoped all hopes... But all we can do is wait and see. I did test today and it was negative but then it could still be too early (I’m only 10dpo, AF isn’t due until Saturday).

I’m having little to no symptoms... Of anything.. And before my breasts were at least a little tender at this point no matter what. But nothing. Sadly I do not think that this was our month.

I knew it was too much to expect to be one of the lucky ones... To actually think that I’d get pregnant my first ovulatory cycle in 6 months... My first cycle on clomid.. But I did. So seeing that all too familiar single pink line this morning just hurt.

I’m not sure when I’ll test again. At one point I used to test non stop - but now the urge isn’t as strong. You’d think that after seeing so many, you’d get numb to the negative tests... That the pain might be dulled at least a little. Instead seeing them seems to hurt even more.

We’re leaving tomorrow - heading out of town for a few days and it probably couldn’t come at a better time. But I don’t want to hang a cloud over our trip so I’m going to try to hold out until Friday (13dpo) to test again. While my optimism is fading, I still have hope. We’re still holding our breaths and praying that I’m wrong, that come November we’ll be holding our second child.

Progesterone Draw

2009-03-07T16:36:00.001-06:00

Today was my progesterone draw as I am now 7dpo. My temps and chart have been beautiful, rising steadily for the first 6 days. Of course this morning it dropped by 0.31 degrees and now I’m paranoid as all hell. I need to learn how to de-stress - so much for staying calm. The low temp is still well above cover line, and my cover line is a little high compared to my pre-o temps as is, but I’m still worried. I’m just crossing my fingers that my temp goes back up tomorrow - Of course the day I need the temp to be accurate is also the first day of day light savings so things are going to be a little screwy no matter what. Anyway...

Steve and Caden came with me this morning since we had a few errands to run afterwards. Caden got a little fussy as soon as Mommy left with out him and the woman drawing my blood smiled and made mention of how the little ones are always so happy to be with Daddy until Mommy left.
The woman was very nice - she seemed rushed and hurried at check-in, but seemed to slow down with me later. The actual process, from sitting down to leaving, took all of 90 seconds - Just long enough for her to ask me quietly “How long have you been trying?”. There was something about the tone in her voice and the way she asked... like she understood.... Like she was or had been in this position, too.

When I walked out Steve looked at me and said “already?!” And immediately my mind started to wander. 90 seconds to draw blood from me was damn quick. Impressively quick... Never done before. People normally have a hell of a time - The first nurse who drew labs for a CBCD when I had appendicitis was in tears after she couldn’t get blood from me. I told her not to worry, it was common, but I guess I ruined her 25 year streak. The only other time anyone has been able to get blood from me easily like that was when I was pregnant. Usually there is at least some checking around for veins. I forgot to drink anything but coffee so I thought for sure it would have been more difficult. Of course, there are several completely normal explanations...

1. Between my pregnancy, surgery, and infertility... I know which vein is the vein of choice - Off to the side of my right arm. Very rarely fails. Not the best vein and nurses always check for a better one, but its usually the best I have to offer. Last blood draw I guess that one was a little deflated as the nurse decided to give it a break but this time it was nice and plump and filled that little vial in record time.

2. That little vial! Usually there are several vials and today it was just the one.

3. If nothing else, maybe it was just that this woman was that good.

But even so my mind turned to maybe, just maybe, I have a bit more blood volume because, well... you know. Its too early for that so its not the case... But that doesn’t stop the obsessing.

In fact, right now I have no symptoms of anything. And I feel like expecting or even hoping to get pregnant on my first ovulatory cycle in so long is asking too much. But I do hope, I hope so very much.

But for now I’m just focusing on Monday, when the labs are in. Who knows, I could find out then this was all just a nasty cruel joke - but I’m hopeful for good news.

3 days past.... ovulation?!

2009-03-03T11:30:00.001-06:00

Last week I noticed some minor changes in my normally void cycles. CM increased, my face broke out.... My cycle failed so I assumed AF was on her way. I though to myself that at least AF showing on her own and in a timely fashion would be a step in the right direction. I didn’t give much thought to it, nothing more than maybe an outcome that would spare me the 10 days of Provera and the following wait.

Around 2:45pm on Friday it occurred to me that it was that time again... OPK time. The time of day we all just love, no? I had given up hope on the cycle but had the left over strips so wth. I did my thing and put some things away. I glanced at the test and to my surprise it was positive. Very positive. No question about it.

Several months ago I got what we assumed to be two positive OPKs. The lines were very close, I was 99% sure they were positive, but hesitant. I didn’t ovulate. Add into that the fact that I have PCOS and screwy LH, well, my relationship with OPKs is definitely lacking in the trust department.

There is no question about Friday’s test - it was positive. But I still didn’t (and possibly don’t) trust it. Once bitten twice shy and all that. Steve came home from work that evening.
“hey, check this out” I called
“Huh... That one is definitely positive”
“I know....”

And then we just stood there. Is it possible that our failed cycle could yet come though with a little egg? We both smiled at the thought but neither of us fully trusted it. I had a small amount of fertile CM, but not much. It just didn’t feel right. Or possible.

Saturday’s OPK was positive, too. Not as dark, but positive. I had clearly negative OPKs all cycle long... Why they were all of the sudden positive actually angered me a little bit. I had given up on this cycle, come to terms with the fact that 50mg failed to make me ovulate. I’d be starting Provera soon enough.... And now this? I mean if I actually ovulated great but all this felt like was false hope.

Sunday’s OPK was negative. Close, but negative. My temp did jump though.

Monday’s temp climbed a bit more, but I still didn’t trust it. I’ve had false CH in the past. I’ve had 2 days of temp rises followed by a crash.

And then Today... Well today it appears that my 6 month wait turned into a two week one. My temp climbed again and I am 3dpo. My dr is out of the office but will call me tomorrow and I assume at that point we’ll set up the progesterone draw to confirm. It better confirm - I’m going to shit if this turns out to be nothing more than a series of well timed coincidences.

I’m trying not to get my hopes up... I’m still expecting to wake up to plummeting temps or for that progesterone draw to come back negative. But for now I have hope. For now all signs - BBT, OPKs, Dried up CM, aching breasts.. All indicate that I did indeed ovulate. To have this hope taken away at this point would just hurt so much.

And then.... Do I even dare to dream I could be pregnant? That all the waiting and praying could pay off? I think that would be too much. Just releasing an egg at this point is a huge success. And it gives me so much hope for next cycle. Of course we BDed and did what we could... But I worry that the little CM I had wasn’t enough. I worry that something funky was at work. So for now I’m just happy I ovulated.

And if in two weeks I see two pink lines again..... Well then I really will be the happiest girl in the world.

Thinking out loud and making plans

2009-02-22T11:45:00.002-06:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about what comes next. I’m actually eager to go ahead and start Provera, because at that point at least we’re working toward something instead of holding out hope that maybe... Just maybe... I could still ovulate. Plus once I start Provera I’ll be that little bit closer to going away with my boys, and all three of us are really excited about that.

I think one of the more difficult aspects in all of this is the aspect of the unknown. We have no idea what will work, if anything. Despite having a child, we’ve never faced any of this before so this is all new to us. People tell me “You got pregnant once, you’ll get pregnant again” but the truth is no one knows that. Yes, I got pregnant once but I also wasn’t dealing with PCOS and was releasing an egg every month.

And I think that the fact that my issues did basically appear over night makes it harder for me. I can’t shake the feeling that I did something wrong, that I did something to cause this. And in my head I go over everything again and again looking for a way to fix whatever I did so wrong. Looking for a way to make it all go away. Looking for a way to regain some sort of control once more.

So what comes next? I’ll call my doctor either on Tuesday or Wednesday and get my new prescriptions called in. 10 days of provera, hopefully not another 9 day wait for AF but who knows, then we’ll start 100mg of clomid and hope that does the trick.

As for me I’m going to do everything I can, however little that may be. I’m going to work on being more calm (haha, I know) and I think getting away for those few days coming up will really help. I already eat pretty well, something I made sure of once Caden was born (though he doesn’t see eye to eye with me on this issue), but I want to make even more improvements there. I need to read the insulin resistant book I bought a while ago but never got to. I want to start tracking my food again, too. And related I want to cement my workout routine and make sure I do a minimum daily workout instead of 4 days a week. With the weather hopefully starting to warm up pretty soon and daylight savings in just 2 weeks I should be able to start getting out for more walks. I’d like to work at least one short daily walk with Caden and/or Ellie (our Beagle) into the mix.

For hope I have some tricks up my sleeve I’ll elaborate more on later, heh. I’ll have been on Met 3, going on 4 months when this next cycle starts which is a very good thing. I’ve also been searching the internet and message boards for success stories - Stories from women who failed to ovulate on 50mg of Clomid but were successful on 100mg (or even 150, for future reference). So if thats you, Please share!!!

And I’ve started to make plans to move on. If 100 fails, I assume we’ll try 150 but beyond that I’ll be referred to a RE. I know seeing a RE will be best, but once we move on from my Ob/gyn so ends any penny of insurance coverage - including for testing, diagnosis, and even basic appointments. So staying with my ob/gyn is best for my pocketbook right now and I really love my doctors. But, just incase, I’ve called around for prices with local doctors on initial consultations, poured over websites, and already found a doctor I think we’ll be comfortable with. We’ve started saving for an injects cycle, since thats most likely where we would be heading next, but hopefully it won’t come to that. In the mean time I want to bring up the possibility of trying Femara again with my current doctor.

So thats about it. Like so much of this time is spent for all of us.... We wait and plan and cross our fingers. For now I’ll continue doing my lovely OPKs and keeping an eye on things.. Ya know, just incase...

As for the rest of the time I’m not peeing on sticks or typing in temps, you know... That time called life.... I have lots to do with the little man, the bigger man, our trip, the animals, catching up on scrapbooks (which will never be done), planning out or summer (I need to sign Caden and I up for swim lessons), and I really need to start looking into and gathering ideas for the vegetable garden I’ve been planning to plant the past 2 years.

Saturday Morning

2009-02-21T09:13:00.000-06:00

This morning we woke up to snow for the first time in a while. I’ve been excited about this and am thrilled to have a blanket of white outside once more. A reminder that winter is still here, that another season hasn’t passed without so much as an egg.

But, considering its CD18 and still no signs of ovulation... I need to accept that winter will have passed by the time we try again. By the time I start provera for 10 days, and who knows how long AF will take to show up after that... Most likely we’ll be looking at early April for ovulation. Which, as long as it happens, fine by me.

The truth is I never expected this - not even with the crazy cycles and knowing something was wrong. I never expected to make it though the end of summer, fall, winter, and now heading into spring without so much as a freaking egg. I never expected to feel so defeated.

After we had Caden I made mention on several occasions how I actually wanted to TTC next time - to actually really try. We did have unprotected sex and knew the possibility on our honeymoon, whatever happened, happened but we really weren’t expecting to get pregnant (I had just finished my period). So for our second we wanted that chance - I wanted to hope and anticipate and actually try. I always made sure to cover my bases, or so I thought, and add in the “well, I want to try but only for a month or two! I still want to get pregnant right away...” Oh how stupid I feel now.... how I regret those words.

The truth of the matter is that I have a lot of regrets. I know the “cool” thing to say is that you have none, I mean really regrets are just pointless. But I do - I have so many and they hurt so much.

I regret the first thing I said when I got my BFP was “oh shit”. I was excited and thrilled but terrified.... After the honeymoon, since the timing was all wrong and we thought for sure I wasn’t pregnant... We decided to wait a year before TTC.

I regret not taking more belly pics. I have a few, and for those I am grateful. But I developed Pre-eclampsia at 23 weeks with Caden and my face swelled terribly. I didn’t even look like myself anymore so I tended to avoid the camera.

I regret not fully enjoying my pregnancy, even though that was really out of my hands. I never really complained a lot, not even through the complications. Sure I broke down over the worry, over the helplessness. I couldn’t wait to get him on the outside where I felt I could protect him more. And I had terrible sciatica and insomnia (don’t wish either on my worst enemy). And I guess this is less of a regret and more of a wish.... I spent the last 4 months of my pregnancy on bed rest. When I had my cute, round belly I was sitting on a couch waiting... I wish I could have been that beaming pregnant woman out and about, hands on her belly, smiling.

I regret not savoring those newborn moments more. I’ve taken almost (if not over) 10,000 photos of Caden in his 2 years. I remember every detail... I just wish I would have taken more time to just sit back and take in every single feeling and emotion. I wish I wasn’t so eager for him to sleep through the night or to get a little bigger. I miss my baby.

I realize that the truth is most of these are unavoidable. I couldn’t control my pre-eclampsia and I wasn’t about to jeopardize the health of my son (and myself) to go prance around and glow pregnancy goodness across the tri-cities. And some of those early days, with the 3 hour feeds and the postpartum hormones and the night sweats and leaking breasts.... Some of those days your goal really is just to survive. And I know that most likely those early days with our next baby will be spent longing for at least a few hours of sweat free sleep.

But I also know there are things I will do differently. Swelling or not I’m taking pictures and video.

Its easy to get lost in the sadness, to feel bad and regret. But I know that I did enjoy my pregnancy even from my couch and bed. Maybe not the way a normal, healthy pregnant woman would have, but I did. I say I don’t remember things but I do. I remember so well lying in bed at 3am with my hands in my belly feeling him kick and move and roll. I remember sitting on my couch and seeing my belly jump for the first time. I remember how it felt when he would push against my hand and I remember the sound of his heartbeat. It was all so amazing and I cannot wait to do it again.

.......

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it will be like when I get that BFP again. Not enough to plan surprise announcements to friends and family or browse the newest maternity fashions, but I’ve been thinking about that day... About that feeling... That you’re on top of the world and nothing can bring you down. In a previous post I made mention on how I forgot how it felt to get a positive pregnancy test. I was wrong. Its hard to remember in this sea of hopelessness I’ve immersed myself in, but its still there. And for the first time in a while I can remember it and how wonderful it felt. And I feel like I might actually get to feel it again soon. I’m not sure why but I have hope... However fleeting it may be.

This cycle failed. I didn’t ovulate and I’m definitely not going to get pregnant. But next cycle might be the one that everything changes. I have a good feeling about the things to come for us. I have hope that 100mg might be just what we need. Now I just pray that I am right.

And I suppose this entry is a perfect example of how witting helps in all of this... To sort things out, to remember, to reflect. . To sit down on a Saturday morning not knowing what you wanted to say, to rant and ramble and bounce around, to sort though the negative and then to send it out and to find your way back to feeling at least a little bit normal.

So As the snow falls and winter still lingers, I’m going to close my laptop and enjoy a Saturday in with the funniest little man in the world....

Escape

2009-02-18T14:13:00.001-06:00

Well here we are on CD 15 and no signs of O. Its still possible but for the sake of my sanity I’m throwing in the towel for this cycle. 50mg failed. Lets hope 100mg does the trick.
So now we’re back to waiting....

I’m going to give it until next week before I officially call this one and call my dr for a new round of prescriptions. Then we’ll wait for Provera to work, cross our fingers, and take a deep breath.
In the mean time we’re getting the hell out of here for a few days. In 3 weeks Steve and I are going to take Caden up to the Dells to one of the great big indoor water parks. Our room is booked, I ordered Caden some water shoes, Steve got new tires and an oil change on the car - so now I just need to pick up a few things, secure the animals and house, and count down.

We’re really excited about this - its something we started to plan when we first began TTC. We assumed I’d be pregnant and wanted to have one last little trip just the three of us. But I’m not pregnant, who knows if or when I will be, so no time like the present. And it is helping me keep my mind off yet another failed cycle. Well, at least a little bit.

The resort we’re staying at has so much to do and I know Caden is going to have a blast - he loves the water. And the best part is that I get several uninterrupted days with my 2 favorite men!

And I’ll most likely be on Provera when we go so at least I don’t have to worry about AF ;)

Easy To Forget

2009-02-10T10:53:00.000-06:00

On one of the boards I post on there is a variety of trying to conceive forums. I tend to hang out on the PCOS forum the most. It doesn’t move as fast as the others and we’re usually taking about random chitchat, doctors appointments, intros and vents.

Every so often I sneak over and lurk the regular trying to conceive forum... Just to see what its supposed to be like. I don’t know why I do it, it surely doesn’t make me feel better. Things move much faster over there - so many posts about the 2ww, DPO, symptoms... Posts about AF staying away whereas on the PCOS board we wish she’d finally show up. And of course all of the bfp posts - light lines, dark lines, darker lines, betas, symptoms, congratulations.

I try to imagine what they are feeling - those women with the two pink lines. The excitement, the nervousness, the tears. I remember everything about the day I got my BFP with Caden - everything except how it felt. That whole week as I drove into work I wondered if I was going to need to pull over and get sick - and it was only a 5 minute drive. I’d stand at my desk and debate if I should sit down or go throw up. I assumed my stomach was just acting up again. Wednesday I finally gave in and went home early, Thursday I woke up feeling terrible and stayed home. Friday I wasn’t feeling much better and just couldn’t pull myself out of bed.
Thursday night I had a dream - one of those really vivid ones that takes a few minutes after you wake up to separate reality from fiction. In my dream I hunted down a left over pregnancy test in the linen closet form a “scare” almost 2 years prior - it was positive.

Once I finally crawled out of bed I did my usual thing, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down at my computer. While I wasn’t really thinking about it, I just couldn’t shake that dream so at 10am I got up, hunted down that same pregnancy test from my dream, and took it.

I remember the bathroom window was open - the sky was overcast and the ground was wet but it wasn’t raining for once - it had been raining all month, including on our wedding day less than a month before. The date was May 26, 2006. It was cool, but nice, and there was a soft breeze blowing much like today. I remember how the air smelled.... And I remember those two pink lines appearing almost instantly. I remember that I was shocked and surprised, scared and excited. I remember running down the hall into the living room and stopping not sure what to do. I remember calling my friend and her telling me to go get another test since the one I took expired the next month. I remember throwing on my clothes and jumping in the car. I remember buying the tests and, in grand fashion, 2 cans of cat food because I didn’t want it to look like I came to the store for just a pregnancy test (haha). I remember drinking as much as I could as quick as I could and testing again.... I remember every detail so well.... Yet I don’t remember what any of it felt like.

I still have that first positive pregnancy test. I took about 7 of them and saved them all for a while, but finally just kept the first. A few months ago, after yet another anovulatory cycle, I sat on my bathroom floor with that test - staring at those two pink lines. Trying to remember what was too easy to forget.

Random Babbling....

2009-02-09T17:16:00.000-06:00

For those who haven’t heard, there has been a recall on prescription prenatal vitamins. Not surprisingly, the one I’m taking is on that list so today I had fun going though the motions to get the new prescription. I’m being switched to one that is more expensive but not by much so not a big deal.
As for why the drugs are being recalled - it seems to be hard to get a clear answer. My doctor’s office says from their understanding the pills don’t have everything in them that they are supposed to, or they don’t have the necessary amounts in them.
.......

Our weekend was great - Yesterday we did get a day to relax but Saturday we spent the day running all over. We had a few errands to run and prescriptions to fill first and then we headed a few towns over to hit up Babies R Us to find Caden a new stroller. Afterwards we met up with my brother and his family and took the boys to Rainforest Cafe - Caden was scared of the alligator and didn’t know what to think of the first thunderstorm but other than that he loved it. He thought the gorillas were so funny. We finished up the day with a run to Ikea. It was just a nice day. And even better yet it kept my mind completely off of everything going on.

Tomorrow we are going to head out to the mall once Steve gets home to walk around and test out Caden’s new stroller. We’ve decided we’ll just go out to dinner then, too, since we were planning to go out for Valentine’s day anyway. Everyone we know to baby sit is coupled so we didn’t even try to find a sitter and I don’t mind my little man tagging along - after all, he is my valentine too. On Saturday I want to make a special treat for the boys - I just haven’t decided what. Then we’ll either make a yummy dinner or order in. So much eating out recently = bad, but we’ve made good choices so its okay.

So far I’ve had minimal side effects from clomid - Maybe a bit more bitchy... Or am I just using clomid as an excuse?? ;) Its nice but of course it makes me wonder if the drug is actually having an affect or not. I guess we’ll find out in a little over a week or so....

My Beautiful Boy

2009-02-07T00:01:00.002-06:00

We took Caden for his 2 year pictures today - they turned out well all things considered. I gave up on trying to get a bruise free picture and I learned that taking professional portraits of an always on the go two year old is considerably more difficult than a baby. The boy just wouldn’t stay still. Even the photographer just kind of sat there and said “I’m shocked he doesn’t have more bruises”. But he was having fun playing with all the props and the big basket of toys so who could blame him? And we did get some cute pics so mission accomplished. The upside is that I also spent a lot less. During Caden’s first year we took him every 3 months for pictures and I must say - I grew a damn cute baby. The bad was I had to have all the poses and would always walk out spending hundreds. This time, while all of the photos were still adorable (My cute baby turned into a pretty adorable toddler if I do say so myself) it was much easier to narrow it down. The best part was that we walked out of there with $85 worth of photos (4 poses) for $35. How I’m still not sure. Well, I do know, but it was quite unexpected. I had my typical coupon for one free photo sheet and 20% off my order. My self imposed spending limit for this session was $80 so I was going to be fine with that. But then we got an extra $20 off even when I told her she didn’t have to for a promotion we joined when Caden was first born but never got to use. Either way I was expecting to spend at least $80, so it was a very welcome surprise.

While we waited for our photos to be ready and all that fun stuff we took care of a little shopping as well. I was most decidedly due for a new bra and figured now was as good a time as any - and let me just say I love Victoria Secret’s Ipex bras.
I look young for my age - I always have, and I really hope I always will (ha). Some people (but not all) treated us poorly while planning our wedding because they thought I was 16. The looks I got when I was pregnant with Caden? Fantastic. I’ve even been carded to buy scratch off lottery tickets.
Anyway... While hunting down the just right bra (they moved stuff around on me!) I mentioned to the sales associate that “they just aren’t the same after pregnancy and nursing”... And they aren’t. The 23 year old sales associate looked away and shuffled a bit. Finally she asked... “if you don’t mind.. How old are you?”. I’m 26. A sigh of relief and a little giggle “oh, because you mentioned you had a child and I thought you were 15 or 16”. Mmmm, I was happy. A new bra and I can still pass as 16 year old mother. Not bad.

Side note: I don’t think I still look that young. I get it from time to time, but not as much as I used to. Must depend on the day.... And how well Caden is behaving that week ;).

After all was said and done we took Caden on the carousel and headed home.

.......

My appointment this afternoon was fine. I wouldn’t say wonderful as there wasn’t much that happened and I honestly feel a little robbed of yet another $20 copay, but such is life. My lab results were fine - exactly what you’d want to see from someone about to start their period. We didn’t end up testing my LH after all, which is the one I was interested in, but everything else looked normal.

I’m starting Clomid again tomorrow (CD4-8) since AF didn’t fully come on until Wednesday night. Originally I was planning to take the pill at night as women on other boards suggested doing so that you sleep away any nasty side effects. When I told my mom this her eyes grew wide and she was quick to let me know that there was no way in hell I’d sleep though a hot flash. I know there are other side effects but I’ve decided to take my chances and I’m going to start in the morning. Perhaps I’ll regret that choice later, but for now we’ll see what happens. I just want to get started.

So now we sit and wait - cross our fingers and hope, and oh do I hope, that this works. I’m trying to be optimistic without getting my hopes up too high just to be dashed down again, but that is easier said than done. I am so very hopeful that if not a pregnancy, we’ll at least get one good egg. Please.

Tomorrow I have a few prescriptions to fill and errands to run, but otherwise it looks like a very relaxing weekend - something I need.

To end this post on an adorable note... A few more of my baby’s 2 year portraits...

Bumps and Bruises

2009-02-05T13:24:00.000-06:00

AF did show without doubt yesterday and I’m glad. I’m actually really glad as if I would have just spotted it would have left a cloud of doubt over this entire cycle... Well, a cloud that is darker than the one that is already here. And I am quite happy that she decided to show before I was scheduled to take my 2nd dose of clomid as that would have made an even bigger mess out of things, at least in my mind.

And the even more good news is that I did have a nice lining which means I’m not low in estrogen. The only “down” to all of this is the timing, that AF finally decided to show after the labs and after we decided to move on without her.

I’ll most likely start clomid again tomorrow (CD 3) or even Sunday (CD5), depending on what my doctor wants to do. My question is if I’ll just take the 4 I have left or get another prescription for one more. In all the talking I believe my doctor said one pill isn’t going to make a huge difference, but I’m not sure what exactly that was in reference too, and I’d personally prefer to take the full 5 - give us the best chance at this cycle as its already off to a funky start.

I still have an appointment tomorrow to sit down and go over the labs we ran and decide when to start clomid again. Right now I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the labs are all the same as before, or even a little better. Just please, no unexpected bad results.

.......

In other non reproductive happenings tomorrow we also have an appointment after Steve gets home from work to have Caden’s 2 year pictures taken. We were supposed to get them done yesterday but Caden still has a small bruise on his forehead from last week. Its light and hard to notice, but I think it would show up in pics. Its getting better so I am really hoping it is gone tomorrow and we don’t have to reschedule yet again.
Caden is an extremely active little guy (and I mean extremely) so I’m well aware that bumps and bruises are part of the game - but he hasn’t had a mark on his face in months. But, with pictures coming, I knew one was sure to pop up.
........

My dog is driving me up the wall today. She is currently baying and going nuts at the mail man, which is fine. But every five minutes she wants to go out. Then she wants back in. Then she wants back out. Then she is sitting up on the back of the big arm chair where she knows she isn’t supposed to be. If she hears me get down... The fact that she knows is what drives me crazy. I guess thats just a beagle for you and she is pretty cute... Just in or out.

And finally, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve been playing with layouts again. I like it! I am so ready for spring to come. I miss playing outside and going on walks... Once the heat of mid summer arrives I’m sure to be bitching once more, but for now.... I miss the flowers.

Where to begin....

2009-02-04T11:38:00.000-06:00

The past two days have been interesting and exciting and once we thought we had things figured out, my body found a way to throw one last wrench into our plans. And at this point all we can do is laugh... and we did.

My appointment yesterday went okay - I sat down and spouted off all the things I researched and ruled out leaving only low estrogen as the culprit. The first thing my doctor said was “you had a nice thick lining at your ultrasound last cycle....”. I did, which is why I was so upset about all of this. I’ve always bled at least a little bit, on my own or with provera, so how my estrogen decided to tank all of the sudden had me freaked. And I was right that without estrogen, clomid isn’t going to work. So, we drew labs (E2, FSH, LH, TSH) and made an appointment to go over everything on Friday. In the mean time my doctor mentioned she was going to get a consult with a specialist outside her practice.

I got home at 1pm and was surprised when the phone rang at 2:30...
“I talked to Dr. So and so and wanted to let you know what he said......”

My original hesitation as to how my estrogen all of the sudden dropped wasn’t unfounded it seems. My dr (and the consult) agreed that they wouldn’t suspect estrogen just to drop like that and that it was elevated testosterone levels causing me not to bleed, not lack of a lining. In cases such as mine Dr. So and so (who got my neighbor pregnant (ivf) when everyone else told her it wouldn’t work, so I do trust him) said he has his patients start clomid on day 6-8 after provera (I was 8) since even though there was no bleed, everything did reset. It doesn’t make sense when I say it but it did when my doctor explained it to me. It could still be an estrogen issue... But in the end... It appears they were right, even without the labs.

So.... Last night I started Clomid.....

And this morning........

My period arrived.

Go freaking figure.
Right now its pretty light, maybe a tiny bit more than spotting. The current plan in hopes for best success at this point is to stay on clomid. If its just spotting my Dr doesn’t think its enough to compromise the quality of the lining. However, if I start to have a real flow the we’ll have to stop the clomid and start over in a few days.

I swear.... I’m really hoping she just comes full force today because this maybe sorta kinda AF is really messing things up! And if not with my body at least with my head ;)

When to let go

2009-02-02T11:37:00.000-06:00

I really wished I could have written today that I was doing better, but I’m not. I’m starting to wish I would have just waited until my appointment tomorrow instead of looking stuff up online, but I didn’t and now I know just how not good this is.

I didn’t respond to Provera. Its been a week and nothing. I understand there is still a chance AF could still show, but I know my body and I know that isn’t happening. I also know I don’t have any uterine abnormalities which leaves one thing.... Low estrogen, no lining. What I don’t know is if this could have been a one time thing? I was a little stressed between the holidays and such but really not more than normal. Provera worked fine last time...

What I do know is that if I’m low in estrogen it basically means Clomid is unlikely to work, which means we need to accept that we aren’t going to have another child. Clomid was our only real hope.
I guess it kind of goes along with the theme of the past several months of my life. No hope. No chance. Every cycle I don’t ovulate so there is no hope... No chance that I might be pregnant. Clomid was finally going to give us hope... But now it looks like that will be ruled out before we even get started, too. Another chance at hope taken away.

Part of me feels like it might just be best to let go... A big part of me. I hurt so bad right now. I don’t want to stop hurting just so I could do this all over again in a month, or two months, or six. Its not fair to my son, my husband, myself. Maybe I should just get the hurt over with and move on. Accept that we’re not having any more children. That Caden will grow up alone. That the cartoons and books about how to cope with being an only child will be him. That the posts on message boards about how bad onlies have it... Will be about him. I know thats not all true, that my baby will have a good life regardless... But it doesn’t hurt any less. I wanted him to have a sibling. And I’m grateful that I have him... I have him. But he doesn’t get anyone.

I already know what will happen tomorrow... Well, once the blood test results come back. My estrogen will be low... We’ll supplement with estrogen and then Provera again, AF comes. Maybe we’ll even try clomid just for shits and giggles - you never know after all. It will fail, we’ll be referred onto a specialist with lots of fancy treatments we cannot afford.

The truth is if we save up we could probably afford an injects cycle in a little bit. Maybe, maybe not. One cycle maybe - but not two. And how likely is it to work on the first try? Not very. I called around to some local doctors to see what the initial consultation would cost.... $350... $400... So on. Luckily I did find one doctor who will do the initial consolation for free if you don’t have insurance coverage. So I guess it won’t hurt... Well, not until we find out we can’t afford anything else.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost all hope... Faith... In so much. And I think that is what hurts the most.

I can't do this anymore

2009-01-29T13:32:00.001-06:00

I have a call into my Doctor’s office - she is out today but will call me back tomorrow. Either we’re starting clomid or I’m giving up... And honestly giving up sounds like the better option. I can’t do this anymore.

Two months... Its been two more long months and we aren’t any closer to having a baby. Two more months, a shit ton of pills, and nothing to show for it. No egg, no period, no pregnancy, just me sobbing in my living room asking why. I've tried to be positive - I've tried to distract myself, but really... whats the point?

I finished Provera on Monday and I still haven’t got AF. I know it can take a week blah blah blah..... But if the Metformin was doing anything to help at all then I think I’d have got it by now. Instead nothing - not a single cramp, not a single spot, nothing... So I doubt she is showing anytime soon.

I don’t know how much longer I can do this - I have no reason to expect clomid will work since nothing else has and I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I have never hated my body more than I do right now. I think its time to accept the truth of my situation.

Tag

2009-01-28T10:04:00.000-06:00

I was tagged at Aramelle’s blog A New Wheeler for the world , to post 10 honest things. I won’t be tagging anyone back though. Not because I don’t want to, but because most of the people I would tag don’t know about this blog since I wanted to keep our current issues separate. Anyway, here is my list...

1. I’m way too nostalgic at times. Through all the hard times my life has been amazing and I feel so blessed, I just seriously wish I could press pause.

2. I have obsessive compulsive tendencies. I love to organize. I’m not OCD, but when stressed my lovely little quirks flare up. It has been under control for a long time now but was the worst in College. I was mainly a checker - it would take 30 min to leave the house so I could do a few full checks of every room, etc. Certain things had to be certain ways... I’ll still check the house more than necessary if I’m stressed but its no where near as bad.

3. I’m terrified of death.

4. I had a high risk pregnancy with my son - early onset pre-eclampsia, 4 months bed rest, fetal crash, emergency c-section. I secretly wonder if my infertility is my body’s way of telling me I won’t make it though another pregnancy with such a positive outcome.

5. I’m super emotional all the time - I cry at everything.

6. We have 3 cats and a beagle. The cats used to be my babies before the human baby came along - I feel guilty they don’t get the attention they once did.

7. I love to do all sorts of crafty things - especially scrapbook and paper craft. I wish I knew how to do more.

8. I’ve been eating like crap the past few days - I hate the way I look and need to work on that.

9. I’m a night owl - no matter how tired I am or even if I fall asleep - as soon as 9pm hits I’m wide awake.

10. Sometimes I miss working but I wouldn’t give up staying home with my son for the world. Seeing that he might be all I get, I’m eternally grateful that I had this opportunity.

Starting at the end again

2009-01-17T09:09:00.002-06:00

This morning I started Provera again which means I got to bask in the glow of yet another negative pregnancy test. I found myself just sitting there staring at the test... Not at the results as I knew what they would be, but at the test itself... The result key just off to the side of that little window... Pregnant. I, of course, related more to the “Not Pregnant” printed on the line below, but I couldn’t take my eyes off that one little word and that little picture of two little lines. I wish I knew what I was feeling, but I don’t. I just stared.

After I had enough I went and crawled back into my warm bed and under the covers and stared a while longer out the window. It has been so cold lately, and today looks like no exception. I wished I could go back to sleep but within a few minutes I gave up and crawled back out of bed and here I sit. We gave up on this cycle and stopped actively trying to conceive a week ago, so this time I don’t even have that in these little pills. My hope at this point is that my period arrives quickly and we can just move on.

I wish I could say I had some grand hope about this next cycle but I don’t. I will say that I do think the Metformin has had some positive effects on me as I have noticed changes from previous cycles, but I’ve accepted at this point we’re going to need more than just this. I am okay with giving one more cycle before moving on - mainly due to the reduced risk of miscarriage in women with PCOS who were on Metformin prior to conceiving. And who knows, this could be the cycle everything changes, this could be the cycle we’ve been waiting so many months for... But I doubt it.
I try to remind myself that anything is possible - despite how expected a negative pregnancy test might be, those results always leave you feeling just a little bit down and this morning is no exception.

I cancelled my upcoming appointment on the 4th as the timing turned out to make that appointment irrelevant to my cycle. Instead I’ll be going in on the 24th - by that point I should be far enough in my cycle that we will know what is happening and be able to move on accordingly.

And in other somewhat good news the $1,000.00 bill denied by my insurance as it was coded as infertility has been re-coded and resubmitted. It is still showing as pending but at least a portion has been paid. That portion is low so I’m hoping the insurance company isn’t going to try to deny some of the tests as infertility, but we’ll see. If so I have every intention of appealing (and winning). The kicker - Two weeks ago my insurance company sent me a pamphlet on the importance of regular gynecological check ups and how fragile your reproductive health is... Of course they failed to include that little disclaimer that if something is wrong, you’re up the creek and don’t look to them for a paddle... And definitely not a payment.

.....

Caden’s party is just a week away so my plan for today is to wrap this up, jump in the shower, and get his cake ordered. The cake has been quite the ordeal but I’m not even going to get started on that. I find it hard to believe just how quickly these two years have passed, and it breaks my heart how hard it is to remember what Caden was like as an itty bitty newborn at times. I remember moments so well, but at the same time I don’t remember and it is so hard to explain. I look at his baby photos and it is hard to believe he was ever that small. Now he is a constantly moving little ball of energy, our little man, who makes me smile and keeps me on my toes, he is, after all, what I live for, but it all just goes so fast. Caden is such a smart little boy - he knows most of his letters and can count to ten and so much more. And he is so funny - always good for a giggle and a smile.

Once again I stare but this time at nothing... I love listening to him laugh.

Holding Pattern

2009-01-12T11:03:00.001-06:00

I haven’t felt like writing lately because I guess I don’t have much to say. As I already knew I didn’t ovulate so now we just wait. Assuming AF doesn’t show, and I doubt she will, I’m going to start Provera again at the end of this week - I’ll probably refill my prescription on Wednesday since we’re in for some pretty cold temps at the end of the week and I don’t want to drag Caden out in that weather. Knowing the end to this cycle is in sight has helped keep some of the negative feelings tucked into the back corners of my mind. They are never gone, but at least they aren’t dominate.

Saturday we watched my 3 year old nephew for most of the day. Watching him and Caden play was so sweet and I kept thinking what a great big brother Caden will be. I kept thinking how wonderful it will be to have our two children playing like that. Seeing my husband play with both of the boys hurt a little - he is such a great Daddy (or Dee as Caden calls him) and he deserves his second child. We both do. I only hope I can give it to him... To us.

Otherwise, I’ve been trying to keep my mind off things. We’ve been working on a few projects around the house, getting things in line for Caden’s birthday party (less than 2 weeks!), etc. I’ve also noticed that I tend to distract myself by spending money, particularly on craft and scrapbooking stuff, which I really shouldn’t do... I went a little overboard the past few weeks so I’m done for a while! Its not like I’m putting us in debt or anything, but I have so much stuff as is and lack the time to use it all, so I need to focus more on using what I have. I love to scrapbook and paper craft and the like - I just need more time!

Speaking of which, my scrap/craft room has been a bit of a debate within my mind. When I was pregnant with Caden we painted the room yellow and turned it into our office/craft room. As time has gone on, I really didn’t like the color and have wanted to paint it. However, knowing that soon enough the room would become a nursery and thus painted again we never did anything. We almost painted in July but then began TTC so we held off. Had I known what I do now, I would have just painted it.

I talked to DH about it and we (well, he) are going to go ahead and paint the room. I think we’re both secretly hoping Murphy’s law kicks in and I get pregnant right away after painting it, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. If we do end up needing to repaint that room and turn it into a nursery right away though, I doubt either of us will mind. And if months from now I’m still not pregnant, well then at least I won’t be looking at the yellow walls kicking myself for not going ahead and painting. So, either next weekend or sometime after Caden’s party, depending on when we have the time, we’re going to paint the room a pretty shade of green.

I’ve been able to distract myself with room plans and better ways to organize which has been helpful, and I am excited about my new room. At least it won’t be a reminder of the wait anymore. Once the time comes to turn that room into a nursery we plan to move my craft stuff to the basement and I have plans floating around in my head for that, too. I’ve debated just moving everything down now, instead of waiting, but I don’t think that the empty room would be good for me right now.

Otherwise I’ve just been hanging out with my boys, playing in the snow, playing with cars and trains, and just being. I’m just glad that for the most part I haven’t been dwelling on that which I cannot change and I hope to continue. Soon enough we’ll be onto a new cycle, new hope, and if not, a new plan.

Unconventional Wisdom

2009-01-06T10:51:00.000-06:00

I spoke with my doctor yesterday afternoon regarding the timing of my upcoming appointment and she said that she would like to see me do another cycle/month on Met before starting Clomid but if I was feeling anxious we could go ahead and begin next cycle. I agreed that it would be best to wait another cycle before starting Clomid - I know it can take some time for the drug to sort things out and seeing that time on Clomid is limited, I don’t want to rush anything and I want to give us the best chance possible of the meds working. It helps to know, too, that if something goes wonky and I do start getting anxious (well, more so than now) we can go ahead and start. So far I’m okay though, and I think that this will be best. Unless AF takes her sweet time showing up after the Provera - then I’ve decided we’re moving on.

So we wait. Wait to start Provera, Wait for AF, Waiting (and hoping) to ovulate or waiting for another cycle to end. Its the waiting that makes me so anxious, the waiting with no hope. At least if I was ovulating I’d be waiting for something but instead I wait for something that never comes. And if I was ovulating on the second half I’d have hope, a chance, a possibility of pregnancy... Instead my wait is empty with no hope, no possibility, and a bottle of pills in my hand instead of a pregnancy test. But at this point its all we can do, so we wait. While it doesn’t feel like it, I am doing what I can. Next cycle could be the cycle, the wait could finally pay off, and if not, we’ll move on.

Last night after I gave my son his bath and tucked him into bed I grabbed a book from the shelf and snuggled up next to him to read him is bedtime story. It was a book I’ve read so many times in the past and I grabbed it pretty much at random, not thinking or remembering much about it at all. I turned the pages and read the happy rhymes while Caden looked at the bright pictures and giggled and smiled... And then I found something I never quite expected to find... A little bit of wisdom in words and rhymes meant for my child, but that I needed to hear...

So I leave you with a few pages from the wise Dr. Seuss and his book, “Oh, the Places You’ll go!”

..........
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked.
A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you go in, should you turn left or right...
Or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find,
For a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
That you’ll start in to race
Down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
And grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

... For people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
Or the mail to come, or the rain to go,
Or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
Or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
Or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
Or waiting around for Friday night
Or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
Or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
Or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
Or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting...

NO! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape
All that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
Where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping
Once more you’ll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you’re that kind of guy!

.......................................

I’m afraid that some times
You’ll play lonely games too
Games you can’t win
‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
You’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance
You’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
That can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go
Though the weather be foul
On you will go
Though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
Through Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
A frightening creek,
Though your arms may get sore
And your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you’ll hike far
And face up to your problems
Whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,
As you already know.
You’ll get mixed up
With many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s
A Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you’ll move mountains.

So...
Be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
Or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off to great places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... Get on your way.

An Egg That Never Comes

2009-01-05T10:00:00.000-06:00

According to fertility friend I’m 7dpo today, meaning I should be going in for the progesterone draw. However, I’m not. If I actually believed fertility friend I would, but I don’t. I had negative OPKs, cervix didn’t really suggest ovulation and other than a slight temp rise and a very small, very short lived patch of possibly fertile CM, nothing else correlates - FF didn’t even indicate ovulation until 5 or 6 dpo. It also doesn’t help that the past two days worth of temps were not entirely accurate as they were taken too early or too late. I really do not believe I ovulated but if for some reason my temp does go up tomorrow (and its accurate) I’ll go in. 8dpo is better than none I’m sure, plus - I don’t see there being that need.

Twice now Fertility friend has indicated ovulation that didn’t really happen, so you could see why I have a hard time believing. I’m also expecting some perfect temp rise and beautifully correlated chart when I finally do ovulate which I know is probably not going to happen and something I need to let go of. And now I’m wondering why I even chart when I don’t even trust what I see?

When I first started charting and ovulation was first indicated I fiddled and played with numbers and such (keeping exacts written and saved) just to keep those beautiful red crosshairs. Now I fiddle and play with numbers to see how easy it is to get rid of them.

Anyway....
I do need to call my doctor regarding my Metformin prescription (the pharmacy is dishing out based on the original prescription, which adds up to only 2 weeks of pills) and where to go next. Unless AF does show in the next week or two, that February 4th appt isn’t making much sense as it will put me at the beginning of a new cycle, assuming Provera works the same as before. It will be too late to start clomid that cycle and too early to know if I ovulated on my own or not so I need to see what the doctor thinks we should do... Move the appointment up to just go ahead and start clomid, or move the appt to the end of February to better correlate with the end of the cycle and start clomid the following. I can go either way.

On the one hand I can see the benefit of doing 2 full cycles on Met - I wasn’t expecting it to work right away anyway. On the other hand I am so incredibly tired of anovulatory cycles and the waiting and waiting and waiting for an egg that never comes. I hate the second guessing and everything that goes along with it - part of me wonders if I even have another anovulatory cycle in me. The biggest argument for waiting another cycle is the fear that clomid won’t work. That we’ll exhaust that option and it won’t work either, and thats a point I just don’t want to get to or I want to delay as long as possible.

I guess we'll just see what my doctor thinks because my current stance on the subject is who the hell cares. As much as I wish I could say that I’m out of that new year funk I posted about last, such isn’t the case. I so miss my blissful optimism that flew out the window with the passing of the holidays and yet another missing egg. At least I’m not feeling as shitty and obsessive as in months previous, and I’m not feeling this way all day, but I do need to pull myself up and get over it - well, as much as that can be done. Hopefully once I talk to my doctor and have a better laid plan for the weeks to come that can happen.

In closing let me just say that anovulation sucks. Big time. I haven’t been TTC the past several months, I’ve been TTO - Trying to ovulate. All of the preseed and sex and hip raising or magical conception pillows, instead cups or whatever won’t do a damn for me - There is no chance, no possibility I could be or even could get pregnant, no hope. There is nothing I can do but swallow down a few pills and cross my fingers that just maybe we’ll get an egg. There is no control, nothing I can do and it is so damn frustrating.

Welcome 2009

2009-01-01T11:43:00.000-06:00

I remember the start of 2008 so well, it seems like only weeks have passed instead of a whole year. 2008 was to be our year of nothing. ‘03 we moved in together and Steve’s college graduation, ‘04 we got engaged and my college graduation, ‘05 we bought a house, ‘06 we were married and pregnant, ‘07 brought the birth of our first child... 2008 was to be just us. Originally we weren’t planning on TTC until now - January 2009 - so there wasn’t to be any pregnancies, births, marriages, etc. And I was so looking forward to that... A year to just be. I was fine having a year of no big announcements, no huge happenings... The past five years had so much going on I forgot what it was like to have just a regular year. I was excited about this. While I wasn’t expecting and was in fact counting on having nothing big and exciting to write in the “what great happened in 2008” box, I wasn’t expecting to have to much to write in the crapfest of ‘08 section.

Our crapfest, as previously and so eloquently stated, started out in February with the trigger of events that lead to the starting of this blog - Getting sick, emergency surgery, and for the first few months following, while unaware of what had been set off, the worst of it was just the medical bills (we still haven’t been billed on the big one, btw). Beyond the medical bills I saw the surgery as a great thing, and in one respect it was. For seven years I dealt with that terrible pain on and off and people thinking I was just over exaggerating or making things up. And since my surgery I have been completely free of that terrible pain.

Of course then the months passed and periods did not, we moved up TTC just to find out it wasn’t going to happen again for us on our own, PCOS, infertility, and then the icing on the cake - losing our infertility insurance coverage completely.

Then there were little things - house repairs, the economy, minor (but expensive) things that added up.

Beyond that, I did get my quiet year so I suppose I can’t complain too much. My son, my husband, my family were all healthy. I didn’t lose anyone close to me and I did have a great year with Caden. Swimming lessons, trips to the zoo, pumpkin patch, playing in the back yard... Those things were all great and beyond the infertility, bills, medications and doctor appointments, 2008 really is filled with many smiles and happy memories and for that I am truly grateful.

I suppose I’m just feeling a tad bit negative this morning. I’m on CD 19 and no sign of ovulation. While I’m aware it could still happen my original thoughts of this cycle being a bust seem to be holding true. It doesn’t help that yesterday I was on day two of a nice temp rise and my breasts hurt - At first I thought no way but then I did get my hopes up that I might have actually ovulated. I didn’t. I was so excited at the prospect of actually being able to decide when to test instead of deciding when to start Provera, but that isn’t the case. And I’m left to sit here thinking that the metformin isn’t going to work. The clomid isn’t going to work. We’re never going to have another child. I truly hope such isn’t the case and I hope to get out of this funk soon - I think I would have been fine had not been for the thoughts that I may have actually ovulated. My thinking right now is to give it another 2 weeks and start Provera. When I go in on February 4th it will still be early in my cycle so I won’t be starting clomid until March. I’ve debated just holding off on Provera so that I can start clomid next cycle, but 2 cycles on metformin would probably be best. I think I’ll put a call into my doctor in a week or two as I need to have her fix my met rx anyway.

So yes - Welcome 2009. I have many hopes for what you may bring. While I wished for quiet last year, I pray for big this year - for announcements, for a pregnancy, for our second child. Please...

Merry Christmas! Only almost a week late...

2008-12-31T14:58:00.000-06:00

I consider it a good thing that it has taken me so long to sit down and write out this post. I’ve been busy and we had a fantastic Christmas and hope any (and every) one else reading this did as well.

The days before Christmas were busy getting the house cleaned, presents finished and wrapped, cookies baked... Christmas eve we spent the evening at my Mom’s and that was really nice. Christmas morning we opened presents here at home and got to enjoy a relaxing time this year - no quick showers and out the door! Of course I thought the day would be a little more relaxing than it was but between getting the Christmas morning mess cleaned up and dinner cooked, it wasn’t so much. My in-laws came over for dinner and the food turned out yummy though the turkey did take longer to cook than I expected. Everyone seemed to enjoy the gifts we got them and everyone here, especially Caden, was quite spoiled.

The days following involved putting together lots of toys and I started to take down the Christmas decorations - everything but the tree and outside lights. Unfortunately everyone here ended up sick, Steve the worst of us, but it was still a nice weekend.

We had a really wonderful holiday and now I’m kind of sad its all over. No more Christmas music to dance around the living room with Caden, no more presents to wrap or cookies to decorate, and in a day or two our tree will come down and it will be time to hunker down for the next few months of cold, grey, and dark. As crazy as it sounds I’m already looking forward to next Christmas, I’m just hoping it will work out as this one did in terms of not having to drive all over, though we didn’t please everyone and I wish we could have.

The house is clean once again and toys and new goodies have found their place in our house. I have a two of my gifts I still need to assemble and put away but other than that, not too bad.
I can’t believe its already new year’s eve... The final hours of 2008 are ticking down, another year gone. 2008 most definitely didn’t turn out to be the year I expected it to be, but thats another entry sure to come in the next day or two.

On the fertility end of things, there may or may not be news to report but there is definitely a post obsessing soon to come....
For now I need to get the house tidied from the mornings play while Caden is still napping...

Apprehensive

2008-12-19T17:09:00.000-06:00

Thunder snow woke me up this morning - it was a huge crash resulting in one freaked out fat cat hauling ass through the house and under my bed, the 2nd cat soon following.. At least the 3rd kitty, the beagle, and the boy didn’t seem to care. But I sat straight up and got out of bed and looked out the window without temping, oops. I’m only on CD 6 so its not like it really matters anyway.

I’m up to my full dose on Met now and so far so good. I do feel a little queasy from time to time but I really can’t complain and am okay with how I feel on it. It really has killed my appetite though, especially in the afternoon. I’m not sure if its the meds or just how busy I’ve been the past few days, but I’ll get hungry mid morning and have a quick snack (I rarely eat breakfast) and then usually around 3pm I’ll realize I haven’t really ate and force myself to choke something down. Today it was half a bowl of cheerios. Evenings are much better though and I am eating, no worries there.

AF is all but gone, a day or so sooner than on a normal, non induced cycle. The crazy thing is I’m kind of upset to see her go. I mean, I can understand missing AF - When she doesn’t come around when she ought to, its frustrating. When she doesn’t come around because your body isn’t working properly, it just sucks. But even then I was always glad when it was over, new cycle, new hope, no period.. So what the hell is going on here? Why am I sad to see her go? After all, periods suck.

I definitely don’t want another two week long period like I have had once before, so its not the actual ending in 6 days that has me iffy.. Its what comes next. I’m afraid to go on and have another anovulatory cycle, which all things considered, is the most likely outcome for this cycle. Beyond that I’m afraid that my next cycle will be anovulatory and we’ll move onto clomid. And it isn’t the possibility of clomid that has me apprehensive, but the possibility that clomid won’t work either. Because thats our only hope at this point. These medications are our only shot.

We have no infertility coverage on our insurance so we can’t move onto injectables or IUIs or IVFs. They are not an option. We could actually probably cover some of those expenses out of pocket but with the economy and who knows what the hell might happen between now and then - I can’t jeopardize my family’s financial stability, my son’s... We’re not in a place I’d feel comfortable doing that at this point. But that is really a bridge to cross when we come to it - things could change, the economy could be fairing better, we could win the lottery.... Crazier things have happened, right? But to say that the knowledge that these meds are our only real hope at this current point and time is on my mind is an understatement.

I still have hope, and I do believe we will be pregnant soon... But moving on, actually being back to the point of TTC brings back all those old familiar fears. And I worry that the bliss of waiting and hope will be gone completely in a few weeks when I haven’t ovulated yet again, even though I don’t really expect that I will ovulate this cycle.

The good in this at least is in the timing. I have so much going on that my mind is, for the most part, distracted from my ovaries and empty uterus. The next week is filled with prepping for Christmas, Steve is home the 3 days following so I’m excited to spend the time with my boys, the next week is another short week for new years and will be spent playing with Christmas presents, cleaning, putting together toys, taking down Christmas decorations, etc. Beyond that is planning Caden’s birthday party - though not as involved as Christmas, its something to do. By the time that is over we’ll either know how the Metformin is working or be starting clomid, so I’m hoping this all keeps the obsessive thoughts away.

I guess all I can do at this point is cross my fingers and see what happens. I suppose I should restock my opks.

Secondary

2008-12-16T15:25:00.000-06:00

As I browse and post on message boards I see blinkies and banners declaring that Secondary Infertility hurts, too. And it does. It hurts a lot and no matter how many children you have, not being able to have another one when you and your partner so want it is going to hurt.

I can’t compare the pain of secondary to primary infertility because I’ve never walked in those shoes - Caden was conceived without issue, a surprise really. And I can’t say that one pain is worse than the other, though I do have my suspicious. I can say that secondary infertility is painful. Knowing my body doesn’t work the way it should, knowing that I might not be able to give my husband another child or make my little boy a big brother, the fact that I might not ever get to hold and nurse another baby, it all punches me in the stomach in a way I never imagined every time it pops into my head. I have hope that isn’t the case and I’m trying to be optimistic but even the hurdles we must overcome hurt. The row of prescription bottles lined up in my medicine cabinet, the medical bills, being up at 1am sick because of the medication (felling fine now though, woo!)... Its all a reminder and every single bit of it stabs at me. I try to find logic and reason as to why we’re faced with this while drug addicts, shitty neglectful parents, murders and the general ass holes of life can reproduce without blinking an eye, but there is no logic, no reason, no fairness.

That being said... I cannot even imagine, and I am so incredibly thankful that I don’t have to, going though this alone. And by alone I don’t refer to my husband - It doesn't really need to be said that I have his support and love and I am quite lucky to have the wonderful man that I do - who is even willing to climb out of bed at 1:30am and hunt down lotion for my dry feet because I feel too shitty to move.. But by alone I mean I don’t know how I would manage though this without my son.

Of course I don’t have someone to talk to or direct support through the 23 month old ball of energy spinning around my life... But when he runs down a hall, arms outstretched and thrilled to bits all over the prospect of a hug, a kiss, and a cuddle... Everything bad in the world simply melts away, if even only for a few minutes. His bright smile and personality never allow me to wallow for long, and looking into his big beautiful eyes, my eyes, never ceases to amaze me.

I get to tuck him in every night and check on him a hundred times more. He sits in the cart and we talk and laugh as we move about the grocery store. We get to celebrate Christmas with him and snuggle up with books, teach him new things and learn so much more from him. I have thousands of pictures and thousands more memories and I have tomorrow with him. I have a child. I have a beautiful little boy who is my world. And fertile or not, I don’t know what I’d do without him. I might not have the round belly I expected to have this Christmas and the next time I’m at my OB’s office might not be because I’m pregnant, but I have a perfect little boy, an amazing husband, and a wonderful family who never let me slip too far.

Caden will always know he is loved and he will always know just how much he means to Steve and I. We will always be grateful to be blessed with him in our lives. And one day soon he will sit with his little brother or sister and he will be oblivious to just how grounded he kept me through this. That he was my hope... That he was my reason everything would be okay, even if it is not.

To those still trying for their first, my heart goes out to you. I cannot pretend to understand where you are and I cannot pretend to understand how it feels to require more than just where I am now, or to try for years without success. But I can tell you that every obstacle, every hoop to jump though and shit storm to survive is worth it when you reach that goal, your child, and I pray you do.

And I know that the same holds true for our next child. And I know that one day my husband I will sit and watch our children play. And even when the fun turns to tears and fighting and the moment is all but ruined... It is all worth it in the end.

Well, that was quick

2008-12-14T14:38:00.000-06:00

Saturday was my last day of Provera - I was hoping AF would arrive quickly but was hesitant as I’ve read it can take up to 10 days after the last pill for her to show. Most of Friday, while still on the Provera, I felt very AFish, crampy, moody, something going on down there for sure. Then, as AF always does, a relative was sent to trumpet her arrival via a wonderfully placed pimple upon my cheek. Hmm, I thought. Sure enough I started spotting. The spotting was light and gone by morning so I took my last pill and spent the rest of the day cramping and spotting, knowing she was knocking on the door.

As I suspected, late this morning AF arrived and so begins a new cycle. CD 1. For so long I dreaded the first day, but considering AF doesn’t visit as much as she used to, and all things considered, I find myself excited. I’m not looking forward to the cramps tomorrow is sure to bring but I’m interested to see where this cycle takes us.

I’m afraid to say it for fear of the almighty jinx, but I have hope for this cycle. Mostly because I’ve never gone three consecutive cycles without ovulating, so I’m hoping that regardless of medications I might be up to release an egg anyway. And of course I’m hopeful that the provera and “fresh start” might have done something, or even the short time I’ve been on Metformin.
Of course I’m hesitant, too. I’ve never gone three consecutive cycles, but then I’ve only been having these crazy cycles for 10 months... Anything can happen. Furthermore, I’ve only been on met for a week and a half and am not even to my full dose. So the meds are, in my mind at least, unlikely to have much of an affect at this point.

And then, of course, I worry. What if I do ovulate this cycle, we don’t catch the egg, and ovulation was random and not a result of the metformin. I worry that might mask the effectiveness of the drug leading us not to begin clomid in February when it may really be needed. Of course if I do ovulate this cycle it should give enough time to show if the next cycle will (or will not be) ovulatory as well before my February appointment.

My biggest hope for this cycle, beyond ovulation and a resulting successful pregnancy of course, is that I don’t obsess as I have in the past. The wondering if I’m going to ovulate, what’s wrong, why is my body doing this, was terrible. Most days I couldn’t get it out of my mind and I don’t want to end up back in that place. I’m hoping that now that I have a diagnosis and we’re in the process of correcting these issues I’ll be able to have a more laid back approach. It also helps that I have a refill on my provera prescription in the event of another anovulatory cycle. A simple trip to the pharmacy is all it will take instead of waiting and obsessing and wondering when the hell AF might decide to show.

The next few weeks are quite eventful, and that should keep my mind off of things to a certain degree as well. I have lots to do in preparation for the holidays, meals to cook, cookies to bake, presents to wrap, a few to finish, gatherings to attend.... Following will be the assembling of toys, cleaning of messes, and putting away the decorations. I’ve also been scrapping/crafting more again and that has helped keep my mind off of things.

I’m happy that we’ve had this charting/opk/ttc break as I expect that to help as well. A fresh start and new hope for this cycle... And perhaps new life in the new year.

Waking Up

2008-12-12T11:16:00.000-06:00

I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the Met or perhaps its just the season but I’ve been getting a lot done the past few days.

Every since having Caden I’ve been so exhausted in the afternoons. Every since my surgery this has been so much worse. My exhaustion wasn’t to the point of being crabby or a little sleepy but instead was to the point of being unable to function. I tried everything from exercising during that time to holding off on lunch until the afternoon hours... Nothing worked.

By 3pm I was always falling asleep, sitting up if such was the case, and then waking up 30 to 60 minutes later when Caden woke up, always feeing like I had just been hit by a truck. I then stumbled around for the next several hours until I finally woke up just in time for bed.
I tried not taking the nap, keeping myself busy and not sitting down... Instead I still just felt like I had hit by a truck and stumbled around in a haze for the afternoon and early evening.

For the past several days I still find myself getting drowsy in the afternoons, but not to the extent I was before. Instead of needing to sit or lay down I’m able to keep going and get things done. While I might be a little drowsy, I am able to function and in turn I feel so good. Being that tired was so hard, to feel that bad was terrible. I worry that it will come back and I’m sure it will, but for now I’m enjoying this chance to get things done.

So what have I done with these new found hours? Nothing terribly exciting, well, not to most.
Yesterday I managed to rearrange Caden’s room and get that cleaned up in an attempt to make way for the new round of goodies that will come on Santa’s sleigh in just a few weeks - I still need to go though toys and clothes do decide what needs to be donated and what needs to be packed away.

I’ve also been taking care of our Christmas preparations... Wednesday we took Caden to see Santa and I just need to pick up two more presents and then my shopping is done. Wrapping is almost done as well which just leaves stockings for Steve and Caden, Stockings for the kitties and Ellie, plan and bake cookies, plan Christmas dinner, and finish up the few homemade gifts we’re doing this year.

This weekend I hope to accomplish most on my Christmas to do list as well as hopefully get some scrapping in and possibly work on planning Caden’s 2nd birthday party. Tomorrow Daddy and Pook are heading out to finish up their Christmas shopping and then on Sunday afternoon Caden is going with Grandma to a Christmas party (and he’ll get to see Santa again!) So I’ll have some time to myself.

It definitely feels good to be getting things done, to have energy, to feel somewhat back to myself.
....

Speaking of Metformin, I increased my dose on Wednesday and so far have felt fine. I did get a bit queasy for a few minutes yesterday afternoon, but it was short lived and nothing terrible. So far, so good! Hopefully my cycles will respond as well as my lack of side effects has me feeling.

And We Wait...

2008-12-09T10:23:00.001-06:00

In a lot of ways I’m enjoying this little TTC break we’re on... But this morning I find myself eager to start trying again.

It has been nice not to have that little voice in my head constantly wondering if I might actually ovulate, analyzing every twitch, thinking that if I ovulate this week we might have a chance, there is still a chance at an ovulatory cycle... Then in the case where all signs pointed to ovulation, wondering if I really did when I knew I didn’t. Other than thinking to take all of my pills, I haven’t really thought about trying much at all. I’ve thought about our next baby and all the things to get done, what a great big brother Caden will be, what it will be like to get my positive hpt.
I’ve tried to imagine what it would be like to get that positive hpt for months... But I never quite felt that it was possible. I never really felt like I was going to see two lines on that test. I’m hoping that once we start trying again, I might be able to imagine it.

Despite having lived through nine months of pregnancy, its so hard to remember what that was like. I am so excited to do it all again, though I do worry about the possibility of complications as I had last time. Even so, I can’t wait. I remember lying in bed at night with my hands on my belly - I had terrible insomnia so I’d just sit and feel Caden move and wiggle. He was such an active baby - I felt him move early and he never really stopped. Kick counts say six movements per hour, but it never took more than 20 minutes to get to that number. There were a few points early on where he wouldn’t move quite so much, but those were few and far between. I can’t wait to do it all again. I can’t wait to give birth, to nurse our next baby, to experience all those firsts again, and with my first baby at my side experiencing them, too.

I wonder if I’ll be excited when my next cycle begins or if I’ll be obsessive. I hope not to the later. The truth is I already am considering my next cycle to be a bust - Depending on when AF starts after I finish the Provera I’ll have just started at my full dose of Metformin, or I might still be at 2/3. Of course I still have hope, but I have higher ones for my next cycle.

But for now it has just been nice to think about other things. I’ve thought more about Christmas and Caden’s party, I’ve finished a few projects around the house, and I got a few more pages done in Caden’s scrapbook. Of course everything going on still sits in a cozy spot toward the back of my mind, still in view but out of the way... But its been nice to have this break.

Four more pills, four more days of Provera and then hopefully quickly onto the next cycle. Tomorrow I increase my Met.

Passing Time, Thinking Too Much

2008-12-07T10:07:00.001-06:00

As far as the Metformin goes, so far - so good! No super nasty side effects though I did get queasy two evenings. But really I can’t complain, it wasn’t too bad. I hope when I add the 2nd pill on Wednesday things continue on this way.

I haven’t had any side effects from the Provera, either. My CM changed, which I suspect is normal, though now I’m worried that what if I am pregnant? I still highly doubt that, I had no indications of ovulation let alone pregnancy but its still something I find myself wondering about. I know I’m not, but I guess thats just who I am... Needing to worry about something. I did test prior to starting and it was negative... Maybe I’ll use one of my cheapies and test again tomorrow just to put my mind at ease. I really don’t want to waste another one of my good tests but then I really don’t want to risk dealing with a sneaky evap that seem to always show up on the ICs. Really I should just let it rest but I know it would be better to put my mind at ease. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off.

...

Last night we had Steve’s company Christmas party downtown. Despite the 2 hours stuck sitting in traffic to get into the city, it was nice and we had a good time. Of course I wonder if I gave off the impression that I was pregnant after constantly refusing alcohol. Once or twice was fine, but they came around non stop offering wine during dinner (which made sense to the people drinking) until I finally just blurted out “I can’t”. At one point someone looked at me and smiled when I refused for the millionth time, but it was probably all just in my head. I’m not a big drinker anyway, so not drinking to most wouldn’t necessarily set of any red flags... But it seems anytime you see someone not drink the pregnancy question starts to float... Or at least such has been my experience in the past.

Either way it was a nice evening and it was fun to get out just the two of us, we really don’t do that as often as we should. And it was nice to head into the city (Chicago) since it has been a while since we’ve gone.

Ready, Set, Go

2008-12-04T10:12:00.001-06:00

Last night as we sat down to dinner I took my first dose of Metformin. I’ve been a little concerned over the possible side effects but so far so good. I do feel a little different (to describe it shortly) but I don’t feel terrible, I don’t feel sick, and I’m not spending additional time in the bathroom. Of course its only been one pill, at a third of my dose, and only 15 hrs ago, so everything is subject to change but so far, not bad (knock on wood, of course ;)).

I also decided to go ahead and begin Provera today. I mulled it over and if I thought there was the slightest possible chance that I might have ovulated at some point this cycle I would have waited... But I didn’t. To air on the side of caution after I woke up this morning and headed into the bathroom, I dug around in my cabinet for my stash of pregnancy tests, tore open the package, and did what needed to be done. I even used one of my good tests (FRER) instead a cheapy or +/-. This time, however, wasn’t because I was hoping to detect a pregnancy at the earliest possible point, but instead because I had absolutely no desire to deal with any sort of a possible evap. One pink line, stark white background, no hint of another just as I suspected. So I collected the appropriate prescription bottles (Provera and my prenatal, Met will be with dinner), gathered the pills, opened my mouth, and swallowed them down.

I’m excited to move on, to end this cycle and start fresh. I didn’t see the point of continuing on an anovulatory cycle when I know I really did not ovulate.

I’m looking forward to giving my self a break from charting and opks and everything else while on Provera. None of it matters at this point, temps wouldn’t be accurate, and the break is welcome. To be honest I stopped with the opks and have only been temping every other day or so since my ultrasound last week. I’ve been so frustrated with negative after negative opk and of erratic temps and stupid charts. Its been nice not to think about everything... I don’t find myself obsessing and constantly looking at my chart or hunting for any sign I may ovulate. I was getting so frustrated and now I’m not. I’ll start charting again once I’m off Provera. Until then I’ll enjoy my uninterrupted sleep in the mornings.

Moving Forward

2008-12-03T14:27:00.000-06:00

My doctor’s appointment was, for the most part, uneventful... And that’s a good thing. We went over the rest of my labs and discussed the ultrasound... Basically we just went over everything I already knew.

The main goal of this appointment was to establish where to go next and to start on that path. I was given a prescription for Provera. Its up to me when to begin - I really don’t think I’ve ovulated so I doubt I’m pregnant. I’ll test to be sure but my chart, CM, CP, etc all point to having not ovulated. I’ll be on Provera for 10 days and I’d like to just get this cycle over with, so I’m tempted to just start tomorrow but I may wait until Sunday after Steve’s company Christmas party.

Beyond that I’ll be starting Metformin tonight. My dosage is set at 1500mg but I will work up to that over the course of the next 3 weeks, adding one pill each week. My doctor expects that we’ll see changes within the next two months and have scheduled my next appointment accordingly - February 4, 2009. If at that point my cycles haven’t regulated and I’m not ovulating then we’ll begin Clomid. In the mean time, I have a refill on my Provera prescription so that if my next cycle starts to hit the 40 day range I can end that. If/when I do ovulate prior to February 4th I need to go in at 7dpo to have my progesterone levels checked.

I left my doctor’s office feeling good... Better than I have in a while. The gears are in motion and we have a plan to move forward. I suppose it helps that my doctor looked at me, smiled, and said “I feel good about this”, too. And I think she’s right. If not, in 2 months we’ll reevaluate and begin Clomid.

After my appointment I headed to the pharmacy to fill my prescriptions. My insurance actually proved good for something in all of this and covered the Metformin 100%, so surprisingly that was free and the Provera was only $4.
While I waited for my prescription to be filled I browsed the aisles and found myself humming Christmas tunes... At one point embarrassingly loud but that’s okay - I felt great. I finally feel like we have hope, that we might actually be able to conceive our next child soon. That we actually have a chance at this.

I got into the car and about half way home I turned into the over emotional person that I tend to be and my eyes welled up with tears for a few seconds. Only this time it wasn’t because I was upset, hurt, or devastated... It was because I realized that I had a smile on my face for the first time in far too long, and it wasn’t going away. I know this will change from day to day, and I know I can’t expect the Metformin to work wonders right away and it very well might take months... But I honestly feel that I will be pregnant again soon, that we’re going to have another child. I’m excited, and most of all...I have hope.

Where We Stand

2008-12-02T21:23:00.000-06:00

When I first realized I was most likely going to need fertility meds to get pregnant again, I didn’t want anyone to know. I’m not sure why but I just didn’t. I told my Mom, of course, but beyond that it was no one’s business... And it still isn’t. I guess that maybe at least some of that stems from not many people knowing we were TTC, either. I told a few close friends, My mom, etc... But beyond that I thought I’d be announcing my pregnancy within a few months so it didn’t matter.

After being diagnosed with PCOS, things became a little more complicated - I’ve debated who to say anything to, and who to leave in the dark. The truth is I am a little ashamed.. Not so much of PCOS but of my body, for screwing up yet again. This is no longer just a pregnancy thing, an issue that will disappear when I announce that I am pregnant. This is something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I still have no desire to make this all public knowledge at this point, hence I started a new blog. Our old blog links through our website which extended family, coworkers, etc have access to and have checked in on. While I do have intentions to combine the two blogs, I’m not sure when and I don’t expect it to be any time soon.

The truth is originally I just assumed I’d just need a few pills to kick my ovaries into action and things would be set, I’d get pregnant quickly, and that would be the end of it. I didn’t see the need to let anyone in on the pill part since it was only temporary. Now I need to come to terms with the fact that this likely is going to take some time. My doctor said within a year, and it could be sooner - I am hoping it will be very soon, but I’m trying to accept that later is more likely. We’re only starting with Metformin and it will take time to build up to my dose, to work... And if not we’ll need to add clomid and again, take the time to let that work.

At this point our immediate family knows whats going on, and that is as far as I intend the information to spread for now. I am lucky that I have an extremely close relationship with my mother, my father, and my brothers. I’m not as close with my inlaws, but that is something we’re working on and I’m glad they know, too. It helps to have all of their support, an extra ear, another perspective. And with the holidays fast approaching it helps that the people we’ll spend the most time with know what’s going on. I’m concerned about possible side effects on Metformin and at least I’ll be able to explain why I’m passing on that glass of wine at dinner instead of inspiring pregnancy rumors to spread.

I’m not sure when I’ll be comfortable letting others in on this... But they really don’t need to know anyway. I’m not a particularly private person, but for now I’m comfortable at where this stands.

...

Late tomorrow morning I have another doctor’s appointment. I expect to go over everything that we already know in more detail, ask my questions, and get prescriptions sorted out. I’m hoping that I don’t learn anything new, unless its good of course. I’m eager to get the ball rolling.

Denied

2008-11-26T21:22:00.000-06:00

Despite living in a state where infertility insurance coverage is mandated... We conveniently fit into a nice little loop hole where that is not the case. Yep - we have no insurance coverage for infertility of any kind due to my husband’s company being headquartered outside the state of Illinois. And we’re covered by a major insurance company so as far as I’m concerned this is all a load of bullshit.

Actually, as far as I’m concerned infertility not being covered at all, anywhere, is a load of bullshit. Over the past few days dealing with this I’ve fumed and fussed over all the things insurance will cover and I could go into a rant now, and perhaps I will later, but as of now I just don’t have it in me.

While I understand inducing ovulation is not covered... I don‘t understand why not. Not ovulating is a symptom of PCOS and why shouldn’t that symptom be treated as all others are? IUI, IVF, okay. But if I was healthy and not suffering from PCOS I would be ovulating... And I just want my body to do as it should. I know its beating a dead horse but it annoys me none the less. The entire health care system is so flawed, its all crap.

The kicker to all of this is that up until very recently - as in within the last month to few months - we DID have coverage. However, something changed in the mandate and now we don’t. HR is looking into it to find out exactly what changed (though I have my suspicions as stated above) but at this point I don’t see a point. Knowing why I don’t have coverage isn’t going to help me. There is an extremely small chance that we are still mandated to have coverage and for some reason its been over looked, but even HR said its doubtful.

I was aware of this when I went in for my ultrasound so I made sure to make mention that this needs to be coded for exactly what it is, PCOS diagnosis, and not infertility. However, my appointment on the 18th WAS coded as infertility (in addition to anovulation and irregular cycles) so when I looked it up online today, the $110 claim for that appointment had been denied. I immediately called my doctors office and they are going to recode and resubmit since I technically did go in for irregular cycles... And from now on I’ll be going in for treatment of polycystic ovaries... Infertility after all is just a symptom.

Right now we should be okay - since I’m being treated for PCOS my OB appointments should be covered. Metformin should be covered as well and if its not at least its cheap and on Wal-Mart’s $4 prescription list. If/when the time comes to be put on Clomid I’m not even going to attempt to push it though on our prescription plan... Since as far as the insurance company is concerned we’re not trying to have a baby, just trying to ovulate. Clomid is also on the $4 list (though it costs $9) so that won’t be an issue to cover out of pocket.

This will all become an issue if the drugs don’t work and we need to move on to injectables and/or IUI/IVF etc. But lets just hope that doesn’t happen. Its not going to happen... The drugs should work. I hope they work... They have to work. They will work, and if they don’t, we’ll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

I suppose this is just another hurdle to jump. As DH said, we’ll work though it and hope that this never becomes a major issue. It just sucks to have to deal with at all.

Another Point of View

2008-11-25T13:09:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up bright and early to make sure I had plenty of time to shower and get dressed before C woke up as I had my ultrasound at 9:30am. I realize now that I really was holding onto hope that those lab results were just errors... That I was soon to find out nothing was wrong with me.

My name was called and I met up with the sonographer.. She introduced herself to me to which I responded “Do you remember me?” “Of course” she replied “but sometimes people don’t remember me so I didn’t want to put you on the spot”.

It was almost two years ago, but after all the time we spent together it would be hard to forget Linda. She performed all of my ultrasounds (outside if the high risk ones) when I was pregnant with C - and in the last months I required weekly AFIs so there were lots of them. I love her - she is great and so sweet. Quite often my ultrasound was the last of the day so we’d spend a little extra time after the fluid measurements were done and just spy in on my little guy, watch him yawn and move around, and I always left with lots of pictures.

I thought going into that room would be difficult, seeing how these were the exact opposite circumstances that first found me there. But it wasn’t. I thought the ultrasound would be much more uncomfortable, but it wasn’t either. Definitely not on my list of favorite things to do on a Tuesday morning, but not as bad as I imagined it might be.

I was starting to regret setting up the appointment for then, since my doctor wasn’t in this week and I’d have to wait until next Wednesday for the results. Legally Linda couldn’t tell me anything... But I already knew I had PCOS. She showed me my right ovary... And she showed me the line of cysts on it. She said she didn’t count all of them but there were five that she took measurements on. My left ovary decided to be more difficult, but three cysts were measured.
It was when I first saw those black circles on the screen was when I realized that despite knowing that they were most likely there, I was still so hopeful that they weren’t. Even if they were not there the diagnosis would still stand due to my labs... But I guess I was secretly hoping that the labs were flawed, errors made by someone. Seeing them on that screen hurt more than I thought it would.

It was after the ultrasound was over and I sat up that I lost my composure a little bit. I saw the string of ultrasound photos hanging from the printer and my mind flashed back to when those images depicted little toes and a baby’s profile. I cried a little. I had always imagined being back in that room because I was having a baby... Not because I couldn’t.

I’m glad that it was Linda - we talked about holiday plans and family and I think that’s what kept me from being over emotional most of the time. She asked when my next appointment was and she isn’t in that day but I’m sure we’ll see her again.

I just hope the next time the image on that screen is a tiny beating heart.

Accepting a New Reality

2008-11-23T22:12:00.000-06:00

I anticipated the phone call for days.. I had hope, a plan, and the labs would just solidify that plan. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, pregnant soon! When the labs weren’t in by 1pm Friday I was down - now I’d have to wait and wonder all weekend. And then, 2 hours later, the phone rang and door slammed shut on previous notions and ideas. I am now forced to chisel a new path out of this mountain that lay before me. I am now forced to accept the reality of PCOS and hopefully overcome the infertility that has come with it.

To be honest, somehow I always knew that I would face this. Despite having fairly regular cycles the majority of my life... In the dark corners of my mind I always expected to have difficulty conceiving. Well before I was planning to have children I lurked infertility blogs and looked up information on tests and procedures. I paid attention and hoped it wasn’t in store for me, though I felt it was.

So on May 26, 2006 as I stood over my bathroom counter, still nursing my sun burnt shoulders from my honeymoon just weeks before, I was shocked in so many ways as to what appeared before me. A stark white background with two blazing pink lines on an almost expired pregnancy test. I glanced at the test, the instructions, the test, and back to the instructions. I threw on my cloths and brushed my hair and hurried out to the store to buy a fresh test... And 2 cans of cat food.

The original test was correct and the six tests that followed confirmed. Despite intercourse timed to what should have been an infertile period in my cycle... We conceived our honeymoon baby. Nine months later, after a pregnancy complicated by preeclampsia complete with 4 months of bed rest, we welcomed our beautiful little boy into this world by emergency c-section on January 24, 2007.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I remember telling myself that I guess all those infertile worries and thoughts were wrong... But I never believed it. I remember my neighbor, who was going through IVF at the time, telling me now that I had one it would be oh so easy to have more. I smiled and nodded... But never believed a word of it. And after Caden was born I couldn’t get the words “secondary infertility” out of my mind, but held on to hope that I was just being crazy again. After all, look how easy it was to conceive our son.

My cycles returned at 5 months post partum and were fairly normal. Now that I think back on it I do think they were a week late at times, but I believe I was ovulating and nothing raised any flags. That all changed after I needed an emergency appendectomy in February of 2008. Since then AF has taken many long vacations only to pop in for an hour or so at a time here and there, just a little spotting, then jetting off yet again. In the past 9 months I’ve had 2 normal cycles. I won’t even get into the mess of what I was told regarding my fertility just moments before surgery.

I went to my doctor in June 2008 and we both assumed it was just taking my body a little longer to regulate after the stress of surgery. My thyroid checked fine, testosterone came back inconclusive. I cycled normally after that so I never went back to be rechecked.
August 2008 came and AF went on hiatus once more. I knew something was wrong and had started to worry that we had just missed the last egg I’d ever get. And with that DH and I bumped TTC #2 up to then. At first it was exciting... I still thought my cycles would regulate. But they didn’t. I started charting and that confirmed I wasn’t actually ovulating.
I headed back to the doctor on November 18, 2008 sure we’d get this figured out. Maybe it would take a little help to jump start my crabby ovaries, but all would be well. We came up with a plan to start provera and clomid in December if I didn’t ovulate on my own by then - in the mean time my doctor wanted to run a few labs for PCOS just to rule it out. Despite the long history of bad lab results I’ve faced over the last several years.... I had hope and believed that these would just rule things out.

I was actually looking forward to looking like an over eager patient who demanded things were wrong when they weren’t. Thats never been the case so it was a welcome change. Every time I go into the doctor thinking something’s wrong, I’ve been right...
“I think I have meningitis”... huh... Indeed I did!
“I think I have preelcampsia”.... Mrs. G - your 24 hr urine collection came back and indeed you are spilling a significant amount of protein...
“I think I have appendicitis.. Though it doesn’t really hurt“..... “well Mrs. G, it does seem that way but you’re not presenting as a typical appendicitis case so we’ll just run this lab.......... Uh.... You need to go to the hospital.......... Now”.
“I think I’m infertile”.... Well Mrs. G... You are!!!

And now we find ourselves conveniently back to the beginning of this entry. Despite the length, I think I’ve summed things up pretty well.

We are still waiting on a few lab results but those that did come in Friday afternoon said it all. My fasting insulin was borderline high, enough to indicate insulin resistance, and my LH:FSH ratio was way off (levels were 19:4). The rest of the labs and tests aren’t necessary for a diagnosis at this point, but will help to paint an overall picture.

Tuesday I am going in for an ultrasound to check my ovaries - my doctor won’t be in to read it but I wanted to get this done and over with. Then on December 3rd I have an appt with my doctor to go over everything in detail and gather up prescriptions. I’ll be starting Provera at that point to bring on AF in a timely fashion and to “give me a clean slate” and we’ll be starting out with Metformin.

With all being said this is a reality that hasn’t been easy to accept, though I feel like I’m doing quite well as of now.... But its only been a few days. I’ve researched and called and clicked and ordered books. Secondary infertility hurts... A lot... But that is never to be mistaken that I am not forever grateful for the gift of my amazing little boy. I’ve always felt so extremely blessed and lucky to have him in my life... And over the past few days I can’t help but look at him and be so thankful that one day on our honeymoon we decided “Lets just see what happens”. We didn’t think it would, but I am forever grateful and truly blessed that it did. Caden is my world - He is everything to me. And not a day has gone by since 5.26.06 that I haven’t been truly thankful for the gift that I have been given in him.

Padded Rooms

2008-09-10T10:21:00.001-05:00

Its been chilly and cool the past few days - it is starting to feel like fall and I love it. The mornings are perfect to bring Caden into bed and snuggle up for a morning cuddle. Shorts and tshirts have become pants and sweaters - slippers and socks are a must in the morning. Its perfect. However, I’m fully aware that as past would dictate we’re in for at least one more hot stretch, but for now I’m enjoying the start of fall.

We’ve been going on a lot of walks lately. Caden and I during the day, and the whole family, beagle included, in the evening after dinner. We get hot chocolate and just walk and talk - Caden loves to ride in his wagon and jabber about everything he sees. Its nice :).

I’m still waiting for Caden to slow down - I assumed as he got older and more stable on his feet the bumps and bruises would start to subside, oh how I was wrong. He might be more stable, but he is also more into climbing everything, running, sliding, chasing, tripping, not looking where he is going. Some days I just don’t know what to do with him though the thought to built him a padded room has crossed my mind. A week and a half ago as we walked out of the house to run some errands he was excited and caught the corner of the pillar under his right eye leaving a lovely bruise. He followed that up the next day falling on his toys and giving himself a true black eye. Those bruises are starting to fade, though still noticeable.... Yesterday I go get him out of his crib in the morning and now his other eye is black. The worst is I don’t have any idea as to where he got that one, never mind the fact that he looks like he was in quite the toddler playground fight :(. I wonder how much a padded room would run.. Or maybe it would be more cost effective just to make him a bubble wrap suit since we’re really running out of options over here.

In other happenings my day today is pretty much shot as I sit and wait for the call to go pick up our car - finally. Two and a half weeks ago Steve was running to the store when he was rear ended at a stop light - Caden was in the car. Thankfully everyone was okay but the car was not. $4,000 worth of damage, a new car seat that has traveled the country (don’t get me started on UPS), and 2.5 weeks later the car should hopefully be ready to be picked up this afternoon with a pretty new back end and a bunch of work done to the front (the car was pushed into a trailer hitch of the car in front). I’m just happy the guy who hit us had decent insurance and took 100% liability (not that there was ever any question). The insurance even paid for the new car seat. We were given a rental car, too, but I’m looking forward to getting our car back and being done with this mess.

Steve and I have also started a new family project. Stemming from previous issues though I really have no idea where we stand on that project, but it doesn’t look good. But progress continues and we’ll see where we end up - hopefully we have at least some sort of an answer soon. I did have a dream last night though, it was nice. For now thats all it was though.
I’m all over the place this morning as this entry would suggest! But thats how I’ve been feeling most of the last week or so. I’ve been feeling exhausted and I can only assume because so many projects are being left unfinished at the end of the day. At least I have our evening walks to clear my mind.

Hopefully once we get our car back and I’m not left wondering each morning if I’m going to have to drop what I’m doing to return the rental and get the car (it was supposed to be done last week) things will feel less hmm ;)

Chasing Beagles

2008-08-15T10:44:00.001-05:00

Its the middle of August, summer is almost done, and I am impressed at just how quickly this summer passed. Just how quickly time has been slipping away from me.
This summer has been busy but fun! We haven’t really done a whole lot of big things, so how these months passed so quickly I’m not sure. We’ve played outside a lot, went to the zoo (finally posted pics), cook outs, parties, swim lessons, Steve got a wii, I got a new laptop, lots of craft stuff going on, made progress in our basement, went to the fair, weathered some storms, walked with the wagon, played at the park, chased beagles, cleaned messes... Its been a low key summer and its been nice!

We have switched Caden into cloth diapers full time now and surprisingly even Steve loves them! The added work is really minimal and its so nice not to have to worry about buying diapers. And of course the environmental aspect is great. Caden’s brightly colored, adorable cloth covered bum is a nice perk, too :) Plus, we can use them on the next baby.

So what about the next baby some have asked... Soon enough! But not too soon of course. We’ve been talking about it and have ideas in place. If I wrote this entry 2 days ago it would have been filled with gushing and excitement regarding our next child - but yesterday Caden was having an “off” day - complete with a temper tantrum that lead to a frazzled Mommy stealing half a tank of gas, so I’m okay with waiting a little bit longer ( but not too long ;)).

As for the gas, after I realized I didn’t pay for it I headed back over and took care of the bill and felt like a super huge ass. The clerk didn’t report my crime spree at that point as he suspected it to be an honest mistake and that I’d be back... I did insert my card into the machine, I just lifted the nozzle and started pumping before confirming on the screen or something - And I managed to do this at probably the last pump on earth that doesn’t require you to prepay. I’ll be honest, I hate pumping gas so Steve usually takes care of it - I think we’ll stick to that set up now!

In summary everyone in our land of 3 is doing wonderful. Caden, despite his off day, is adorable as always and keeps us on our toes. Ellie has grown so much and will be a year old next month, the cats are great as well and finally getting used to life in a house with a crazy little person running around and a beagle on the prowl, and Caden adores his beagle and elusive kitty cats. Progress has been made on the house, we've been having fun, and life has been simple for the first time in so long.. I'm loving it.

I keep meaning to blog more and hope to have the time to do so soon. But I’ve been pretty terrible at posting this summer so yeah. The shorter days of fall and winter that are fast approaching lead to more time inside and thus more time to kill, right? I guess we’ll see!

Everywhere you go

2008-07-29T10:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Caden,
You’re 18 months old now and boy have we been busy! So much that I haven’t had time to write you (or anything really!) in quite some time. But 18 months warrants some time set aside from our day to write to you and as always, I’m wondering where the time has gone.
We’ve been so busy this summer – Daddy and I took you to the zoo for the first time back in May and you had a blast. Your favorite animal to see was the otter. It was a really wonderful day. We also had Swim lessons! You love the water so we knew you’d love the big pool and you did. We’d splash and sing and play… you loved to play humpty dumpty and practice kicking your feet. You love to run and jump and play, and you love to toss things in the pond in the backyard. You love your swing and ball pit, and you love your wagons. You love to play with your puppy, and you love your Mommy and Daddy. I love it when you run up to me and wrap your arms around my legs. I love you so very much.

Yesterday you had your 18month doctor checkup. You weigh 30.4lbs and are over 34 inches tall!! You’re going to be tall just like your Daddy. Everything went normal at first and I fully expected a routine appointment. Unfortunately, this appointment wasn’t. The doctor noticed a difference in skin fold on your left leg, and your knee looked lower than the other but it was hard to tell because you were squirming. Because of the 2 symptoms, the doctor wanted xrays done to test you for something called DDH (Developmental Dysplasia of the Hip). In infants this problem can usually be corrected with a brace, but by 18months, DDH requires extensive hip surgery, months of recovery, a scary cast… a terrible ordeal for any child to go through. You are such a vibrant little boy, you love to run and jump and climb and you are always on the go. I just couldn’t imagine this. I was devastated and I freaked out. Waiting for those xrays and waiting for the call after they were read had to be the longest 3 hours of my life.

While 2 symptoms is alarming… the family of ours who read this blog (and are old enough to remember) know what really sent my terror over the edge. I was born with DDH (though not called that at the time). I had to wear the braces as a baby but it was caught early and that’s all I had to do. So the 2 symptoms and the history really had me scared.

Finally I got the call - Your x-rays were normal, you do not have DDH. You are perfectly fine and healthy and I am so relieved and so very thankful.

You amaze me every day. You amaze me with the things you do and you amaze me with the love you’ve brought into my life. I never in my life imagined how I could love anything the way I love you, and amazingly that love doubles every morning I wake up and see your smiling face. Just when I think I couldn’t possibly love any more, that my heart couldn’t be more full, I wake up and I do. I love the funny things to do, I love to watch you play. I love you, my little boy. Even when you’re getting into everything, or climbing the book cases, or throwing my laptop to the floor. I love you every second of every day, and I am so thankful that you’re in my life - here, happy, healthy.

As always I so look forward to what the next months will bring. Play dates and parties, pumpkin patches and Santa, trick or treats and turkey dinners, bed time books and lots of giggles. Oh how I love those little giggles and how I love those big belly laughs – they are truly intoxicating. Your smile still brightens a room, your laugh never fails to warm my heart. And everywhere you go you still bring smiles to the faces of everyone you meet. People still stop to meet you , to take in your smiles. And as always, I am so proud and so very thankful that you are my little boy.

I love you always,
Mommy

Time flies when you're having fun

2008-04-30T11:18:00.001-05:00

Most days it feels like we've been together so much longer than five years. Five years isn't long in the grand scheme of things, but it makes sense though when those five years are out of only 25, and encompass the majority of your adult life thus far. So it caught me off guard when I woke up yesterday and two years had officially passed since our wedding day - April 29, 2006 was two years gone in memory.

I can still remember every detail so well; I can remember everything as if today were April 30, 2006. The piece of pie Charlie insisted I try in the late hours of the night of April 28th, waking up and getting in the shower, the drive to the hair salon, waiting on the staircase of Baker Memorial as the processional music started to play, seeing my soon to be husband for the first time. I can remember the smell of the breeze ways of our honeymoon resort, the sound of the ocean and the palm trees, the pure and utter bliss of the following weeks, the floating on clouds feeling.. well, before morning sickness set in ;).
It feels like ages ago that Steve was my fiancé, yet it feels like yesterday he became my husband. Even now I still sometimes crack a smile when I hear husband, wife, Mrs.

I was caught off guard yesterday when I noticed a slight anxiety in the air. How could two years have already passed in mere moments? Just last week I finally arranged several of our wedding keepsakes in shadowboxes, just last month I finally found a place for a trinket we bought on our honeymoon, just the other day I finally placed a photo in one of the frames we bought in Playa Del Carmen. I haven't even started our scrapbooks, how can 2 years have come and gone?

We've now been married longer than we were engaged - and the past two years have been quite the amazing whirlwind. Really, the past five years. We've come so far and accomplished so much, but it is all still going by so quickly. My baby is already 15 months, a toddler. The past two years have been wonderful, and they always say time flies when you're having fun.

Its crazy to look back at the past several years of my life. 2002 I moved into my own apartment at College, 2003 I met Steve, fell in love, and we moved in together. 2004 brought our engagement, 2005 the purchase of our first home and the bulk of planning our wedding. In 2006 we were married and became pregnant with our first child, 2007 brought the birth of our little boy. I love being here in 2008, with nothing huge and monumental going on, enjoying life, being our little family of three. I am so excited to see what 2008, 2009 brings... 2010, 2011, 2012.. 2030...

We had a nice anniversary. Steve brought me a dozen red roses and white hydrangea... On the morning of our wedding he sent me a dozen red and white roses so red and white only seemed fitting. We had a quiet evening, we "celebrated" over the weekend though most wouldn't consider what we did celebrating - it was perfect. The traditional second wedding anniversary gift is cotton so we bought one big gift for each other - new bedding! It is beautiful, soft, perfect. This of course led to a complete remodel of or bedroom and thats what we worked on this weekend. Our bedroom prior was less than inviting and not very welcoming. The walls are now a pale blue, cream bedding, very spa/beach feeling - Our honeymoon was amazingly perfect and I took inspiration for the room from that. We hung shelves to place some wedding keepsakes on, carefully placed in shadow boxes. Dried flowers, our invitation... I love our bedroom and it is perfect! I couldn't imagine a better anniversary gift. Before I had no desire to be in that room, now I want to spend all our time in there. It was a chance to do something for just us, something we haven’t done in a long time.

I don't know what tomorrow brings. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I am so grateful for all I have, for all I've been given. For my husband, my son, my family. My past, my memories, the last 25+ years. For tomorrow, for next week… even though its not promised.
So here’s to two beautiful years, and the anticipation of so many more.

Screams and Spring

2008-03-20T10:22:00.001-06:00

About an hour after Caden went to bed last night the house was calm - Steve decided to put the last of the latches on a few of the cabinets we missed - nothing dangerous in them, just annoying when Caden constantly wants to pull out all the cat food and stack the cans.
I took the time to relax on the couch for a bit and play catch up with the DVR when all of the sudden a blood curdling scream broke the silence. It sounded as if something terrible was happening and all I could think to do is scream to Steve "Something's wrong!" and take off to Caden - I don't think I've ever moved quite so fast.
Steve and I bust into Caden's room and he was still screaming, but he was fine. He wasn't caught on anything, he wasn't stuck, just screaming. I pulled him out of his crib and he placed his head on my shoulder and started to calm down. He sobbed a few times and was fine. He never even opened his eyes so I don't know if he was even awake.
I brought him to the living room and cuddled him as he slept on me for a few hours. I watched him breath, move, etc... just to make sure all was okay. We took his temp, everything normal. I can only assume my poor little boy had a terrible nightmare... one that sure scared the hell out of me. He is doing fine today though he did wake with quite the case of morning bed head, hehe. I just wish I knew what scared him so much, but I am glad I was able to make everything okay for him.

Beyond the evening screams, things are rather pleasant around our home. Today we welcome spring while under a winter storm warning, but that isn't all too surprising. I'm quite ready to be done with the snow and cold, though. Signs of spring are all around - the tree in the back yard has started to bud, I believe I saw some of our lilies break the dirt, and the lilac bush Steve gave me for Mother's Day last year has started to bud as well. I'm looking forward to being able to move out doors and work on our spring time projects. Luckily with the addition of the new front porch/patio last summer, there isn't much to do out front except plant some annuals, mulch, etc. The back yard will be our focus this year. We really want to replace the back deck, but I think we'll be keeping most of the big projects on hold for this season - we did a lot last year.

Caden is doing so well - its amazing how much change each day brings. Every morning he wakes up with more hair, new words, new games to play. He loves his legos and he loves playing with Ellie now. He likes to show off for company and run and play. We took him to the Easter egg hunt on Saturday at the park district and he had a blast. He collected eggs, made friends with the little ladies, and just had so much fun running around. Yesterday after running errands we just hung out outside for a little bit.

I'm doing great - my surgery is far from daily life and I feel completely back to normal. I still get a twinge of pain in my belly button every so often, but its really nothing. I have so much to do and so much I want to get done these next few months - spring cleaning, gardening, scrapbooking, organization. I need to start a list - everyone loves a list.

And if it matters, I fixed commenting ;)

Random Babble

2008-03-11T08:56:00.001-06:00

We're several days into March and I have yet to write an entry. So, that is what I've set out to do today! I really do wish to post here more... At random points throughout the day I have a million thoughts going though my head but unfortunately lack the time to actually sit down and get them out. When the time finally is available, the thoughts are usually long gone and all that remains is an entry about entries or miscellaneous babble.

Caden is finally home with me again during the day - he has been since Friday. Luckily we've been able to pretty much bounce right back into our normal routine. Day light savings messed us up a bit but Caden seems to have adjusted already. Myself on the other hand... I've been up way too late and am pretty sleepy when morning comes. I think tonight I will make it a point to get to bed at a reasonable hour.
It was pretty crazy yesterday to still be so bright out after 6pm - it made the evening hours fly by. I remember setting the clocks back - it seems so long ago. I remember that messed up Caden's afternoon nap. He would cry and be upset when he woke up - I assumed because all of the sudden it was completely dark even though it was light when he went down. Yesterday he was in a bright a cheery mood when he woke up and the sun was still shining.
I was beginning to think Caden was ready to give up a nap when I had my surgery - even though he was exhausted and cranky in the evening if he didn't take two. But he has been napping beautifully since he has been home - 2 naps a day, 1-2 hrs each.

I'm doing well though my belly button still is pretty tender. Well, about an inch to the right of my belly button to be exact. I think this is just something I'm going to have to get used to and it will go away in time. I don't think that picking Caden up is making it worse nor do I think not picking him up will make it any better, so I have no intention to stop. I want to get back into working out again - Tomorrow marks 4 weeks since my surgery. I've decided with the tender belly button to give it until Monday (though I will continue to walk) and to take it slow. The surgeon told me no abdominal exercises until at least 6 weeks so I will hold off on those.

I've lost 3lbs since my surgery - 15lbs in total. This doesn't seem like a lot, but by all logic I should have been gaining weight. That first week home I slipped up and we ate out, and a few times since. I haven't been eating as well at home, and up until Friday my normal everyday activity was way low and working out, other than a walk around the block, was nonexistent. Ever since I had Caden I've always looked a little bit pregnant. More than just fat and pot bellied... I looked permanently bloated.
I was going to wait until next week to step on the scale, but my body just looked and felt different. Still fat, I still have a way to go... but the bloat was gone. I didn't look pregnant in my eyes. My clothes are fitting better. I'm not complaining, I just don't understand it. Since having Caden no matter how much I tried, what I ate, how much I worked out, I wasn't able to drop below a certain number. Today I am finally 2lbs under that number and without trying, without exercising, with eating like crap. It's let me to wonder if maybe my appendix or the infection has played a role in not being able to lose this weight all along. Maybe not directly... but maybe my body dealing with that infection on and off this whole time, my body wasn't able to fully reset itself after pregnancy. I'm excited to get back on track with eating (doing much better here ;) ) and exercising and see what kind of results I am left with now. I thought for sure I would start out after recovering having gained weight - I'm thrilled that I've actually lost.
We’ve started getting in our EOBs.. not too terrible but we have yet to see the big one from the hospital – and that bill before insurance was over $26,000.00. But I’ve got the EOBs for my regular doctors, some lab work, anesthesiologist, radiologist, surgeon… I think its safe to assume I’ll be hitting my out of pocket max for the third year in a row. I still need to go in and have some post-pregnancy issues checked out (long story) and blood tests run, another 24 hour urine collection, etc… so I guess those will be on the house! ;)

Saturday is the big community Easter Egg hunt – we’re so excited to take Caden! I just hope the weather holds out. We’ll be hosting Easter dinner at our house again this year – it will just be a small gathering of my brothers, their families, and my Dad. We invited another side but beyond just decline, the invitation was straight out ignored. Instead we were told of their plans and of course we’re expected to conform to them. We did this for Christmas and it was miserable… we tried to make everyone happy this year but I’m done. I won’t be guilted into giving up my traditions and enjoying the holidays with my husband and my son just to make other people happy – people who think everything is always all about them. No matter how hard we try, it just doesn’t happen. I’ve realized that now and have given up even trying.
So we’ll be celebrating with people who actually wish to be with us and celebrate the holiday together. Saturday Steve and I have a lot to do to prep, cleaning, cooking, and of course we’ll be dying our eggs like we’ve done every year the night before Easter… and like I’ve done every year since I’ve been a little girl. We are going to let Caden try his hand at a few eggs, too. It will most definitely involve the bathtub or a lot of garbage bags… but I think it will be fun :). I’ve started on my little Easter basket favors and just need to work on planning the meal and the miscellaneous details.
My mom was excited to host a big Easter Egg hunt Easter morning, but with her husband’s hospitalization and now recovery we’ll have to wait for next year. Completely understandable! And with a March Easter this year, probably for the best in that respect. I know she was really looking forward to it though. The kids will be older and have even more fun with it next year, too :).

Well, the random babble has continued on long enough for one morning. Caden is fast asleep in his crib and I have some things to pack away in the basement…

Tearless Onions

2008-02-29T09:02:00.001-06:00

This morning I was standing in my kitchen cutting vegetables in preparation for tonight’s dinner (hey, I like to plan ahead). I came to the onion and as I peeled away the layers - I couldn't help but think how people and so many of life's situations are just like the layers of that onion. Haha, okay, I'm just shitting you. I was really thinking how much I hate those little buggars for burning my eyes and how much I'd love to get my hands on one of those new tearless onions I saw on the news a few weeks ago. Its a shame I don't think they are available yet - I would pay extra for one of those. My poor eyes still burn.

Speaking of onions - Last summer Steve and I stopped at a little farm side stand on the way home from a day of shopping and they had the most amazing, juicy onions (Not to mention the sweet corn and tomatoes). Sigh... We got more snow last night and I am truly ready for spring. Super hot summer, not so much, but spring would be nice. And I guess summer, too - I'm can't wait to go to the yummy farm stands and farmers market. I also plan to try my hand at growing my own vegetables but I'm not very optimistic.
The community Easter egg hunt is on the 10th - I hate that Easter is in March this year. I've been excited about this Easter Egg hunt since last year - I think Caden would have SO much fun with it. But, I don't see how well its going to work out with it being held on March 10th - if there isn't snow on the ground then its going to be a muddy mess. Maybe it will be held inside.

Caden has learned a new trick! Yesterday he spent the day at Grandma L's since I still cannot pick him up. Grandma wasn't doing a very good job watching him (heh... you know I'm kidding, Mom! ;) ) and managed to lose my dear boy. When she called out for him she heard a giggle from above and there was Caden... he had scaled a flight a stairs and was standing at the 2nd floor landing looking into the living room below. My Mom is so good with him and I've learned so much from her. In a few hours instead of just teaching him he wasn't supposed to climb the stairs, she also taught him how to safely climb back down.
I've suspected Caden has been able to climb stairs for a while, but since he doesn't have access to stairs in our house, we never quite knew for sure. Last weekend Steve and I did manage to find him on the couch bouncing happily as he looked out the bay window. He is a brave little man - but as Grandma says, he really has no fear which isn't necessarily a good thing.
I'm so excited to have my little guy home hopefully mid/end of next week. We still need to get his 1 year photos taken so I'll have to see if Grandma wants to help me with that.

Otherwise, not much going on. I'm able to drive again (as long as I don't take any pain killers) and I got to pick up Caden last night (Papa Chuck put Caden in his car seat and Grandma C got him out). It was nice to get to pick him up and watch him play. Caden loves his toys and he even enjoys picking them up afterwards, hehe. I have a cute video of him carefully placing his blocks back in his bucket I'll post later. He is doing so well - especially with his motor skills. He has several new words now - among them are doggy and kitty. He is such a silly, fun little guy. I love him so much! This morning before Daddy took him to Grandma C's for the day Steve brought him into bed with me so I could say goodbye and we just laid and cuddled and talked to each other. I miss him. I did try to pick him up yesterday and it hurt a bit so I know I need to give it a little more time. I sit and hold him on the floor - but its just not the same.

Last night MIL/Grandma C was here helping me with Caden since Steve had to work late. We took a quick trip to The Scrap Shack - an adorable little scrapbooking/cardmaking store. Even though its only a few minutes from my house I have never been and now I realize that was probably a good thing! They have SO many adorable papers I've never seen before - they even had dinosaur papers so I had to stock up on a few. I also got papers to scrap Caden's photos with Santa that are still on our fridge so I think I'll work on that this weekend. The pricing is a little more expensive than some of the mainstream stores - but they had a really nice selection and a lot of things I haven't seen elsewhere.

Well this entry is already all over the place and probably sounds terrible since I have no desire to proof read, so I guess I’ll wrap it up. I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!! I get to spend all of mine with my pook and my husband, so I know it will be great :)

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

2008-02-28T10:02:00.001-06:00

Yesterday morning I had my post-op follow up. As expected, the surgeon was short and to the point and still lacking any personal charm - but she saved something very important to me so whatever floats her unfriendly boat is fine by me! I'm healing nicely, a biopsy was done on my appendix and came back clean (other than a pretty serious infection), and I'm doing well on the road to recovery. I was told to give it at the very least one more week before I start picking up Caden again and at that point only pick him up if I have to and if it hurts, obviously stop. I can start walking for exercise but ease into it, no abdominal exercises for several weeks and I still need to rest and take it easy.

I've felt like a bit of a sissy because I'm still in pain on and off - I don't remember being in this kind of pain 2 weeks after my c-section. The nurses in the hospital said that while the incisions are smaller, the surgery was still major and more involved than a c-section. Yesterday I was told that my appendix was in pretty bad shape and it is completely normal (and very non-sissy like) to still be in pain.

I found out that my appendix was "hot" - meaning it would have ruptured within 24 hours. I asked why I wasn't in pain as I would have expected with an appendix in that bad of shape. As it turns out, my appendix was located very low in my pelvis giving it some protection. The surgeon said it isn't all that uncommon in women to have their appendix located that low. And then she delivered the blow, the bit of information I've had in the back of my head the last 24 hours.

Had my appendix ruptured... Had I waited another day to be seen by a doctor... Not only could I have died, but most likely I would have lost the ability to ever have another child due to where my appendix was sitting in my body.

24 hours. Max. Thats how close I was to never carrying another child. To never even having the option.

In her pre-surgery rush, the surgeon said something about the amount of inflammation even affecting my fertility. Which is why I was so pissed that the surgeon never elaborated on that post-op until yesterday. For 2 weeks I've been sitting here worried that my fertility was affected - it terrified me, which is why I haven't wrote about it and why I haven't said anything. I had nothing to say until I knew.
The good news is that this should not affect my fertility. My appendix was removed, it didn't rupture, and the inflammation didn't affect my reproductive organs. The surgeon said I should have no problem having another child (granted there is nothing unrelated going on).

I can't help but think about the hours before my surgery - the hour before the CT to be exact. In order to avoid the barium enema, I opted to walk around the hospital with my lovely cocktail. Steve and I spent that hour talking about when to try for our next child, weighing the pros and cons of each month and deciding on a tentative date to start trying to conceive. We walked and talked unaware of the ticking time bomb in my pelvis that almost took away any chance to ever conceive another child.
Before I got pregnant with Caden I worried that I wouldn't be able to have a child, but I think that is a common fear. After I took that pregnancy test a wave of relief passed over me. I always assumed I'd not worry about it again, but after I had Caden that familiar fear of "what if I can't have another" came. While that thought is there, it is just a thought. And until all of this, I never truly realized just how much I, and so many others, take our fertility for granted.

I am just so grateful that in my case, this is all just a scenario. Luckily its only a "what if I didn't see a doctor as I decided not to do so many times before". I debated for hours on going to the doctor this time - but I did go, and I am only left with what if. And I am so thankful for that.

Since my surgery Steve and I have visited the thought of trying for our second briefly, some days I think lets stick with the original plan, in others I think lets wait longer (we're not trying now or in the immediate future). The new round of hospital bills obviously factor into things, but more so its the thought of health. I'm terrified of another complicated pregnancy, of another 4 months of bed rest. I've had a hard enough time being away from Caden during the day for the past 2 weeks. Then there is the issue of just being healthy - for the first time in seven years I don't have to worry about those stomach aches, I don't have to worry about another flare up. And I really just get to be healthy. And I wouldn't mind enjoying that for a while.
But then there is the news yesterday, and learning that our decisions of future children were almost decided for us. And the reminder that nothing is promised, not even tomorrow... no matter how much we plan or discuss, anything can happen.

What I know, and Steve knows, and we've known all along - is that when the time is right we'll know. A decision doesn't have to be made today, we don't have to stick with what we decided yesterday, and tomorrow anything can happen.

In a previous entry I mentioned one of my 2008 resolutions. Another one was to stop planning and start living in today, each day and every day. I know that isn't entirely possible, not to plan at all, but we can all stand to live a little more for today. After all - yesterday is gone, tomorrow isn't promised, and all we really have is now.

Puppy Love

2008-02-26T12:57:00.001-06:00

Yesterday our sweet little Beagle was spayed. In hindsight, we probably should have rescheduled her surgery after I had to have mine. I've spayed three cats (not literally of course), but as it turns out a puppy is a completely different ball game.

Ellie is definitely a beagle when it comes to separation anxiety - she has to be with her mommy at all times. She follows me around, cuddles up with me, and whines if I so much as walk out the door to get the mail. I thought this might work to our advantage since we could both slug it on the couch and recover together. I was wrong! Ellie can't jump up or down off the couch so every time I sit down I have to lift her to the couch and every time I get up or she wants a drink of water I have to lift her down. She was licking her stitches and I really don't want to risk her incision getting infected so I put the little doggie lamp shade around her collar. That thing annoys me more than it does her. Ellie insists on snuggling right up to me so I'm constantly being assaulted with that stupid plastic cone – it is currently digging into my neck as Ellie insisted on resting her head on my shoulder.

She doesn't fit too well in her crate with the cone on so we were going to just put the baby gate up and let her stay in the kitchen. We knew this was going to result in a night filled with barking and I felt bad for her so I decided I'd sleep on the couch with her last night. Bad idea. I didn't sleep well at all - the couch was hardly big enough for me, the dog, and the cone. To top it off Ellie wanted to lay her head by mine so I was constantly being slapped in the face with the plastic cone. Tonight we'll try the kitchen and cross her fingers because I'm not doing that again.

Otherwise, Ellie is doing great. She is already feeling much better and wanting to run and play so its been fun trying to keep her resting. She goes back in 10 days to have her stitches out. I can't wait to get rid of that damn cone!

In other happenings I've been learning how to use my cricut more - I love that machine! I've also discovered a love for making my own cards and started working on that. So far I've only really made thank you cards to send to everyone who has helped us out during my hospitalization and recovery, but I am very happy with how they turned out. Of course this has lead to me making several purchases, which is a no-no, but I think I'm set for a while. I just need to get some solid color cardstock. One of my 2008 resolutions was to be better with money and the steady flow of medical bills we are expecting makes that resolution all the more important - and all the more necessary.

I've also been inspired to do a makeover of my craft room/office. Originally this involved repainting but knowing that this room will eventually become a nursery and thus be painted again, I've decided to work with what I have. Seeing that I can't just go and blow several hundred to a thousand dollars + on all the things I want for the room, this make over is going to take some time and creativity. And to be honest, I'm excited to see what I can do without blowing a ton of money.

Seven years

2008-02-23T23:38:00.001-06:00

So I haven't kept up with my blog as I hoped I would, and given the recent events in my life I really have no excuse.

For the past several years I have been plagued with nasty stomach aches. They would come on suddenly, I'd wallow in bed for about 2 days, and then they would go. Nothing I did and nothing I took helped them. After the first attack I saw a doctor who told me in a hurry, as I was crammed in between patients, that I had GERD. I researched it on my own and knew that wasn't what I had, but I had no desire to go back and be told the same thing. So for the past 7 years I've dealt with each attack and moved on. My biggest issue with the nasty tummy aches was that I started to worry people either thought I was full of shit (figuratively and literally) or was just being a big baby. I tried logging my food and keeping a diary to see if I could pinpoint what brought the attacks on, but nothing was ever the same and they seemed to attack at random.

When I got pregnant with Caden, the tummy aches stopped for the most part. After I gave birth, I feared them. For the past year I've been dreading the next attack because I knew a day or two of lying in bed was no longer an option. Every upset stomach, every bout of gas, every twinge sent me into an inner panic that this was it, the attack I'd been dreading since the day Caden was born. I didn't know how I'd manage through that pain and still take care of my son.

Last Monday my fears were realized when that afternoon the familiar pain in the center of my stomach returned. I tried everything to get rid of it but this time the pain was here to stay. I suffered through the day, put Caden to bed, and collapsed into bed. I woke up at 3am unable to sleep and headed to the couch. My tears soon woke Steve and he offered to go to the store to buy me a heating pad (ours had gone missing) in hopes it might help - it didn't but eventually I did manage to fall back asleep.

To my surprise, the pain subsided over the course of the morning on Tuesday. Instead of being all over, the pain localized to the lower right part of my abdomen and eased up. However, something was new this time - now that area of my stomach was rather tender to the touch. I turned to he who is there for all in their time of need - Google. Symptom checker after symptom checker kept bringing up the same "diagnosis": Appendicitis. No, I thought. I wasn't in nearly enough pain and I had been in this pain before. When I finally started to run a low grade fever of 99.9F I decided that I would head in to the doctor and I called Steve to take me at 4:50pm (I didn't feel safe driving with Caden in the car incase the nasty pain came back). I was sure that the doctor would call me a hypochondriac and send me on my way.

By the time we made it to the doctor's office I was feeling fine - unless I stepped heavy or pressed on my tummy. We joked with the doctor and he gave me an exam and interestingly enough, even when he pressed on my left side, it hurt on the right. He told me that the almighty google was correct, the symptoms pointed to appendicitis but there was only 2 ways to really know for sure - a finger inserted up my behind, or a CT involving rectal contrast. He said he was hesitant because most people with appendicitis were in a lot more pain than I was in so he left it up to me... head to the hospital for a barium enema or we'd just do a blood test to check my white blood cell count and go from there. I decided to go with the blood test and give my word that if the pain returned I'd head to the ER. While they symptoms fit, I was simply not presenting as a typical appendicitis case.

Wednesday morning came and I felt great. The pain was still there if I stomped or if I touched my tummy, but the fever was gone and all was well. I was wanting to work out since I wasn't feeling up to it on Monday and Tuesday but I figured I'd wait until the doctor called to tell me my white blood cell count was normal just to be safe. I told Steve not to worry about coming home since I was feeling much better. The doctor called around 11am and I told him I felt great! "Really? Are you sure?". Yes, yes I am! No need to stick anything up my ass today, Doc!
Sadly, that was not the case. My white blood cell count was rather high and I was told to go to the hospital right then and not to eat or drink anything until after the CT. When the receptionist called a few minutes later and was being extremely kind to me, I knew it was a little more serious than I first thought. I called Steve and he headed for home and my Dad came to watch Caden. I showered and we were off.

We get to the hospital and called into the waiting room for the CT. The nurse asks to speak to me in private and in a hushed whisper said "you know this involves a rectal enema".
"but my doctor said we could try to avoid that!!"
The nurse said in most emergency STAT CTs the patient is in too much pain to walk, but seeing as I felt fine they allowed me to drink a lovely cocktail while walking instead. Steve and I circled the hospital for an hour and talked. It was actually pretty nice to get to just hang out together like that. Before long the hour was up and it was time to get a picture of my insides. Steve and I were both sure that I'd be told it was nothing and we'd be home in time for dinner.

Because my CT order was marked as an emergency, we were require to stay and wait for the results. We were told to expect to wait about an hour as it often took time communicating between the hospital radiologist and my Doctor's office. I was pleased when after only 15mintues the phone rang in the waiting room and it was for me.

"You have acute appendicitis and you're being admitted. Someone will be down shortly to bring you to your room."

Um, okay. I made the phone calls to my parents to let them know what was going on, sent off a few text messages, sent Steve for my laptop, and I waited. Finally a nice gentleman shows up with a wheelchair - Lovely. I wasn't even allowed to walk! I assumed I'd be admitted and a doctor would come tell me what was going on, possible surgery in the morning. I get to my room and through a series of questions and a flurry of nurse activity I realize that I'm having surgery now - as in as soon as I get the hospital gown on. I insisted on speaking to a doctor first but I'm not even going to get into all that now.

Before I know it I'm in pre-op getting pumped full of funky drugs that knocked me out before it was even time to move into the operating room.

An hour or two later I wake up in a drug induced haze with a sore throat from hell - I was unaware that they intubate under general anesthesia. My appendix was now gone.

I ended up spending about 2 days in the hospital and was released on Friday. I am so lucky to have such awesome family and friends who helped us out with Caden during all of this and to them I'm so very grateful and thankful. I've been recovering at home and not surprisingly did manage to over do it a bit, so I've been making it a point to rest more, which really helps. The hardest part of all of this is that my little man is a pretty big boy and I am unable to lift him - I did try and I did regret it. But thanks to my awesome family and friends, everyone has been helping us out during the day to make sure he is taken care of and I am able to rest. Hopefully soon everything will be back to normal.

The positive in all of this is that I should never have to fear the tummy ache from hell again. As I suspected, I have not been suffering from GERD the last 7 years, but recurrent appendicitis. As it turns out the body can heal itself from appendicitis at times, but often, as with myself, the appendicitis reoccurs until eventually it gets to the point you head to the doctor and they rip it from your abdomen. My doctor even looked at the notes from my appointment 7 years ago and even he said that I never should have been diagnosed as GERD.
Recovery hasn't been terrible with the exception of not being able to fully interact and care for my son. Of course when not in pain I've over done it but after dealing with an increase in the ouchies, I've learned my lesson. I am just so extremely happy and relieved that after 7 years, I don't have to deal with that bullshit stomach ache attacking at random anymore.

I told you it wasn't GERD, and I wasn't full of shit ;)

Happy Birthday

2008-01-24T11:37:00.001-06:00

Dear Caden,
A year ago you were but a few hours old and your Daddy and I were still in awe that we created something so absolutely perfect and so amazingly beautiful. A whole year has passed since I first held you, since I first looked into your beautiful eyes, since I first counted those 10 perfect fingers and 10 perfect toes... yet it all feels like yesterday.

This past year has most definitely been the best of my life so far - we've done so much together, learned so much about you, and learned so much about ourselves.

In just 3 months since I last wrote to you, so much has changed. You took your first steps at a little over 9 months old and started walking a few weeks later. We went on our first family vacation and you flew on an airplane for the first time, we celebrated our first Christmas together, and we rang in the new year.
You spoke your first word - "What?!" and you also learned to say Juice, done, and your favorite - Good! We got a puppy.. sometimes you have so much fun playing with her but others she is still a bit too rough for you.

As you'll learn, one year really isn't very long in the grand scheme of things, but in just this one short year you've already accomplished so much. We've watched and celebrated as you hit every milestone - rolling over, sitting up, standing, walking, your first teeth, your first everything.
In just your first year you've already flown on an airplane, visited 2 other countries, swam in the ocean, and you've taught me so much and through you I've learned so much about myself. You are such an amazing little man and words could never properly describe just how much you mean to me.

The years will pass and you will grow - one day you will look back at all the pictures taken this past year. You won't remember any of this and the chubby, bright eyed baby smiling back in photographs will be a stranger to you. But I will carry these memories with me for the rest of my life.
This past year has been amazing and so wonderful. Every day I am so thankful that you came into my life and I am so grateful I get to wake up to your smiling face every day, and stroke your perfectly chubby cheek as you sleep every night. And I am so looking forward to the next year and all the years to come. I'm excited to see what they bring and what life has in store for all of us.

Happy birthday my sweet boy. I love you always.

Mommy

365 Days (well, almost!)

2008-01-21T09:27:00.001-06:00

We are getting things in line for Caden's 1st birthday party on Saturday and we're so excited! His party is going to have a blue/green theme with stars and polka dots. While Caden doesn't know what is going on, we know he is going to have a great time. He loves being around people and he loves being the center of attention so we're sure he is going to have a blast! Saturday also marks the big 30 for Uncle Neil!

Everyone always told me time would fly with Caden, but I never imagined just how quickly it would pass. Tomorrow marks 1 year since I went in to be induced, and 2 days later on the 24th (as most know!) we welcomed our little man into this world.
This first year has definitely been exciting, but I expect the 2nd year to be even more so. A year ago I thought this 2nd year would be familiar territory, but I am quickly learning it is almost as foreign as those first weeks almost a year ago.

Caden is mastering old skills and learning new ones every day. He is talking more and is quick with a "What?!" and knows Juice, Done, and his new favorite word... "Good". This morning when I went to get him from his crib I was greeted with "Good!! mom, mom Good!" as he ran around his crib and hugged his blanket.
Life with Caden is so much fun. I never imagined just how much fun it would be. He loves to play "Hide and Seek". He loves to chase Daddy around the house and he fills our home with laughter every day. We have always heard what a happy baby Caden was... and he is definitely quite the happy toddler!

Of course he is quite the active little one and loves to get into things... he is currently tearing up a piece of tissue so with that this entry comes to a close!

Vacation Videos

2008-01-01T20:24:00.001-06:00

We had a wonderful time on our vacation! I've added a few photos to our website. We had a fantastic Christmas as well :) Things have been rather busy so I haven't had a whole lot of time to update much but I did want to post a few videos we took on our vacation of our little pook on the move...